BSs in the hot seat once again. WHY?

[Spark1111]

Don't get me wrong BK, my mom stuck around for more than 40 years until my dad's death and he stuck around for his share of her mess. I think she just felt that she didn't need to, she wanted to. My grandmothers on the other hand, needed to stay married...they felt as if they needed to be married to be fully accepted. My parents were feminist who made sure their children understood the responsibilities of being married and the choices available if things could not be worked out. For that I am eternally grateful.

 

I did pray about my choices before I made them. I kept getting the same message and I followed that whisper...I haven't regretted that either.

 

I am the youngest by many years (oops!) and my mom is of an older generation.

 

Her attitude is "men may cheat, so what?" Forgive him and keep this roof over your head....the status quo.

 

Needless to say, I am not my mother's daughter in attitude. (Thank you Daddy!) And I would rather live in a hovel I could afford on my own than with someone who wouldn't commit honestly and faithfully to me.

[beenburned]

BNB,

 

I totally agree that it was an entirely different mind set a generation ago.

 

I do think women put up with a lot of things because they were dependent on men to support them and the children. Divorce was rare back then, except among the rich or celebrities.

 

Yes, among Christians, it is always advised to try and work it out. But if you can't then divorce is accepted in the case of adultery.

[Spark1111]

"Anger" and "hate" are perfectly acceptable responses to being cheated on. I hardly think there are very many if any examples of people telling BSs that they "hate" or are "angry" at the BS. In fact I don't think anyone in this thread has even given one example of hatred and anger being directed at the betryaed spouse. I think the hate and anger are directed at the cheating and the cheating spouse.

 

Disagree! Some are still so mired in hate and bitterness YEARS LATER that their perceptions and advice are skewed, relentlessly angry and bas not only the cheater but the spouse in pain who may still be considering reconciling. It shows.

 

As far as being ridiculed for being a cuckold (male or female doesn't matter), ridicule is appropriate if someone is behaving or saying things that are ridiculous. Again that's an opinion and it's often true.

 

As long as ridicule doesn't violate TOS. And the opinion is often untrue.

 

However if a person is a BS who doesn't want to believe they are married to a cheater, they will certainly tend to "defensively" take the hatred and anger directed at their cheating spouse personally. In fact that's what many BSs say--"oh please don't insult my cheating spouse."

 

Well, that is not a bad sign. It shows they may have enough love patience and fortitude to attempt reconciliation, whether it works long term or not.

 

It doesn't take the "legitimacy" away from the hatred and anger against cheating just because a betrayed spouse wants to believe their cheating spouse isn't worthy of such criticism. It just means the betrayed spouse is blind to the facts of life because that would mean that their cheating spouse is one of the "bad ones."

 

There is no emotion you could feel towards my BS that I haven't already experienced, felt about him and expressed to him.

 

To try so hard to convince me or any other BS that we need to hate them, be angry at them, and to not be "blind" to their "badness" is superior, condescending and says more about your agenda than their's.

 

The thread-starter doesn't want to hear that maybe she made a mistake and maybe even after what she thinks is a reconciliation her cheating spouse could do it again. No one wants to think that but it could happen.

 

Of course it could happen, but it could happen to anyone in any relationship. Do you peer into a crystal ball? And while I have made many mistakes, reconciling has not proved to have been one FOR US.

 

This thread is like a pre-emptive strike.

 

No, this thread was started because the relentless bashing and condescending criticism to new posters in pain, either considering reconciliation or advice how to end an affair.

 

Cheating is not nice, don't expect people reacting to it to be nice. These stories that people post here aren't nice stories, they're not about nice people, they're about some of the most evil people one could imagine, doing some of the evilest stuff (on a personal level) one could imagine. BSs looking to reconcile can't perceive of their spouse in such terms because they have to rationalize the reconciliation in emotional terms.

 

Okay, could very well be true.

 

BSs have to learn not to be so "nice" and they have to toughen up or else they will just be vulnerable to the emotional manipulation of their WS.

 

I'm sure they will, in their own time, when they are ready. Not because you or I tell them they MUST follow the advice on an anonymous internet forum.

