Day One - I have to do this

[kaityjane]

Any offerings gladly accepted. I'm fairly new here, been reading other peoples posts for a while now while I gather the courage to do what I knew I had to. Now its my turn....oh god, I'm so scared, and sad. I broke it off last night. Three years. I waited, and loved, and hoped, and changed my life for him, and begged, and grew more and more impatient, and not myself. Until I realized about a week ago, that it was never going to happen. No, I must have known long ago, but I just kept secretly hoping for a miracle. I've never considered it a drug until I read that here. And now it feels exactly right. Like I need my fix of him. But knowing it will kill me in the end.

I left my husband for him. 16 months ago. He was supposed to do the same. But didn't. Came up with every excuse imaginable. I've never experienced highs like I did with him. But also lows; I need to remember the lows. Maybe I have a chance to reconcile with my husband, maybe I'm not too late. But if I fall from NC, I've lost that chance. We tried this once before and failed miserably. This time I can't fail. Please, any help you can give, I need. I'm dying. How do I face the nights without him. Or the weekends. What do I find to look forward to, if not him?

[wannabdone]

Hi KJ...

 

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I know how hard it is. But you are taking the first step of regaining YOUR life.

 

Promises, promises, promises.... excuses, after excuses, after excuses.... I heard them all. I understand what you are saying. Its amazing how the time flies by, you waiting, them promising, and boom its been years.

 

Its going to be hard. I wouldn't concentrate on your xH right now. I would concentrate on you. Healing and getting better. If you don't, you will never have a chance at any relationship.

 

I too left my xH for my xMM. And he never did... and never did and...never did. 10 years later, I look at myself and think WTF? Where has the time gone? And why am I still sitting here buying these excuses. It just got ridiuculous.

 

Just remember, he's not leaving... and thats not going to work for you. You don't have to hate him. But you just have to remember what the reality is. And know that you deserve more.

 

Do you and your xH have children? What has been xMM's excuses to not leave?

[Fitz]

I've never experienced highs like I did with him. But also lows; I need to remember the lows.

 

I'm curious.

 

What were these "highs"? And why didn't these "highs" happen with your husband?

 

Was it the ego gratification of being chased by forbidden fruit?

Or was there more to it?

[kaityjane]

You have no idea what it means to me to hear from you. And funny, I especially wanted to hear from you after reading some of your words from other posts. You understand. I will read and reread what you just wrote to me. Its strong, important advice. Yes, we have two children. It has been very difficult for them, but they are doing well. My marriage was in trouble when I left, for other reasons, but if I'm honest, I would have tried harder to work on it if there was no MM. He was saving me from a bad marriage, I thought at the time. Oh gosh, you name it, he's amazing at excuses and somehow making me feel less of a person for questioning him. He changed jobs, his kids, his dad was sick, his wife would be devastated, our history, you name it. But always found a way to keep me on the hook. It would just take him saying something like, we should go away this summer, and I'd be satisfied. I grabbled every crumb he threw my way. When we broke up about six months ago, we had our "final date" (dumb idea), and he cried like I've never seen a man cry. I realize now though, that even through that, it didn't make him leave. Nothing seemed to. My whole world revolves around him. Ive let friendships go, interests fade, everything. Its good advice about not running back to my husband. I'm just worried I'm going to be to late when I do. But I'm so unhealthy right now. I have been for some time. Thank you so much, feeling you out there is huge.

[kaityjane]

No. the highs were the relationship itself. Feeling so in love that no one could possibly relate. So connected to someone. The best dates, the best conversation, the best trips, the best intimacy....truly feeling like he was my "one". Hearing things from someone I'd never heard before. How beautiful I am, how he couldn't imagine living without me. Really believing that we were unique in every way. Huge high's. No, never about forbidden fruit. I wanted nothing more than him doing the right thing. As he constantly promised he would.

[LadyLost]

Kaityjane, both first posters today.. Your story sounds heartbreaking.

Wannabdone should be a full time counsellor. Her advise is sound. I think the hardest thing is about getting clear in your head that he is not leaving. None of us know the future, but figuring out in our minds that right now he isn't coming I guess is the first step to recovery.

