singlelife Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 I hear people taalking about it and was wondering does it work. Sounds like a lot of fun but risky.
Million.to.1 Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 Short answer, NO. Even in long term open marriages that i know of, this was always the desire of 1 partner and the other allowed it even though it made them unhappy. It would be quite hard to maintain without someone getting hurt. Being intimate forms attachments, whether you want it to or not, and more than 2 people existing in intimate exchanges is always going to bring about jealousy and resentments, and ultimately someone is getting hurt somewhere.
CarrieT Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 Failed for me. I was young (early 20s) and married and my husband and I decided to have an open relationship. The rules were to be completely above board and honest about it; I would tell him who I was with and when I would be home, sometimes we would go to swinging parties together, sometimes we would have threesomes and foursomes... It fell apart when I came home early from work and found him having sex with another man - something NOT in the agreement and something he was hiding from me. Because of it, I backlashed and began to have feelings for someone I was having sex with and that backfired in my face. I know it works for some people, but those folks are a very, very rare breed. I know two couples who have a foursome marriage and they have been together for almost 15 years that way. Go figure.
Jane2011 Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 (edited) I've been watching this movie that's streaming on Netflix (Indecent Proposal, circa 1993). It's not about an open relationship, but it's kind of related because this married couple agrees to let the wife have sex with a billionaire guy for one night in exchange for a million dollars (they want to set themselves up financially; that's the reason they do it). But her being intimate with another man kinda messes with their minds afterwards, brings up insecurities and trust issues, etc. They weren't expecting these things... I'll tell you what the deal is with me. I dated a guy in November and December who was "trying" an open relationship with his girlfriend of two years. They had only just started "trying" it two months before I met him, and I was/am the only person who has entered the picture for either of them, even now. I got out of it and stayed away for three months, and in that time, they went back to just being alone with each other. It wasn't that they were closing the relationship back up permanently (she considers herself, at heart, polyamorous), just the course of action after I left the situation. Well, I recently got back in touch with him because I wanted to try it again, but now the girlfriend doesn't feel comfortable about it. She feels jealousy toward me, something she didn't think she was going to feel. I guess...my point is. The guy is loyal to his girlfriend; he cares about her feelings and isn't going to do anything she doesn't want to do. But I have reason to believe, because he and I talk, and I have seen him in person and he was all over me (without kissing or doing anything serious, just holding, but holding in an "I want you" way), that he's fantasizing about me and the sex we had when we were together. Like someone above said, being physically intimate creates attachments and bonds. He'll go on loving his girlfriend, but he developed feelings for me, too, and they're not gone even after three months. Mine for him aren't gone either. So...yeah, it'll taint the sanctity of a relationship. Now the girlfriend knows that her man can want another woman a lot.... Plus, now I'm like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. (kidding...but yeah, it's a little like that...'cause I still want the guy but it's like he's married). Edited April 26, 2012 by Jane2011
DuchessKaye Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 I hear people taalking about it and was wondering does it work. Sounds like a lot of fun but risky. It doesn't...
TaraMaiden Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 Hearing people talk about it is often the most they do, because already there's doubt. Those who do carry through - find out why the doubt existed. Don't even go there.
mostlyclueless Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 It works all the time; most people choose not to be public about it. 1
jobaba Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 It works if neither of the parties can get another person.
John Bigboote Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 Short answer, NO. Hearing people talk about it is often the most they do, because already there's doubt. Those who do carry through - find out why the doubt existed. Rarely, if ever. You're saying they don't because you don't believe they can or should, given your model of how relationships are supposed to work. None of you really know what you're talking about; you haven't actually examined the evidence. No one who has ever visited an actual swingers club could possibly deny the evidence of couples who have been swinging for decades without any trouble. Same goes for those of you claiming it can't work because the examples you know about didn't work. When a monogamous relationship fails, no one ever blames monogamy. If you counted all the monogamous relationships you know of that crashed and burned due to insecurity and jealousy issues and set monogamy to the same standard, you'd be warning people to stay far away from it. People in working open relationships tend to be very discreet about it for reasons you have all made obvious. So you don't see them. 2
Jane2011 Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 I think that, as usual, people think whatever they do is the "right" way. I'm not saying I'm any different (in general, about a variety of things). But...I'm glad I'm truly open to both ways now. Polyamory and monogamy. I just feel liberated from dogma.
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