 

This is a public discussion forum, not a personal/private protective cocoon where the BS can just gather with a few friends, burn some incense, drinks some wine or some beers and "commiserate." If that's what's wanted people should keep it private and among their real-life friends they trust.

 

Don't see this here at all, and it sounds like a condescending shot.

 

An endless parade of people telling a BS "oh you poor thing--how terrible!" with pats on the back is not going to help them do whatever it is needs to be done, either divorce or reconciliation.

 

I have NEVER seen that here. Not sure where else you post.

 

BSs need to direct their hatred and anger towards their cheating spouse and what the spouse has done to them, not someone on the internet who is honest enough to give them a straight opinion.

 

See there you go again! BS must direct ANGER and HATRED towards our cheating spouse and only those giving them (my) straight opinion are the ONLY honest ones here.

[The Blue Knight]

Anyone presenting their very personal, private relationship issues to a public forum needs to be prepared for a wide variety of answers. Many will be unwelcome but that doesn't mean they are "wrong." They are just as wrong or right as anyone else's.

 

I don't believe that's the issue. Everyone understands this is a public forum and for that reason, there will be a host of differing opinions and advice. The issue is more about some of the unbridled hostility and oftentimes demeaning tones that accompany someone's advice. It's not necessary and it's certainly not something most people would do to a friend over a cup of coffee, assuming a similar problem was brought up in that setting. Anonymity sometimes becomes an excuse for manners being abandoned.

[The Blue Knight]

Cheating is not nice, don't expect people reacting to it to be nice. These stories that people post here aren't nice stories, they're not about nice people, they're about some of the most evil people one could imagine, doing some of the evilest stuff (on a personal level) one could imagine. BSs looking to reconcile can't perceive of their spouse in such terms because they have to rationalize the reconciliation in emotional terms.

 

An endless parade of people telling a BS "oh you poor thing--how terrible!" with pats on the back is not going to help them do whatever it is needs to be done, either divorce or reconciliation.

 

BSs need to direct their hatred and anger towards their cheating spouse and what the spouse has done to them, not someone on the internet who is honest enough to give them a straight opinion.

I'll have to respectfully disagree.

 

Every betrayed spouse needs the time it takes THEM to process the situation. A cheating spouse suddenly and unexpectedly revealed is about the most shocking situation anyone can ever experience.

 

I don't disagree that there are evil wayward spouses (serial cheaters) out there, but I don't believe that everyone who cheats is necessarily evil. There are reasons that affairs often occur, and at times both sides of the marriage contributed to that affair. Even decent people who we'd think of as the last individual on the planet to commit adultery will occasionally cheat.

 

I don't think anyone has suggested that what the BS is looking for when they come to loveshack are "an endless parade of people telling them, oh you poor thing" although sympathies are certainly in order at times. They are looking for answers to questions they never thought they'd ever have to ask.

 

And I can't say that I've seen any BS direct their hatred at someone on loveshack for giving a straight opinion. Perhaps I missed a thread somewhere. A straight opinion isn't the issue. It's the tones and the implied "if you don't follow what I'm telling you to do you're a fool" that really isn't needed. The BS has enough on their plate. They are here to hopefully receive some help, not agitation and further aggravation.

[The Blue Knight]

If someone wants to advise you as a BS that you're mistaken to reconcile and can't trust your cheating spouse they're entitled to do that. More often than not it proves to be the truth. You don't have to listen to anything you don't want to listen to, nor does anyone else.

 

Your misconception which is shared by many is that a strong message not to coddle a cheater and not to be a patsy to a cheater is "anger" and "hatred." It's not. It's just good sound advice that you yourself followed by kicking your husband out the door.

 

No one could possibly have had more hatred and anger at your husband than you did when you kicked him out the door, but that doesn't mean you were wrong, and I'm sure you wouldn't tolerate anyone's criticism for doing it. Please don't be a hypocrite and criticize others for advising BSs to take a hard line approach like you actually did.

Ham, you and I are in agreement on a lot of things. But assuming that even if the advice given is perhaps the "right advice" the BS still has to choose the route that best serves them without being beat-up for their choices. Do you disagree with this?