Good luck and take care

[kaityjane]

Wannabdone, also, he's Irish, from Belfast :-)

[kaityjane]

LadyLost, thankyou. Theres something about this place that helps. Knowing others have some understanding of what we're going through. Its really big, you're right, and clearly what I need to focus on. He is not going to leave. If he was, he would have. I have two beautiful children; the fact that Ive taken so much of their time with him, breaks my heart. Lots of soul searching.

[wannabdone]

You have no idea what it means to me to hear from you. And funny, I especially wanted to hear from you after reading some of your words from other posts. You understand. I will read and reread what you just wrote to me. Its strong, important advice. Yes, we have two children. It has been very difficult for them, but they are doing well. My marriage was in trouble when I left, for other reasons, but if I'm honest, I would have tried harder to work on it if there was no MM. He was saving me from a bad marriage, I thought at the time. Oh gosh, you name it, he's amazing at excuses and somehow making me feel less of a person for questioning him. He changed jobs, his kids, his dad was sick, his wife would be devastated, our history, you name it. But always found a way to keep me on the hook. It would just take him saying something like, we should go away this summer, and I'd be satisfied. I grabbled every crumb he threw my way. When we broke up about six months ago, we had our "final date" (dumb idea), and he cried like I've never seen a man cry. I realize now though, that even through that, it didn't make him leave. Nothing seemed to. My whole world revolves around him. Ive let friendships go, interests fade, everything. Its good advice about not running back to my husband. I'm just worried I'm going to be to late when I do. But I'm so unhealthy right now. I have been for some time. Thank you so much, feeling you out there is huge.

 

 

Been there, heard all of that, have the t-shirt.

 

It is amazing how any little crumb we will hold on to for dear life. Its so degrading.

 

I too would have worked harder on my M if not for my xMM. Don't beat yourself up about what could have been or should have been. I have done that for years.... and it has done me zero good.

 

I'm so happy that my messed up crap could help someone else... you have no idea how good that made me feel. Thank you.

 

You can PM me anytime, if you want to talk or work through things. I always want to help someone if I can.

 

I'm so very proud of you!!!!

[wannabdone]

No. the highs were the relationship itself. Feeling so in love that no one could possibly relate. So connected to someone. The best dates, the best conversation, the best trips, the best intimacy....truly feeling like he was my "one". Hearing things from someone I'd never heard before. How beautiful I am, how he couldn't imagine living without me. Really believing that we were unique in every way. Huge high's. No, never about forbidden fruit. I wanted nothing more than him doing the right thing. As he constantly promised he would.

 

I was the same way. In fact HATED being forbidden. I wanted to shout it from the roof tops. I wanted to be with him every day of my life and be his partner and wife. I thought he wanted the same..... minds can really play tricks on you when you want things so badly.

[wannabdone]

Wannabdone, also, he's Irish, from Belfast :-)

 

 

Oh jeez.... well, he presistant then if anything.

[kaityjane]

Thank you Wannabdone! You're amazing... I feel like I found a friend, and someone who totally gets it. OMG, yes, I want to scream, I'm here!! I matter! I want to be the one on the pedestal with the wife badge, not put away in the closet.

He always called me his wife, bought me wife cards on Valentines day and Christmas. We even had/have our own apartment. Unreal huh?

[wannabdone]

Thank you Wannabdone! You're amazing... I feel like I found a friend, and someone who totally gets it. OMG, yes, I want to scream, I'm here!! I matter! I want to be the one on the pedestal with the wife badge, not put away in the closet.

He always called me his wife, bought me wife cards on Valentines day and Christmas. We even had/have our own apartment. Unreal huh?

 

 

Yes unreal... but not unreal with these things. Anything to keep you on the hook.

 

By the way... you are here and you do matter... and you DO deserve to be put on the pedestal. So, lets make that happen for you. Cuz its not going to happen with this guy. You deserve the best!!!!!

[TigerCub]

Hi KJ

 

I see your pain in your post and its heartbreaking

 

I'm a fan of the list.

Make a list of all the crappy things he's done to you, all the ways he's made you feel so terrible, all the lies you know he's told you.

 

put all of that on the list and put that list by your phone (if you have a land line), or just put it somewhere where you will see it, if you get the urge to contact him.

 

Having that list really helps keep things in perspective when we are at our weakest and we're just craving these people so badly.

