monkey00 Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 So I've been going on dates and meeting people for the past few months. I've been meeting and contacting these women from online. Either I meet women I'm interested in, but they aren't in me. Or I meet women that are interested in me, but I'm not in them. Or it might be mutual on the first or second date, but afterwards I just get bored quickly. If things don't work out, half the time I just wind up being friends with girls, and I appreciate that casual/laid-back kind of relationship. It also seems like a lot of work for me these days to maintain something long-term. I'm often tired after work, or don't really feel like doing much on weekends. Most of my friends are in relationships, and I don't really hangout or talk to them much these days. I still hang out with my single friends every now and then. I wonder if I have a problem maintaining relationships with people these days because it seems like a lot of work. Since my ex moved out last summer, I've had my apartment to myself and I realized I REALLY LIKE my personal space. I don't like spending long periods of time with people...and get annoyed sometimes if I do (rarely if with friends). I hope I'm not becoming a commitment phobe. All these dates have been feeling kind of meaningless. And I don't think I've felt any chemistry with most of the women I've met to be honest. I'm not sure if I'm in a rut, or if I should just step back from this for awhile. One girl I was dating for awhile asked if I was depressed, I told her I wasn't and that I'm usually tired. But I wonder if I am now?
amantis Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 You answered to your own question . " Either I meet women I'm interested in, but they aren't in me. Or I meet women that are interested in me, but I'm not in them. "
Emilia Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 I wonder if I have a problem maintaining relationships with people these days because it seems like a lot of work. Since my ex moved out last summer, I've had my apartment to myself and I realized I REALLY LIKE my personal space. I don't like spending long periods of time with people...and get annoyed sometimes if I do (rarely if with friends). I hope I'm not becoming a commitment phobe. All these dates have been feeling kind of meaningless. And I don't think I've felt any chemistry with most of the women I've met to be honest. I'm not sure if I'm in a rut, or if I should just step back from this for awhile. One girl I was dating for awhile asked if I was depressed, I told her I wasn't and that I'm usually tired. But I wonder if I am now? I went through phases like this in my life. That's all it is, a phase. You don't HAVE to be in a relationship, they can be hard work yes, even with the right person (and who the right person is varies at what stage you are at in your life in my opinion). Out of interest, are you searching for something at the moment? Something that's not dating related? Is something distracting you like career-development or wanting to change your lifestyle? 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 (edited) I can pretty much relate. I am just riding it out and not forcing dating at all. Edited April 26, 2012 by Eternal Sunshine
amantis Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 After i got the divorce , it was difficult to me to understand if i wanted to date or not . After being in a long relationship was difficult to know the difference between date someone and enjoy day by day or date someone thinking if it was going to be a long term relationship ... i was stressing alot , i just had time for myself and now i know what im looking for . Enjoy being single , i can tell you that you are going to feel when you are ready to date again .
LZ2000 Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 Dating feels meaningless if you're doing it by a "blind date" or "random insignificant member of the opposite sex". I think you just haven't met that special compatible someone yet after your breakup last summer.
