Author kaityjane Posted April 26, 2012 Author Posted April 26, 2012 A process? Yes and no. To emotionally detach is a process. Blocking his ability to contact you is not. I can anticipate you making a connection between the emotional process and the blocking act. There isn't one really. Because NC is put into place to HELP detach. Every text or email or missed call sets YOU back. So don't allow it. Block him. A simple act which is in no way a process. You do or do not. It's that simple. Weed out those possessions which remind you of the past. Heal. Rebuild. Those are processes. See the difference? Yes, I do. I understand what you are telling me. I get it. My mind needs to process and heal but my hands and feet can just do. okay.
Got it Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 I'm in process of that. Its still all so new. I went to our apartment last night by myself and started bringing home my personal belongings. Its bigger than most perhaps. Much of the things around my home are from him. I've deleted apps from my phone that we share information on. We haven't spoken since. In some ways its more of a divorce than ending an affair. We share an apartment and we've told the landlord we are ending our tenancy but its a process. We aren't texting. Even after three years, we'd text constantly throughout the day and all evening if we werent seeing each other, so its big that we've stopped. I'm learning how to live without him. (((kaity)))) I am terribly sorry for your pain. It is a mourning process and will take time. Eventually blocking him and being NC may be in the best interest for you and your healing. But it takes time, you will stumbling. Just brush yourself off and keep doing what is best for you. Don't doubt yourself, you are stronger than you realize. Sometimes some find it wasier to be LC at first but usually going NC makes it the easiest to move on. It is like riding a sea in a storm, you are trying to keep your head above water as you get pummeled by the waves but eventually the pain will lessen and the sea will calm. (((()))) take care of you and be gentle with yourself.
jwi71 Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 Yes, I do. I understand what you are telling me. I get it. My mind needs to process and heal but my hands and feet can just do. okay. I don't mean to beat ya down or make you feel worse. Be mi df that lingering on the "process" is often false hope. The "I'm not really done, just frustrated. I'll resume the A later. " When you get to the point of "no return" - its easy. (it's easy because there is no point to returning). Keep it up. It's a long hard road. The only way you fail is to quit. No quitting ok?
LadyLost Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 kaityjane, did you see the update from Kismetgirl? If that doesn't give us hope I don't know what will. It's a long post. Read the first and last entries..
Author kaityjane Posted April 26, 2012 Author Posted April 26, 2012 kaityjane, did you see the update from Kismetgirl? If that doesn't give us hope I don't know what will. It's a long post. Read the first and last entries.. Thank you for pointing me there! Just read it, and wept as I did. There's hope. I know it somewhere deep down but gosh, its hard. Other times we tried this, and failed, it was different. This time I know there is no other way, but even that doesn't make it easier. Knowing that there could be joy again is huge. We can do it...theres no other way
Author kaityjane Posted April 26, 2012 Author Posted April 26, 2012 I don't mean to beat ya down or make you feel worse. Be mi df that lingering on the "process" is often false hope. The "I'm not really done, just frustrated. I'll resume the A later. " When you get to the point of "no return" - its easy. (it's easy because there is no point to returning). Keep it up. It's a long hard road. The only way you fail is to quit. No quitting ok? Oh, I don't mind getting beat up a bit :-) necessary in fact. I totally know what you're saying, and yes, I've done that in the past. It was more of a frustration than an actual break up. I am at the point of no return, of this I am sure. I won't quit; I can't. It would kill me to go back. By the end, I was acting crazy, doing crazy irrational things, I could see myself losing it and not being able to do anything about it. Finding LS continues to be a huge force and weapon in fighting this battle. Thank you!
wannabdone Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 Wannabdone, thank you for asking. I'd say I'm just hanging in there, not much more. Lost it a bit last night....questions just go over and over in my mind. I'm sure you understand. The why's, and what happened, and how could I have been so wrong. I gave up soooo much for this man. Plus, he was my best friend, and because of was to a large degree living a secret life, I became very cloistered, and would save all my free time for him; thus, my circle is now very small. I don't feel like I want to get dressed, or go out. I try to be okay when my kids come home from school, but they are definitely wondering whats going on. Coming here helps, a lot. Thank you for what you all do. I want so much to help when I'm on the other side. God, make it come soon. Yup... I understand all of that.
