Single Parent Dating Sadness.

[Superman2280]

I have a need for some advice.

 

I was recently dumped by the girl I have been seeing for the last couple months. I met her at work. She'd had a crush on me and I one on her ... and when I found out she liked me, I asked her out and things were overall great.

 

And yes, she's a single mother with a nearly 8 month old daughter. And she's also in her final quarter of college.

 

Anyway, she told me she wanted to take it slow. And we did. Well, things naturally heated up. She later told me she had "strong feelings" for me and also said she agreed with me that we would probably be together for a long time. She was previously in an awful, abusive relationship and I helped her reclaim part of herself... she told me she loved experiencing things with me, and missed me.

 

She had even agreed to accept a key to my apartment.

 

And then school got super stressful with midterms. And she suddenly got a little more distant. But I figured it was because of studying (which she said it was.)

 

And then out of the blue, she turned COLD on me. On Monday, she suddenly told me that we weren't even officially dating and described our entire relationship as "just ah handful of dates." She said two months was no big deal and balked at the fact I had told her I was falling in love with her.

 

(She had earlier texted the following response to that before this week, which was "Wow. Like....wow." And had been cute and romantic with me after that.)

 

She told me she was upset with me because when she walked into work, many employees asked her if she had wished me happy birthday... and she felt "overwhelmed." She said it wasn't appropriate that I had talked with people about us dating while at work ... I should have known better, but I was just so smitten and excited that I was with her, I couldn't help it.

 

She also said she didn't trust me not to push it too far since had she told me she wanted to take it slow more than once ... I couldn't be trusted NOT to do that again. But .... I was confused because of the "serious feelings" and "long future together" discussions we'd had.

 

I don't know what to do. I guess I'll leave her alone. I think she just got freaked out. She freaked out on me a little at the end of March... but later apologized and said it was stress. But nothing like that.

 

I wonder if she'll ever come back?

[thatone]

don't walk, run.

 

she's not a single mother if her daughter is 8 months old. she's sitting around waiting on the kid's douchebag father to come back around. he's probably spending her money on some drunken waitress right now.

 

projecting blame is delusional female coping-with-insecurity 101. they can't handle the mess they've made of themselves so they have to blame whatever man is nearest and who will take their whining to avoid looking in the mirror.

 

you don't want any part of this girl. she'll get far worse before she gets better.

 

and you don't want her to come back, trust me.

 

at your age you have no reason to make a habit of being around women who are single parents. they're on the fast track to a life of misery for the most part, disregarding rare exceptions. if you're still single in your 30s or 40s, divorced people with kids are so numerous that you have to sort through them to find the normal ones, but early 20s? there's no need to deal with such issues, just walk away.

Edited April 26, 2012 by thatone

[yongyong]

Honestly, I wouldn't rescue a dog that has been abused and comes with another puppy.

But the difference is dogs appreciate what you give to them.

Humans are different. You said you 'helped' her and you are treated this way?

 

Personally, I don't understand how you want to live with a woman with little baby.

that's going to be annoying. it's not even yours. Even parents get stressed out with their own.

 

If you find an average single woman with no kids, you will be a lot happier.

[DjinnAgain]

As a single parent, I want to say to other posters, get over yourselves. You have no idea. If you have a problem dating single parents, don't. However, don't project it as something that shouldn't be done.

 

To the OP, however, this woman is surely quite confused. I don't think the reaction has much to do with you. She is quite young and has a lot going on. I would let her know how you feel about what happened and back away. Let her figure it out if she can without you in the picture. How long have the father and her been apart? The best thing you can do is back away and let her find herself. Good luck.

[thatone]

As a single parent, I want to say to other posters, get over yourselves. You have no idea. If you have a problem dating single parents, don't. However, don't project it as something that shouldn't be done.

 

To the OP, however, this woman is surely quite confused. I don't think the reaction has much to do with you. She is quite young and has a lot going on. I would let her know how you feel about what happened and back away. Let her figure it out if she can without you in the picture. How long have the father and her been apart? The best thing you can do is back away and let her find herself. Good luck.