 

I think it's darn easy for any of us to be an outsider looking in and telling a BS that they are a coddler and a patsy when it isn't their marriage that's hanging in the balance. If you knew me personally, you'd know that I'm anything but a coddler.

 

But I'd rather be there to assist a guy like NH as he's working through the difficulty of his wife's affair than just assume he's an idiot if he doesn't follow my prescribed method.

 

How can anyone expect that we're all going to process and deal with affairs the same way? It's not realistic. We are all unique with different strengths and weaknesses, and often, very different personal values as well.

[SomedayDig]

TBK...thanks, man for your last two posts. To me that sums up exactly the feeling I got when initially posting at LS. I was told I was a cuckold if I didn't leave her...that she was nothing better than a prostitute...a skank...and a number of innuendos that didn't need to be said in a pathetic attempt to get me to conform to certain ideals.

 

Yeah...a new BS really doesn't need that kind of crap. I came here not looking for a shoulder to cry on ~ just some people to chat with anonymously about what I'm going through.

[frozensprouts]

I really think that a lot of people first come here because they feel like their whole world, everything the thought they knew, has just been blown away. Many are desperate for some explanation as to why this has happened...how could the person whom, just a few hours ago ( or how ever long it has been since they found out their spouse has been cheating) they would entrust with their lives could turn around and do this to them. How could the one person in the world whom they trusted above all others turn out to be someone who could do something so cruel.

 

Many come here at a point where virtual "kick in the rear" is not what they need. Some are so hurt that they really do need some sympathy and some understanding and kindness. The "tough love", if needed, can come later. right now, they just need to find a bit of stability in their thoughts, and they are not ready to make any decisions yet.

 

Some know, right from the get go, what they are going to do. For some, that means their marriage is over, and for others, that means they will reconcile. There is no 'cookie cutter" solution that works for everyone.

 

In my own case, some people told e I should stay, but a lot told me I should go. I had to make the decision for myself that I wanted to stay, and that's what i did. In my case, it worked out. Not everything is perfect, but that could be said about pretty much every relationship.

[The Blue Knight]

TBK...thanks, man for your last two posts. To me that sums up exactly the feeling I got when initially posting at LS. I was told I was a cuckold if I didn't leave her...that she was nothing better than a prostitute...a skank...and a number of innuendos that didn't need to be said in a pathetic attempt to get me to conform to certain ideals.

 

Yeah...a new BS really doesn't need that kind of crap. I came here not looking for a shoulder to cry on ~ just some people to chat with anonymously about what I'm going through.

Yours is a perfect example of what I'm talking about SD. I realize that there are individuals on loveshack who are still licking the wounds of their own past involving a cheating spouse, and I really do sympathize with what they went through. I just don't see how anyone can argue that those labels are appropriate or helpful.

[The Blue Knight]

I really think that a lot of people first come here because they feel like their whole world, everything the thought they knew, has just been blown away. Many are desperate for some explanation as to why this has happened...how could the person whom, just a few hours ago ( or how ever long it has been since they found out their spouse has been cheating) they would entrust with their lives could turn around and do this to them. How could the one person in the world whom they trusted above all others turn out to be someone who could do something so cruel.

 

Many come here at a point where virtual "kick in the rear" is not what they need. Some are so hurt that they really do need some sympathy and some understanding and kindness. The "tough love", if needed, can come later. right now, they just need to find a bit of stability in their thoughts, and they are not ready to make any decisions yet.

 

Some know, right from the get go, what they are going to do. For some, that means their marriage is over, and for others, that means they will reconcile. There is no 'cookie cutter" solution that works for everyone.

 

In my own case, some people told e I should stay, but a lot told me I should go. I had to make the decision for myself that I wanted to stay, and that's what i did. In my case, it worked out. Not everything is perfect, but that could be said about pretty much every relationship.

 

Good post Frozen. I'm a huge "tough love" advocate. I've followed and applied much of that philosophy for quite a few years now particularly with my kids. As you stated, there's a time when it may be needed. But one thing tough love is not, is insulting and demeaning commentary. Tough love suggests boundaries and consequences which I think most of us agree need to be applied after an affair is revealed IF the wayward spouse isn't taking the necessary steps to repair what they blew up.

