Author kaityjane Posted April 25, 2012 Author Posted April 25, 2012 PeineDeCoeur, thank you, I just signed up. Any offer of help is always appreciated. Yes, my drug of choice is texting...and staying away from texting him is extremely difficult. Its always how we communicated. We spent inordinate amounts of time together, seeing each other at least 5 or 6 times a week. Everyone in my family knows of him, some have even met him....no one knowing he was married. Insane. His sisters knows, and my sister. Thats it. I struggle with the fact that I have to try desperately to pick up the pieces of my shattered life, while he will just go on with his. His wife never found out, which has always amazed me, considering his level of deception. But I know, especially after reading posts on here, that that isn't my issue. My issue is fixing me. Thanks again!
skywriter Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 Kaityjane, I've never considered this but, hey, it might be a necessary means. Anyway, about the texting, when you get the overwhelming urge to text. Type it out and save it, don't send it. Then after the urge subsides, read it to yourself, and delete it. Just a thought, can't hurt.
truthbetold Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 Fitz, thank you for your thoughts. I've read some of your other posts so I expect to get from you the cold hard truth, and its appreciated. Very much what is needed at times. I agree that he was "performing" to some degree. As was I probably too. We all do in life from time to time. I always knew he had to be someone at home that maybe I wouldn't recognize, I suppose. However, to say "he probably liked you in some capacity" made me laugh. Harsh, and most likely not true. He loved me. Of that there is no doubt. Because he chose not to leave his wife and children doesn't change that fact. Its the reality, and possibly what makes this so difficult. Life is often not about easy, clear choices. He made is, now its my turn. Oh KJ I hope you don't REALLY believe that. BC if you do you'll have a askewed perception of love. You need to say he loved you but add "in his way" which isn't really LOVE at all, or he wouldn't have been selfish in having an affair knowing it could and would hurt you. REAL LOVE doesn't hurt. It just doesn't Even if that's something you want to block right now because it hurts to much to come to grips with, I hope you'll revisit it when you can. Otherwise it'll be so much harder to know what you do want in a man and what absolutely NOT to settle for. If you think that his way of loving is good enough and right, it'll set the stage for possibly more heartbreak but definately more inward dissatisfacion in a future relationship because you'll excuse bad behavior "for love". Heal yourself first, happiness always, always come from within, not outside circumstances or people. 2
Author kaityjane Posted April 25, 2012 Author Posted April 25, 2012 Truthbetold....I weep as I read your words. I feel so alone. How could I have been so deceived. Its such irony, I've never felt so loved, and now so alone. He wrote me today to say he's never loved anyone like he has me...and yet reading your words, I know youre right, of course. I can't accept what he gave me as love. I won't ever heal if I do. Thank you for your honesty and insight. 1
Gentlegirl2 Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 KJ, When you get your head around the fact that it was an AFFAIR you will start to see with more clairty. It's was fantasy and living in a fantasy is unsustainable. I feel your pain. GG
Fitz Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 However, to say "he probably liked you in some capacity" made me laugh. Harsh, and most likely not true. He loved me. Of that there is no doubt. Because he chose not to leave his wife and children doesn't change that fact. You want do believe that he truly "loved" you in order to validate the emotional investment you made in having an affair with a married man. Because the "validation of love" trophy is really all you have left to show after the affair is over. Without it, you'd be even more empty handed than you already are. Yeah, he probably "loved" you in the broad sense of the word. Like you "love" a close friend. But that's about it. "Like" or "Love" -Sure, call it whatever word you want to. But that doesn't change what it is. You can argue over the semantics -if that makes you feel better. But what is "love" if it has no backbone or muscle? If it has no power? If it can't get a man to stop hiding in the shadows and choose you? And be honest! What is love that doesn't last or add up to anything? What kind of love is that? Yes, we all understand that life is complicated. But there is always a "bottom line" at the end of the day. Even though we may not like what the math adds up to. 2
Author kaityjane Posted April 25, 2012 Author Posted April 25, 2012 thank you GG, I understand. He would always say it wasnt an affair, it was a relationship. Ours was unique etc. He'd call me his fiance or wife, and I'd eat it up. Because we were so heavily involved in each others lives, it had become that to me; a relationship. A dysfunctional one at that. And yes, untenable at best. Clarity is exactly what I need, thank you.
