whattodo44 Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 Is this true? In 2003 if I hadn't accidently read my wife's email I wouldn't know she had been corresponding with an ex-lover and later that she was secretly meeting with him. I would have continued to be happy and we would have had a good life. If I hadn't looked in her wallet in March of this year I would have continued to think that she hadn't seen or had any contact with him in 9 years. I would be happy. So, what it boils down to, is if I didn't know what was going on I would be happy. Now I'm very unhappy. Just curious if other people feel this way.
darkmoon Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 hard but must be accepted, the truth is the truth, but then a UK (maybe US too) saying is ignorance is bliss, but to me the truth must be known otherwise i'd be an idiot
TaraMaiden Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 To each his sufferings: all are men, Condemn'd alike to groan— The tender for another's pain, Th' unfeeling for his own. Yet, ah! why should they know their fate, Since sorrow never comes too late, And happiness too swiftly flies? Thought would destroy their Paradise. No more;—where ignorance is bliss, 'Tis folly to be wise. From: 'Ode on a Distant Prospect of Eton College' by Thomas Gray. Who knows? Maybe if you hadn't found out then, you would have found out another time... Liars have to have good memories, and cheats never prosper. And who knows if you would be happy, if you didn't know? To now know - means that question is unanswerable. you can't "un-know" something and find out, can you?
SomedayDig Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 I'd say that depends on one's definition of happiness. Yep, much like you I found out on 3/6/12 that my wife was having an affair. I needed to check my emails and her laptop was already on while mine was off. It was right before bed so I decided to just use hers. Of course, her main page was her email account. I don't know what told me to look at her Trash icon, but I did and I found the hotel receipt from that night. Up until that point I was "happy" or so I thought. Now, that everything is out in the open and our communication has increased immensely, I can honestly say that through the pain and agony of this discovery I am happy. I'm happy that I truly know who she is and not just the "girl of my dreams". I'm happy that we're being open and honest about everything in our marriage. I'm not happy about her affair...that's f'ng for sure. Yet, I'm happy that we are where we are now. Does that make sense? 1
Author whattodo44 Posted April 25, 2012 Author Posted April 25, 2012 I'm happy that we're being open and honest about everything in our marriage. Does that make sense? That makes sense only if you believe that she's being open and honest about everything. Why would you believe that? Why would the fact that she got caught cause her to all of a sudden completely change?
SomedayDig Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 That makes sense only if you believe that she's being open and honest about everything. Why would you believe that? Why would the fact that she got caught cause her to all of a sudden completely change? Because I found ONE hotel receipt. It was HER choice to volunteer that it was a FIVE year affair. In her words, me finding her out was a "relief" that she didn't have to lie/cheat any more. It was an addiction. She spilled everything and answered every question I asked. So, yes...I believe that she's being open and honest about everything.
jphcbpa Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 wow five years good for you guys if you have worked it out
SomedayDig Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 Well jp...we haven't gotten through it all as Dday was just 3/6. We're a long way from it, but we're working at it and she's doing a ton of heavy lifting. Don't wanna T/J this - so back to the topic at hand.
Author whattodo44 Posted April 25, 2012 Author Posted April 25, 2012 She spilled everything and answered every question I asked. I can understand. My W refused to answer any questions and insisted that there was nothing going on. I think I would feel completely different if she had reacted the way your wife did. But why would anyone
ISurvived Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 Yes it will hurt you. Secrets weave their way into every facet of the marriage. One lie begets another lie, begets another lie, and so on. 1
Owl Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 Give this some thought. Would you really have rather not known, and lived on in your marriage in ignorance? I know that some feel that this is what they'd prefer. Are you one of them? Up to you to decide on this...we're all different. Personally...the truth is knowledge, and knowledge gives me freedom to act based on that information. I'd rather know. But I'll acknowledge that not everyone might share that view. 2
nofool4u Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 "What they know won't hurt them" is spouted by chickens###s to justify their cheating. I didn't know about my x-wife's cheating for more than 8 years. Once I found it, it definitely hurt me in the sense that almost a decade of my life was wasted. Thats time during this short life I'll never get back. And in the time she was cheating for years, I was staying home with the kids thinking I was being an understanding husband letting her have her time with friends. I was hurt that I was being used to babysit the kids while she screwed around. And if a cheater thinks that stealing time away from the marriage isn't hurting anything, then its just further proof how utterly stupid they are.
YellowShark Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 And in the time she was cheating for years, I was staying home with the kids thinking I was being an understanding husband letting her have her time with friends. I was hurt that I was being used to babysit the kids while she screwed around. That's the real kicker isn't it. Your perceived reality is one thing, but in actuality -(thanks to the BS)- your life is a total lie.. and you don't even know it. How much more cruel could a person be to their spouse than that? Look them in their eyes and then walk out the door to bang their AP. Takes a real jerk to drive a bus over your loved ones.
