I can't think of one positive thing that comes from commitment (monogamy)

[J322Y]

Monogamy is seems like ownership of another person and I don't think it benefits anyone.

 

For the sake of discussion I won't include couples who want to raise children. Also for the sake of discussion let's leave out STD's by assuming that safe sex is being practiced.

 

Having said that I can't think of anything gained by imposing the limitation of monogamy on someone. Can you?

[threebyfate]

"Monogamy is a waste of time if you ignore the benefits."

[verhrzn]

Avoidance of lots of messy emotions.

 

I have a few poly friends, and they have perfectly normal relationships like everyone else. The difference is, to make theirs work, they need lots, and lots, and lots of communication. Lots of talks about feelings and boundaries and potential situations and past situations and rules and.... etc.

 

Monogamy is harder, but it can also be a lot less complicated, emotionally and time-investment wise. I have a hard enough time juggling ONE relationship while still having a fulfilling personal life, I think my head would explode with TWO, because that's double the amount of emotions and dates and communication.

 

And poly ONLY works if it's from a place of total and complete communication and, ironically, commitment. If you aren't totally committed to your primary partner, your central relationship isn't going to survive being poly.

[J322Y]

Avoidance of lots of messy emotions.

 

Do you know anyone who has successfully avoided "messy emotions" by being monogamous? I don't.

[J322Y]

"Monogamy is a waste of time if you ignore the benefits."

 

I see you're getting at, but what exactly are the benefits?

[verhrzn]

Do you know anyone who has successfully avoided "messy emotions" by being monogamous? I don't.

 

The emotions are less messy than they would be if one of the partners was involved with someone else. (And then even if the two primaries are cool with everything, you have to think about the feelings of the THIRD person.) I've known plenty of monogamous relationships that have avoided "pointless" drama.

 

Polys? Not so much, without adhering to a LOT of rules and taking baby steps every inch of the way.

[threebyfate]

I see you're getting at, but what exactly are the benefits?

1. Love, trust, respect and security.
   
2. Secure base to raise happy children.
   
3. Limits the spread and acquisition of STDs.
   
4. For men who care to pass on their DNA, they can be assured their children are their children and they're not raising someone else's children.
   

[J322Y]

1. Love, trust, respect and security.
   
2. Secure base to raise happy children.
   
3. Limits the spread and acquisition of STDs.
   
4. For men who care to pass on their DNA, they can be assured their children are their children and they're not raising someone else's children.
   

 

Love, trust, respect and security. - Love, trust, and respect are not exclusive to monogamy. There is no security in monogamy, only the illusion of it.

 

Secure base to raise happy children. - I said in my OP that I wasn't talking about people who wanted to raise children.

 

Limits the spread and acquisition of STDs. - I also said to leave STD's out of the conversation, but we can discuss it if you like. Monogamy is a promise that often gets broken so counting on it to stay disease free is somewhat risky. You can also eliminate the vast majority of risk by practicing safe sex.

 

For men who care to pass on their DNA, they can be assured their children are their children and they're not raising someone else's children. - Again, not talking about raising a family

 

......

 

I feel that you gain nothing by limiting someone that you supposedly love. If you love them don't you want them to be happy, even if it means they meet someone better suited for them than you?

 

Monogamy is slavery. It's a selfish act committed out of fear.

[J322Y]

The emotions are less messy than they would be if one of the partners was involved with someone else. (And then even if the two primaries are cool with everything, you have to think about the feelings of the THIRD person.) I've known plenty of monogamous relationships that have avoided "pointless" drama.

 

Polys? Not so much, without adhering to a LOT of rules and taking baby steps every inch of the way.

 

Maybe you haven't known many people who got divorces.

[threebyfate]

Love, trust, respect and security. - Love, trust, and respect are not exclusive to monogamy. There is no security in monogamy, only the illusion of it.

 

Secure base to raise happy children. - I said in my OP that I wasn't talking about people who wanted to raise children.

