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I'm scared of being lonely, more than being without him...i think

nanbullen

By nanbullen
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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nanbullen Established Member

nanbullen

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I don't believe you. :) I think just about all people want to be liked at some level. But don't worry about keeping conversations going, in fact other people may not always know what to say either.

 

I think my sadness is so obvious to everybody, it’s a people repellent. When my ex-husband and I split, I had a lot of these same feelings and I tried to get out there. Smiling, trying to talk to people, reaching out to my friends, getting out, going everywhere, trying to strike up conversations. None of it worked, I just felt worse than if I had never tried…..that’s why I started sleeping with him again in this sort of farce of a relationship. It wasn’t much better than being by myself, but at least I felt like SOMEBODY, even a jerk, was there for me to talk to.

 

Oh, I know you are trying to help me, and I so appreciate it. I’m still in that initial stage of loss of my relationship. I’m in shock and sometimes denial. I kinda knew it was over since this weekend….but I didn’t hear it from him until this morning that he met someone else. Right now I need to focus on acting normal for my daughter. Maybe I’m so depressed right now, I just can’t see any light at the end of a tunnel.

 

I don’t know how I am going to make it through the day, much less trying to learn to like myself and make friends.

BewitchedandBothered Established Member

BewitchedandBothered

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Bewitched - What am i missing here? How do people learn to love themselves? i need a manual. Do I look in the mirror and tell myself i'm likable? Do i make a list of my good qualities? i already do all that stuff like get my nails, hair, go to gym etc. I don't think i'm physically unattractive, i think if anything, that's all i have to attract these losers to me. But i'm not kidding myself, i'm ugly on the inside. or if not ugly, empty.

 

You attract these losers because you don't want to be alone. Try going it alone and you will start to realize that the only person you want must be worthy of your time. But you need to not rely on others for your happiness. Go it alone for awhile so you can heal, and good things will happen.

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nanbullen Established Member

nanbullen

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I know. But i am SCARED of being alone. when i was getting divorced and trying to get out,and it wasnt working, I was alone. And I remember sitting around by myself thinking "I am so lonely". I just couldn't stand it.

 

I would LOVE to be able to be alone and be happy!! It would be a dream come true! To not have to be abused by the a**holes? I would give anything for that! To know i will never be lonely again?

 

I KNOW what i am doing to myself. I feel like if i could only figure out how to be friends with myself I wouldn't need anybody else, and I wouldn't have to do this to myself anymore.

Green Light Established Member

Green Light

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I know. But i am SCARED of being alone. when i was getting divorced and trying to get out,and it wasnt working, I was alone. And I remember sitting around by myself thinking "I am so lonely". I just couldn't stand it.

 

I would LOVE to be able to be alone and be happy!! It would be a dream come true! To not have to be abused by the a**holes? I would give anything for that! To know i will never be lonely again?

 

I KNOW what i am doing to myself. I feel like if i could only figure out how to be friends with myself I wouldn't need anybody else, and I wouldn't have to do this to myself anymore.

 

I can relate to the feelings of loneliness. Fear of being alone has made me do some stupid things in my life. Made me make some really bad decisions. I stayed in my last relationship too long because of this. Now I get more bored than lonely. I'm not really good at entertaining myself and coming up with new things to do by myself.

Green Light Established Member

Green Light

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Green Light , thank u for saying what I am unable to put into words. I can’t make new friends, I have 2-3 friends from high school, all of which live across the country and have their own lives. At my age, people are pretty set in their social circle, as opposed to college age. Or that’s been my experience as well. I don’t think people are cruel, but I do think they can’t be bothered, especially since there’s nothing about me that is particularly likeable or draws people in.

 

When you hit middle age the social rules change. People are naturally stand-offish unless you have something really strong in common with them, usually children of similar age. I think that most people tend to find middle-aged, single people to be creepy. I guess it's because they can't relate.

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nanbullen Established Member

nanbullen

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I can relate to the feelings of loneliness. Fear of being alone has made me do some stupid things in my life. Made me make some really bad decisions. I stayed in my last relationship too long because of this. Now I get more bored than lonely. I'm not really good at entertaining myself and coming up with new things to do by myself.

 

 

That's right! I'm more bored than lonely. I know there's places I can go, but what's the point of going by myself? I can honestly say that I've stayed too long in every relationship because of this. I was just waiting for someone else to come along, and I knew it. I actually think i'm pretty good at entertaining myself,but only if i'm in a relationship. When I am just staying with someone because I don't want to be alone, I like doing things by myself! It seems like I just need to know that I am *with* somebody.

