fairfield Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 Found out my husband of 9 years has been casually stepping out on our marriage. Was on vacation in Florida with friends to get away and reflect and ended up hooking up with bartender and spending a few days together. Really amazing sex, fun and nice guy. I don't want anything emotional, just a fun time and I am guessing the same on his end. He invited me back to visit and stay with him. Casually text once or twice every other day or so, and made plans to go back for visit. Getting close to trip and am thinking it's a bad idea to stay several days with person I don't even know and barely spoken to for 3 months? I don't understand his motivation other than he says he likes me... were all in our early to late 30's to give ages. I live in seattle he lives in florida. My marriage is over as far as I am concerned, and am dissolving assets etc etc but husband wants to reconcile and is suspicious.
Owl Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 Two thoughts. First...don't hide anything. Tell your H the truth...marriage is over, you're schtupping the bartender in Florida. Proceed down the divorce path as you apparantly have planned. Second...wait til the divorce is done...then do whatever it is you like. Doing it before hand is gonna cloud things up. Waiting hurts nothing. Simple enough, really. 4
Ninja'sHusband Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 At least tell husband(H) about your affair(A). That way he knows what he's up against when trying to reconcile ®. As for what to do with bartender...I agree with Owl.
Author fairfield Posted April 26, 2012 Author Posted April 26, 2012 sex is a need my husband finds elsewhere. I am not typical woman. I need sex. It's a need. I simply would not want anyone close by that would develop emotions. My H has no right to know anything after the years of lies and deceit and manipulation he has gone on with. Telling him would only serve the purpose to hurt him and I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to anything my H. I just want to leave him but logistically I am not going to leave without getting finances in line. Thank you for your reply but not the question I was asking.
jphcbpa Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 bad idea for now...but I agree I would not tell your H about the fling
Owl Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 Well..you gotta realize that your question of "good idea/bad idea" is rather vague. Good/bad...for who? You? The bartender? Your H? The old lady across the street? Typical responses on an INFIDELITY forum are going to be along the lines of "good/bad for your marriage". Not just good/bad for you. If all you care about is good/bad for you...there's no need to ask anyone else...you already know what you want. You tell me...is it a bad idea to stay several days with this bartender? I dunno...can't make that call off of a paragraph of information. You've got far more interaction with him under your belt already...why are you asking an anonymous internet forum? Now...if you want to take the "infidelity" part (see the forum title) and it's impacts to a marriage or seperation/divorce...we can probably answer your question from that perspective...as I already did.
Lil1 Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 Go for it Fairfield. Have your fun, live your life. Your husband had his fun. He f*cked things up. Have you told your husband you are willing to work on things just to give yourself some time to get your finances in order? He lied to you for how many years? I'm not married and never have been so I may not be the best person to listen to... but I encourage you to take care of yourself first now. F*ck everyone else (you dont have kids do you?!). Have fun in Florida!!
jphcbpa Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 more often then not....if you have to ask, the answer is no
ISurvived Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 Yeah, your husband has the right to know. He needs to be tested for STD's. Point 2: Two wrongs don't make a right. 1
Bellechica Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 Fairfield, I'm not really sure what the question is but your mostly going to be told to tell your H. I think if your adamant about D then start the proceedings. Oh, and I'm sure if you're just looking for a fling, there are plenty of willing men in Seattle. Hmmm no you're not a typical female if you can just have sex without an emotional connection. The lack of intimacy with the man in FL should make it easier to meet a sex partner in Seattle, right? Why spend time and money flying to FL?