 

actually i do. my gf is a single parent, she has a teenage daughter. we all get along fine.

 

but the big difference is my gf is 35 and has been on her own for years figuring out what went wrong with her child's father and making sure she doesn't repeat the same mistakes.

 

an early 20 something with an 8 month old from an ex boyfriend is not going to be very stable.

 

and the projecting of blame toward the OP is just a confirmation of everything i assumed.

[Superman2280]

She and the father have been broken up for about a year. Suffice it to say, he wasn't a good guy, he's not on the birth certificate, and she wants nothing to do with him.

 

(I feel weird sharing so much online, but it's all anonymous and I could use the feedback to figure this all out.)

 

I know she suffers from panic attacks. She'd gotten mad at me about a month ago for asking too much about how she felt and she thought I was over-analyzing her. So I stopped and then later she apologized and said she was just so, so, so stressed with school and what not.

 

I don't know if maybe when school is over that she'll come back or if it's worth texting her when I know she's done with school.

 

I'm just .... well, not sure of anything! All I know is that we worked, I'm crazy about her, she thought I was amazing and seemingly an unbelievable catch (its how she made me feel) and our relationship felt like it was DEFINITELY progressing.

 

One day, she told me she only wanted to see me once a week or once every two weeks. And that was later in the day after we'd hung out once. 2 days later, she asked me if I wanted to hang out again. (Of course I wanted to! I didn't question it.)

 

And things she wasn't ready to do, limits she had, slowly but surely began to fall away.

 

So she HAD to be feeling a lot for me.... right?

 

Ugh.

[thatone]

no, she feels a need for male attention. it has nothing to do with you personally or you wouldn't be posting about your problems here.

 

it's not gonna go anywhere, and if it does you'll probably not like where it goes. you need to stop talking to her.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Honestly, I wouldn't rescue a dog that has been abused and comes with another puppy.

But the difference is dogs appreciate what you give to them.

Humans are different. You said you 'helped' her and you are treated this way?

 

Personally, I don't understand how you want to live with a woman with little baby.

that's going to be annoying. it's not even yours. Even parents get stressed out with their own.

 

If you find an average single woman with no kids, you will be a lot happier.

 

What do animal abuse and rescue, dogs and puppies have to do with the OP?

 

Fortunately, there are many people who are willing to accept and help children who are not biologically "theirs." Lots of people right here on this very forum were raised lovingly with step - parents.

 

OP - it sounds like you may have inadvertently done something to put this woman off. That, or she really is not a very good prospect for a relationship.

[dasein]

she suddenly told me that we weren't even officially dating and described our entire relationship as "just ah handful of dates."

 

Agree generally with what thatone has told you, however, even if he is entirely offbase, the above is an insta-superduper sign of a terrible bet for a relationship or happiness. This woman -will- make you utterly miserable in many ways. She is telling you in a crystal clear way 1) that she will not hesitate to fabricate, to create an alternate reality, at your expense to make herself feel better and 2) she has no respect or compassion for you or your feelings at all, only hers.

 

Run like the wind.

[Superman2280]

That's not a horrible point. Wow.

[Superman2280]

Little update: she's since de-friended me on Facebook and hasn't said a peep. Some people tell me I should send her a text that says "I'm here if you need me" or "hope you're ok" ... but I don't think I'll do that. At least for a while.

[phineas]

Agree generally with what thatone has told you, however, even if he is entirely offbase, the above is an insta-superduper sign of a terrible bet for a relationship or happiness. This woman -will- make you utterly miserable in many ways. She is telling you in a crystal clear way 1) that she will not hesitate to fabricate, to create an alternate reality, at your expense to make herself feel better and 2) she has no respect or compassion for you or your feelings at all, only hers.

 

Run like the wind.

 

funnily enough I had a co-worker tell me the same thing after 2 months.

We'd kissed, cuddled on the couch ect & then out of the blue she told me "nothing romantic is going on between us you know":confused:

 

She also didn't want people at work "knowing her business". She blew me off after that.

