Can Sex Ruin Relationships?

[Leigh 87]

In an otherwise great relationship, are sexual issues enough to break you up? I mean, I know it IS, but to what extent can you resolve things? When should you walk away? I think my relationship should be fine, seeing as he really, really stresses and constantly tells me he wants to work through our issues, and has no intention of giving up, as he thinks things can be fixed.

Has anyone here been totally happy in their relationship; where both people have thought you were great together and wanted it to work out long term, but to have issues in the bedroom, that broke up your otherwise awesome relationship?

My boyfriend and I are so happy and see a great future together, however:

 

Bad Things We both Want to Resolve:

- I need a guy to get me off through oral twice a week, on average, to feel totally in love and content...

- he has started his first full time job, it is very hectic, he works from early until late, and drvives heavy trucks and therefore needs his rest to prevent crashing and death. Sex and foreplay and that sort of thing is out a lot of nights.

- I have yet to make him orgasm through head jobs

- I rarely make him orgasm through hand jobs anymore

- THere is not enough passion for me, in terms of touching in bed; he does not just kiss my neck, move down and kiss and suck my nipples, and then go down on me.

Instead, it is very clinical laterly since his new job; he waits until bed time, where I ask if he can go down on me. He does it, but there is not always nipple sucking or that sort of thing enough for me.

 

The Good Things About Our Sex Life:

- sex gets better and better the longer we spend together and the closer we become

- I am in love with him enough to make HIM orgasm, on the nights where he literally comes home from work, eats dinner, and needs to sleep; sex wakes him up, and I agree and enjoy getting HIM off, because it makes his day better, it is something really nice I can do for him, to make his job more bearable and mundane life in general more pleasant for him ( to have that at the end of the day to enjoy, even though he has no time to make me orgasm.

 

-he also sais he wants to start doing the same for me. Genuinely, he says he means it. He is selfish my nature a bit, though, explaining why he has not done it yet to me?

- he orgasms through sex

- I enjoy giving him head when I do it very much...

- he loves going down on me when he gets time to do it.

- he says he does feel very passionately about me, sexually and otherwise; he says he loves to kiss my nipples and do all of those things to me a lot.

- he says he also wants to go down on me more often, without me asking him, to initiate passion with me.

 

He tells me he is more passionate about me than any other girl he has been with but his lack of actions laterly, is making me feel like we are best friends, rather than two people who are hyper passionate sexually.

I want to know if it is just him, or if it is the WOMEN he is with.

He assures me, he is just HIMSELF, and it is not anything to do with his love for me, that makes him not passionate in bed.

 

I keep asking him and wondering over and over, if with the right women, he would be extra passionate and do all the things he says he WANTS to do with me; or, if he is passionate about me and I AM a great love for him, and just work and time constraints and his selfish nature is to blame

 

 

He badly wants to make us work, it is no effort besides my desires in the bedroom not being fulfilled. We seamlessly get along and have no arguments, besides the sexual stuff. He would love me to give him more and better head jobs, the way he has learnt to love going down on me until I orgasm; however, he does not complain, where as I TELL him " look, enough is enough, we need to fix this, or I will not feel desired and like your passionate about me sexually, due to the lack of frequency of your advances and efforrt u put in"

He thinks we have such a great relationship and we are great together and we should work on the sexual things, because he genuinely says he does want to please me more, and he IS truly passionate about me, sexually.

 

 

 

 

 

What do you think? Could it be my lack of self esteem about my body, and the genuine time constraints with his work, his tiredness, and his natural lazyness in general, mean that he IS indeed passionate about me and WANTS to do those passionate things I mentioned in bed: OR, perhaps I am on to something? I cannot feel the passion from him, because while he loves me and my companionship, he does not have true chemistry towards me? He says he DOES, but he is immature in some ways and not self aware, I suspect.

Edited April 26, 2012 by Leigh 87

[joystickd]

Just sit on his face damn!!! He gets his rest and you get your two or more times a week eating. Once and a while 69 Problem solved:D

[Leigh 87]

Oh, we LOVE 69's!!!

 

Except, It is rather hard for me to suck him properly, in that position? So I tough him and make him feel good, which adds a more fun dimension to him just getting between my legs. I really love our version of a 69 haha.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Yes, sex issues are certainly capable of tanking an otherwise good relationship.