Wanderer25 Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 (edited) A bartender? How classy? Couldn't you find anyone better too cheat with? No, don't go for it. Not a good idea for now. Talk a bit more and see where it goes. And your H might become spiteful once your own affair comes to light. Also STDs Edited April 27, 2012 by Wanderer25 1
Chi townD Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 (edited) So, you got your revenge affair. How does it feel? I'm not defending your husband and he's no saint. But, I have a feeling that you have been constantly reminding him that the end of the marriage is entirely his fault because of his wandering ways. You rather not tell him what you did because then you would be no better than he was. You would rather leave the marriage content to know that he's going to beat himself up for years because of his behavior when, in fact, you are just as guilty of the SAME behavior......but he doesn't need to know that, right? Edited April 27, 2012 by Chi townD 3
SomedayDig Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 Getting close to trip and am thinking it's a bad idea to stay several days with person I don't even know and barely spoken to for 3 months? I don't understand his motivation other than he says he likes me... were all in our early to late 30's to give ages. I live in seattle he lives in florida. My marriage is over as far as I am concerned, and am dissolving assets etc etc but husband wants to reconcile and is suspicious. Ummm...cuz you're a chick from Seattle who is willing to fly to Florida to f_ck him. If you can't see that you're nothing but a conquest for him to brag to all his buddies about, you're doing yourself a disservice. If your marriage is over, then get it over with. As for the "waiting for finances" stuff, sorry but that's also crap. Tell us that you're not seeking to get money for his transgressions while playing the dutiful wife part. I'd love to hear that one. Then again...maybe HE has a keylogger on your computer and will be presenting this to HIS lawyer.
YellowShark Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 I agree. This guy sees a woman who will fly across the country to bang him. Talk about easy pickings! It's a win win for him. Doesn't cost him a dime and not only does he get laid, then you fly 5000 miles home and he is free to bang other women he meets at the bar. Sounds like a perfect deal! Save your $$$. Find a guy in Seattle to bang.
turnera Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 I don't understand his motivation other than he says he likes me... Seriously? You are being a bit naive. His motivation is free and easy sex in a situation in which he doesn't have any attachments. Many men's dream life. He's high-fiving his friends right now. Don't continue to stoop to your husband's level. Have some dignity and wait until you're divorced.
SoMovinOn Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 Is it a good idea to spend a few days with the bartender? I would say there is no greater risk in a few days than there would be in one day. Your greatest risk was probably the time you spent with him initially. If you two are good together and you'd enjoy it, go for it. If it feels like too much to you, if you need some of that time for yourself, just tell him - spend some of your time together, and take some time for yourself. Don't tell your H anything other than R is not going to happen. Respect is earned, and he's earned none.
Chi townD Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 Is it a good idea to spend a few days with the bartender? I would say there is no greater risk in a few days than there would be in one day. Your greatest risk was probably the time you spent with him initially. If you two are good together and you'd enjoy it, go for it. If it feels like too much to you, if you need some of that time for yourself, just tell him - spend some of your time together, and take some time for yourself. Don't tell your H anything other than R is not going to happen. Respect is earned, and he's earned none. Right, so reward bad behavior with even MORE bad behavior. Let all just drop our standards and our morals and stoop to levels that are outside our norms as a person for a quick screw. Lets throw our dignity out the window and continue to berate and suggest that his or her cheating is the cause of the demise of the marriage. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to Florida to have sex again with a bartender. He wisking me way to the Bahamas with his tips. Don't forget to feed the dog!" Have some self respect and wait till the divorce is final. But, I have a feeling it's falling on deaf ears....The OP isn't coming back.
Furious Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 Found out my husband of 9 years has been casually stepping out on our marriage. Was on vacation in Florida with friends to get away and reflect and ended up hooking up with bartender and spending a few days together. Really amazing sex, fun and nice guy. I don't want anything emotional, just a fun time and I am guessing the same on his end. He invited me back to visit and stay with him. Casually text once or twice every other day or so, and made plans to go back for visit. Getting close to trip and am thinking it's a bad idea to stay several days with person I don't even know and barely spoken to for 3 months? I don't understand his motivation other than he says he likes me... were all in our early to late 30's to give ages. I live in seattle he lives in florida. My marriage is over as far as I am concerned, and am dissolving assets etc etc but husband wants to reconcile and is suspicious. The heart and the ego takes a big hit when your find out your spouse has cheated on you. I think you'r hurting, and this man in Florida is taking advantage of you. Take the time to get out of your marriage, and be good to yourself.
g450 Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 Yeah I agree with the last few posts. How is stooping to your H's level make you feel? Why not take the high road? We all like sex sure, but why not wait until the divorce is final. Never understood the whole "im hurting so im going to ehf somebody" thing. Your lover is bragging to all his beer drinking buddies now about how easy you were to sack and that he is banging some guys wife. A real class act I bet.
