"There Is Nothing Wrong With You": For the Single Ladies

[dasein]

I'm sure

 

You seem to be very "sure" about things you don't actually know. In any event, your fascination with me is noted, and won't derail the thread further replying to simple personal attacks. Have heard all those here many, many times.

[zengirl]

Actually even the in charge part has a point. The reason so many men are so angry at feminism is that the "being in charge" thing that was their territory for a long long time is slowly slipping away from their hands. Now the writer even made sure to mention "insecure men" not all men and that she realizes she is generalizing in a sloppy manner but she still makes sense.

 

I was talking about this part (I like where it begins - the part I was not really digging bolded):

 

Any man who is a person wants to be with a woman who is a person. Attraction isn't intellectual, it's involuntary—and if men really only wanted to squirt their penises inside of silent supermodels, then regular people would be extinct. But look to your left. Look to your right. Regular people in the house!

 

Fundamentally, men are attracted to the exact same thing in women as women are in men: Confidence. Self-assuredness. Agency. Knowing who you are. But it gets sticky, because confidence is also the opposite of helplessness, and a lot of men (insecure men) need women to be helpless, because helpless people aren't in charge. And people in charge want to stay in charge. And the people in charge are men. (To be clear, I'm talking in broad, sloppy, systemic generalities here—not saying your dad is secretly trafficking lady-slaves from Belarus or something. You know what I mean.)

 

She did note that only insecure men need women to be helpless --- I'm not sure it'd be "a lot" of men, but some surely do. The thing is -- to a degree -- I don't know what she means when she says, "You know what I mean." But she does admit it's a sloppy generality, and adding nuance to it would detract from the tone of her emotional argument, so I get it to a degree from a writing standpoint. After all, she's not really trying to make social commentary.

 

And I TOTALLY agree with her on men liking confident women (secure ones ofcourse). And that's exactly where LS loses me by the huge amount of insecure hater males. Men I see in real are ALWAYS impressed by female's independence, education and even money. No quality man wants only a dumb pretty woman.

 

I don't think MOST LS men really want a dumb, pretty woman, frankly, but I agree that men I know are impressed and happy with agency, independence, self-esteem, education, and even money.

[Woggle]

Though I don't like a few things in it the article isn't really misandrist. I have seen some real misandrist things and this is not it.

[thatone]

I was talking about this part (I like where it begins - the part I was not really digging bolded):

 

 

 

She did note that only insecure men need women to be helpless --- I'm not sure it'd be "a lot" of men, but some surely do. The thing is -- to a degree -- I don't know what she means when she says, "You know what I mean." But she does admit it's a sloppy generality, and adding nuance to it would detract from the tone of her emotional argument, so I get it to a degree from a writing standpoint. After all, she's not really trying to make social commentary.

 

 

 

I don't think MOST LS men really want a dumb, pretty woman, frankly, but I agree that men I know are impressed and happy with agency, independence, self-esteem, education, and even money.

 

yeah but most LS men are frustrated ~20 to 30 year old virgins. they have no idea what they want because they've had little or no experience with women at all, the only thing they know is they like boobs and a vagina in principle seems like a good idea.

[verhrzn]

In the original article, there was a comment about how a woman on TV has their weird obsession with eating dirt and the little white rocks that come in planters. And she is engaged.

 

... Am I the only one who feels WORSE after reading that? That a woman who eats dirt can get a boyfriend but I can't get a guy to go for coffee with me??

[soserious1]

In the original article, there was a comment about how a woman on TV has their weird obsession with eating dirt and the little white rocks that come in planters. And she is engaged.

 

... Am I the only one who feels WORSE after reading that? That a woman who eats dirt can get a boyfriend but I can't get a guy to go for coffee with me??

 

You have the same set of options open to you that men have when they cannot get dates with women.

 

You can choose to...

 

1. Fix the physical or personality flaws that are off putting to the men you desire.If you aren't sure what your flaws are, ask for help from trusted men in your life (preferably a brother or cousin) ask them to level with you honestly abut how men most likely view your appearance & personality.

 

2. After multiple failed efforts to engage a particular type of man, accept that you are trying too far out of your league. Lower your standards for looks, height, income & occupation, continue lowering them till you start to get dates.

 

3. Decide that you aren't willing to do any of the above, accept that it will probably take you a long time to meet someone. Also accept the fact that you might end up partnerless.

 

Or you can continue along bemoaning your fate & denouncing the men who don't find you attractive.. how has that tactic been working so far in terms of improving your social life?

[verhrzn]

You have the same set of options open to you that men have when they cannot get dates with women.

 

You can choose to...

 

1. Fix the physical or personality flaws that are off putting to the men you desire.If you aren't sure what your flaws are, ask for help from trusted men in your life (preferably a brother or cousin) ask them to level with you honestly abut how men most likely view your appearance & personality.

 

2. After multiple failed efforts to engage a particular type of man, accept that you are trying too far out of your league. Lower your standards for looks, height, income & occupation, continue lowering them till you start to get dates.

 

3. Decide that you aren't willing to do any of the above, accept that it will probably take you a long time to meet someone. Also accept the fact that you might end up partnerless.

 

Or you can continue along bemoaning your fate & denouncing the men who don't find you attractive.. how has that tactic been working so far in terms of improving your social life?

 

Too bad I've lowered my standards as far down as they will go, short of scratching off "he's breathing" and "single."

 

I've also done everything possible to fix myself, and guys still don't like me.

 

So where does that leave me after your great and detailed advice?

[soserious1]

Too bad I've lowered my standards as far down as they will go, short of scratching off "he's breathing" and "single."

 

I've also done everything possible to fix myself, and guys still don't like me.