LadyLost Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 KJ, how are you doing today? I hope you are surviving your NC and feeling strong.
Author kaityjane Posted April 28, 2012 Author Posted April 28, 2012 KJ, how are you doing today? I hope you are surviving your NC and feeling strong. Hi! Happy Saturday! hmmm....not fabulous, actually. Just okay. I don't want to pretend on here, seems dumb. I need to be real, and the reality is I have had some contact with him. Not a lot, but some. I know if it was up to him, he'd just go back to the status quo; oh yeah, sure, he misses me, but not enough to do anything about it. I cleaned out the last of my stuff from the apartment today...tough day. I know there is no going back, I won't do that again, but it still seems hard to consider absolutely never hearing from him again. I hope that makes sense. Its the only way though, I'm coming to realize. He's a selfish man, he wants it all. But I do too, just a different all. I want a full-time partner. How are you? Are you doing better than I am?
wannabdone Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 Hi! Happy Saturday! hmmm....not fabulous, actually. Just okay. I don't want to pretend on here, seems dumb. I need to be real, and the reality is I have had some contact with him. Not a lot, but some. I know if it was up to him, he'd just go back to the status quo; oh yeah, sure, he misses me, but not enough to do anything about it. I cleaned out the last of my stuff from the apartment today...tough day. I know there is no going back, I won't do that again, but it still seems hard to consider absolutely never hearing from him again. I hope that makes sense. Its the only way though, I'm coming to realize. He's a selfish man, he wants it all. But I do too, just a different all. I want a full-time partner. How are you? Are you doing better than I am? I'm sorry your hurting.
Author kaityjane Posted April 29, 2012 Author Posted April 29, 2012 I'm sorry your hurting. wannabedone, how did you cope? Did you just do it and never look back. you seem to be so strong. I'm a mess.
twinsmom Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 Kaityjane, Please just take one day at a time. I know you don't know my story, but the gist of it is that I was once the OW, desperately in love with her MM. He up and moved all the way across the country without even the courtesy of telling me he was leaving. It has taken me a few years to get over that betrayal. The MM don't want us. They want the thrill. Sorry to say it, but you're just another casualty.
LadyLost Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 (edited) Hi! Happy Saturday! hmmm....not fabulous, actually. Just okay. I don't want to pretend on here, seems dumb. I need to be real, and the reality is I have had some contact with him. Not a lot, but some. I know if it was up to him, he'd just go back to the status quo; oh yeah, sure, he misses me, but not enough to do anything about it. I cleaned out the last of my stuff from the apartment today...tough day. I know there is no going back, I won't do that again, but it still seems hard to consider absolutely never hearing from him again. I hope that makes sense. Its the only way though, I'm coming to realize. He's a selfish man, he wants it all. But I do too, just a different all. I want a full-time partner. How are you? Are you doing better than I am? Hi KJ, you saw him or just spoke/ texted? I can totally relate to the fact that your MM wants it to go back to status quo. Of course he does. It was a pretty good arrangement for him while it lasted! The thing about NC is that it forces the cards on the table. There are no more mixed messages. Of course he knows you want more, but for as long as you continue in the A (no matter how miserable he knows you are), he still gets all worlds. It must be slowly dawning on him, he must see you really mean action. He knows it's time to show his hand of cards. You cleaned out your appartment (hope you have somewhere else to stay?). You have already shown yourself how strong you can be. There is no going back. So you must move forwards. I hope you mean to go back into NC. We do deserve so much more. You know this. Stay with it girl. Day at a time. I had a difficult day yesterday,but i know there is no going back. Only forwards. I am counting the days (NC day 6). This is more than I have ever done before and I do feel rather proud of myself. I feel pride, but real disappointment that I haven't heard from him. Sounds like your MM is a bit like mine. Missing us terribly, but seemingly their hands are tied. Well, fine. We don't have anything holding us back. We must look forwards. Leave them to their lives. Easier to sound strong when trying to support someone else I hope today is a tiny, tiny bit better than yesterday. Ok, well, I hope it's no worse Edited April 29, 2012 by LadyLost
fallen16 Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 I too left my husband for my MM. Yes the marriage was in trouble before , but my MM felt like my salvation; my rock in a bad situation, I fight every day to let my MM go. Again today, I am fighting not to cry when I see him. I too have found some help from this site---some strength actually. It has been a very long road. Days turned into years...and it has been 4 1/2 years. They make the excuses sound so good don't they? They draw you in when you feel like you are finally getting strong enough to pull away. If you can end it...end it. The pain only gets worse the deeper you fall. No one should settle for this kind of "relationship". No matter what they claim, you will always be the one left behind, left alone on holidays, birthdays and special occasions. his family will always be his priority. you will always be a convenience. I know it sounds harsh, but its true. Sadly, I know it, but still cannot stay away from my MM. every week I try again to break it off for good. So continue to get strength from this site and the people on it. Wannabdone has very good advice. 4
wannabdone Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 wannabedone, how did you cope? Did you just do it and never look back. you seem to be so strong. I'm a mess. I'm not as strong as it seems. I really want us to talk on PM when you can.
