Is wanting a break sometimes not an excuse but an actual need?

April 26, 2012

To make a long story short, I have lost the love of my life.

I am 20 years old gay male, and my ex wanted to take a break with me (a.k.a break-up) 2 months ago.

We met last year in June. The first time we talked to each other, we hit it right off the bat and we INSTANTLY fell in love with each other. We were COMPLETELY heads over heels in love and I can even say that he was even more obsessed with me. He introduced me to his friends and family. I like them and they like me too, his mom loves me. It's a long distance relationship (7 hours away) but whenever he goes back home on breaks or vacation, I would stay at his house in long island NY and spend much of quality time with him. He loved me so much, he planned to propose to me, adopt kids with me, travel around the world, move in with me (which supposed to be this summer), and everything else. His letters and messages sound like they come straight off a novel or a movie, but they were genuine I can feel it. Actually, if I would write my love life into a movie, I think it would be successful lol cause it was THAT much romantic. He even spent 3 months painting me something really good that was worth 1k$ if he sells it. He never painted something that meaningful before to anyone, not even his family.

He was my first true love, I lost my virginity to him last year when I was 19. He had 2 previous relationships however. First, is with a girl, for 3 years but then he had to let her go because he's gay. Second one is a guy, he broke up with him because he didn't treat my ex well. When he was breaking up with his ex, I was talking to him, so he kind of broke up with him for me, but that's not how we both looked at it since they were already breaking up anyways.

Skip forward, I spent thanksgiving and christmas with him and his family. He bought me plane tickets to visit him in Rochester, NY. Last December, I came out to my mom and she didn't accept it well. She sent me to my doctor and my doc lectured me about being gay. I felt betrayed and got really depressed and anxious afterwards. I've always had anxiety/depression problems, but this incident escalated it for some reason. I have been feeling down from December to January and I was very unmotivated in life and he thought that he couldn't make me happy. On top of that, I have been nagging him about my problems (i have anxiety and depression). He has an extremely busy life, but that's because he chooses that kind of life. He loves being busy, but lately he's just overwhelmed with everything. His graduation is coming up very soon, he's going to move out and start working in a big company (goldman sach). He has ALOT of paper work due, and also he's the president of his fraternity so he has to go to meetings every night. On February 27, he told me he wanted to take a break.

Now here's the thing. NONE of his best friends, family members, and me know exactly why he took a break with me. It's all too SUDDEN. It's like walking on a beautiful garden on a peaceful day, then suddenly a tsunami strikes from the side. His reasoning was, and is until now : I need some time alone, to focus on myself. I have been in relationships for 5 years and I don't know what I want anymore. I need to be happy on my own. I need to focus on myself. You also have alot of soul searching and growing up to do, so I think we both need to take a break.

I know for sure there's no other guy involved because he's not the type to cheat, and he loved me so much. He told me how I was out of his league and he never thought he'd end up with such a 'perfect' guy as me.

He keeps telling me, "I'm not a fortune teller, I don't know what will happen in the future that's why I'm not guaranteeing everything. There's always a possibility that we can work it out and be back together, but that might not happen too. All I know is I need this time alone and the feeling that I have I'm afraid won't be gone anytime soon. I still love you so much don't get me wrong but I want to be single.. and I'm not looking for anything (meaning a relationship or another guy)."

Can you guys understand him?

I have been begging him to come back for a month. On the third week of begging, we actually met up in real life and I gave and showed him alot of sweet things and he cried and broke down, he said he loved me so much but he still needed time regardless. We kissed once and that was it.

The next month, I sent him a NC email because the night before I sent him the email, I made him angry again (cause i mentioned about the breakup again). He said I could never move past the breakup and always wants more than being friends. That's why I took a step back and sent him the NC email. I haven't talked to him for almost a month, then I broke the ice last monday. He has been talking to me but he's kinda cold the first night, telling me straight up that he wanted nothing more than friends with me 'right now'. That he has been doing really well and still has alot to do so..

He has been warming up to me again lately, he says 'aww' and call me by my nickname again. He's still lazy when it comes to texting though.