 

Limits the spread and acquisition of STDs. - I also said to leave STD's out of the conversation, but we can discuss it if you like. Monogamy is a promise that often gets broken so counting on it to stay disease free is somewhat risky. You can also eliminate the vast majority of risk by practicing safe sex.

 

For men who care to pass on their DNA, they can be assured their children are their children and they're not raising someone else's children. - Again, not talking about raising a family

 

......

 

I feel that you gain nothing by limiting someone that you supposedly love. If you love them don't you want them to be happy, even if it means they meet someone better suited for them than you?

 

Monogamy is slavery. It's a selfish act committed out of fear.

As previously stated:

 

"Monogamy sucks if you ignore all the benefits".

 

If you don't believe in monogamy, why not find partners who believe as you do?

 

Shall I wander around posting threads on the Internet about how polyamory sucks? How inept polyamorists are, that they can't keep it in their tighty-whities or panties?

[J322Y]

As previously stated:

 

"Monogamy sucks if you ignore all the benefits".

 

If you don't believe in monogamy, why not find partners who believe as you do?

 

Shall I wander around posting threads on the Internet about how polyamory sucks? How inept polyamorists are, that they can't keep it in their tighty-whities or panties?

 

If you don't want to discuss monogamy with someone who has logical arguments against it then this thread isn't for you.

[xxoo]

Monogamy is the platform in which I feel safest to explore my sexuality. So for me, at least, monogamy means better sex.

[verhrzn]

Maybe you haven't known many people who got divorces.

 

Ugh, did you see me say that monogamous relationships are NEVER messy? NO. I said they are LESS messy than they WOULD be if poly.

 

As in, you could take a good monogamous relationship, and without a LOT of conflict and discussion, destroy it with poly.

 

Ask any person with a successful poly relationship, being monogamous IS less complicated. People who choose to be poly choose to take the benefits with the risks, but they'll also admit it's much harder in a lot of ways than monogamy is.

[january2011]

If both partners want it and agree to it, why is it an imposition?

 

If you see monogamy as ownership of another person and extrapolate from that, isn't polyamory ownership of more than one person? Isn't that a little greedy?

 

I don't understand why safe sex and raising children are excluded from the discussion. They are legitimate benefits.

[oaks]

Having said that I can't think of anything gained by imposing the limitation of monogamy on someone. Can you?

 

You can. You just excluded them from the debate by saying that we shouldn't mention the two that you thought of!

 

This reminds me of the "

" scene from The Life of Brian.

[InJest]

You have set it up so that the most logical arguments are off limits. I hate pseudointellectuals like yourself.

 

I have had close to 40 sexual partners and only one serious girlfriend, and I can even see the upside to monogamy. You're a ****ing moron if you think there is no logical basis for it, and for disqualifying two of the most viable arguments for it. STDs can be spread even while having safe sex, like herpes..an incurable STD that is spread by contact.

 

Monogamy increases the focus and attention paid to the other, so a deeper bond can be created. Monogamy requires trust, commitment, discipline, and work.

[MrNate 2.0]

You have set it up so that the most logical arguments are off limits. I hate pseudointellectuals like yourself.

 

I have had close to 40 sexual partners and only one serious girlfriend, and I can even see the upside to monogamy. You're a ****ing moron if you think there is no logical basis for it, and for disqualifying two of the most viable arguments for it. STDs can be spread even while having safe sex, like herpes..an incurable STD that is spread by contact.

 

Monogamy increases the focus and attention paid to the other, so a deeper bond can be created. Monogamy requires trust, commitment, discipline, and work.

 

You seem pretty passionate about this subject, InJest. If you don't mind me asking, if you're so against monogamy, why is it bothering you so much?

[oaks]

Having said that I can't think of anything gained by imposing the limitation of monogamy on someone. Can you?

 

Long term financial planning. Eg, property ownership, or saving for a round-the-world holiday the summer after next or a car. (and I mean a better house/holiday/car than you could afford by yourself)

[ThaWholigan]

You seem pretty passionate about this subject, InJest. If you don't mind me asking, if you're so against monogamy, why is it bothering you so much?