 

People who suddenly experience a cheating spouse already feel like failures; like individuals who somehow didn't measure up. They question themselves repeatedly wondering how they contributed to their spouse cheating on them. Yeah, you're angry and you feel betrayed, but you can't help but feel like somewhere you may have taken a misstep in the relationship which caused it to veer off course. That individual needs good sound advice and some people who can be relied upon for a bit of empathy and understanding.

 

Anyone who has been the victim of a cheating spouse will be able to relate to this analogy. To me, finding out that your spouse cheated on you is akin to finding out someone you loved very much has just died. It's a sudden and provoking emotional shock which evokes a deluge of mixed emotions you can scarcely deal with from minute to minute. Would anyone ever approach someone that they knew who just lost a loved one and say, "You should really be glad they're dead, they didn't always treat you so well." Of course not. Because it would add to the pain and hurt that that person is already trying to deal with. That's NOT what that person in pain needs to hear at that moment because they are still in the midst of processing that death. My belief is an affair being revealed needs to be handled similarly.

 

I can't imagine individuals who were never part of the inner-workings of my marriage commenting about my wife at that time with such despicable labels. It wouldn't have been helpful to me in any way and I suspect most people would feel the same way.

 

 

[Owl]

Sure, anger and hurt and bitterness towards the person who betrayed you is an understandable reaction by a BS.

 

The choice to reconcile or not lies solely with the person making that decision...it's not up to anyone else to insist that someone else do one or the other, or to insist that another person is right or wrong for making a different choice than the insistent person did.

 

But coming to a public discussion forum to vent your spleen of the anger/hurt/frustration/bitterness on others that had nothing to do with your own personal situation isn't what LS is here for.

 

There's nothing wrong with sharing what worked in your own situation. There's lots of value in letting others know what worked for you and why or why not, nor in recommending a course of action.

 

But it makes no sense to post here comments that are insulting/derogatory to other members or new posters coming here for help because of how you feel about how your own situation did or didn't play out. Not to mention that it's pretty clearly a violation of the TOS to boot.

[Spark1111]

Ham, you and I are in agreement on a lot of things. But assuming that even if the advice given is perhaps the "right advice" the BS still has to choose the route that best serves them without being beat-up for their choices. Do you disagree with this?

 

I think it's darn easy for any of us to be an outsider looking in and telling a BS that they are a coddler and a patsy when it isn't their marriage that's hanging in the balance. If you knew me personally, you'd know that I'm anything but a coddler.

 

But I'd rather be there to assist a guy like NH as he's working through the difficulty of his wife's affair than just assume he's an idiot if he doesn't follow my prescribed method.

 

How can anyone expect that we're all going to process and deal with affairs the same way? It's not realistic. We are all unique with different strengths and weaknesses, and often, very different personal values as well.

 

The hard line approach I took was a visceral, knee-jerk reaction I took because.....I really am not sure why.

 

I wanted to spare my children from seeing my rage and pain and I was out of control if/when I saw him.

 

I wanted to spare myself; needed to deal with my own feelings before I even considered his....

 

I begged his family to be there for him because I could not/did not want to be.

 

But typical for a family of conflict-avoiders who always have to "appear" perfect, they did not pick up the ball either.

 

Or maybe I was just damn lucky in that I executed a perfect 180 before I had ever read or heard of the term.

 

I cannot assume my (lucky) reaction would be the first reaction of those who have just discovered a spouse's infidelity.

 

I can tell them what I did and how it worked out. I cannot insist they do the same until they are ready to, if ever.

[Danie]

I’m a wife, a former betrayed wife, who completely trusts her former wayward husband…because we both did some hard ME work, discovered some ugly truths about ourselves (yes me included)…and we’ve been able to move past the betrayal together. The only reason we’ve been able to reconcile our relationship was because we both wanted it. The only reason I can trust him now is because his actions over time have shown me that I can trust him. If I felt even the tiniest niggle of doubt in my trust for him I would not remain married to him. That is the simple truth.