So yeah anyways, back to my question, do you guys think sometimes 'taking a break' is not an excuse but an actual need?

April 26, 2012

Just to say that although this isn't actually advice to your question, I think this is a very good point to raise! Perhaps it's to do with how frequent and long the break/s are for though?

April 26, 2012

this -- He keeps telling me, "I'm not a fortune teller, I don't know what will happen in the future that's why I'm not guaranteeing everything. There's always a possibility that we can work it out and be back together, but that might not happen too. All I know is I need this time alone and the feeling that I have I'm afraid won't be gone anytime soon. I still love you so much don't get me wrong but I want to be single.. and I'm not looking for anything (meaning a relationship or another guy)."

that's a line. my opinion, you need to back off and go back to NC. that's a stupid line everyone uses to soften the blow. no **** you're not a fortune teller and can't predict the future, just like everyone else in the world.

all that line says is "no i don't really hate you, i just don't want to be with you."

the whole "in the future" crap is just to make both of you feel better. don't live on false hope. he doesn't want you, go find a dude that does.

sure, maybe there's differences with gay/straight relationships, but people are still people, and i don't think behavior strays too far in terms like this.

April 26, 2012

But he even told me 'Im not that upset because you still want to be my best friend and I know we can work things out in the future.'

Theres one thing about our relationship and that's honesty. We literally never lied when it comes to serious stuff like this. We are both very mature people for our age.

I know people are all different so it's hard to understand someone when you've never been on their shoes before.

But yeah I just am curious as to my original question- can sometimes break be an actual need instead of an excuse or a lousy reasoning for a breakup?

He has been in relationships for 5-6 years, thats 1/3rd of his life.. So..

April 26, 2012

my ex said similar things, didn't say the thing about maybe in the future, but said that he needed to work on himself, and be single, there was no one else, but that he hasnt taken the time to be alone, and has been in relationships since his divorce. i think for him, and possibly your ex, things were getting serious, and he realized he had two options, settle down, or get out of dodge. and fear won out, he isn't ready to settle down, thought he was, but when he realized where things were heading, and there was no going back, he bailed. later he told me the timing was off, that it was nothing i did, and that what we had was good, but, he just couldnt go the next step and he felt it wasnt fair to me to keep me waiting when he may never be ready.

i think the maybe in the future line, is said out of kindness, but when someone is confused or unsure, they don't know what they want, and what they want may change, by the time they figure it out. i am actually glad now that he didn't dangle that carrot, although at the time i was hurt that he couldn't tell me we may still have a future, i know now that he didnt know himself, and didnt want me hanging on the hope of something that may never happen.. *hugs*

hope my insight helps you.

April 26, 2012

Yea i do think breaks can be a necessity. Iv been with my boyfriend for 4 years and a few months ago he needed a break because we had trusy issues. At first i was like u, txting and emailing and begging fir hom back and he was cold - because if he wants a break then thats exactly what he wants and needs - time to be by himself. If u leave him to it (and believe me i know how hard it is to try to not break nc) he will work out himself uf this relationship us what he wants, be it for the best or worse. If u are both honest all thru ur relationship then trust him and let him be, u know the saying 'if you love someone let them go' it doesnt mean they wont come back. After nc for a while my boyfriend decided he did want to be with me, so im proof it works. Good luck and let us know what happens!!

April 28, 2012

Yea i do think breaks can be a necessity. Iv been with my boyfriend for 4 years and a few months ago he needed a break because we had trusy issues. At first i was like u, txting and emailing and begging fir hom back and he was cold - because if he wants a break then thats exactly what he wants and needs - time to be by himself. If u leave him to it (and believe me i know how hard it is to try to not break nc) he will work out himself uf this relationship us what he wants, be it for the best or worse. If u are both honest all thru ur relationship then trust him and let him be, u know the saying 'if you love someone let them go' it doesnt mean they wont come back. After nc for a while my boyfriend decided he did want to be with me, so im proof it works. Good luck and let us know what happens!!

