"There Is Nothing Wrong With You": For the Single Ladies

[verhrzn]

Hello fellow LS single ladies. This article really resonated with me, as sometimes I really don't let myself off the hook for all the ways society screws with the idea of the single woman. Hope it brings some courage and compassion to your day. (PS: PM if you want the link to the actual article.)

 

As modern ladies of marrying age, our trusty inadequacy paradigm has always gone something like this: "I'm too fat for the men I like." "I'm too ugly to get married." "I'm too old to find a guy." Blah blah blah, fart, repeat, dead (the lifecycle of the human woman). And lately, this other sort of protest-too-much inversion seems fashionable: "I'm too smart/too pretty/too successful/too interesting/too funny/too outspoken to bag a man!" No matter what or who we (hetero) women are, we are always too something for men. Isn't that just ****ed? Because to be "too" something implies that there's a something else out there to aim for. But there isn't. IT'S A TRAP.

We constantly frame ourselves as outsized or undersized from every angle—and we either use our inadequacies to punish ourselves (too fat! No cookie!), or wear them like some crazy cold-comfort security blanket (you're my real boyfriend, sarcasm!). So couldn't we just call BS on this entire idea and be, I don't know, people? People who don't exist "for" men? Whose lives aren't upended by the latest terrible "too"-ness we read about in Cosmo?

 

We have to quit defining ourselves solely in relation to dudes. Like, "I am not me—I am some imaginary man's imaginary perfect 10, plus 50 extra pounds, minus a 20-inch waist, plus a threatening commitment to feminism, minus any desire to pretend to care about bike polo! That's me!" No, that's not you. That is a weird monster you made up to torture yourself. I try to remember (and it is hard sometimes—real talk) that I'm an actual human being, not some math equation that can be solved by triangulating all of the nearest boners.

 

Because here's the thing, sister-bros. It's a freaking con. The longest long-con of all time, maybe. Stop trying to be what men want you to be, because men are lying to you.

 

Any man who is a person wants to be with a woman who is a person. Attraction isn't intellectual, it's involuntary—and if men really only wanted to squirt their penises inside of silent supermodels, then regular people would be extinct. But look to your left. Look to your right. Regular people in the house!

 

Fundamentally, men are attracted to the exact same thing in women as women are in men: Confidence. Self-assuredness. Agency. Knowing who you are. But it gets sticky, because confidence is also the opposite of helplessness, and a lot of men (insecure men) need women to be helpless, because helpless people aren't in charge. And people in charge want to stay in charge. And the people in charge are men. (To be clear, I'm talking in broad, sloppy, systemic generalities here—not saying your dad is secretly trafficking lady-slaves from Belarus or something. You know what I mean.)

 

And on top of that, because attraction is involuntary, admitting genuine attraction to the people we're really attracted to relinquishes a huge amount of power. It's terrifying. And when the people you're so terrifyingly attracted to don't even give a s**t about you? QUICK, TELL THEM THEIR CALVES ARE TOO HEAVY.

 

It's basic beauty myth. All the faux-evolutionary excuses people give for modern beauty ideals (gigantic boobs means more milk for cave-babies! A tiny waist means a bigger uterus!) are garbage. I mean, have you seen "conventional attractiveness" lately? That s**t's gone off the rails! Here is what I will cop to in terms of our primordial human standards of beauty. To bag an early-man, you probably needed:

 

1. Most of your limbs.

2. Minimal open sores.

3. A baseline level of health and robustness to be able to care for a child and/or defend it from lions.

 

Ombre hair extensions? Doubtful. Being "too interesting"? Frack no.

 

We, as women, go our whole lives believing this lie that all we have to do is to stop being too fat and too flat-chested and too bitchy and too uptight, and then the perfect dude will finally love us forever. But chasing that stupid phantom doesn't make us necessary—it makes us disposable. It makes us powerless. Because we're not people anymore, we're holes. Miserable, back-stabbing holes.

 

There's this dumb, deathless stereotype that women only chase men who don't need them—but, um, that's because everyone wants someone who doesn't need them. Everyone wants someone who doesn't need anyone! The only people who actually should be helpless are babies, and who wants to **** a baby? Not me! (Pro tip: If you just yelled "Meeeeee!" and high-fived yourself, call the cops.) Co-dependence is not hot.

 

But what's needier than turning your life into one endless Sally Jesse Raphael makeover episode? What's more helpless than carving yourself out of some dude's janky old rib? That is the opposite of finding an actual person who might actually love you. So stop it. You are not "too" anything for anyone. Be a person. Hang out with people. Do what you want and you'll get what you want. Giving up on other people's expectations isn't settling—it's demanding what you freaking deserve.