Author monkey00 Posted April 26, 2012 Author Posted April 26, 2012 (edited) Dating feels meaningless if you're doing it by a "blind date" or "random insignificant member of the opposite sex". I think you just haven't met that special compatible someone yet after your breakup last summer. Yeah I'm kind of starting to hate Online dating, it seems to be a hit or miss almost every time. Dating is a numbers game, and it always will be. My friends who are still single are on it, and they complain about the dates they go on. Maybe it's just a flawed system of meeting people? I went through phases like this in my life. That's all it is, a phase. You don't HAVE to be in a relationship, they can be hard work yes, even with the right person (and who the right person is varies at what stage you are at in your life in my opinion). Out of interest, are you searching for something at the moment? Something that's not dating related? Is something distracting you like career-development or wanting to change your lifestyle? Funny you ask that. It might have something to do with it. I've been at my job for a few years and some days I've weary of it, and other days going into work are okay. Professionally speaking there isn't room for growth honestly. I've wondered about quitting my job, or starting a business or making a career shift...but have been hesitant to do anything about it. I have a mortgage to pay, so that's been one of my primary concerns (or excuses). Enjoy being single , i can tell you that you are going to feel when you are ready to date again . Honestly though it's a lot easier to be single than being in a relationship right now. And I am kind of enjoying it. I can be selfish and only worry about myself and don't have to devote myself to someone else's interests/activities that I may dislike. My longest relationship has been less than 2 years...I wonder if that says something about me. I also don't know if I have faith in women anymore. E.G: the ones that are interested in me, I don't know or can't feel out if they are genuinely interested or if they want to be in a relationship for the sake of a relationship (that they don't want to be single or lonely). That makes me doubt the attraction and them as a possible mate too. The above kind of echoes back to my ex. Since the break up, I've wondered if she was genuinely attracted to me (loved me, don't think she did), or was looking for someone to take care of her financially and just wanted to be in a relationship out of loneliness. I've always felt it's been more of the latter. Edited April 26, 2012 by monkey00
LZ2000 Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 Yeah I'm kind of starting to hate Online dating, it seems to be a hit or miss almost every time. Dating is a numbers game, and it always will be. My friends who are still single are on it, and they complain about the dates they go on. Maybe it's just a flawed system of meeting people? To be honest, I met my ex-girlfriend when the both of us met each other during some leisurely activities we both liked and participated in. We really appreciated each others company and enjoyed our time together, we were also kind of alike in some ways. So I guess, maybe that kinds of gives you a hint of what you could do to look around more effectively for a meaningful date ??
persevere Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 Your post fits my feelings exactly. I, too, have been online dating for months since I broke up with my last gf. I'm flat burnt out. Too many flakes. Too many let downs. I go on a date, feel there's a connection, only to have them play games or ignore me. It gets to where it's bad for self esteem. I could speculate all day, the dynamics of online dating. The simple fact is, there's a lot of dreamers looking for absolute perfection. It's too easy to dream about the next profile that pops up, disregarding the one right in front of your face. I have noticed, in the past, when I wasn't looking life seems happier. You don't have the rejection and stress from dating. I think backing off and doing your own thing is key. It somehow makes one more attractive to others anyway.
LZ2000 Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 Your post fits my feelings exactly. I, too, have been online dating for months since I broke up with my last gf. I'm flat burnt out. Too many flakes. Too many let downs. I go on a date, feel there's a connection, only to have them play games or ignore me. It gets to where it's bad for self esteem. I could speculate all day, the dynamics of online dating. The simple fact is, there's a lot of dreamers looking for absolute perfection. It's too easy to dream about the next profile that pops up, disregarding the one right in front of your face. I have noticed, in the past, when I wasn't looking life seems happier. You don't have the rejection and stress from dating. I think backing off and doing your own thing is key. It somehow makes one more attractive to others anyway. Exactly, I felt the same way about myself when I was a few weeks into being single again. That was when I kind of learnt that the only thing that could make me truly happy is me and my readjustment of my perspectives. When one takes control of his/her life, they can be the absolute certainty of their own happiness.
persevere Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 (edited) Yeah I'm kind of starting to hate Online dating, it seems to be a hit or miss almost every time... ...I also don't know if I have faith in women anymore. E.G: the ones that are interested in me, I don't know or can't feel out if they are genuinely interested or if they want to be in a relationship for the sake of a relationship (that they don't want to be single or lonely). That makes me doubt the attraction and them as a possible mate too. This is the dark side of online dating. You start to lose trust in the whole dating process. Too little return on efforts creates viscious cycle of negativity. Women undoubtadly pick up on this.. I know I even get to the point of treating it half azz. Afterall, the last 5 gals I went out with flaked. So this one will too? Again, backing off and approaching from a different angle is key, imho. Edited April 26, 2012 by persevere
amantis Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 My english isnt the best so im going to try to explain what i was thinking yesterday about online dating . The thing about online dating and the experience im having is that you really need to be lucky to meet someone special . 6 years ago i met my ex wife in a website ( similar to facebook , it was called hi5 if im not wrong , and i had a pic there and she added me and we start talking ) Then i moved to Australia to be with her and we got married for 6 years ( now divorced ) Now that i think about that , i dont understand how i did something like that ... im happy that i did , but still . What i was thinking is that alot of girls i see online and dont want to make contact with me , are the same that are attracted to me in "real life" In "real life" they cant make the same decisions that they do in online dating . In online dating they can choose who they want to speak ,and go on dates , but we man cant ... we think that we can but we cant . When they look at your profile , if they see 1 thing that they dont like they go to the next guy ... in "real life" if i go to a bar and i start talking to one of them and they hear my spanish accent , you can tell them that you are not working , or you are having problems with the ex , or whatever ... they cant make the decision to stop talking with you .. they give you the number and we are the ones making the decisions . Im not saying that all the girls are like that , but most are Im talking about my experience , and online dating can be a mess for us guys , but dont put together online dating = meeting someone in real life . You can have luck and find someone special , but that doesnt happen to everyone , so take your time , dont put too much time on online dating ... theres nothing like going to a beach and start talking to a girl and asking her for a coffee .