I have been flirting with alot of guys online, some are much cuter and hotter than my ex, but still, nothing can compare to my connection with my ex. It was so deep, it was Romeo & Juliet like level as cheesy at that sounds. I am hoping and praying and whatever that a break is what he needs and that he will realize what he had was so good.. I dont want to jinx anything but I have never been more sure in my life about something before I know he is the one for me. Its not because hes my first love, it doesnt take forever to realize that hes my

Soulmate. I love him so much. 2 months after the breakup and feelings are still the same for me

April 28, 2012

my ex said similar things, didn't say the thing about maybe in the future, but said that he needed to work on himself, and be single, there was no one else, but that he hasnt taken the time to be alone, and has been in relationships since his divorce. i think for him, and possibly your ex, things were getting serious, and he realized he had two options, settle down, or get out of dodge. and fear won out, he isn't ready to settle down, thought he was, but when he realized where things were heading, and there was no going back, he bailed. later he told me the timing was off, that it was nothing i did, and that what we had was good, but, he just couldnt go the next step and he felt it wasnt fair to me to keep me waiting when he may never be ready.

i think the maybe in the future line, is said out of kindness, but when someone is confused or unsure, they don't know what they want, and what they want may change, by the time they figure it out. i am actually glad now that he didn't dangle that carrot, although at the time i was hurt that he couldn't tell me we may still have a future, i know now that he didnt know himself, and didnt want me hanging on the hope of something that may never happen.. *hugs*

hope my insight helps you.

At first i thought so too, about the future, but how come he's single and not looking for anyone? If he has someone else then i can see how hes trying to lay me down gently but it seems like hes realy honest about the brakup

April 28, 2012

this messes with me too, mine is also still single. and not interested in looking for anyone. sometimes it really hurts my pride, that he would rather be alone than with me. but, mine has some self esteem issues, he may have taken it into his head that he does not deserve me, and that he is better off alone? just guess work. he tries to tell me he prefers it, but i have trouble believing that. after the whole, cool i can come and go when i want with who i want ...then what?

so, im waiting for the allure of not being responsible for someone else to wear off, and trying to not think about it, and keep my options open. i refuse to put my life on hold, but i also refuse to give up completely, although i am trying. my brain isn't ready to let go. i know he misses me. it does not make sense, but perhaps some people would rather be unattached. some people value freedom above companionship i guess. *shrugs*

April 28, 2012

this messes with me too, mine is also still single. and not interested in looking for anyone. sometimes it really hurts my pride, that he would rather be alone than with me. but, mine has some self esteem issues, he may have taken it into his head that he does not deserve me, and that he is better off alone? just guess work. he tries to tell me he prefers it, but i have trouble believing that. after the whole, cool i can come and go when i want with who i want ...then what?

so, im waiting for the allure of not being responsible for someone else to wear off, and trying to not think about it, and keep my options open. i refuse to put my life on hold, but i also refuse to give up completely, although i am trying. my brain isn't ready to let go. i know he misses me. it does not make sense, but perhaps some people would rather be unattached. some people value freedom above companionship i guess. *shrugs*

This. Except that he was the one who was obsessed over me and said he would never leave me. Said that we will go through whatever through thick and thin. I just dont understand, my mind literally is fked because of this guy. I wish he can just give me a closure

April 28, 2012

this messes with me too, mine is also still single. and not interested in looking for anyone. sometimes it really hurts my pride, that he would rather be alone than with me. but, mine has some self esteem issues, he may have taken it into his head that he does not deserve me, and that he is better off alone? just guess work. he tries to tell me he prefers it, but i have trouble believing that. after the whole, cool i can come and go when i want with who i want ...then what?

so, im waiting for the allure of not being responsible for someone else to wear off, and trying to not think about it, and keep my options open. i refuse to put my life on hold, but i also refuse to give up completely, although i am trying. my brain isn't ready to let go. i know he misses me. it does not make sense, but perhaps some people would rather be unattached. some people value freedom above companionship i guess. *shrugs*

Can I give you a different perspective? Maybe he is trying to heal rather than moving on to another relationship bearing the scars from this relationship. I broke up with a woman two years ago who, to this day, I love very deeply. We just weren't compatible. I wished the best for her and am glad to hear she is married and living the life I couldn't give her. Afterwards, I spent a year not dating. I was trying to work through my part of the baggage before moving on.