 

So where does that leave me after your great and detailed advice?

 

I guess it leaves you without a romantic partner, forced to curl up with LS at night.

 

Why not try just not caring about finding a partner for awhile, people tend to meet that special someone when they least expect it.

[DjinnAgain]

Too bad I've lowered my standards as far down as they will go, short of scratching off "he's breathing" and "single."

 

I've also done everything possible to fix myself, and guys still don't like me.

 

So where does that leave me after your great and detailed advice?

 

 

I do not mean this in a derogatory manner. However, your negativity comes across and may be a part of the problem you are having. Have you tried sitting each day and thinking about one thing you are happy about from the day, that you are happy about for yourself, etc? It's hard to approach if someone is closed off and I think at this point you are.

 

I doubt you are bad, and it's true everyone can find somebody. Plenty of fish in the sea, and all that.

 

There are lots of good guys out there. Are you in a small town? I don't think the attitudes you see on here are quite prevalent. It's like the people ripping on the looks of models on the internet - you find weird people with weird opinions being somewhat more vocal. Guys are good, on average. Just like women.

 

Sorry if this was offensive. Surely not meant that way. Good luck.

[Dafa]

And yet constantly pounded into my head. Hey, SoSerious even came along to emphasize my point! Ain't that swell. "Get prettier or settle." See what I mean? Why bother with even trying to improve if the world is just gonna shove you down anyway for trying? I can't even have a DAY of feeling better without posters on this board piling on. I guess you only get support if you're male...

 

 

 

Because negative is what needs to be addressed. I tried ignoring them or riding them off originally in this thread, and they just got bigger and nastier. ThatOne couldn't be contented calling all single women drama queens and liars, he just had to come back just to call ME a drama queen and a failure, because I didn't subscribe to his little worldview. The negativity is so strong and so overpowering it drowns out everything else.

 

Negative things are what stand in my way from feeling better, in other words.

 

I totally agree that ignoring what people say is not the best way to progress in something, however ridiculous what the other person says. So, in MY opinion, the "ignore them" is not good advice. Ignore them AFTER you carefully consider what they said and find that you don't agree.To truly understand something, one must look at both the positive and negative points of view. It's a bit like Kipling said:

 

"If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too"

 

Now, what i believe you are doing is focusing too much on the "doubting" (i.e. on the negative points) part and not using the positive bits to reinforce yourself and your positions.

Having said this, in all honestly, some of the positive reinforcement thrown at you is very vague and as such, it is normal that you don't pay attention to it. Look for specific positive reinforcement as much as you are focusing on the specific negative reinforcement. It's hard to do that, i know. Personally, on 2 responses that you give in this thread, you seem to demonstrate good argumentation skills and the right amount of self-assertiveness. I can give you the examples if you wish.

 

As for the "i'm alone, ergo i suck" point of view you have inside you and are (rightly) trying to deconstruct so you can be more at ease with yourself:

1) Being alone, or in a relationship, is very circumstancial (not sure this is how it's spelled). Most of the times is simply luck (or lack thereof). Of course this luck seems less important to more attractive people because simply they have a wider pool to choose from.

2) Contrary to physical attraction (in my opinion), the attractiveness of a given personality is something which is very very subjective. In some groups of people you can be seen as a distant, intimidating person, while in others you can be seen as a quite endearing person, despite you acting and being exactly the same person in both of the groups. It's very relative.I have experienced this recently.

The lesson to be taken here is that, personality-wise, a given group of people can really think you suck, while some other group can think you really are "da bomb"! Finding the latter group is, once again, circumstancial, i.e. luck. Don't diminish yourself just because you can't find a soulmate.

 

So much to say that i don't know where to start!

[ariadne999]

I guess it leaves you without a romantic partner, forced to curl up with LS at night.

 

Why not try just not caring about finding a partner for awhile, people tend to meet that special someone when they least expect it.

 

 

well, that leaves her better off then you. Better to have never loved at all then be paying spousal support eh?

 

 

V-better to be single forever then to be married, used and dumped like soseroius.

[soserious1]

well, that leaves her better off then you. Better to have never loved at all then be paying spousal support eh?

 

 

V-better to be single forever then to be married, used and dumped like soseroius.

 

Actually I'm the one who asked for the divorce and filed but thanjs for playing

[ariadne999]

Im sure the ex was just devastated. Now he gets your money but doesn't have to deal with you.

 

 

 

Oh Im sure Im wrong about all that alimony you're paying

[soserious1]

Im sure the ex was just devastated. Now he gets your money but doesn't have to deal with you.

 

 

 

Oh Im sure Im wrong about all that alimony you're paying

 

You aren't wrong, I pay plenty of alimony because I make plenty of money. Btw, I totally get that you don't like me & guess what? that fact totally makes my day, so keep those digs coming sweetie, after my Ex nobody hurts me anymore

 

Oh & one more thing, I might be divorced, paying alimony but at least I won't be sitting home alone all weekend

Edited April 27, 2012 by soserious1

[Emilia]

Im sure the ex was just devastated. Now he gets your money but doesn't have to deal with you.

 

Oh Im sure Im wrong about all that alimony you're paying

 

You are despicable.

[soserious1]

You are despicable.

 

Thank you but it's really okay, it's the internet, I dish it out well then I better not whine like a little girl when it gets served back to me.

 

Oh and ariadne999 is right, I was "used and dumped" and yes, I pay big money in alimony... but that isn't the subject of this thread is it? My advice & comments to V were respectful, I did not name call & did offer well thought out advice, the very same advice I'd give a man who was struggling to get dates.

Edited April 27, 2012 by soserious1