 

I used to even exaggerate things and tell myself things like

"He never loved you"

"It was all a game for him"

"He thinks you're a fool for putting up with his crap"

 

stuff like that made me really want to hold on to whatever self worth I had, it made me really want to fight for me.

 

Even if it may not all be true, one thing that I know is true is No one is where they don't want to be.

 

You have to really understand that, and I hope that although it may cause you pain, it will also give you the strength you need to face the facts and move on.

 

Also, block him, his number, his email, everything.

 

He doesn't deserve to have someone out there wasting year after year waiting for him and loving him, and its cruel for him to even expect it.

 

Good luck to you

[skywriter]

Ho kaityjane,

 

Wow! An apartment! I can imagine that you are struggling.

 

There is so much push, pull dynamics in this type of a relationship. The NC eventually becomes a relief. I hope that you will be able to find this relief through all the obsessive thinking that you will do as well.

 

You can face the nights without him, you just consider where his nights are being spent. Having just one confidante, that is patient and willing to let you vent can be a lifesaver. Call them if you feel weak or post here.

 

I'm sure you've read all the post and suggestions here, so just keep those in mind too.

 

It's hard, I know. Don't consider yourself a failure if you happen to have contact. Just stand your ground and continue on. The failure would be getting back into it and allowing him to be a cake eater at your expense.

 

Good luck to you.

[skywriter]

Even if it may not all be true, one thing that I know is true is No one is where they don't want to be.

This is so true Kaityjane, and you are witness to this from your own marital situation. Just tell yourself the things that keep you strong and be kind to yourself when you are having weak moments.

[kaityjane]

Tigerclub, thank you. I'm going to do it right now. I've never heard of the list before. Mine would be long...it was only recently I started doubting things he was telling me, so I started obsessively checking on his stories, and not surprisingly, he was almost always lying. Of course, this means he always was, I just didn't check. I will post my list on my cell, thank you!

[kaityjane]

Skywriter, amazing advice. I'm blown away by this forum, and knowing people can actually relate to what I'm going through. I never thought it was possible. With tears streaming down my face as I write, i'm grateful. And yes! The push and pull dynamics over the past few weeks especially, may help in this NC period. I hope it goes fast. I have my sister, and you guys. I'm blessed that way. No one is where they don't want to be. You're right.

[TigerCub]

Tigerclub, thank you. I'm going to do it right now. I've never heard of the list before. Mine would be long...it was only recently I started doubting things he was telling me, so I started obsessively checking on his stories, and not surprisingly, he was almost always lying. Of course, this means he always was, I just didn't check. I will post my list on my cell, thank you!

 

Honey, my list was 2 pages long (single spaced) and that was with me not being nit picky - so imagine if I was

 

And, my whole experience with xMM was barely a year of knowing him and less in the A itself.

 

I'm glad you're going to try different things.

If anything, writing down the list, may actually help you get to the anger phase and that in turn can fuel your determination to put you first.

 

***HUGS***

[Fitz]

No. the highs were the relationship itself. Feeling so in love that no one could possibly relate. So connected to someone. The best dates, the best conversation, the best trips, the best intimacy....truly feeling like he was my "one". Hearing things from someone I'd never heard before. How beautiful I am, how he couldn't imagine living without me. Really believing that we were unique in every way. Huge high's. No, never about forbidden fruit. I wanted nothing more than him doing the right thing. As he constantly promised he would.

 

Interesting. Thanks for sharing your perspective.

 

Perhaps, he does truly believe that you are beautiful. And perhaps he also truly enjoyed your conversations etc. but you must realize that leading a double life is by nature a performance. Just like any theater show. And all married men who cheat are performers.

 

Some married men are performing in order to get sex. Some perform in order to get attention. Some perform in order to feel less alone. But by nature every cheating MM puts on a performance. One show for the wife. Another show for the OW. No different than Richard Gere professing his love for Julia Roberts in front of a movie camera. Does Richard Gere the actor enjoy kissing Julia Roberts the actor? Probably! Does he love her as a person? Sure! But its still a role being played.

 

The problem in affairs is that many OW don't realize they're participating in a performance. Until it's too late...