 

But in your case, Leigh, it won't be the sex issues themselves; it will be your obsessive, detail oriented worrying and picking and analyzing about it all. I am surprised that your relationship has survived thus far. It is amazing to me. You subject it to way too much scrutiny. Aaargh.

 

Microscopic picking apart is certainly not fertile ground for sexuality to flourish in.

 

I think you really, desperately need to focus your mental energy on things that have NOTHING TO DO with oral sex, your "vagina," the hair, or lack of hair on or around your "vagina," threesomes, your boyfriends first love, and how your boyfriend would act if he were with the hottest goddess on the planet.

 

I mean all that stuff could be BANISHED from your thoughts for a while, and you could just live your life and see where your relationship is and where it goes.

 

That would be good.

[reallyhotguy]

I think its rare for a "sex" issue, or any issue, to be a cause in itself. Sometimes a fight is really about how you forgot the cilantro, but isn't it really about how you haven't been very attentive to your partner lately? Or a buildup of many small issues, which is itself caused by poor communication?

 

Sex in particular is more of a barometer than a source of issues in itself, because it is a performed expression of the feelings in the relationship. Sex is also so intense and intimate that friction tends to reveal itself (you have to work to hide when you're naked and literally connecting body parts). Though again, sometimes it really is about the cilantro. Sex is a skill and a collaboration and it does require effort -- but it's worth it, no?

[CarrieT]

But in your case, Leigh, it won't be the sex issues themselves; it will be your obsessive, detail oriented worrying and picking and analyzing about it all. I am surprised that your relationship has survived thus far. It is amazing to me. You subject it to way too much scrutiny. Aaargh.

/\ THIS! /\

 

I think you really, desperately need to focus your mental energy on things that have NOTHING TO DO with oral sex, your "vagina," the hair, or lack of hair on or around your "vagina," threesomes, your boyfriends first love, and how your boyfriend would act if he were with the hottest goddess on the planet.

/\ AND THIS! /\

 

 

I am going to add - as I have said in PMs - that you should really shelve being in a relationship for while. You are way too young to be trying to have a monogamous relationship when you are this obsessed with sex.

 

Just go out and experiment like you obviously want to do instead of trying to make this relationship into something which exists as a figment in your head.

 

When you become 100% confident in yourself and your body, all the other issues you obsess about will become minutiae.

[Leigh 87]

CC - your right, I should not think about analyzing such things. I am working on that, and do have a lot to think about, and do think about more things besides my relationship issues.

I will continue doing so and think about details ofmy relationship less.

 

Why has it surprises you, though? We are both in love and too invested to throw it all in, I happen to have a guy who is rare, in that he wanted it to work enough to deal with my myriad of issues.

Besides the sex, we actually have no issues or things that bring us down. We give each other energy and feel more free togeher, if anything; far from bogged down with issues.

 

 

 

Carrit T - but we are in love and heavily invested, too much so to walk away. We would be very unhappy just walking away, from a very loving relationship.

 

I do not want other dudes. I just do not think monogomy is natural or optimal for some men. Regardless of how much they love their women.

Some men want more varity, in sex, than the same women for the rest of their lives.

I would like my boyfriend to be able to explore that, in 3 somes one day. Not now, though, until I am totally confident within myself, and outwardly with my body.

 

 

 

really - walking away from a loving relationship that makes us happier far more than it brings us down, is... I mean wtf?

 

Just walk away from a guy you love a lot ? When you would both remain in love and want to be together constantly, and want a future together?

 

 

Why get over one another, when we think we are well suited?

[Leigh 87]

I might add - I am the one who suggests breaking up and having time apart over the sex issue.

He gets very upset and annoyed at this suggestion, as he sees these as tiny issues we can resolve, in the grand scheme of things.

 

LIke Carrie T mentioned - he thinks what we have, makes such sexual issues tiny, seeing as we are other wise totally happy and see a long future together. Of course, we never know what is around the corner, but we are too happy together to not at least take the risk every couple takes; invest your love further, at the risk you will grow apart one day.