 

what was strange is when we went to lunch together one day she said " people know I go to lunch alone, I wonder what their thinking seeing us together" & at the time I was thinking who the hell cares.

 

When she came back to me 6 months later I told her to come over. didn't hear from her for another 6 months.

 

Told her unless she has something to offer me to stop wasting my time. havn't heard from her since.

 

I see her at work & i'm friendly but that's it.

 

Come to think of it, there are few women at work i've gone out with that all end up like this.

 

I've stopped going out with co-workers for a while now because of this keeps happeneing even though i've been told a few are interested in me.

[phineas]

Little update: she's since de-friended me on Facebook and hasn't said a peep. Some people tell me I should send her a text that says "I'm here if you need me" or "hope you're ok" ... but I don't think I'll do that. At least for a while.

 

She either found someone she likes better or her ex is back in the picture.

 

also, revealing feelings might of been an issue. Did you sleep with her?

[bean1]

Too much too soon. Her baby is only 8 months, yes she broke up with him a year ago but the drama goes long after that when a child is involved, and she's in university. As a mother of 2, I cannot understand where she found time to date at all?

 

You said:

"I helped her reclaim part of herself..."

 

To me, that is a sign that things got too serious for her. She's likely a headcase right now dealing with an under-1, baby daddy issues, and college -> as much as some guys feel they need to 'RESCUE' girls like this, the opposite will often occur.

 

The only person who can help her "reclaim" herself is her, time, and maturity. She's at a bad point in life and trying to help her fix herself is likely just going to put her off. People like that tend to lash out at 'help' and 'love'.

 

You sound like a good potential boyfriend - so give your heart to someone who wants and deserves it. That's not her right now.

[threebyfate]

You sound like a good potential boyfriend - so give your heart to someone who wants and deserves it. That's not her right now.

This pretty much covers it.

 

She sounds like she's afraid to commit again, having a panic attack and pushing you away. She's not at the stage to have a healthy long-term relationship.

 

Do yourself a favour and move on from this one. Otherwise, you're in for a boat load of hurt which I doubt she's intending.

 

Also, sometimes people who were in abusive relationships either turn into abusers themselves so they can control the situation or if they were raised with abuse, will agitate for it from existing partners if it doesn't come naturally. It's their comfort zone even if they deny it, since it's related to their subconscious, rather than a conscious decision.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You're in over your head on this one, you sound like nice simple sincere guy and she's a complicated ball of emotional and mental issues that wouldn't probably get into a stable relationship If it hit her in the face.

 

When you hear of a woman's past like this (abusive and all) and It's within a few years and comes with child and you're just an average joe looking for something simple, It's just not going to be a good match.

 

You're essentially going to be the rebound guy that gives her everything she wanted out of her last boyfriend, she would probably like to end up with a guy like you but you're too simple and invested in this relationship, she's not used to that, she's used to a guy that pushes her away and treats her like dirt, so she's not even conditioned to good treatment, If anything it makes her feel uncomfortable and odd.

 

I know you have emotions invested with her but that's how it goes, you've got to pull yourself out of this situation and find just a normal girl with much less baggage and you don't seem knowledgeable enough to deal with and see through all the crap she's playing games with you on, you're not the right guy for this job unfortunately. And really, It's not even worth it...the amount of issues this girl is going to have would make this a completely one-sided relationship, she needs a more "Alpha" type male.

 

She doesn't respect your feelings and the way you've handled things, getting all gitty and telling everyone at work when she wanted to keep this low-profile and not be asked questions and get pressure at work was the last straw. You're just showing your way too into her, and a girl that's used to being valued for very little is turned off by that oddly enough. Plus she's also afraid and still carries her issues and fears.

 

She won't come back, she'll end up back with the ex or someone new, her so called feelings for you in the beginning was just a natural reaction she had...she wanted to invest and feel more than she actually did, but when she realized It was more in the moment than an in depth emotion, she pulled away and is pulling the plug...If she does try to initiate contact with you in the future I'd just take is as desperation and vulnerability, but you shouldn't waste your time with her, It's not going to end well for you in this situation.