Author kaityjane Posted April 25, 2012 Author Posted April 25, 2012 Fitz, you hit it on the head. You're 100% right. What you wrote completely resonates with me...I just want to believe it was more because the reality that it isnt is pretty shocking. Wow. Waking up is tough...but necessary.
stillwater Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 It seems to me some posters here often imply that MM/MW are intentionally using the OP, that they're aware they're lying when they say they'll leave, that it's all a big deception. I'm sure some are like this, but I really believe that there are people out there that are truly too weak to leave a situation they no longer want to be in. Guilt is a powerful thing. I mean in the end it doesn't matter, I wouldn't want to be with someone so weak just like I wouldn't want to be with someone so malicious. Just thinking out loud, and maybe trying to make myself feel a little better too As for love, he may have thought he loved you and at times I'm sure it felt that way. It sure did with my MW. But then I took a step back and thought about the pain she knew I was in, and it didn't matter to her, and I realized that's not love. And if she can be so callous to my pain now, why would she be any different if we were together? Not to mention the pain she was knowingly putting her H through too. Empathy can't be taught. 2
truthbetold Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 It seems to me some posters here often imply that MM/MW are intentionally using the OP, that they're aware they're lying when they say they'll leave, that it's all a big deception. I'm sure some are like this, but I really believe that there are people out there that are truly too weak to leave a situation they no longer want to be in. Guilt is a powerful thing. I mean in the end it doesn't matter, I wouldn't want to be with someone so weak just like I wouldn't want to be with someone so malicious. Just thinking out loud, and maybe trying to make myself feel a little better too As for love, he may have thought he loved you and at times I'm sure it felt that way. It sure did with my MW. But then I took a step back and thought about the pain she knew I was in, and it didn't matter to her, and I realized that's not love. And if she can be so callous to my pain now, why would she be any different if we were together? Not to mention the pain she was knowingly putting her H through too. Empathy can't be taught. That's the point of it though. People in affairs are too broken to see that they have zero idea of love. That was the point of my previous post to KJ. Real love doesn't hurt it just doesn't. To say it "sometimes" does is denial and not wanting to see the truth because at the time it seems to hurt too much. But true growth is born from pain. Once you get that, the true healing can begin and you can find and recognize real love. People in affairs not only have poor coping skills, they have no idea of "real love" only THEIR version of love, which is vastly different than real true love.
Fitz Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 (edited) He would always say it wasnt an affair, it was a relationship. Ours was unique etc. He'd call me his fiance or wife, and I'd eat it up. Because we were so heavily involved in each others lives, it had become that to me; a relationship. Its called "Future Faking." Realize that most people understand that cheating is wrong. So how do otherwise moral women get so caught up in affairs? Because of "Future faking." The trick is getting the woman to believe the MM is committed to a future with her. Once an otherwise moral woman is convinced an affair has a "real" future, then she'll willingly (and happily) allow the rules to be bent temporarily in the name of "true love." Future-faking eases the guilt pursing a married man and it legitimizes an otherwise immoral relationship. And so then the otherwise moral woman can dive head first into an immoral affair. The problem arises when the "future faking" never pans out. And the MM is ultimately forced to make good on his promises. Predictably, when the MM can't make good on his promises, then he'll dump the OW -in the most heartfelt and polite way he can, of course, to keep her from exposing the affair to his wife/family. Not all women go into affairs this way. But for many women "future faking" creates a moral loop hole, which allows an affair to take place. Edited April 25, 2012 by Fitz 1
wannabdone Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 KJ... how are you doing so far? You hanging in there?
Artie Lang Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 (edited) wow. three years to be checked-out of your marriage is a long peroid. you've been gone a substantial amount of time. then again, anything is possible. i'm wondering if the only reason you're pursuing your marriage(reconciliation), is because you were mislead about a future with OM. that doesn't sound too appealing for your estranged husband. i'd be thinking i was the consolation prize, if i were him. just sayin'. you have a lot of hard work ahead of you, not only in regaining your "supposed" marriage, but feeling better about yourself-- self-esteem wise. the one thing that bothers me with you sitch is the reason for ending it. i mean, you didn't fall out of love with the OM.....it just didn't work out in your favor. this tells me, he will always be in your consciousness as the one you really want to be with. doesn't bode well for hubby. no way would i want to be considered "runner-up" in the race for your love. good luck. Edited April 26, 2012 by Artie Lang
CH66209 Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 Artie. Can i possibly send you a personal message? I'd like your opinion on something that I'd rather not post publicly. I dont have PM privileges on LS yet because I'm too new to the site. My email is [email protected] Thank you, CH.