 

Now people have given some imput, I can see how the sexual things are not a problem - seeing as it is just one part of out relationship and dynamic: we are otherwise constantly having fun together: and he has said and stressed that he really wants to resolve these issues, that they are NOT a problem to him ( he feels they are easily solved).

 

I guess I am going to just enjoy our time together, as we never know whaty the future holds... stay away from 3 somes and such for the near future and focus on being close, rather than the sexual things.

As he says " the sexual things will happen, I WILL do the things you need me to do, I WANT to do them to you leigh any way"

 

I will just wait and see, enjoy our time, and not focus on if he would be mroe passionate with a different girl blablabla

[CarrieT]

I might add - I am the one who suggests breaking up and having time apart over the sex issue.

He gets very upset and annoyed at this suggestion, as he sees these as tiny issues we can resolve, in the grand scheme of things.

 

Truthfully, if I were your boyfriend and I was continually subjected to your insecurities, rants, and questions about our sexuality, I would break up with you.

 

I can see why he gets very upset and annoyed - he is constantly having to prove that he is attracted to you because of your insecurities.

 

I can see he may reach a point where if you suggest breaking up again, he will take you up on it because you are a broken record...

[Leigh 87]

Truthfully, if I were your boyfriend and I was continually subjected to your insecurities, rants, and questions about our sexuality, I would break up with you.

 

I can see why he gets very upset and annoyed - he is constantly having to prove that he is attracted to you because of your insecurities.

 

I can see he may reach a point where if you suggest breaking up again, he will take you up on it because you are a broken record...

 

 

 

 

Thanks. Honestly, sometimes people cannot see what they are doing wrong. To me I just thought " oh, if you were THAT into me, you would initiate lots of passionate sex etc etc......."

 

He is with me, obviously, because I am also a lovely person, who likes to look after him, and is crazy and interesting to him, and a person who is loves to spend his time with, as a partner in all the things he enjoys doing.

That said, VERY FEW guys would have put up with the bad parts of me.

 

I should NOT have started to date when I met him! Absolutely, that is correct.. I KNEW that. I was out to have casual fun every now and again, on a dating website, because I was sexless and love sex. I am good at seperating sex and emotions, and have always done well with fwb or casual dating, despite my insecurities, for some reason.

The thing is; we got attached. When I should have been ALONE, he is a rare man who decided he wanted to help me.

He said he could see I was a nice person, and wanted to help me change my social ineptness, and other traits that I suffered from, on account of being socially isolated.

 

I realize I should never have started a relationship, so the least I could do NOW, is back down from relationship talk or thinking. after all - I am so happy, I feel so much joy and true happiness being around him, just walking next to him and being with him.

So, from now on, I will read peoples funny relaitonship dramas, but I will no longer be participating in the relationship threads. Not even commenting.

 

After being socially isolated and obsessed with weight and not much else, I realise I am a curious person, about everything about the world. I would really like to brush up and learn a lot about subjects like: war, current affairs, and I love science and geography and am an avid documentary watcher. They are our favourite thing to watch.

 

From now on, I will be posting in the current event section, acting questions and participating in more fulfilling matters.

 

Thanks for helping me realize that I really need to stop thinking about my relationship, and live my life in a more productive way. What happens will happen. As long as he treats me with respect and we are happy, I will just enjoy the ride, and realize it will be worth getting hurt if that should happen. Easily said, but after the grieving stage of a relationship, people do bounce back better than ever if they so choose.

 

 

So. Bye bye love and relationship section. I will read in here but just not participate. It is healthier for me to focus on more important things in the world around me.

[veggirl]

Aw Leigh. You need to relax, so so so badly.

 

I think that you get validation from sex. You really think WAY TOO MUCH about your sexual relationship with Andrew. Can't you just let it be? Just let it be what it is, naturally for a while. If you have sex, you have sex. If you don't, you don't. You can still sleep together and cuddle and be close...sex doesn't have to be the be all, end all for you. Obviously sex is important in a relationship, but the importance you place on sex is just not appropriate because you seem to believe he loves you and wants you and desires you based on your sex life. Sex needs to get out of the equation for a while.