Author kaityjane Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 I'm not as strong as it seems. I really want us to talk on PM when you can. I'd like that very much, but I'm not sure how. Do I have to be an established member??
Author kaityjane Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 I too left my husband for my MM. Yes the marriage was in trouble before , but my MM felt like my salvation; my rock in a bad situation, I fight every day to let my MM go. Again today, I am fighting not to cry when I see him. I too have found some help from this site---some strength actually. It has been a very long road. Days turned into years...and it has been 4 1/2 years. They make the excuses sound so good don't they? They draw you in when you feel like you are finally getting strong enough to pull away. If you can end it...end it. The pain only gets worse the deeper you fall. No one should settle for this kind of "relationship". No matter what they claim, you will always be the one left behind, left alone on holidays, birthdays and special occasions. his family will always be his priority. you will always be a convenience. I know it sounds harsh, but its true. Sadly, I know it, but still cannot stay away from my MM. every week I try again to break it off for good. So continue to get strength from this site and the people on it. Wannabdone has very good advice. Wow, that sounds so much like me, its terrifying. Its unimaginable, the pain. I would have never in a million years believed I'd be here at this point. I kept saying I won't go through another birthday, another EAster, or even another event where he and his family entertain people at their home. I have so much to offer, its insane that I'm here, in this ridiculous "relationship". I keep telling myself he must be so selfish to want this for me. But what it really is, is that he wants his life, and me too, and he'll lie and pretend, to get it. God, I want out. My sister says, just leave, do it, don't look back, but she doesn't understand the pull he has on me. I don't even understand it, so how can she.
Author kaityjane Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 Hi KJ, you saw him or just spoke/ texted? I can totally relate to the fact that your MM wants it to go back to status quo. Of course he does. It was a pretty good arrangement for him while it lasted! The thing about NC is that it forces the cards on the table. There are no more mixed messages. Of course he knows you want more, but for as long as you continue in the A (no matter how miserable he knows you are), he still gets all worlds. It must be slowly dawning on him, he must see you really mean action. He knows it's time to show his hand of cards. You cleaned out your appartment (hope you have somewhere else to stay?). You have already shown yourself how strong you can be. There is no going back. So you must move forwards. I hope you mean to go back into NC. We do deserve so much more. You know this. Stay with it girl. Day at a time. I had a difficult day yesterday,but i know there is no going back. Only forwards. I am counting the days (NC day 6). This is more than I have ever done before and I do feel rather proud of myself. I feel pride, but real disappointment that I haven't heard from him. Sounds like your MM is a bit like mine. Missing us terribly, but seemingly their hands are tied. Well, fine. We don't have anything holding us back. We must look forwards. Leave them to their lives. Easier to sound strong when trying to support someone else I hope today is a tiny, tiny bit better than yesterday. Ok, well, I hope it's no worse Hi Ladylost, I hope day 7 is going okay. Yes, I need total NC for this to work; I'm just to attached to him to do it any other way, and have it work. I struggle with so many questions. Yes, I have my own home, as does he, but we've also had a secret apartment for about a year. He always said he intended on moving into it eventually. uh huh. He furnished it and everything...so crazy. You're right though, its like his hands are now tied...he's shown his cards, and theres nothing left to play. I find getting angry makes it easier for me, but I'm not good at angry, and I'm a bit weird that way. Its like I don't want it to end angry or that makes all our memories turn into nothing. I'd rather us go out on good terms so the last three years of my life weren't a total waste, even though of course they were. Good luck today. There's a beautiful life waiting for us around the corner. 1
fallen16 Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 I am pulling for you. I know the pain all too well. I have not managed to pull away but I hope you find the strength to do it. Last night was another night where all I did was cry. Part of me knows what he has taken from me and the wasted time crying, but the pain is so real. I cannot do NC as I work with my MM, very closely. Quitting is not an option although I have been desperately looking. Transfer is not an option either as there are no such thing in my company. For me this sight helps give me some strength during the day when I feel the pull. These men know very well how to make you feel sorry for them and how to keep you drawn to them, they have all the right things to say. They make you feel like your relationship is different than what these OW are going through! But, its all the same! I know it and I still cannot seem to get out of it! NC is the only way and until I find a new job I fear I will be in a vortex of on again off again. But I am pulling for you to make a break and find some real happiness with someone who is free to love you and share with you.