Emilia Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 Funny you ask that. It might have something to do with it. I've been at my job for a few years and some days I've weary of it, and other days going into work are okay. Professionally speaking there isn't room for growth honestly. I've wondered about quitting my job, or starting a business or making a career shift...but have been hesitant to do anything about it. I have a mortgage to pay, so that's been one of my primary concerns (or excuses). Sounds like you have a few things going on, maybe this is big enough of an issue for it to be life-changing? I rented out my flat to tenants to pay for the mortgage and went away for the best part of 3 years. It completely changed my mindset over certain things. The best thing I have ever done. Sometimes you have to break those eggs to make the proverbial omlett - but only as responsibly as you possibly can. Maybe start a business on the side? It takes a while for it to pick up anyway.
mesmerized Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 I absolutely relate. Dating, specially online dating is extremely meaningless. In fact, I'm slowly losing desire in men because of it.
Author monkey00 Posted April 26, 2012 Author Posted April 26, 2012 This is the dark side of online dating. You start to lose trust in the whole dating process. Too little return on efforts creates viscious cycle of negativity. Women undoubtadly pick up on this.. I know I even get to the point of treating it half azz. Afterall, the last 5 gals I went out with flaked. So this one will too? Again, backing off and approaching from a different angle is key, imho. Yea it really is the dark side. I've had some pick up on this and sensed that I was jaded or Luke warm about them. I used to call and be pretty genuine when I first started dating again. These days I don't care enough and just text, since it seems everyone responds to that easily. I've had too much disappointments. My ex lied about her finances and a girl I went out with a couple times (who messaged me first) had lied about her weight online... All these lies just leave a bad taste in my mouth.
Author monkey00 Posted April 26, 2012 Author Posted April 26, 2012 Sounds like you have a few things going on, maybe this is big enough of an issue for it to be life-changing? I rented out my flat to tenants to pay for the mortgage and went away for the best part of 3 years. It completely changed my mindset over certain things. The best thing I have ever done. Yeah I figured if I didn't sell at least I could be a landlord if I didn't have a stable job. Sometimes you have to break those eggs to make the proverbial omlett - but only as responsibly as you possibly can. Maybe start a business on the side? It takes a while for it to pick up anyway. Most startups fail within their first year. And the kind that I'd want to start is either a cafe or a bar. Both of which require a big loan from the bank... Stacked on top of my mortgage loan. No but you make a good point about the proverbial egg... I just need to figure out my next step in life, maybe go back to school, etc
truth_seeker Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 (edited) For me it's becoming harder to date as there are so many options and people to sift through. OLD has made me jaded. It's just such an exhausting process trying to get to know someone, then you got your flakes, which is what is the real cause of all of this. There are too many people out there stuck in a fantasy. They're expecting their ideal mate to walk right up to them. I know I have my standards, but as hot as a woman can be, if I don't feel I can trust her, it won't work. I can understand girls being skiddish at first and lying a bit to save face and protect their image, but when lying becomes a natural habit as you continue to get to know the person, and to cover up initial lies, that's when I think all women are like this and abandon dating altogether. I met a girl who lied to me about some minor things when we first met, which was okay because she didn't really know me, and I thought maybe she was burned in the past. What got me upset was that the lying continued as I got to know her because she had to cover up the lies she told me in the beginning, as to not look dumb that she lied. It got to the point that I felt she was so insecure to not admit the truth that I bailed. Was I ever going to meet the real girl? She wonders why she's on OLD sites and can't meet the right guy. Edited April 26, 2012 by truth_seeker
Andy_K Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 I met a girl who lied to me about some minor things when we first met, which was okay because she didn't really know me, and I thought maybe she was burned in the past. What got me upset was that the lying continued as I got to know her because she had to cover up the lies she told me in the beginning, as to not look dumb that she lied. It got to the point that I felt she was so insecure to not admit the truth that I bailed. Was I ever going to meet the real girl? She wonders why she's on OLD sites and can't meet the right guy. I'm curious, did you talk to her about this, tell her about the lies you knew about and suggest a clean sheet? Or just bail? A lot of people have insecurities that are pretty easy to deal with if they feel like they can trust you and not be judged.