 

For me the decision to reconcile was not simple, it was not black/white, it was not easy. I was very doubtful of whether I had it in me to truly *forgive* and to truly *move on* while maintaining my own humanity. For me I had to understand that my pride was a huge factor. I had to humble myself before my Creator and truly understand that I was no better and no worse than millions of others. I had to understand that my husband’s shortcomings were not an attack on me (personally) and not a reflection on me. His actions are his own. Those actions impacted me greatly but were not because of me. Another thing that I had to understand was that I truly do not have to power to absolve him of his self perceived sins…he has to discuss that with his higher power.

 

I’ve no problem with those who view their x’s with hate and contempt…it makes me feel sad for them to hold onto such negativity in their hearts, but it’s their life to do with as they will. I choose my life…I actively choose…to be content. I don’t shoot for *happy* anymore because (I’ve discovered) that the pursuit of happiness has lead to more pain and suffering than the pursuit of revenge. Of course I have no stats to back this up, it’s just my own conclusions.

 

Personally, I have nothing to prove to any of those who may not agree with the way I choose to live my life. To each their own.

 

I think that in our desire to help others we sometimes miss the “help” mark by miles. Probably because our thoughts are based on our own situations…and all of our own histories….which are unique to each of us. I tell stories that may or may not help the individual reading them. The stories are my own, from my life, that I think might help and have some relevance. Mostly, when I talk here it’s to help me as much as to help them. I’d like to think we are all mature adults with the skills and knowledge to decide our own lives. We get to decide what’s right for us…and if that happens to be wrong, then it is and we make a new plan, start over, and move forward the best way we know how. I heard it when I first started posting on internet forums “Take what you need and leave the rest” I think that’s the best advice we can keep sounding.

[The Blue Knight]

[/i]

Fine, let's hear from some folks who were BSs who took the soft approach with an unremorseful cheater and let's get some evidence that it actually ever works.

You're reading my comments somehow as me advocating a "soft approach" which isn't the case. I'm simply making a case for those giving advice to the BS to be more empathetic and consider the human side of the equation . . . but most importantly, to remember what it was like for them when the hammer dropped and realize it's a very difficult and untenable process for the BS.

[findingnemo]

Most people advocate for the "hard approach". This thread wasn't complaining about the kind of approach to take. It's about how we deliver that approach and how we react when the OP ignores or doesn't follow our advice. Here are examples:

 

1. OP, you need to realize that your W is a liar, a cheater, selfish and doesn't have your best interests at heart. Unless you show her the consequences of her actions, she'll keep thinking she can string you along like a puppet. She has absolutely no respect for you and you need to get it back. Throw her out NOW!

 

2. You're a wuss. Can't you see that your lying, whoring W is playing you like a fiddle. You're just being a cuckold and you deserve her since you have no balls to do what a man would do. Throw her ass out right now and gain some self-respect.

 

Both examples are saying the exact same thing. In the second one, the OP is being insulted and made to feel like not throwing the W out immediately means they are less than a man. Like they are a coward, a cuckold.

 

First of all, we know that D is painful most especially for the one who was cheated on. So how come we fail to acknowledge the fear some posters have as a valid one? Nobody here who has suffered this crap isn't angry. But when one finds oneself so mad at the OP that they need to get down and dirty, isn't it time to opt NOT to post? What benefit does posting an angry abusive opinion serve? It only serves the poster to express their anger. Since the OP is an anonymous person, the poster is really only expressing anger at their own situation, triggered of course by seeing the OP go throughout the same unnecessary pain. Nevertheless, the insults are uncalled for.

 

The point of the thread is to say that whatever you do, do not insult the poster in the name of giving advice. They are in enough agony already.

 

ETA: if someone insulted me like that in person while supposedly giving me "advice", I'd probably punch them in the face. Just saying..

Edited May 1, 2012 by findingnemo

[aussie mum]

This thread resonates with me.

 

As a first time poster, as a BS I expected more support, but have definately felt a lot of anger projected my way. I certainly didn't expect everyone to understand things from my perspective but I have read posts that have left me feeling worse than ever.

 

It has made me question whether or not I would reach out in this way again. It also makes me wonder if consideration is given to the mental wellbeing of the recipent of the posts - especially on an infidelity forum. I definately think it should be.

 

There have been posts that were/are great too and I hope that those who have posted insightful, thought provoking ideas to me know I appreciate it.