He was defending monogamy

[J322Y]

Ugh, did you see me say that monogamous relationships are NEVER messy? NO. I said they are LESS messy than they WOULD be if poly.

 

Less messy based on what, you're personal experience?

 

The divorce rate in America for first marriage, vs second or third marriage

50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce, according to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri.

 

According to enrichment journal on the divorce rate in America:

The divorce rate in America for first marriage is 41%

The divorce rate in America for second marriage is 60%

The divorce rate in America for third marriage is 73%

 

SOURCE

 

And that's just the couples that follow through with divorce. Of the couples that stay together I believe a large percentage are either unsatisfied with the relationship or worse. And I'm not only fixating on what you call "messy" conditions in a relationship, I consider a "tidy" but uninspired relationship a failure.

 

As in, you could take a good monogamous relationship, and without a LOT of conflict and discussion, destroy it with poly.

 

That has nothing to do with the merits or lack thereof with monogamy.

 

Ask any person with a successful poly relationship, being monogamous IS less complicated.

 

Being monogamous may be less complicated in the beginning, but that quickly changes if/when a monogamous relationship is ending as so often is the case.

 

People who choose to be poly choose to take the benefits with the risks, but they'll also admit it's much harder in a lot of ways than monogamy is.

 

I don't know all of these non-monogamous people you're talking about, but let's assume they exist and believe your statement; maybe a non-monogamous relationship IS harder in a lot of ways. So? I'm not looking for easy, I'm looking for the closest thing to unconditional love that I can find. Non-monogamy may not even be harder, but you would have to do the work of staying open and allowing your partners to be free from the beginning instead of putting off all of the difficulty until the relationship fails like so many monogamous ones do.

 

 

 

For clarity, I'm not necessarily talking about maintaining more than one partnership at a time; I'm promoting freedom which means you have the option of only being with one person at any given time.

[J322Y]

If both partners want it and agree to it, why is it an imposition?

 

I'm not questioning whether it's an imposition, I'm questioning its effectiveness as a model for relationship.

 

If you see monogamy as ownership of another person and extrapolate from that, isn't polyamory ownership of more than one person? Isn't that a little greedy?

 

How can a relationship with someone who is free to do whatever they want be a form of ownership. How is it greedy if your partner(s) have the same rights as you?

 

I don't understand why safe sex and raising children are excluded from the discussion. They are legitimate benefits.

 

I excluded children because marriage/monogamy may be the best alternative in that case. Not necessarily, but I'm trying to isolate the basic fundamentals of relationship and as we all know, children complicate things.

 

Safe sex is slightly different case but I wanted to exclude it for the purpose a more pure discussion, but we can talk about it too.

 

If you're making a monogamous commitment for the purpose of having unprotected sex then you could also make a commitment to have only safe sex in a non-monogamous relationship. Also, many people who are in MR's (non-monogamous relationships) find out the hard way that the promise of disease-free sex can be broken by a cheating partner. In that case the person in the MR would have been better served by having safe sex anyway.

[threebyfate]

One advantage of monogamy is that the less partners you're juggling at one time, the less likelihood of partnering with a sociopath or serial killer.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

I'm not going to sit here and list all the reasons I like monogamy because of my biology. I just like monogamy dammit. It's like unicorns and rainbows and kittens and puppies in big bows. It's like those first summer nights when the fireflies come out and those nights when you can see every star in the sky. It's the smell of fresh cut grass and when the trees begin to flower in spring. It's like those days you get to the beach and there isn't a soul on it but you. It's when you catch a site of a family of dear or a fox. It's like getting a really amazing deal on a pair of boots at a Nordstrom sale. Monogamy is just good. I like it. And I'm not ashamed of it....dammit.

[xxoo]

For clarity, I'm not necessarily talking about maintaining more than one partnership at a time; I'm promoting freedom which means you have the option of only being with one person at any given time.

 

Don't people already have this option?

 

I know non-monogamous people, both single and married.

[Woggle]

Because sharing an exclusive thing with somebody you really love is one of the best things in the world. I tried my hand at being a player and while it was fun for a little while after an awful first marriage what I have now is much better.