Author fairfield Posted May 5, 2012 Author Posted May 5, 2012 Hold up, so now I'm the bad guy? What is with you people? So I should just sit around feeling sorry for myself and denying myself basic needs because I trusted some guy and it didn't pan out? I should continue to exist, allowing him to have all the fun he wants and I sit around like a moronic moral deity, to serve what purpose? To prove what to who? How is being faithful to a man who cheats on me moral? How is it dignified? Sounds PATHETIC! Divorce like marriage is just legality, documentation recorded and recognized by "The Man." Our marriage is over regardless if divorce is finalized. If my hubs wants to try and win me back, then let him try, that's his problem. To what level am I stooping? No, I am raising myself up and enjoying myself more than I have in many years and if its with some random I enjoyed immensely, then why the hell not. And yes, his cheating among other things is the demise of the marriage. I was faithful every single day we were together. Shouldn't I get mine? If it was to hurt him, I would **** his best friend, or do it and tell him about it. Nah, that would be stooping to his level. That's just sick! lol but aren't I the fool. So, good. I move on. I have family in Florida and do go there regularly so not the only thing, but definitely a perk. Yes there are plenty of guys in Seattle, but like I said, the last thing I need is some guy falling in love with me and drama ensues. I don't want any sort of "romance." I just want to have fun. Bragging to his friends to his friends? You really think so? Sweeeet! And by "finance" no I am not trying take concessions, my husband is well aware of how we are separating the assets, and we are working on this together. If we can be amicable without lawyers I rather. We make the same money, both good money, so I don't need to "take" anything.
GG2W Posted May 6, 2012 Posted May 6, 2012 fairfield Sorry that you have to face such negativity. I suspect that most members on this board have no idea where you are coming from. They feel that even though your spouse might be cheating you should still be the good wife and take it and ignore your wants and needs, until after you spend thousands of dollars and waste up to more than a year or more of your life before you can once again enjoy sex with a new partner. To be honest in my line of work I am in constant contact with many married women who are on the prowl for something new. And I am more than happy to oblige Yes there is a good chance that you bartender friend probably has more than one girl friend. I doubt that he has been living a chaste life waiting for your possible return. But what it wrong with that? He made you happy once and can and will do so again. If you trust him not to hurt and since you are going to be in the area any way go for it. You only live one, so Screw his brains out. As for the others on tlhis board this stuff is going on all of the time. When I travel cross country, I let my former partners know that I will be in the area, and quite often we are able to make plans for a get together while I am in town. As for them coming to meet me, yes that happens also. I have a couple of regulars who while they are in the area on business trips will arrange a meeting. Whilst they are with me I give them my undivided attention. And yes it is all about good sex.
stillafool Posted May 6, 2012 Posted May 6, 2012 sex is a need my husband finds elsewhere. I am not typical woman. I need sex. It's a need. I simply would not want anyone close by that would develop emotions. My H has no right to know anything after the years of lies and deceit and manipulation he has gone on with. Telling him would only serve the purpose to hurt him and I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to anything my H. I just want to leave him but logistically I am not going to leave without getting finances in line. Thank you for your reply but not the question I was asking. Since you both are cheating on each other why not divorce and be happy?
stillafool Posted May 6, 2012 Posted May 6, 2012 Found out my husband of 9 years has been casually stepping out on our marriage. Was on vacation in Florida with friends to get away and reflect and ended up hooking up with bartender and spending a few days together. Really amazing sex, fun and nice guy. I don't want anything emotional, just a fun time and I am guessing the same on his end. He invited me back to visit and stay with him. Casually text once or twice every other day or so, and made plans to go back for visit. Getting close to trip and am thinking it's a bad idea to stay several days with person I don't even know and barely spoken to for 3 months? I don't understand his motivation other than he says he likes me... were all in our early to late 30's to give ages. I live in seattle he lives in florida. My marriage is over as far as I am concerned, and am dissolving assets etc etc but husband wants to reconcile and is suspicious. What exactly do you want Loveshack to help you with? I couldn't really tell from your post above.
2.50 a gallon Posted May 6, 2012 Posted May 6, 2012 Alice She wants to use him for sex Her motivation is to get good sex for a couple of days She does not want to fall in love anybody
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