truth_seeker Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 I'm curious, did you talk to her about this, tell her about the lies you knew about and suggest a clean sheet? Or just bail? A lot of people have insecurities that are pretty easy to deal with if they feel like they can trust you and not be judged. I tried to but I might have come off as accusatory rather than understanding. I pointed out her stories and I did this not to embarrass her but to let her know that I knew she was lying, but I was willing to overlook it as long as she was straight with me from that point on. Some of these girls are so damaged that they revert back to their old habits. There was a good person there, but good enough to risk myself getting hurt in the long run?
Emilia Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 I tried to but I might have come off as accusatory rather than understanding. I pointed out her stories and I did this not to embarrass her but to let her know that I knew she was lying, but I was willing to overlook it as long as she was straight with me from that point on. I don't know what the issue was but the way I deal with things like this is that I make clear to the person that certain things are not a problem. I don't point out their cover-up attempts, I just explain that what they feel insecure about is not an issue for me.
persevere Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 (edited) I'll be stopping OLD. I'm joining a gym. Gonna get some sharp clothes and try, if at all, the old fashioned way. Hang out with friends, or even go it alone. Even if it means going to bars and joining a church. At least then, women can see directly who I am. Hopefully that'll work. Insanity is trying the same thing over and over again, while expecting a different result. Thats OLD, at least for me. Edited April 26, 2012 by persevere
truth_seeker Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 I don't know what the issue was but the way I deal with things like this is that I make clear to the person that certain things are not a problem. I don't point out their cover-up attempts, I just explain that what they feel insecure about is not an issue for me. It was probably not a good idea to point out the cover-up attempts. Most likely embarrassed her. I should have done a better job in explaining myself.
truth_seeker Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 I'll be stopping OLD. I'm joining a gym. Gonna get some sharp clothes and try, if at all, the old fashioned way. Hang out with friends, or even go it alone. Even if it means going to bars and joining a church. At least then, women can see directly who I am. Hopefully that'll work. Insanity is trying the same thing over and over again, while expecting a different result. Thats OLD, at least for me. Same for me. I can remember the last several women I've seen on OLD are not the same in person looks wise. One girl looked great in her photo, wearing a black dress. In person she looked like one more calorie away from exploding out of her clothes. Pictures can tell a different story. You really have to see someone in person and have that spark.
Author monkey00 Posted April 26, 2012 Author Posted April 26, 2012 I'll be stopping OLD. I'm joining a gym. Gonna get some sharp clothes and try, if at all, the old fashioned way. Hang out with friends, or even go it alone. Even if it means going to bars and joining a church. At least then, women can see directly who I am. Hopefully that'll work. Insanity is trying the same thing over and over again, while expecting a different result. Thats OLD, at least for me. Good luck with that. I've tried the bar route. Most women there are not looking to meet guys and are with their girlfriends having fun. I don't know where you live but I've had a pretty rough time in that scene. In this day and age it's been easier for me to meet women from OLD than real life. Though I agree it is insanity. Hope you have better luck the old fashioned way than I do.
lso802 Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 Maybe you're going out on too many dates or arranging dates that you don't enjoy? I usually arrange a date at venues I would go to anyway without one, i.e. festival, play, movie, etc.... I go out on dates every 3 weeks or so. Sometimes I feel drained, and stretch the time out more.
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