how can i get her interest level skyrocketing?

[Savaris]

I met her when she and her ex broke up like 3 months, then we dated for like 3 months, but I was REALLY needy,clingy etc wanted to rush into a relationship said I love you too fast, because she lives in another town and so do I but i was smitten over her, and her close friend died so she needed space but i kept pushing and pushing being so annoying, eventually she even ignored me, said yeah i jus want to stay friends.. i just came from a relationship i dont want obligations, so she ignored me, i kept talking trying to convince her to talk to me, after 2 months trying i stopped.. i was rlly ridiculous but u can see how much it hurt me, then 2 months later she came to me telling me how amazing I am, and that shes been a real idiot, she regretted it so much, she kept buying me stuff, being so sweet, doing things and we were togetehr like tha for 4 motnhs when she said, somethings missing, and i feel that with my ex, so they dated for like 1.5 month but she still saw me during that time like 5-6 times, we were drawn to eachother, i kept holding her and stuff, just didnt kiss.. anyhow they brokeup like i thought they would so I rushed into her started kissing her, holding hands but yeah she was confused.. and now were here

[Savaris]

but the thing is, she also has mental issues, sometimes when she closes her eyes she doesnt know whats real and fake, and that shes pretending to be nice to people that people annoy her, she even told me I drive her crazy sometimes and she doesnt know why, perhaps because i brought the good out of her? she was ALWAYS happy with me, i always brought the good inside her and she knows that too, she told me that im the real deal and shes just a big wuss and a liar, that I deserve someone better

[Savaris]

anyways, ill just tag along for now, until i meet up with her ill just try to kiss her if she backs down ill tell her what you guys told me and that its either 100% me or 0% if she cant make up ill go NC, but its going to break me to keep seeing messages of her and not responding to them..i dont know if i can do that

[dasein]

You have to treat a rehash attempt with an ex as something new, like you are dating someone new. Do the exact same things that got her to begin with. Call her and ask her on a date. If she isn't interested enough in you to go on dates with you after a couple of attempts, the end, move on. On dates show overt interest like you would with someone new. As long as she continues to date you and react enthusiastically to your physical advances, all is green. If not, move onto other options.

 

Your posts makes me cringe for you, keep the process linear and binary at the start, little contact between dates. Your posts give the impression you are driving yourself to distraction over this ex, don't care so much.

 

OTOH, keep the actual interactions face to face, light and fun,a bit unpredictable, anything but linear and binary. Save all your attention and good moves for face to face, don't think of this as a game where you are trying to toss "attraction cards" across the room into a hat.

[TaraMaiden]

:laugh:

 

omg!!

 

first "TerrorMaiden"...

 

IronMaden is right. ...

 

Now this - !

 

 

Aaaah, dear....!

[TaraMaiden]

you sound about as Russian as someone from Bombay.....my little Ruskie friend.

 

[Savaris]

Ok guys, little update: i talked to her yesterday through chat :/ but yeah, she was like: i dont ****ing understand it, i think your so sexy and goodlooking but feels like that that sexual thing is missing.. I think of u as my brother or best friend; i cant force myself into something like that

 

I was right all along, thats what u get for being too nice to someone, trying to buy her love with affection and gifts. And not being yourself.I told her straight up that if thats what she really think, and is giving me up without trying its best if we go our separate ways, she said ok after that i didnt respond

 

So yeah what now lol guess its really done huh i screwed up by holding back

 

My gut is telling me shes going to try to contact me sooner or later, how should I pick it up from there? What would be the best way, to get her to try again? Ill move on if she doesnt try, but lets say she tries..

 

I guess less is more in that situation right

[Savaris]

Good post dasein thanks but i think i screwed up yesterday, big time. Anyways this was coming... She sees me as a friend , the only thing for her to change would be when she misses me and is willing to try again later on, but ill have to move on, if my feelings dont change for her, ill give her one last shot but right now she doesnt even want to try.. I know her shes going to talk eventually

What would you do when that time comes and you still want her back?

[Savaris]

O yeah, would it be wise to ignore her first few attempts is she decides to contact me within 1 week or 2? So she knows im serious

[TaraMaiden]

O yeah, would it be wise to ignore her first few attempts is she decides to contact me within 1 week or 2? So she knows im serious

NO,......