 

Why is it the things I enjoy doing by myself when I am in a relationship, I have no desire to do when i don't have a boyfriend/husband?

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nanbullen Established Member

nanbullen

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When you hit middle age the social rules change. People are naturally stand-offish unless you have something really strong in common with them, usually children of similar age. I think that most people tend to find middle-aged, single people to be creepy. I guess it's because they can't relate.

 

Exactly!! Seeing it put like that makes me sooooo depressed, but that's exactly how it is. Middle-aged single people seem creepy. Especially if they have been single for a long time. It's like they settle into this single person LIFESTYLE, until there's not any room left for another person. I don't want to have a ton of my own furniture. I don't want to have my clothes fill up a whole closet. I don't want enough *stuff* to fill up a whole house, or a whole life.

Thatguyintx Established Member

Thatguyintx

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Exactly!! Seeing it put like that makes me sooooo depressed, but that's exactly how it is. Middle-aged single people seem creepy. Especially if they have been single for a long time. It's like they settle into this single person LIFESTYLE, until there's not any room left for another person. I don't want to have a ton of my own furniture. I don't want to have my clothes fill up a whole closet. I don't want enough *stuff* to fill up a whole house, or a whole life.

 

But, it's when you can do those things that you are truly healthy to allow someone else in your life. It's when you don't NEED a relationship that you attract others. I have dated women that wanted the relationship more than they wanted me. And there is nothing more of a turn-off than knowing they want the relationship lifestyle rather than me.

 

Admittedly, I am on toxic relationship detox and need to practice what I preach!

 

:)

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nanbullen Established Member

nanbullen

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But, it's when you can do those things that you are truly healthy to allow someone else in your life. It's when you don't NEED a relationship that you attract others. I have dated women that wanted the relationship more than they wanted me. And there is nothing more of a turn-off than knowing they want the relationship lifestyle rather than me.

 

Admittedly, I am on toxic relationship detox and need to practice what I preach!

 

:)

 

I hear you Thatguyintx! You're right, but there's a fine line, you know? I'm thinking more of the stereotypical, set in their ways, forever single.....I don't want to say cat lady, because that's not really what I mean. Have you ever known anybody who's been single so long that you can't picture them with someone. Green Light said it best when he said creepy.

 

As for wanting the relationship lifestyle more than the person, I know it's unattractive and a total turn off to someone who is "emotionally healthy". But in my case, I attract men who have their own issues, and are attracted to me BECAUSE they see in me something that speaks to their dysfunction....

 

They use me for their own reasons.

 

As usual, I have no idea how to eloquently, or even coherently, say what I'm trying to say:(

 

BTW: I live in tx too! It must be something in the air lol

Edited by nanbullen
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Thatguyintx Established Member

Thatguyintx

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I hear you Thatguyintx! You're right, but there's a fine line, you know? I'm thinking more of the stereotypical, set in their ways, forever single.....I don't want to say cat lady, because that's not really what I mean. Have you ever known anybody who's been single so long that you can't picture them with someone. Green Light said it best when he said creepy.

 

As for wanting the relationship lifestyle more than the person, I know it's unattractive and a total turn of to someone who is "emotionally healthy". But in my case, I attract men who have their own issues, and are attracted to me BECAUSE they see in me something that speaks to their dysfunction....

 

They use me for their own reasons.

 

As usual, I have no idea how to eloquently, or even coherently, say what I'm trying to say:(

 

BTW: I live in tx too! It must be something in the air lol

 

It's not the air, it's the heat. Drives us all insane! ;)

 

There is a line, but I am not sure how fine it is. I think many people stay single until they truly meet the right person. And this can take a LONG time.

 

I think many of us try to "fit" the person they are dating into their life. Call me naive (even though I am way too old to be naive anymore), but I believe you don't need to fit them in. They just match. Round peg, round hole. Me? I seem to find the square peg, round hole. But I won't settle.

 

I did want to share something I said/did in my last relationship that just embarrases me to admit. I have very few passions in life, but I told the previous woman I was okay giving up my biggest passion because it would get in the way of the relationship. Talk about being a wuss! Since we broke up, I have dived further into that passion and am loving it!

 

So, why do you allow yourself to fall in with these dysfunctional men? Or is it more like they SEEM okay, and then the real them comes out?

 

Please, expand. :)

SilverBlueAndGold Established Member

SilverBlueAndGold

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It seems like I just need to know that I am *with* somebody.

