nanbullen Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 I feel like my life has spun completely out of control. Mornings are so hard for me. Everything seems so gray and depressing, I wake up will all this anxiety and I can’t think rationally. I spent all last week begging my ex (who wasn’t an ex yet) to call or text me. Finally, on Sunday he texted that he has fallen off the face of the earth, it wasn’t me or anybody in particular, blah, blah, blah. I deleted it, but as the days passed, I got more and more paranoid. My mind kept going, trying to figure out what was going on that would cause him to just not call me for days and days. I mean, he has done this before, but usually it’s because I said something accusatory or insecure, and he calls me back in a day or two. Well yesterday, I couldn’t get the thought out of my head that he must have met somebody else. That is the only possible explanation that made any sense. So this morning, against my will practically….i was COMPELLED to call him. Well for once he answered, and when confronted, admitted he had gone ona couple of dates. He tried to play it down like it was just dinner and a movie and he doesn’t even know how he feels about her. Just meaningless crap to appease me. He said I was pressuring him, and always suspicious and accusing him, etc. I said the last time we talked he said he loved me and he wasn’t going going anywhere, and once I figured out my insecurity everything would be fine. Why not just tell me the truth, after he has already hurt me so many times, why insert himself into my life…..hunt me down on facebook, and tell me all these things about how this was destiny…..if his feelings were so insignificant that he would just start dating someone else and not even think to tell me. Meanwhile, it’s this overcast morning, and I have this panicky feeling , it’s like every biT of my brain is screaming HE’S ABANDONING YOU AND LEAVING YOU BY YOURSELF, MUST STOP HIM AT ALL COSTS. In the face of being left by somebody, something takes over me and I go into this panic mode….and I don’t even remember what all was said, but we talked for an hour. It’s like I go into hiding, and this other me takes over. I think he said he want to start again and for us to forget about everything in the past and get to know each other all over again. I don’t know if he said that just to appease me, and because he didn’t know what else to say.i know I told him that I prefer he just be honest and tell me what I want to hear, but I know that I also told him it would hurt me to hear it if he really thought it was over. I don’t remember the context, because I was kind of “not there”. Maybe he meant, it couldn’t hurt to say “give it a try and get to know each other again”. It’s non-comital enough o mean anything. Right now, I am in total anxiety and panic overload. All I can think is I am alone. As soon as we got off the phone, I called my ex-husband (who I has still been sleeping with, but broke it off as soon as I got back together with ex), to try to mend fences and “feel” him out as far as resuming our “relationship”. Things don’t look to promising, but I think I can work on him. I don’t love him at all, but the idea of being ALL BY MYSELF, all day every day, is more than I can handle right now. How do I calm this voice inside of me that is terrified of loss and abandonment so I can think rationally and stop this destructive behavior? I feel like climbing the walls and just don’t know how to get myself under control.
HeartCure Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 You shouldn't go for these type of guys.They just won't stop repeating their actions.Try going NC to heal yourself,find something interesting to do occupy yourself(Concerts,local events,hanging out with friends etc etc) and keep your mind of things. Just to add on, once you broke off with a guy, and retreat back to him once you failed to get with another person, don't go back to the same one.You'll just give the impression that you're treating him as a backup plan (Had this happen to me before with my ex).All will pass with time,you'll get over the feeling (:
DuchessKaye Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 Climbing the walls? I don't want you to be alone... Can we do it together?
Author nanbullen Posted April 26, 2012 Author Posted April 26, 2012 lol Duchess, sure, start climbing! Heart, I AM using him as a back up plan! I just can't be alone!! I know it's an "issue" for me. I would rather be in a bad relationship then no relationship at all because the idea of being left alone is so unbearable. I don't thi nk i've ever been alone in my life! I don't know how to get over it! I know i sound like a stubborn child, who doesn't want to listen. OMG, I just feel so awful....I just wish this feeling would go away.
daisy088 Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 Hi nanbullen. Just joined and totally understand the feelings you are having. I want to call an ex of mine who was horrible to me just so I dont feel so alone after this breakup. Something Ive found that helps is reading self-help books and taking deep breaths. Try "Codependent No More" or "Women Who Love Too Much." They wont solve your problems but you'll see you are not at all alone in the feelings you are having and they provide some solutions to this dependency issue we obviously have. Good luck, keep taking deep breaths.
Author nanbullen Posted April 27, 2012 Author Posted April 27, 2012 Hi nanbullen. Just joined and totally understand the feelings you are having. I want to call an ex of mine who was horrible to me just so I dont feel so alone after this breakup. Something Ive found that helps is reading self-help books and taking deep breaths. Try "Codependent No More" or "Women Who Love Too Much." They wont solve your problems but you'll see you are not at all alone in the feelings you are having and they provide some solutions to this dependency issue we obviously have. Good luck, keep taking deep breaths. LOL.....I am the queen of self help books. Since me and my ex started having problems, I have bought no less than 7! I'm reading "the road less traveled", which is an old '70's book. it's more about the benefits of psyvhotherapy (which i cant afford)...but it has come closer than most other books to actually helping me see how pain is a normal and important process. And life is really about dealing with problems. unfortunately, the solution, according to the book, is a lifetime of psycho-analysis. Another good one is "healing the shame that binds you". I don't know why none of these books help me that much. sometimes I think, people who are co-dependent or have the problems these books address, build up such strong defense mechanisms as time goes by, that it will take more than a book to "cure" us. Our minds go to such great lengths to avoid the emotional pain it would take to get better....our defense mechanisms aren't going to be fooled so easily by a book. Maybe that's why there's so many self help books. I guess I would say the same for diet and exercise books. As far as calling your horrible ex....well that's what I did. I won't bore you with the details, you can read my other posts if you want to. But i will say, I regret it. Ask yourself what will happen after you talk to him? Run through all the possible scenarios in your head. Is there anything he can/will say that will make everything OK? Is there anything that he can say that will make you FEEL good about your relationship? There was nothing that my ex could have said that would have reassured me in my heart that he loved me or that would justify the way he's been treating me. But I couldn't bear to be alone without him so I called. And he told me he started seeing someone else. Now I feel worse than ever.
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