Thoughts?

April 28, 2012

by weren't compatible, could you mean personality, or some deal breaker? I would be okay with this, if it was something that was discussed. if weren't compatible means fighting a lot, there was very little drama in my situation. no real fights, although we had discussions, and didn't agree on everything, we didn't really argue. i thought we were on the same page until the day he left. so, i suppose, if it was incompatibility, it wasn't communicated well, or at all. it might be, in my situation that he decided that marriage wasn't what he wanted, and he assumed i would not take anything less. not sure. if that is why, i hope we do talk again, because not getting married isn't a dealbreaker for me at all. it would be tragic if that is why he left.

April 28, 2012

by weren't compatible, could you mean personality, or some deal breaker? I would be okay with this, if it was something that was discussed. if weren't compatible means fighting a lot, there was very little drama in my situation. no real fights, although we had discussions, and didn't agree on everything, we didn't really argue. i thought we were on the same page until the day he left. so, i suppose, if it was incompatibility, it wasn't communicated well, or at all. it might be, in my situation that he decided that marriage wasn't what he wanted, and he assumed i would not take anything less. not sure. if that is why, i hope we do talk again, because not getting married isn't a dealbreaker for me at all. it would be tragic if that is why he left.

It could be either personality or a deal breaker. In our case, we had very different goals in life AND personality issues. She is very emotional and required that EVERY fight be settled right now. I am one who needs time away from high drama to be rational. I get overloaded, I start saying things I don't mean. (Not one of my better traits.)

I think many times people believe they are compatible until the final straw is laid on the pile. And, I believe, most people don't have the ability to communicate their heart deeply. Most people are walking wounded.

Don't mean to hijack OP's thread, but I do have a question. Deep in your heart, do you want marriage? If you chose him and he wouldn't marry you, would you be resentful later?

April 28, 2012

no, i wouldn't resent him. i say this because we have both been married before, and are divorced, so we both know how it can go wrong. if i had never ever gotten married, or if he hadn't been through it twice, possibly.

ironically, i thought marriage was important to him because he is conservative christian, so, i thought he would prefer the legitimization of things. my family was putting on some pressure too, since we were together after the one year mark, plus i have a kid, and i think things were going that way, and he had a moment where he was like, wth am i doing? and panicked. i think he also promised his family he wouldnt rush into anything, as he did the last two times, and i think he was getting pressure to not get so serious from his family.

probably a lot of factors, and some misunderstanding. i think had i not had the time away from him, had he not broken up with me, i might have been more resentful. seeing life without him, and having time to think about other options, maybe makes me more open minded now than i would have been. better to break up for sure, than for him to marry someone if he doesn't want to get married, for sure.

for the record, i am the laid back one, agnostic, but not anti religion, and it wasn't an area of contention for us, i respected and admired his faith, and encouraged him in it because i knew it was important to him, and he respected my wishes, and wasn't overbearing at all. but he was the more uptight worried one, and i was the easygoing more accomodating one. but we complemented each other well.

April 28, 2012

n i think had i not had the time away from him, had he not broken up with me, i might have been more resentful. seeing life without him, and having time to think about other options, maybe makes me more open minded now than i would have been. better to break up for sure, than for him to marry someone if he doesn't want to get married, for sure.

Is that a corner being turned? I hear you being open more, and stuck on him less.

And your comment about better to break up than marry is spot on! I have a friend who was second guessing all the way to the altar. She is divorced now. She was afraid of letting her friends and family down by holding off on the marriage.

I am surprised the difference in religion wasn't a big issue. Usually it's one of the big topics that can kill a relationship. I'm not against other's views, but I do need compatibility here, just like in money, child-rearing, etc. I am not doubting you, but it is surprising.