 

http://jezebel.com/5904952/for-chrissakes-there-is-nothing-wrong-with-you-a-dating-manifesto

Edited April 26, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added link to external article

[thatone]

bonus points for the "triangulating boners" line.

 

as for the rest...if you are...

 

1) a drama queen

2) devoid of self confidence

3) dishonest

 

then yes, you are a hole. you have no other redeeming quality.

 

sadly, one or more of these describes a majority of single women, from my experience.

[verhrzn]

bonus points for the "triangulating boners" line.

 

as for the rest...if you are...

 

1) a drama queen

2) devoid of self confidence

3) dishonest

 

then yes, you are a hole. you have no other redeeming quality.

 

sadly, one or more of these describes a majority of single women, from my experience.

 

Wow, way to take an article that's meant to say "Single ladies there's nothing wrong with you" and make it all about... all the things that are wrong with single ladies.

 

Thanks for your valuable contribution.

[thatone]

Wow, way to take an article that's meant to say "Single ladies there's nothing wrong with you" and make it all about... all the things that are wrong with single ladies.

 

Thanks for your valuable contribution.

 

so you posted an article that suggests women stop trying to be what people they don't even know want them to be.

 

and you're offended because i didn't read it as yet another self help publication.

 

i think you're proving the author's point.

[january2011]

I'm not single but I read the article anyway.

 

Boy, she's angry, but I like her writing.

 

And I agree with, "there's nothing wrong with you."

 

Thing is though, when we want something that we can't have (yet), we have a tendency to try to rationalise it out. Sometimes these rationalisations help us to make the best out of a bad situation, but sometimes these rationalisations hold us back. People who are not us can point us in the right direction. Though some people are also here to mislead us. At the end of the day, we still have to figure things out for ourselves and own the life choices that made us who we are. Whatever they were.

 

Having said that, every day is a new day.

[USMCHokie]

Take the article, change all the words 'women' to 'men', and practically nothing changes. Amazing.

[somedude81]

I wonder what kind of woman that article was written for.

 

Something tells me it's for a small number of women who do poorly with men and don't know why. What it basically does is tell them that they are good enough as they are and you'll find the guy who loves you just because you are you.

There's this dumb, deathless stereotype that women only chase men who don't need them—but, um, that's because everyone wants someone who doesn't need them. Everyone wants someone who doesn't need anyone!

This part really bugs me.

 

It's basically trying to explain why women go for unavailable men, guys who have lots of options, basically guys who aren't going to give a damn about you.

 

Then there was also this part.

We, as women, go our whole lives believing this lie that all we have to do is to stop being too fat and too flat-chested and too bitchy and too uptight, and then the perfect dude will finally love us forever.

So the woman can be fine just as she is with her flaws and get a perfect dude? And of course the guy doesn't need her at all.

[threebyfate]

Agreed that she sounds angry at the world.

 

There are parts I agree and disagree with. It's a tricky balance between self-acceptance, pragmatism and reasonability.

 

To switch up genders, no matter how confident and self-accepting a guy is, if he's a selfish ass, he's a selfish ass where even if he enters a relationship, unless he finds a martyr of a partner, his relationships will all go boom.

 

Relationships require give and take which includes the shifting of focus between partners.

[xxoo]

Be a person. Hang out with people. Do what you want and you'll get what you want.

 

Yes! Great advice!

 

But she did imply something "wrong". She implied that some single women are focusing too much on what will attract a man, and not enough on the above.

[zengirl]

Parts of the article --- not the whole angry tone --- resonate with me. The ability to be a person, not a varietal of some other "more perfect" person, but WHO YOU ARE, is crucial to living life happily. As Hokie points out, a man could struggle with that as well. This article has the tones and social context of being aimed towards women, but they aren't the only ones who need that particular advice. Being a person, rather than a version of something else, is ALWAYS the answer.

 

Take the article, change all the words 'women' to 'men', and practically nothing changes. Amazing.

 

Well, that's relatively true, but why roll your eyes at it? The fact that it's written for women doesn't necessarily mean that women are the only people who struggle with agency and personhood.

 

I wonder what kind of woman that article was written for.

 

Something tells me it's for a small number of women who do poorly with men and don't know why.

 

I really think it was written for a lot of women who ARE successful too, and women like V who struggle as she does, and most especially women who get dates but always feel less-than. Which are, sadly, a lot of women. I would say perhaps the majority of single women feel "less-than" as they go about their dating life. Women who don't feel "less-than" tend to get snatched up faster --- some would say it's because they're better and that's the whole reason they don't feel that way, but I disagree because I've felt "less-than" and not felt that way, and the only thing that changed was my beliefs.