 

Don't get me wrong: I'm not saying that cheating MM aren't emotionally invested in an affair. Some are to a degree. But I'm saying there are ulterior motives (sex, ego, companionship) are in play that give the cheating MM an incentive to ham up their performance. To really tear into the role of "passionate lover."

 

Sure, he probably liked you in some compacity.

But part of the relationship was a performance.

Edited April 25, 2012 by Fitz

[TigerCub]

Interesting. Thanks for sharing your perspective.

 

Perhaps, he does truly believe that you are beautiful. And perhaps he also truly enjoyed your conversations etc. but you must realize that leading a double life is by nature a performance. Just like any theater show. And all married men who cheat are performers.

 

Some married men are performing in order to get sex. Some perform in order to get attention. Some perform in order to feel less alone. But by nature every cheating MM puts on a performance. One show for the wife. Another show for the OW. No different than Richard Gere professing his love for Julia Roberts in front of a movie camera. Does Richard Gere the actor enjoy kissing Julia Roberts the actor? Probably! Does he love her as a person? Sure! But its still a role being played.

 

The problem in affairs is that many OW don't realize they're participating in a performance. Until it's too late...

 

Don't get me wrong: I'm not saying that cheating MM aren't emotionally invested in an affair. Some are to a degree. But I'm saying there are ulterior motives (sex, ego, companionship) are in play that give the cheating MM an incentive to ham up their performance. To really tear into the role of "passionate lover."

 

Sure, he probably liked you in some compacity.

But part of the relationship was a performance.

 

That's such an interesting post!

It makes sense to me - just never really thought of it in those exact terms.

 

I used to always say that xMM wore a lot of masks, so in a way, I guess it is the same as what you wrote - but I never thought of it in that same way completely.

 

Very interesting

[PeineDeCoeur]

Hi KJ;

 

I've broken with my xMM and have been NC for around 23 days. It's hard. I'm still spending an inordinate amount of time bargaining in my head about whether to contact him.

 

Yes, the highs are pretty high - I totally feel the same! I don't recall ever feeling the same about anyone else, including my stbxh. But increasingly, as time went on, the highs did not last and I started to feel pretty crappy after he left me. But still.. the memory of connectedness and feelings of intimacy even now makes me downplay all the negatives about the whole situation. I'm separated now and out of my marriage, which is for the best for me.

 

I was wondering today why I would want to open the door again to someone who didn't treat me all that well, all things considered. I connected with your post and hope you will find the strength to stick to your guns. What do you want for yourself? If you think about this, you will have to face the fact that your MM cannot give you what you want or need. Time to put yourself first.

[kaityjane]

Fitz, thank you for your thoughts. I've read some of your other posts so I expect to get from you the cold hard truth, and its appreciated. Very much what is needed at times. I agree that he was "performing" to some degree. As was I probably too. We all do in life from time to time. I always knew he had to be someone at home that maybe I wouldn't recognize, I suppose. However, to say "he probably liked you in some capacity" made me laugh. Harsh, and most likely not true. He loved me. Of that there is no doubt. Because he chose not to leave his wife and children doesn't change that fact. Its the reality, and possibly what makes this so difficult. Life is often not about easy, clear choices. He made is, now its my turn.

[kaityjane]

PeineDeCoeur, thank you! I will feel like Ive won if I make it to 23 days. Day 1 is brutal. I love what you said about a ridiculous amount of time talking ourselves off the ledge of contact. But you were so right about the fact that by the end, the highs were becoming less and less and more about the lows of when he wasn't around. Its like a death though, you tend to forget the bad stuff and remember all the amazing moments. I'm making a list of the crap he did or said, to help with that :-) Yes, you're right of course, its time to figure out what my life is meant to look like. Thank you!!

[PeineDeCoeur]

You're very welcome.

 

It's tough but you're in the right place. Some days will be better than others. I've been drafting emails to my xMM practically every day, but I don't send them. I keep trying to remember - what is the goal in contacting him? Do I want to see him again/trust myself to be near him without falling back on old patterns? What is the point?

 

I'm not sure about Fitz's point about 'performance', but I do think my MM enjoyed living in the fantasy when he was with me - that his life could be different, that he could change. In the end I saw this is just not going to happen. He is staying right where he is, and even though he said he loved me ... there were no actions to back it up. In the end, it was just words that went nowhere, that meant nothing.

 

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