 

I know this feeling. And I beat myself up with it a lot right after the breakup. I was "that guy" that showed up alone and is likely going home alone. It didnt take long for me to say to myself "Self, stop putting yourself in positions where you are REMINDED that you are alone". I realized that I was doing the same things as when I had a girlfriend, with other couples, and it was just grinding me down.

 

Yes. it's hard to go from always having somebody to do things with, to fall asleep knowing you will see them tommorow, to have the promise of a future. But the cold hard fact of life is, that's never guaranteed. Ever. Don't mean to bum you out even more (honest!) but it's the truth.

 

Have been finding new things to do, new people to do them with and it's helped a lot. Is that a possibly for you? This is a good segue into your next question:

 

Why is it the things I enjoy doing by myself when I am in a relationship, I have no desire to do when i don't have a boyfriend/husband?

 

Now is the time to find things you want to do. For you. That YOU like. It will accomplish two things: you will learn what you really like and it will help keep your mind off being alone. AND you may just discover that you are able to maintain these things when you do find somebody else so you are not in this same boat if that one doesnt work out either. This was a huge mistake I made.

 

 

It is not easy to be alone after we are used to being "a couple". I totally get that. Boy, do I get that. :cool: The trick that has been helping me is switching things up, a lot. Not going to the same places, finding different things to do, getting in touch with friends that were neglected during the relationship, etc.

 

Really, it is possible. Don't defeat yourself before you even start. I didnt say it's easy but it is far from impossible.

 

:bunny:

Edited by SilverBlueAndGold
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nanbullen Established Member

nanbullen

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I did want to share something I said/did in my last relationship that just embarrases me to admit. I have very few passions in life, but I told the previous woman I was okay giving up my biggest passion because it would get in the way of the relationship. Talk about being a wuss! Since we broke up, I have dived further into that passion and am loving it!

 

Consider yourself lucky that you gave up just one passion. I would give up anything if I thought it would make things better. I’m trying to think of what passions I’ve given up, and it’s more like I don’t have any. My passion in life is not being alone. It’s that simple. I don’t know why. If it’s possible to have a fear of intimacy and a fear of abandonment at the same time, then that’s what I have. Maybe I have a fear of intimacy BECAUSE I have a fear of abandonment. They say if you can figure out what’s wrong with you, you can solve it. But maybe I’m missing something obvious….

 

These men don’t seem ok; I know they’re dysfunctional from the start. Obviously, somebody who’s not dysfunctional would never be interested in me. I don’t know if I would even say I have low self-esteem. It’s like I can step outside myself and see what I am doing to myself, but I just don’t know how to stop or something.

 

As soon as I accepted that there was a very, very, good chance I was going to be dumped…. I immediately called my ex-husband to feel him out and mend fences in anticipation of going back to him as a last resort. What’s sick is I already feel 10 times worse feeling like I’m stuck with him, when the man I really want is with somebody else. Come on, i divorced him!! But I CAN’T be alone. I know I’m a horrible person and I’m using him. But, if he wasn’t dysfunctional, he would never consider taking me back in the first place. Anyway, I get what I deserve, believe that. Look how miserable I am now!

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nanbullen Established Member

nanbullen

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Clearly you have fear of abandonment issues. Do you Have a therapist?

 

Do these resonate with you?

 

Love Addicts Anonymous

 

I do have abandonment issues. I answered yes to every one of those questions. But the top of that page linked to “12 step” stuff, and I can’t do that. that’s where my fear of intimacy comes in. There is no way I could get up in front of a group of people and talk about anything. I can’t afford a therapist anyway, but when I was in my early 20’s I went to a psychiatrist 3-4 times, it was “strongly suggested” by my parents if I wanted them to continue to help me pay for college, lol. Anyway, this lady would immediately zero in and comment or ask me something that would make me so sad I would start sobbing, unable to even talk about why I was so sad because I didn’t know why! So I would sit there in a chair for 50 minutes, crying, while she sat across from me, not saying anything and just staring at me in that way psychiatrists have of “not filling the silence”. After a few visits, I decided I would rather drop out of college than go back LOL ( i didn't drop out). It's funny, looking back on it. I can’t believe people pay for that.

 

SilverBlue, you are seriously bumming me out!! It’s a good thing I live in a one story building, or I’d be out on the ledge, LOL! I’m kidding, I know you’re trying to knock some sense into me. I re-read my pity party posts and, believe me; my eyes are rolling so far back in my head!:o

 

I hope tomorrow I’ll be more positive.

Edited by nanbullen
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