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I'm scared of being lonely, more than being without him...i think

nanbullen

By nanbullen
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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nanbullen Established Member

nanbullen

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I Have typed and retyped this post to try to have it make sense, but this is the best I can do. I'm sleep deprived. Mornings are so hard for me, so I don't want to go to sleep. I apologize in advance if I don't make sense.

 

I only feel safe expressing affection, or emotional intimacy, with people who I’m not afraid of being rejected by. Here’s an example: I have never been able to cry at the death of ANY close friends or family members, including my only sibling. I don’t even like to talk about it. My daughter thinks that I was an only child like she is because I’ve never gotten around to mentioning that I used to have a sibling. I hate, HATE, when people I meet ask me if I have any brothers or sisters (such a normal innocent question). It’s like I can’t grieve, but I cry over the stupidest movies, commercials, not even a few tears, but CRYING. It’s like I have so much sadness in me that I can barely keep it inside.

 

Somehow, I think this is all connected with why I pick men that are emotionally unavailable, because I have a fear of abandonment. So it’s like subconsciously I pick men that I CAN’T really love…..because then I can’t be hurt. It’s not even really subconscious. I let them treat me like crap, and I fight for these relationships because I can’t be alone. When a relationship ends, I have to immediately jump into a new one.

 

The problem is, I end up relying on these men for emotional support because it’s so hard for me to put myself out there, with people I really actually care for. So it’s fear of loneliness that drives me. And now I am faced with being all alone I am completely falling apart. I don’t remember a time in my life that I have been alone. When I got back together with my ex, I was going thru divorce. Despite the pending divorce we were still sleeping together, but I of course, broke it off immediately when I reunited with my exbf.

 

This is why I think I don’t really know HOW to love somebody, because I’ve always been too scared that this person will be taken from me? I don’t know…..I’ve never really been able to put all this together in my head in a way that makes sense.

 

I don’t really know what I am asking here. I am more scared of the future than anything else I guess. Maybe that’s why mornings are so hard for me. I just think of the days ahead, and I feel so empty. I can’t stop feeling like I am broken. There’s something so fundamentally wrong with me! I feel like I have backed myself into a corner. I am too scared to have any relationship where I have to make myself really vulnerable, so I substitute “fake” intimacy with men who don’t really care about me, and if I’m honest, I don’t care about either.

 

I don’t know how I got myself into this position where I spent my whole life afraid of being alone, and here I am. And now I feel more alone than ever because I’m starting to think I’ll never be able to be truly in love!

 

I guess I’m saying I don’t care if my ex is an a**hole who never loved me. I want him back because it’s better than being alone. But I deleted his # and the only way is to get itemized phone bill from my cell carrier….I hope by tomorrow I am stronger, and don’t go through with it. He probably wouldn’t answer anyway, and I would feel even worse….if that’s possible. How do i get rid of this anxiety, and stop thinking about him?!

Thatguyintx Established Member

Thatguyintx

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The introspection is the first step. Be alone and use that aloneness to figure out who you really are. When I divorced, I also went from one relationship to another. Never spent more than a month or two alone. I recognized it was going to continue unless I broke the cycle. So, after the just previous relationship, I went for about a year without dating at all. I spent that time growing as a person.

 

I get lonely too. But I no longer define myself through relationships. I am me. I have my own identity and I am comfortable with me. And, this is difficult, but if I end up alone for the rest of my life, I will be okay.

 

In the end, I truly do believe I must love myself before another could truly love me.

 

Make sense?

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crazylove Established Member

crazylove

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I agree, this is a great opportunity to 'find' yourself. It's going to be hard to move on and it will take time, but you deserve to have the chance to be happy in the future, and going back to your ex would be counter productive right now.

Come here, post and keep busy. It's going to be hard, but there is support here for you:).

PS Good work deleting his number...try and stay strong

BewitchedandBothered Established Member

BewitchedandBothered

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You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. My ex used me and others to fulfill his loneliness and trust me==we all felt that and it hurts to be used like that. He would take anyone to fill the slot.

 

When you have learned to be comfortable in your own company and love yourself, you will feel confident-and healthy confidence shows:) You will attract a decent man who will like you for you:) It will take time, but it will be worth the journey because you have so much to learn about yourself along the way. Anyone else right now would just be in your way.

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djmm Member

djmm

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"Check yahself b4 you wreck yahself"

 

hip hop wisdom but it is a state of mind i live by.

SilverBlueAndGold Established Member

SilverBlueAndGold

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You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. My ex used me and others to fulfill his loneliness and trust me==we all felt that and it hurts to be used like that. He would take anyone to fill the slot.

 

When you have learned to be comfortable in your own company and love yourself, you will feel confident-and healthy confidence shows:) You will attract a decent man who will like you for you:) It will take time, but it will be worth the journey because you have so much to learn about yourself along the way. Anyone else right now would just be in your way.

 

I think a lot of people are in this situation including me. We tend to attract people of similar emotional states so it's no wonder we find ourselves going from one relationship to another and getting the same results. Usually we are trading one dysfunction for another.