Gentlegirl2 Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 thank you GG, I understand. He would always say it wasnt an affair, it was a relationship. Ours was unique etc. He'd call me his fiance or wife, and I'd eat it up. Because we were so heavily involved in each others lives, it had become that to me; a relationship. A dysfunctional one at that. And yes, untenable at best. Clarity is exactly what I need, thank you. You are wlecome. xMM bought me a gold ring as a token of his ever lasting commitment to me. He forgot to add the proviso of "until my wife me doth me on the phone to thee spring". I ate it up too because I was alone and sad at that time. I laugh when I look back at what he used to say... such an eejit. I hope you can laugh at your xMM's fantastic statements too in the future. GG
woinlove Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 I agree with other posters, kj, that this isn't the time to think about trying to get your H back. I think you need to focus on yourself, your past choices, your self-esteem. Trying to get your H back under conditions Artie mentions, as a fallback, isn't just negative for your H but for you, as you are likely to fall into the same patterns again. You don't want to go through all this again and the way to ensure that is to work on yourself.
JustJoe Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 Woinlove is absolutely right. You need to make yourself a more confident, and moral woman, so that any future relationship you have will be based on true integrity and love. I know that you feel guilty about your kids, but they will be much better off with an honest and mature mother, than a selfish, insecure one. Your estranged husband deserves better, too. Remember, there is a huge difference between self-improvement and selfish behavior. With self-improvement, you are working to make yourself a better wife, mother, friend and partner, for the sake of your relationships with others. Selfish behavior is when you don't consider others in your thinking.
imperfectangel Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 Kaityjane, I've never considered this but, hey, it might be a necessary means. Anyway, about the texting, when you get the overwhelming urge to text. Type it out and save it, don't send it. Then after the urge subsides, read it to yourself, and delete it. Just a thought, can't hurt. I just wanted to say this is what I'm doing and it does work! That way in still getting my feelings out I think sometimes NC is harder because you're trying to keep everything inside
Author kaityjane Posted April 26, 2012 Author Posted April 26, 2012 wow. three years to be checked-out of your marriage is a long peroid. you've been gone a substantial amount of time. then again, anything is possible. i'm wondering if the only reason you're pursuing your marriage(reconciliation), is because you were mislead about a future with OM. that doesn't sound too appealing for your estranged husband. i'd be thinking i was the consolation prize, if i were him. just sayin'. you have a lot of hard work ahead of you, not only in regaining your "supposed" marriage, but feeling better about yourself-- self-esteem wise. the one thing that bothers me with you sitch is the reason for ending it. i mean, you didn't fall out of love with the OM.....it just didn't work out in your favor. this tells me, he will always be in your consciousness as the one you really want to be with. doesn't bode well for hubby. no way would i want to be considered "runner-up" in the race for your love. good luck. Artie, thank you for your thoughts. Yes, I know I need to "fix" me before I even consider a different or past relationship. I was married to my husband for 20 years, and during that time he had more than one affair. We went to counselling, worked on our marriage and carried on. It was three years ago, that once again I realized we were heading down that same path. It was then that I met my current xmm, and because I didn't feel I could end my marriage because of my children, I mistakenly entered into this affair. I so desperately wanted to feel wanted again. And he did this. Its not an excuse, its just what happened. So, we "dated" for a year and a half when I finally asked my husband for a separation. During this year of separation, he says he's changed....I have no idea. This breaking off with my xmm is not only because it didn't "work out", its because there is a part of me, because of my background, that believes the "right" thing to do, is to try yet one more time. Possibly more for my children than me. I want to be able to love him, but when someone takes something beautiful, like a marriage, and stomps on it long enough, sometimes it dies.