Betrayed&Stayed Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 I was living in ignorant bliss for years. Given the choice, I'll take the truth over ignorance every time. My IC asked me what would it feel like if my W never confessed or waited decades longer to tell me. The longer the deception, the harder it is to deal with. Just like the story last year about the 99 yr old Italian man divorcing his wife for her affair 60 years prior. People who don't know better couldn't understand why he divorced her after 77 years of marriage. 1
jnj express Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 Your wife---cheated again, based probably on how you handled her 1st indescretion----there MUST be harsh consequences---if not the cheater will know they can cheat again, cuz the betrayed spouse does nothing about the cheating Unfortunately the consequences have to be hard on everyone involved---but how much can a betrayed spouse take Your mge., has been murdered, your trust is gone, your peace of mind is gone, your carefree days, are gone----and what do you have left----that depends, on whether you want to look/touch/talk to this spouse, who thought nothing of you, who decided you were a basic POS, and someone to be "dissed"------ If you don't wanna know---fine----but the karma bus has a way of finding you----and the results are brutal!!!!!! 1
KathyM Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 I'd rather know the harsh truth than live a lie. I'd rather know who I was married to, rather than some false persona. I'd rather make my own decisions for my life, rather than have those decisions made for me by others unbenownst to me. 2
findingnemo Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 It's really to the cheater's advantage that the BW remain ignorant. The whole A is based on secrecy and stolen moments. The minute it's put in the open it loses its "mystery" and therefore its appeal. The WS must become more open and truthful with the BS and also the AP. The WS must the put in the time and effort to keep whichever R they want going. That's way too much work. That's no fun...and the point of having an A is to have "fun" to a great extent. To enjoy a life they do not have. The only way to do this even when the A is over, is to "believe" that no one is owed the truth. The truth provides other people with the power to make decisions. This is something I believe cheaters work tirelessly against. Ignorance is bliss.. Indeed, for the Cheater, this is his/her motto. For the BS, I fail to see how anyone could think like this. 2
beenburned Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 Knowledge is power! It allows you to make all of your life's decisions based on the truth. Nemo is correct that WS's like to keep everything a secret, so as to control the outcome they desire. However it is always at everyone else's expense!(wife & OW) 1
freestyle Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 "What they know won't hurt them" is spouted by chickens###s to justify their cheating. Yep---that sentence is too often used as a justification in the mind of a cheater. My blood pressure goes up whenever I hear that. I find it horrifically condescending, and patronizing---it presumes that the BS doesn't have the intelligence , or the right to make an accurately informed judgment for him/herself........ESPECIALLY regarding where he/she is investing his/her most precious commodity--- His/her heart. As well as his/her time & energy. It's the worst kind of fraud. I'm very sorry for what you went through, BTW--nofool4u 4
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 Some people love to live with their head in the sand and it's very inconvenient and disconcerting when events happen that force them to remove it. As someone already said, "knowledge is power." I think that there is a such thing as "reality" and life is lived best if people are functioning within it. I've read your past threads. Are you still planning to leave your wife in June?
Megwwood Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 I kind of see where you're coming from. With my husbands first online affair I was completely absorbed and focused on uncovering every detail so there would be no denial or chance to hide anything. When I got suspicious the 2nd time my first thought was, "I don't have the energy for this" I didn't want to spend hours a day chasing him down online, setting up undercover accounts, and having more details burned into my brian. Details of how he was unhappy and the sweet loving things he said to total strangers that he had never said to me. Those are the things that I wish I didn't know, the things that come back and make me question myself and question if maybe I just wasn't good enough to keep his love and attention. The knowledge and journey ultimately make me stronger and more aware of things that I need to do every day to keep my marraige a priority. I would love to trust again with no fear and not question a thing but the reality is we are never going to be there again and I have to take what I know and use it to make us stronger.
Ninja'sHusband Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 Had she contracted an STD and passed it on to you, would you have rather been blissfully ignorant? Or when you found out she was having another man's child. Or that she was leaving you for someone else. Or that you didn't have sex for 5 years because she was secretly involved with someone else. It's a good thing you can nip this in the bud now. 1
SandieBeach Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 I'd totally want to know too...I love hurting...it's awesome
g450 Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 Well for me it's pretty black and white: Would living your entire life in a lie make you happy? That's what it basically comes down to. I would rather have the truth. Deal with it and move on so I can find true happines. But that's just me. 2
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