April 29, 2012

yeah, it was surprising to us too. normally, i wouldn't even date someone religious, never have before, but, i went into it without any expectations, and i think when i started to expect things to go a certain way, that's when it ended. we agreed on child rearing, and despite being agnostic, i am kinda old fashioned, and have a strong belief system of right and wrong, and loyalty. being honest. we had a lot in common as far as personal responsibility, and how a person should behave. he did have issues. and i think he needs this time to work on those, i dont think he gave himself any time between relationships to sort out things. and, i think he must have had a moment where he realized that if he married me, with all the baggage he was carrying, it would fail. or his family would be like, oh boy, here we go again.. so, if this is what he needs to do, he knows himself better than i do. i gotta trust that he knows what he is going, and let him go. i have gotten to the point where i understand enough to appreciate the fact that he didn't try the "lets take a break" or "who knows what the future may hold." he told me he cant get married, and doesnt know if he will ever be able to. he gets anxious just thinking about it, and he didnt want me to wait for him. he had a lot to sort out, and i think he didnt want to hurt me, but didnt want to risk another divorce, and that was it.

April 29, 2012

OP: Hilariously, I'm almost in the exact same boat as you-- a gay man, had a great relationship, until suddenly our perfect boyfriend says he needs time alone to work on his own ****.

I wish I could look at my situation and say, yeah, sometimes a break is just a break-- but we've been in relationship limbo for more than a month now. So, to sum it up: I have no clue.

It blows, 100%. I feel your pain. Unfortunately, the sucky thing about relationships is you can never argue your way back into them. The other person either wants you, or they don't. Keep your head high and hold onto your self-respect. If it's something that's truly "meant to be", he'll realize being single sucks and tell you about it.

April 29, 2012

silkfox is right, don't waste your time trying to "bargain" with him. i did, and there is nothing you can say that will change his mind, except time, and experience. there are no guarantees in life. *hugs*

April 30, 2012

But he even told me 'Im not that upset because you still want to be my best friend and I know we can work things out in the future.'
Theres one thing about our relationship and that's honesty. We literally never lied when it comes to serious stuff like this. We are both very mature people for our age.
I know people are all different so it's hard to understand someone when you've never been on their shoes before.

But yeah I just am curious as to my original question- can sometimes break be an actual need instead of an excuse or a lousy reasoning for a breakup?
He has been in relationships for 5-6 years, thats 1/3rd of his life.. So..

well, a real breakup means that person is gone from your life, usually forever. if you're still there as his best friend, what has he lost? if you go from dating someone to being friends, you've only taken out the intimacy (or sometimes you don't) and you remove the "title". that means when someone new comes along, you can say "hey we were on a break" and it isn't cheating. that's where you need to be careful, and/or draw the line to protect YOU.

you're not together, and how are you gonna feel if he pops up with a new dude? you won't have any say-so about it either, and he's been clear you're not together, so it's doubtful he's gonna feel that guilty.

honestly, and i'm sure i'll be called cynical, but the only one watching out for you is YOU. i don't care how honest someone is, or was, in a relationship, this is one area everyone will be as vague as possible...during a breakup/break and involving "other people".

just don't be a backburner or second-choice.

May 4, 2012

Wow guys, sorry didnt reply back earlier. These past 2 weeks have been in emotional rollercoaster for me. So me and my ex had our first HUGE fight this monday night, it started with joking around and stuff. But then i confronted how cold and mean he has been towards me ever since the breakup. He then just lashed out at me. I understand why though cause he was very busy that night and has been and still will be for this whole week. He hasnt slept in days. but that didnt give him the excuse to say some really hurtful thigns to me.

I ended up giving him a long message telling him him over him and i cant believe someone who loved me the most can hurt me the most too. He then felt guilty i guess and he apologized to me over text at 4 am. He told me that he cared about me so much that s why he tried to lay me down as gently as he could. But that ended up hurting me more. He said feelings changed, its not me its him. So that KINDA gave me closure. but whatever I'm moving on, i have other interests now.

Wishing u guys the best of luck too.

May 4, 2012

Sometimes "I need space" is an excuse, because your ex may not know what the hell they want.

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Is wanting a break sometimes not an excuse but an actual need?

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