 

LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY:

 

Ir would be WISEST to ignore ALL her attempts, PERMANENTLY, ALWAYS, from now on, if she decides to contact you WHENEVER.

Full stop.

End of story.

End of Everything.

 

She knows you're not serious.

As far as she's concerned, you go quiet for a while, then she waits a decent lapse of time for you to cool off, and then she just yanks your chain again - and you respond.

 

you have no idea of the meaning of No Contact!!

 

read the guide in my signature, and read it a thousand times until you get it:

 

You shut off all contact, permanently, for good, for ever, with no going back, no time period, no two weeks, three days, three months, whatever - nothing.

You never see her again, you never speak to her again, you never respond to her again, you never reply to anything whatsoever, ever again.

 

You delete her number, you block her number you block her on facebook, you block her calls, you refuse her messages, you deny - all - Contact

for ever, for good - always.

 

This is it.

IT is well and truly FINISHED.

 

IT'S OVER.

ENDED.

NO MORE -

DONE WITH -

DEAD.

 

No more contact of any kind, whatsoever, ever again.

no.

 

No.

 

(and please don't come back and ask me what I mean, whether birthdays are ok (no, they're not!) whether you can just wave at her (no you can't!) or go to the same party as she does (completely inadvisable!)

 

N-O C-O-T-A-C-T means this is the absolute finale to ever interacting with her in any way shape or form ever again.

[Savaris]

What will that accomplish? This time im giving her the chance to finally figure things out, to see whether she needs me or not. Giving her time to miss, me and to finally feel how it is like without me. I know what I am going to do, IF she talks to me again ill be straightup, ill just say yeah what do you want from me? No more games

[crazylove]

Seriously Savaris, give up the ghost man...it's over!!

[Savaris]

I will, i just think that ignoring her would be rude, if she wants something ill just be straightforward.. better than ignoring, but we were both serious this time, so she knows whats up. IF she talks ill just ask her what she wants

Edited April 27, 2012 by Savaris

[TaraMaiden]

NO!!!

 

No, no, no, no no!!

 

that's not no contact!

 

That's just waiting for her to speak first, then you just get sucked back in!!

she will NEVER leave you alone and you will stay forever stuck in this "if she calls I'll just see what she wants!"

 

And this will go on, and on and on until one day, when you respond to see what she wants - it will be to see if you could help clean the reception hall for her wedding!

 

Ignoring her is not rude!!

Ignoring her is for your benefit, to help you heal, to make you move on, to enable you to get over this - and it helps her too, because otherwise YOU are just perpetuating this cycle of her continually tapping on your door, and you opening it - to nobody - because like the little kid who rings the bell, and then runs away - SHE IS NOT THERE FOR YOU!! SHE IS THERE FOR HER OWN ADVANTAGE!!

 

She just needs to be left alone - and she needs to get the message that she needs to leave YOU alone - and she will never get that message - if you keep pandering to her by responding!!

 

it's not polite - it's a senseless thing to do!

[Savaris]

Im wondering what would make her want to change her mind. You make it sound like its impossible when some people DO get back together. Can you give me sincere advice on not to completely let her out of my life and me out of hers but to make her want possible reconciliation? Im willing to take risks now, you heard the story, its all or nothing, if she doesnt comply its done, if she does good, we'll try one more time. So what would be the best course of action to make her want possible reconciliation?

 

nvm, just read your topic

 

. I've been on NC for some time and my Ex just contacted me, what do I do?

A. The question is: Why are they contacting you? If it's just to get something back, box up their stuff and have a friend give it to them.

Otherwise, there's no need to reply. No matter what, don't contact them back right away. Don't answer if they call. Show them you have a life and you don't need them in it. Yes, it's kind of a game but at this juncture, it's a necessary evil. I know a lot of people might disagree, but first of all, I would want to know why the ex is contacting me. If they are having doubts, they will make it clear. If you respond to them, be sure to take a day or two to do so. This will give you time to think clearly about what you want to say. When you reply, make sure that it's polite and to the point. Don't make any small talk. Don't bring up the past (big no-no). Don't volunteer any information about yourself. Be the first to end the conversation. Do be happy, do smile inside (CBT) and know that you'll be fine. Trust me, if your ex wants you back nothing will stop them from getting in touch with you. And this is ideally what you want. You want them to initiate the contact because it will be their heart that has changed.