Author kaityjane Posted April 26, 2012 Author Posted April 26, 2012 You are wlecome. xMM bought me a gold ring as a token of his ever lasting commitment to me. He forgot to add the proviso of "until my wife me doth me on the phone to thee spring". I ate it up too because I was alone and sad at that time. I laugh when I look back at what he used to say... such an eejit. I hope you can laugh at your xMM's fantastic statements too in the future. GG Gentlegirl.....perfect. "fantastic statements". Wow, so him. Said the most amazing and astounding things to me. Took me places, showed me things, gave my gifts, loved on me....all in ways I'd never new existed. Tough to rid the mind of the tricks it plays. Its super helpful though to now know he wasn't the only one saying them; and I wasn't the only one believing them.
Author kaityjane Posted April 26, 2012 Author Posted April 26, 2012 Its called "Future Faking." Realize that most people understand that cheating is wrong. So how do otherwise moral women get so caught up in affairs? Because of "Future faking." The trick is getting the woman to believe the MM is committed to a future with her. Once an otherwise moral woman is convinced an affair has a "real" future, then she'll willingly (and happily) allow the rules to be bent temporarily in the name of "true love." Future-faking eases the guilt pursing a married man and it legitimizes an otherwise immoral relationship. And so then the otherwise moral woman can dive head first into an immoral affair. The problem arises when the "future faking" never pans out. And the MM is ultimately forced to make good on his promises. Predictably, when the MM can't make good on his promises, then he'll dump the OW -in the most heartfelt and polite way he can, of course, to keep her from exposing the affair to his wife/family. Not all women go into affairs this way. But for many women "future faking" creates a moral loop hole, which allows an affair to take place. Good morning Fitz, yup, future faking. Brilliant. Its what kept me going when my true moral self said stop. "but its not an affair, its love", its "meant to be". "we're building a future together". even "the kids will be so happy when we are all together as a family". Argh.....
jwi71 Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 KJ, Why do you still accept texts from the MM? Why do you read them? Have you scrubbed your home of memories and momentos? Ultimately, why have you NOT acted to keep him from contacting you? Why do you keep, provided that you do, reminders of his myth around you?
Author kaityjane Posted April 26, 2012 Author Posted April 26, 2012 KJ... how are you doing so far? You hanging in there? Wannabdone, thank you for asking. I'd say I'm just hanging in there, not much more. Lost it a bit last night....questions just go over and over in my mind. I'm sure you understand. The why's, and what happened, and how could I have been so wrong. I gave up soooo much for this man. Plus, he was my best friend, and because of was to a large degree living a secret life, I became very cloistered, and would save all my free time for him; thus, my circle is now very small. I don't feel like I want to get dressed, or go out. I try to be okay when my kids come home from school, but they are definitely wondering whats going on. Coming here helps, a lot. Thank you for what you all do. I want so much to help when I'm on the other side. God, make it come soon. 1
Author kaityjane Posted April 26, 2012 Author Posted April 26, 2012 KJ, Why do you still accept texts from the MM? Why do you read them? Have you scrubbed your home of memories and momentos? Ultimately, why have you NOT acted to keep him from contacting you? Why do you keep, provided that you do, reminders of his myth around you? I'm in process of that. Its still all so new. I went to our apartment last night by myself and started bringing home my personal belongings. Its bigger than most perhaps. Much of the things around my home are from him. I've deleted apps from my phone that we share information on. We haven't spoken since. In some ways its more of a divorce than ending an affair. We share an apartment and we've told the landlord we are ending our tenancy but its a process. We aren't texting. Even after three years, we'd text constantly throughout the day and all evening if we werent seeing each other, so its big that we've stopped. I'm learning how to live without him. 1
jwi71 Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 I'm in process of that. Its still all so new. I went to our apartment last night by myself and started bringing home my personal belongings. Its bigger than most perhaps. Much of the things around my home are from him. I've deleted apps from my phone that we share information on. We haven't spoken since. In some ways its more of a divorce than ending an affair. We share an apartment and we've told the landlord we are ending our tenancy but its a process. We aren't texting. Even after three years, we'd text constantly throughout the day and all evening if we werent seeing each other, so its big that we've stopped. I'm learning how to live without him. A process? Yes and no. To emotionally detach is a process. Blocking his ability to contact you is not. I can anticipate you making a connection between the emotional process and the blocking act. There isn't one really. Because NC is put into place to HELP detach. Every text or email or missed call sets YOU back. So don't allow it. Block him. A simple act which is in no way a process. You do or do not. It's that simple. Weed out those possessions which remind you of the past. Heal. Rebuild. Those are processes. See the difference?
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