 

I don't agree that you two need to break up necessarily. I really think you should remove sex from the equation for a bit, see what happens. If you are cuddling and kissing and it naturally progesses to sex, great, but don't ask for it, don't offer it up to improve his day. Just let it HAPPEN.

 

Mme C is right, I agree the scrutiny you put your relationship and sex life through is unnerving.

 

Let go of the expectations for a while. Just...see Andrew, hang out, relax, and see what happens. You worry too much.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Why has it surprises you, though? We are both in love and too invested to throw it all in, I happen to have a guy who is rare, in that he wanted it to work enough to deal with my myriad of issues.

 

What you don't seem to have a grasp on is the reality that all issues can't simply be "dealt with" or "fixed."

 

No matter how much love there is, a time comes when it's just too much.

 

You said a couple of weeks ago that you are going to start therapy. I think you've said this before … PLEASE do it. And you can talk about all of this there, to relieve your relationship from having to absorb all of it, and get some help with self control.

[USMCHokie]

Leigh, I make it a habit to only read as far as your thread titles.

 

Sexual incompatibility can be detrimental to relationships, but as RHG has said, that incompatibility is often not a cause, but an effect of a bigger problem.

 

But yes, for me personally, it'd be grounds for LAUNCH.

[TaraMaiden]

this shouldn't be this much hard work....

 

what do you think about when you have sex.....?

[Leigh 87]

Aw Leigh. You need to relax, so so so badly.

 

I think that you get validation from sex. You really think WAY TOO MUCH about your sexual relationship with Andrew. Can't you just let it be? Just let it be what it is, naturally for a while. If you have sex, you have sex. If you don't, you don't. You can still sleep together and cuddle and be close...sex doesn't have to be the be all, end all for you. Obviously sex is important in a relationship, but the importance you place on sex is just not appropriate because you seem to believe he loves you and wants you and desires you based on your sex life. Sex needs to get out of the equation for a while.

 

I don't agree that you two need to break up necessarily. I really think you should remove sex from the equation for a bit, see what happens. If you are cuddling and kissing and it naturally progesses to sex, great, but don't ask for it, don't offer it up to improve his day. Just let it HAPPEN.

 

Mme C is right, I agree the scrutiny you put your relationship and sex life through is unnerving.

 

Let go of the expectations for a while. Just...see Andrew, hang out, relax, and see what happens. You worry too much.

 

 

THIS ^^^^

 

 

yeha, I need to just enjoy myself around him and relax. The way I have done the past month or so, just feeling really really happy, happy to have a great companion; sex does happen, but it ruins it when I talk about it, and creates an unnecessaru cycle ( I talk about what I lack and need, he feeels bad and too much emphasis in on him pleasing me enough, rather than just let it happen naturally).

 

So yes. I will just enjoy my time with him, and see how it progresses sexually.

[HHC]

No one should NEED oral sex (with orgasm) twice a week to feel love and content.

 

To me that just sounds controlling. You're demanding behaviour of him based on what you want and making it mean more than it should.

 

Your relationships are highly dependant on sex and I would say this comes from insecurity. Take away the sex and what are you left with? A loveless relationship?

 

The biggest issue in my relationship is sex. It's the thing that causes the most tension. It will not break us, because I won't let it. I would rather go without sex than go without my husband. I would rather appreciate what I do have, than what I don't have.

 

I love my husband for more than just his penis. THAT'S why we will survive sexual incompatibility or sexual bumps in the road.

[CarrieT]

No one should NEED oral sex (with orgasm) twice a week to feel love and content.

To me that just sounds controlling. You're demanding behaviour of him based on what you want and making it mean more than it should.

 

Your relationships are highly dependant on sex and I would say this comes from insecurity. Take away the sex and what are you left with? A loveless relationship?

 

^^ This again. ^^

[Professor X]

Can Leigh 87 Ruin Relationships?

Yes, yes you can.

 

There, fixed it for ya.

[mesmerized]

Only if it's bad, yes it can.

[ThaWholigan]

Only if it's bad, yes it can.

This pretty much. Communication should iron out this issue though, unless there is a great chasm of incompatibility.

[irin]

i really hope one day you can be in loving relationship with peace in mind, no worries, carefree. and enjoying life, everytime i read one of you post i feel for you and your worries!