Author kaityjane Posted May 2, 2012 Author Posted May 2, 2012 Good morning. ugh....what else can I say. I'm having this bizarre and I know irrational thought process that it feels so unfair that he just gets to go back to his nice life. It's like I want him to feel at least a little pain. We never had a D day and it kind of makes me angry that we didn't. I always wanted her to find out....I was never scared of it. I used to think to myself, just pick up his phone, or open the mail, or follow him, or a million other things. But she never did. It amazed me. He's an incredibly good liar, of course. She thinks he's the most loyal, trusting man in the world. I know its terrible, I really do, but if I could get away with it without him knowing its me, I'd find a way to tell her. Please don't think I'm awful, I won't do it, but the truth is i want to.
LoveTKO Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 Good morning. ugh....what else can I say. I'm having this bizarre and I know irrational thought process that it feels so unfair that he just gets to go back to his nice life. It's like I want him to feel at least a little pain. We never had a D day and it kind of makes me angry that we didn't. I always wanted her to find out....I was never scared of it. I used to think to myself, just pick up his phone, or open the mail, or follow him, or a million other things. But she never did. It amazed me. He's an incredibly good liar, of course. She thinks he's the most loyal, trusting man in the world. I know its terrible, I really do, but if I could get away with it without him knowing its me, I'd find a way to tell her. Please don't think I'm awful, I won't do it, but the truth is i want to. Wow! He must indeed be a great con artist or she just sticks her head in the sand and lives in denial. Don't do anything desperate to hurt her because why should she get hurt?? That's not your call to make. The MW in my life gets questioned a lot! She a terrible liar too, so that work against her. Some people can lie with a straight face about anything without batting an eye.
jwi71 Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 Good morning. ugh....what else can I say. I'm having this bizarre and I know irrational thought process that it feels so unfair that he just gets to go back to his nice life. It's like I want him to feel at least a little pain. We never had a D day and it kind of makes me angry that we didn't. I always wanted her to find out....I was never scared of it. I used to think to myself, just pick up his phone, or open the mail, or follow him, or a million other things. But she never did. It amazed me. He's an incredibly good liar, of course. She thinks he's the most loyal, trusting man in the world. I know its terrible, I really do, but if I could get away with it without him knowing its me, I'd find a way to tell her. Please don't think I'm awful, I won't do it, but the truth is i want to. So what's stopping you?
Sheila123 Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 Hi there Like yourself I have been reading this for a while but never plucked the courage up to answer.I had an affair with a married man for 8 years.We were both married and at first I was happy with this but I fell in love with him.He didn't feel the same so he dumped me.However we still meet up and have sex regularly.I keep hoping that he will change his mind because I still love him. You have lost a lot. I did too.Bottom line is that he will never leave his wife and you have to move on and have no contact with him or you will end up like me.Sitting alone waiting on the phone ringing or an email or that visit.
spice4life Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 The truth is kaityjane is that if you can't handle an affair for what it is then you need to get out. It's as simple as that. He has already made his position clear through inaction, so if you can't just enjoy him for the sex without getting attached there is no point in staying involved. If his wife finds out he will promptly throw you under the bus and twist things against you just to save his "ass"ets. I'm not condoning affairs, just merely stating what they are. You CANNOT have any expectations what-so-ever when you are involved with a MP. When you do you only end up getting hurt.
Bellechica Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 Kaityjane, I hear it gets easier the longer you stay NC. What are you doing to stay busy? What are you doing for YOU?
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