 

If they really want you back, then you have to listen out for the apology. The complete 180.

"I'm really sorry for what I did. I don't know why I didi it, but all I know, is that it was the most stupid thing I've ever done. I want to try again, and will do whatever it takes to make it up to you, prove I'm deadly serious, and regain your trust. Please, can you find it in your heart to try again?"

 

Anything other than this - any small talk, any "so how are you?"s, any tentative chit-chat - is just breadcrumbs. Mostly, to appease their own guilt, make them feel better, and confirm that they can still yank your chain.

Edited April 27, 2012 by Savaris

[TaraMaiden]

....But do you GET IT??

 

the only thing you should actually ever respond to is a clear and absolutely unequivocal signal, from her, that she desperately loves you and would do anything to be able to try again.

 

Anything - ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING - else - is just a way of chatting with you and keeping you simmering on a back-boiler until you are roasted, broiled, cooked, done, shredded, dried out and falling off the bone.

[Savaris]

Yes, i understand. I remember her using that line when she wanted me back and we did get back together after that so your right. Ill just be cold, that'll give the same message as ignoring. So like in your post, dont give any info, let her lead and just give small polite answers and be the first one to end the convo like I dont need her. IF she wants to get back or anything ill see it

[persevere]

She's playing games. You really want her interested? Lay off, start ignoring her a bit. Even go out on a date with another, tactfully letting her know.

[TaraMaiden]

Yes, i understand. I remember her using that line when she wanted me back and we did get back together after that so your right. Ill just be cold, that'll give the same message as ignoring. So like in your post, dont give any info, let her lead and just give small polite answers. IF she wants to get back or anything ill see it

 

NO!!!

 

Give her no answer at all!!

The only thing you respond to is "I want to try again!"

 

And if she wants to tell you that - she will!

she will make it absolutely clear!

But until you get that direct message from her - do not respond to anything!!

[Savaris]

I dont get her though,

 

She finds me really sexy, she finds me goodlooking, she tells me im sweet to her and make her laugh so much but theres sexually missing something? I want to know so I dont ever have to hear something like this from anyone again.

 

According to me, its because of my behaviour towards her, what do you think? never talked about sex and stuff always treated her like my best friend, being there for her when she needed it, making her feel good, complimenting her all the time. didnt create any tension, u think its because of that?

[Savaris]

ok so basicly its all or nothing, making her realize that she either lost me, or wants to try again

 

and if she really does care and has a change of heart until i hear that i have to ignore her messages and attempts, and if she does not try after a couple of hello's then i guess it was never meant to be. Sucks but I think your right lets see what will happen.. it'll be the first time i do something like this before this she always felt secure

[TaraMaiden]

What you have to do is to pretend she never existed at all.

 

you have to make believe that she's a non-person.

you have to convince yourself that she is not known to you, and is nobody to you.

 

That's how far you have to go to wipe this out of your life and enable you to go on with it.

You have to step out of this self-destructive cycle, and start a new book.

 

It seems harsh, but it's the only way.

 

Put it this way - if a doctor has a patient whose leg is dangerously infected and needs amputation - he's not going to do it in little pieces, is he?

[Savaris]

yes your right, and i do know that but its hard when someone tells you that she likes you a lot and everything, and i have the same feelings for her, when you know whats missing but cant fix it anymore.. It's like buying the perfect car, one that you always want to ride in but it breaks down and the one part u need to make it work is not being sold anymore or in this case, the one place which has it doesnt want to sell it to you -_-

[TaraMaiden]

that's right.

So you cut your losses, dump the car, and if someone else wants to take on the responsibility of fixing it and being liable for the upkeep - that's their problem.

you - get yourself a brand new car, with fewer maintenance issues.

[Savaris]

We'll see what happens, thanks for your advice, really appreciate it!