[Spark1111]

[/i]I agree. However this particular thread was started by spark who had to kick her h out before reconciliation was even possible, after he had deceived her multiple times.

 

The issue is more about some of the unbridled hostility and oftentimes demeaning tones that accompany someone's advice. It's not necessary and it's certainly not something most people would do to a friend over a cup of coffee, assuming a similar problem was brought up in that setting. Anonymity sometimes becomes an excuse for manners being abandoned.

 

Fine, let's hear from some folks who were BSs who took the soft approach with an unremorseful cheater and let's get some evidence that it actually ever works.

 

LHI.....What is YOUR story? What did you do? What worked for you? Are you married? Divorced? Were you betrayed? By whom?

[seren]

A soft approach? not sure what that is. I didn't 'kick my H out'. He told me about the A, it wasn't discovered, my response was to ask if he loved her and if he did then he needed to leave, if I, after having all the facts, and he, after looking at the why's and if he was prepared for NC and hard work, could reconcile. I understood why he had an A, not excusing him, but the experiences that had happened to him caused a change in the man I had known for 23 years. The last time I said this I don't think some people understood, but I did and that is what was important.

 

We all live with our own experiences, choices and actions, at times it might not be so easy to get it all out online and neither should people be expected to bare their soul just to justify why they choose to post on LS. If people choose to kick their WS out and believe that that is what is right for them, then I assume it was done with having all the facts, weighing up what was right for them and making an informed choice. For those of us who have decided to reconcile, the process is the same, just that the result is different.

 

I am not an advocate of tough love, personally speaking if I had received tough love in the early days of discovery, I wouldn't have returned. I'd had enough of tough and of not sharing with people IRL, LS gave anonimity and I wanted to hear how those who had decided to reconcile had done so. if hearing that reconciliation can work gives hope, then I am happy to share. The thought that it makes me passive, a doormat or a soft touch is just so far from IRL me, what it does indicate is that having all the facts my H and I took the let's see if we can work together and salvage our relationship and marriage. It hasn't been easy, but for us, it has been the right decision. For those who decided to leave and are happy, good, I am pleased, your choice, your boat to row.

 

There is no prescriptive behaviour to get over an A, I am not sure anyone gets over an A, not WS, BS or OW/OM, someone will always hurt, someone will always be the one that is left. I think if tough love is a feature of a poster's regular style irrespective of the thread or the situation, then they aren't likely to have useful advice or support for someone struggling to cope. If a poster is obviously not responding to tough love, shouldn't the poster back off? I know we are all entitled to our opinions, but sometimes a message isn't heard for all the shouting and accusations. It's like I used to say to clients, if you shout at me all I hear is noise, say it quietly and calmly and I can hear what it is you are saying.

[Spark1111]

Spark's opinion should point out that it was only when she kicked her cheating h out did reconciliation even become possible. Soft-peddling the reality might make spark feel good but doesn't change the facts.

 

I kicked him out because while he was begging to reconcile, he was still in daily contact with the OW....about our reconciliation!

 

WHAT RECONCILIATION?:bunny:

 

I sensed he wanted me to calm down so he could have us both again. He wanted it to be the way it had been. A true cake eater, for sure.

 

I'm not soft-pedalling anything.

 

I just don't need to hammer people over the head with it, angrily, condescendingly, insultingly in every single post.

[Spark1111]

Spark's opinion should point out that it was only when she kicked her cheating h out did reconciliation even become possible. Soft-peddling the reality might make spark feel good but doesn't change the facts.

 

Reconciliation ONLY became possible when I/he decided it could be possible.

 

What does kicking him out have to do with that? What if he had gone to live with his OW, was very happy there and we just met up at the divorce attorney's office a few months later?

[Spark1111]

This thread resonates with me.

 

As a first time poster, as a BS I expected more support, but have definately felt a lot of anger projected my way. I certainly didn't expect everyone to understand things from my perspective but I have read posts that have left me feeling worse than ever.

 

It has made me question whether or not I would reach out in this way again. It also makes me wonder if consideration is given to the mental wellbeing of the recipent of the posts - especially on an infidelity forum. I definately think it should be.