 

Guess what the common denominator is. :laugh:

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nanbullen Established Member

nanbullen

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Yes, but how do i learn to love myself, by myself....when i have this overwhelming NEED to not be alone? I don't know any other way!

 

I'm not trying to sound obtuse. I don't understand.

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

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first of all hunt as far back as you can, to discern why you don't.

until you discover that, you can't redress the balance.

 

You can't make a mortar mix to hold a house up - if you don't know what goes in a mortar mix....

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Green Light Established Member

Green Light

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I'm going through pretty much the same thing right now. I am learning to be comfortable with being alone. In the past I would have been climbing the walls but now I actually sort of relish being alone sometimes. The others are right, you really do have to feel comfortable with yourself and comfortable with being alone and you have to at least like yourself.

The nights can be tough sometimes for me. Sometimes I just lay there and think about the past and about the future.

Green Light Established Member

Green Light

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Yes, but how do i learn to love myself, by myself....when i have this overwhelming NEED to not be alone? I don't know any other way!

 

I'm not trying to sound obtuse. I don't understand.

 

It is confusing! I try to steer away from the phrase "love yourself" because I don't know what that means either. Instead I say "like yourself" because that means that you look at yourself mostly in a positive light whereas, "love yourself" seems to be someone who is really self involved and egotistical. If any of that makes any sense.

It sounds to me like you don't have a good sense of identity, of who you really are, so you rely on other people(the men) in your life to define you. I am guilty of this same thing except reverse the sexes. I have never had a healthy relationship with a woman and this is a large part of the problem. The women that I have attracted have had many emotional problems as well. So if you don't feel good about yourself you really do end up attracting other people who are having emotional problems as well.

I am now in my early 40s and I'm just learning all of this. I think of the wasted time and that really depresses me but I guess it's better late than NEVER!

SilverBlueAndGold Established Member

SilverBlueAndGold

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Yes, but how do i learn to love myself, by myself....when i have this overwhelming NEED to not be alone? I don't know any other way!

 

I'm not trying to sound obtuse. I don't understand.

 

I don't think you are obtuse, because this is not an easy question to answer. But it is an important one, if you NEED to not be alone you are vulnerable to unhealthy relationships. It's not that uncommon so don't go beating yourself up about it!

 

Have you considered therapy? It's nothing to be ashamed of and if you have the means then it can get you pointed in the right direction. I can't remember where I saw this, it may have been here but it stuck with me:

 

Don't fall in love because you are lonely, fall in love when you are ready.

 

You need to work on YOU! Get active, do things, meet people, get out there and live life. Find out why you NEED to not be lonely, being alone is not the same as being lonely. Try to find ways to enjoy your own company while balancing that with spending time with people. Friends, family, heck you can even practice on strangers by just saying "Hi"

 

You can do it. :D

darkmoon Established Member

darkmoon

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you are only alone til you go out places and get chatting a lot of ppl are lonely too and happy to have a chat which can lead to closer bonds

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nanbullen Established Member

nanbullen

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I am vulnerable to unhealthy relationships. I know I get into relationships with unavailable men. i am afraid of being hurt or rejected, so I have no close friends, and unable to make close friends because I am afraid to make myself vulnerable, and then lose that person either by death or them leaving me.

 

So, I pick men that, subconsciously, I think, will never hurt me because deep down I never really love them. But it doesn’t work, because it’s just a bad coping mechanism.

 

I can’t make friends, because I don’t think there’s anything about me to like. And since I have this fear of rejection by people that I LIKE, I can never open up and have anything more than a superficial friendship. I am almost paralyzed with self-consciousness around people. I never initiate conversations! Why would anybody want to talk to me? And it comes off like I am cold, standoffish, stuck up, u name it.

 

I would be in therapy if I could afford it. I know I have this fear of abandonment, or a fear of loss, that is so bad I can’t even allow myself to accept the death of my own brother and CRY for him (for 20 years no less), because he left me. I think I keep myself in denial and have spent my life bottling up my feelings and trying to appear strong and in control. And now that my mother is dying, my defense mechanisms are completely haywire. And I just can’t keep a lid on them anymore.

 

I just don’t think anybody can help me. Maybe a therapist that I can’t afford. I’ve taken different combinations of antidepressants and antipsychotics, and I’m still taking them. But I don’t know how to get any relief from the way I feel.

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nanbullen Established Member

nanbullen

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Could somebody please explain to me how to quote other people in my posts, I’m a computer idiot.

 

Greenlight, I know exactly what you mean, I have never been in a healthy relationship either, and I’m in my late 30’s. I feel like I wasted the best years of my life on losers and being unhappy. When I read posts here by somebody who’s in their early 20’s, I think this person will get themselves together and fall in love….they are still so young, they are so lucky to realize what’s wrong with them NOW, and have time to fix it. I’m not trying to minimize their pain at all! I just wish I got my head together a long time ago.

 

I am a cautionary tale...