 

What it basically does is tell them that they are good enough as they are and you'll find the guy who loves you just because you are you.

 

The only way to be loved is to be loved for exactly who you are and because you are you. Seriously.

[danny in van]

there often is a lot that IS wrong with people- not just women of course- that is fixable...so to say otherwise is just lazy rationalization. For ie- our modern person is often flabby due to sedentary life- and may too be lacking in personality due (generalizing of course but I think it's true) to mass media becoming more concentrate/in our faces thus engendering more conformity than previous generations.

But since looks are a big part of the thread, back to that. Yes most people i see around are not in great shape- they're ok at best. We like great shape (not cuz of media, sorry) but because fit always was and will be sexy. I'm not gonna explain the obvious- but my point is it takes alotta discipline to be VERY fit- but it is a choice and is doable. It's very simple, but not ez. Now don't fault a guy cuz he likes what he likes, but u can fault our modern society that wants life easier and easier/do less do less...then complains of a beauty 'myth' (ie means to me -not fat!) invented by media etc.

 

Can't drive your car everyday , sit in an office all day and be fit! sorry!

Anyway my overall point is be wary of the 'just be yourself' silliness if you're trying to attract your dream spouse. Hell no- bust your butt in every way to be exceptional!

[jobaba]

Too much analysis is displayed in the OP's link.

 

Single women (and men) are so for the following reasons IMO:

 

- too ugly. Yes, looks are not everything or the only factor in dating but everyone and their grandma knows it's an advantage

 

- poor personality. Personality IMO is subjective, but if a person is too negative, hot-headed, or has some other bad quality, this may put people off

 

- Life situation. What I mean by that is (as an example) if a person has an excessive number of children, is very sick (not a manageable disease, but one that's communicable or even lethal/fatal), or has a very low income, these factors can dissuade

 

- Bad luck. Some simply choose bad partners, and have generally good qualities.

 

- Personal shortcomings/insecurities. It could be being too shy, not being able to read people well, not feeling one is good enough, etc.

 

It's unPC to say, but I feel most who have problems getting dates/relationships fall into the above categories.

 

I would pare this down even further.

 

Really, people who are single after a certain age or really can't get anyone for long periods is because of:

 

1) Unattractive

 

2) Life Situation - the kids example was really spot on

 

3) Personal shortcomings/insecurities

 

I have seen some people with shockingly bad personalities who have never had trouble getting relationships. And bad luck can only hold true for so long before things return to the mean.

 

Personally, I think I've had it tough because I'm unattractive. I don't think I'm ugly per se but I'm not what the general populace wants. But I have worked around it and given V my advice on how to do so, which she always ignores...

[jobaba]

Response to the article as a man...

 

1) I am not attracted to confident women. The arrogant women on this forum (and there are plenty), I would never date them. Total turn off. If a woman told me she was picked on in high school, or doesn't feel that pretty some of the time. TURN ON! Big time. I want a woman with HUMILITY.

 

2) Attraction is voluntary. Almost every woman I have gotten a hormonal hard on for in my life has rejected me. But I have met some great women because I have approached dating in a rational manner.

[ascendotum]

The only way to be loved is to be loved for exactly who you are and because you are you. Seriously.

 

That is the ideal situation for everyone. Its easy and no effort is required, just wake up each day and just go about your business and have single members of the opposite sex express interest in you fairly regulary, or marry someone who still loves you 5-10-50 yrs on no matter what...and for tons of people this is the way it is. For some people their combination of looks & personality & lifestyle does not interest the vast majority of single members of the opposite sex, and just 'being who you are' is bad strategy. Whats the typical advice given here for people (esp the guys) who are having limited success....CHANGE your circumstances, your personality, your look. Adapt to what the members of the opposite sex that you desire, sees as desirable, or continue to be wallpaper.

 

I really think it was written for a lot of women who ARE successful too.....

I had that impression too. I did find this line weird...."I'm too smart/too pretty/too successful/too interesting/too funny/too outspoken to bag a man!" Too smart or too interesting or too pretty....yeah right! I've rarely known a girl who has spent numerous years being ignored for being these things specifically. I know a few women who claim the 'too successful' & 'too outspoken' facet impedes their ability to find a great guy...these women however have other aspects that limits their options for guys with lots of options. Her "successful" or "outspoken" is others too driven/perfectionist/bossy/boring/demanding/doesnt go with the flow/not feminine/no sense of humour/not fun loving/loud & raucous/uncouth/bit of a feminazi/etc.