 

There have been posts that were/are great too and I hope that those who have posted insightful, thought provoking ideas to me know I appreciate it.

 

Wherever you go, there will be angry people demanding you realize that there is absolutely NO HOPE for you and your marriage.

 

One can only assume there was NO HOPE for their marriage and they kicked the cheater out and divorce was inevitable. That's fine. It took courage to make that choice too!

 

But I do not understand the beating about the head, often times very insulting, to posters who wish to consider other options in saving their marriage.

 

That takes courage too and deserves equal respect on these boards, IMO.

[Spark1111]

]LHI.....What is YOUR story? What did you do? What worked for you? Are you married? Divorced? Were you betrayed? By whom?

[/b]

 

Nice try at a thread-jack of your own thread, but it's a pretty predictable tactic, too.

 

Let's stick with the topic you started, which is your mystification at all the anger and hostility expressed towards BSs by some posters who view the BSs as "coddling" their WSs.

[Spark1111]

No one "hammered" you, no one did so "angrily, condescendingly, insultingly in every single post."

 

Nice try again, but no dice.

 

Now you're even pretending that kicking your WS out had nothing whatsoever to do with reconciliation occurring. O.K., you win.

 

I am not talking of me, and yet there were a few posters when I first joined.

 

I am talking of other posters recently who seem to be experiencing the wrath of few relentlessy angry posters.

 

WHAT IS YOUR STORY LHI?

[Spark1111]

A soft approach? not sure what that is. I didn't 'kick my H out'. He told me about the A, it wasn't discovered, my response was to ask if he loved her and if he did then he needed to leave, if I, after having all the facts, and he, after looking at the why's and if he was prepared for NC and hard work, could reconcile. I understood why he had an A, not excusing him, but the experiences that had happened to him caused a change in the man I had known for 23 years. The last time I said this I don't think some people understood, but I did and that is what was important.

 

We all live with our own experiences, choices and actions, at times it might not be so easy to get it all out online and neither should people be expected to bare their soul just to justify why they choose to post on LS. If people choose to kick their WS out and believe that that is what is right for them, then I assume it was done with having all the facts, weighing up what was right for them and making an informed choice. For those of us who have decided to reconcile, the process is the same, just that the result is different.

 

I am not an advocate of tough love, personally speaking if I had received tough love in the early days of discovery, I wouldn't have returned. I'd had enough of tough and of not sharing with people IRL, LS gave anonimity and I wanted to hear how those who had decided to reconcile had done so. if hearing that reconciliation can work gives hope, then I am happy to share. The thought that it makes me passive, a doormat or a soft touch is just so far from IRL me, what it does indicate is that having all the facts my H and I took the let's see if we can work together and salvage our relationship and marriage. It hasn't been easy, but for us, it has been the right decision. For those who decided to leave and are happy, good, I am pleased, your choice, your boat to row.

 

There is no prescriptive behaviour to get over an A, I am not sure anyone gets over an A, not WS, BS or OW/OM, someone will always hurt, someone will always be the one that is left. I think if tough love is a feature of a poster's regular style irrespective of the thread or the situation, then they aren't likely to have useful advice or support for someone struggling to cope. If a poster is obviously not responding to tough love, shouldn't the poster back off? I know we are all entitled to our opinions, but sometimes a message isn't heard for all the shouting and accusations. It's like I used to say to clients, if you shout at me all I hear is noise, say it quietly and calmly and I can hear what it is you are saying.

 

great, great post Seren!

 

And full of hope. And wait....YOU DIDN'T throw your H out and still managed to successfully reconcile?

 

What a shocker!

[ISurvived]

great, great post Seren!

 

And full of hope. And wait....YOU DIDN'T throw your H out and still managed to successfully reconcile?

 

What a shocker!

 

I never threw my wife out either. After D-Day 1, we were going to MC and turns out she was lying her butt off to me and the MC. She never established NC with the OM and just went underground. I was being loving, forgiving, etc. But, after D-Day 2, I told her to choose and get the Hell out if it wasn't me. She stayed, quit her job and we are happily reconciled after a ton of hard work.

 

She will tell you that faced with the "slap in the face" reality of having to leave her husband, children and home, DID factor into the decision.