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

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you mean just quote, or multi-quote lots of people?

SilverBlueAndGold Established Member

SilverBlueAndGold

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I can’t make friends, because I don’t think there’s anything about me to like.

 

2X4 incoming....

 

You need to stop that thinking. Right now! Really, work on that. As long as you truly believe there is nothing about you to like how can you expect anyone else to like you?

 

Work on you.

 

And since I have this fear of rejection by people that I LIKE, I can never open up and have anything more than a superficial friendship. I am almost paralyzed with self-consciousness around people. I never initiate conversations! Why would anybody want to talk to me? And it comes off like I am cold, standoffish, stuck up, u name it.

 

It's good that you recognize this. Now, what are you going to do about it? ;)

 

Initiate conversations. Get out of your comfort zone. Most people will respond if you initiate, try it and see. You seem to be operating under the assumption that most people are cruel or can't be bothered. Sure, there are some out there. But don't let that be the rule. We live in a world of abundance! There are so many people out there...

Green Light Established Member

Green Light

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You seem to be operating under the assumption that most people are cruel or can't be bothered.

 

That's been my experience. When you reach middle age most people are VERY busy with their families and work. Even the few friends I used to have are now so distant because their WHOLE lives are family and work. I find that people think you are creepy if you go out and try to start a new friendship when you are middle-aged. Of course that could be all in my mind though but people don't seem all that welcoming in my area.

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nanbullen Established Member

nanbullen

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Tara- I want to be able to quote one person, like everybody in this thread.

 

SilverBlue, I don’t expect anybody else to like me! I will try to initiate conversations, but I don’t know how to keep them going. I have tried to work on this, I read dale Carnegie and all that, but it does not compute.

 

Green Light , thank u for saying what I am unable to put into words. I can’t make new friends, I have 2-3 friends from high school, all of which live across the country and have their own lives. At my age, people are pretty set in their social circle, as opposed to college age. Or that’s been my experience as well. I don’t think people are cruel, but I do think they can’t be bothered, especially since there’s nothing about me that is particularly likeable or draws people in.

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nanbullen Established Member

nanbullen

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Bewitched - What am i missing here? How do people learn to love themselves? i need a manual. Do I look in the mirror and tell myself i'm likable? Do i make a list of my good qualities? i already do all that stuff like get my nails, hair, go to gym etc. I don't think i'm physically unattractive, i think if anything, that's all i have to attract these losers to me. But i'm not kidding myself, i'm ugly on the inside. or if not ugly, empty.

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

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OK:

nanbullen:

when you want to quote a poster, just click on the 'quote' button in the bottom left of their post.

a message box will come up, containing their post.

Start with that...

 

then we'll move on to breaking their post up into manageable separate chunks....

 

...and after that, "multi-quoting" - that is, several peoples' posts in one message box.....

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nanbullen Established Member

nanbullen

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OK:

nanbullen:

when you want to quote a poster, just click on the 'quote' button in the bottom left of their post.

a message box will come up, containing their post.

Start with that...

 

then we'll move on to breaking their post up into manageable separate chunks....

 

...and after that, "multi-quoting" - that is, several peoples' posts in one message box.....

 

Thank you! I have always wondered how people do this....thank you! thank you!

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

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When you feel like moving onto parts #2 & #3 - let me know!

 

If it's any consolation. I also had to ask the same when i began posting - and i'm just about the worst technical fudgewit you could ever meet!:p

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nanbullen Established Member

nanbullen

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When you feel like moving onto parts #2 & #3 - let me know!

 

Is this how u break it up, just delete what you don't want? Wow, i feel like a computer wiz!

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

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Is this how u break it up,

 

yes but you can....

 

just delete what you don't want?

 

also break a post up to.....

 

Wow, i feel like a computer wiz!

 

answer individual comments!

SilverBlueAndGold Established Member

SilverBlueAndGold

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SilverBlue, I don’t expect anybody else to like me! I will try to initiate conversations, but I don’t know how to keep them going. I have tried to work on this, I read dale Carnegie and all that, but it does not compute.

.

 

I don't believe you. :) I think just about all people want to be liked at some level. But don't worry about keeping conversations going, in fact other people may not always know what to say either. But that's not your fault...I really get where you are coming from because I have struggled with that as well, but for me it was work related. I used to get almost paralyzed if I didnt know answers to questions before somebody asked them.

 

A coworker pointed this out to me and helped me learn to just relax, nobody has the answer to everything and if you try to live life that way you will just be miserable. And i was.

 

Over time, with practice by forcing myself to get into situations where I knew I didnt have all the answers I realized that I could still function. And I realized that people would not crucify me if I didn't have all the answers :)

 

Practice :love: I do it all the time now with people, especially since my breakup. I was so used to being with one person that I let me social skills with others deteriorate, now I am Mr. Talks a Lot and nobody gets by me without at least a smile and usually a comment.

 

It really does get easier with practice and you will realize that most people, if engaged, will be glad to talk.

 

The few that don't, meh, forget em and move on :)

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