[ThaWholigan]

Response to the article as a man...

 

1) I am not attracted to confident women. The arrogant women on this forum (and there are plenty), I would never date them. Total turn off. If a woman told me she was picked on in high school, or doesn't feel that pretty some of the time. TURN ON! Big time. I want a woman with HUMILITY.

 

2) Attraction is voluntary. Almost every woman I have gotten a hormonal hard on for in my life has rejected me. But I have met some great women because I have approached dating in a rational manner.

You make it seem like a confident woman cannot be humble.

[threebyfate]

Response to the article as a man...

 

1) I am not attracted to confident women. The arrogant women on this forum (and there are plenty), I would never date them. Total turn off. If a woman told me she was picked on in high school, or doesn't feel that pretty some of the time. TURN ON! Big time. I want a woman with HUMILITY.

 

2) Attraction is voluntary. Almost every woman I have gotten a hormonal hard on for in my life has rejected me. But I have met some great women because I have approached dating in a rational manner.

I see no evidence of humility or humbleness in this post.

 

Double standards anyone?

[jobaba]

You make it seem like a confident woman cannot be humble.

 

Yea. That's a good point. It kind of came out wrong. Confidence is good. But I appreciate women who have faced marginalization and are thus humble. Maybe a better way to put it.

 

I see no evidence of humility or humbleness in this post.

 

Double standards anyone?

 

What exactly was arrogant about my post?

 

The fact that I wouldn't date arrogant women?

[threebyfate]

What exactly was arrogant about my post?

 

The fact that I wouldn't date arrogant women?

The entire post that women who aren't what you want, are terrible people!

 

The underlying message in your post assumes that women you don't find attractive, even care that you don't find them attractive.

[dasein]

What a poorly written and unfortunately reasoned article. Let's see if I can summarize it in two points:

 

1. Don't kowtow to standards for attracting a man because men are liars. (or rather insert ACME patented female >>> male blame shift #24786475674539).

 

2. You are extra special super duper perfect just the way you are!

 

That's about it, article speaks for itself for the most part. Jezebel, or wherever it came from, scraping the the very wood out of the bottom of the barrel.

[jobaba]

The entire post that women who aren't what you want, are terrible people!

 

The underlying message in your post assumes that women you don't find attractive, even care that you don't find them attractive.

 

I know for a fact that they don't.

 

Terrible is a harsh word. Just not my cup of tea. Maybe it came out a little harshly. It's the internet.

 

Really ... there are so many people around, as I'm getting older, I prefer not to hang out with arrogant people.

 

And there are plenty on LS. I won't sugarcoat that...

[joystickd]

Hello fellow LS single ladies. This article really resonated with me, as sometimes I really don't let myself off the hook for all the ways society screws with the idea of the single woman. Hope it brings some courage and compassion to your day. (PS: PM if you want the link to the actual article.)

Woman you just need to travel to NC and meet me.

[Ruby Slippers]

Yea. That's a good point. It kind of came out wrong. Confidence is good. But I appreciate women who have faced marginalization and are thus humble. Maybe a better way to put it.

Don't judge a book by its cover. I've faced various types of marginalization and hardship in my life, and my image has gone from bookish shy girl to stylish, well-to-do business owner within months. My character hasn't changed.

 

Also, I find most of my shiny-looking male counterparts to be spoiled and boring. But the scrappy guys with a lot of heart and something to strive for make me swoon.

Edited April 26, 2012 by Ruby Slippers

[Disenchantedly Yours]

I liked the article very much V. I don't think the author sounded angry, just passionate really.

 

I think a lot of women have a simliar conversation with themselves about being too much of this and not enough of that. I know I have. I often feel like I am both too much and not enough in many regards.

 

Part that made me laugh out loud"

 

Ombre hair extensions?

 

What is up with Ombre hair style...hate it! And every woman on tv, not only has a certain amount of botox of some kind of plumping up implant...but they all have hair extensions now. And while on the subject, I really enjoyed the show Ghost Whisper with J. Love Hewitt but I kind of was waiting for one of her fake eye lashes to fall off and stick to her cheek in one of those heartfelt ghost-connects-with-person moments.

[joystickd]

Baby dances to Single Ladies-Beyonce(funny) - YouTube

Entertainment for the single ladies

[Ruby Slippers]

Baby dances to Single Ladies-Beyonce(funny) - YouTube

Entertainment for the single ladies

That baby actually has some great moves.