Scared and sad

[stillwater]

I think my xMM is actually lonely. But that's ridiculous given that he is with his W and I am the one truly alone.

Some of the times in my life when I've felt most lonely, I've been surrounded by people. Most of the times I've been alone, I haven't felt lonely. Something to think about.

 

Anyway..makes no odds. It needs to be about me now!

I hear you! I've been trying to stay active, exercise, find a meetup group, plan a vacation that wouldn't involve being by myself, etc. We'll find our way.

[fallen16]

I hope today is a better day. It sounds like you are moving in the right direction. No doubt there will be good days and bad. Remember when you are having a bad day that a better one is around the corner and that people do care and are pulling for you. I have thought about seeing a counsellor but finances are a consideration. I am sure you will find strength being able to confide in a professional. One day at a time. One day at a time

[LadyLost]

Hi Fallen. Thanks for writing and thinking of me. Today has been one of the toughest yet. I think i reached an all time low. I don't think this working thing is going to work out. I don't feel very stable at the moment. I shocked even myself today with my emotions and behaviour.

Tired myself out. Thank goodness another day is over.

Tomorrow is another day. I hope I can be stronger.

LL

[fallen16]

I am sorry it was such a bad, hard day. Hugs for you. Working together makes it extremely difficult and keeps the emotions raw. Since I work also with my MM I know that feeling all too well. It is so hard to see them. Its hard to see them laugh or talk with other people when you are dying inside. It tears your heart out to see him act like its life as usual when you could barely get out of bed. It is so unfair. I wish I could say something to take the pain and hurt away. I know I cannot. I can just hope the next day will be better for you and that the one after that maybe better still. Remember, that the wonderful moments shared with your MM are not worth the pain and hurt that always returns after. Please try and stay strong. I know it feels like a tidal wave is rushing over you, but you will rise above it all eventually. You deserve better. You deserve more. One day you will be loved for who you are by someone who cant wait to share it with the world. You are who is important. You are the one who matters. Try to stay busy. Keep posting. Never feel alone.

[LadyLost]

Hi Fallen, I think... It's not really about wanting him back (I don't know, I maybe need to think more on this thought!), i cant and dont think about memories and what we once shared or the planning for our future. Maybe i have blocked this because my mind cant deal with the situation. I really don't think this is about wanting him back. This is about my life and me and the low, low point I have reached.

I feel SO angry at him and it's so hard not to 'nip' at him and make jibes about the fact that i hear he needs to finish work early (to be with family) about the fact he has leave planned (really hurts). His life... it just seemed to carried on while mine came crashing down around me. He is just getting on, moving on with his life. He is so desperate to 'be friends' he wants to help with a difficult work situation. He has shown NO sadness at losing me. Never showing misery othervthan work frustrations. While i have it pouring out of me every second of the day.

 

Working with him is hell. I know his every move. I cling to every piece of information, no matter how painful. I feel destroyed. I feel ill.

 

Thank goodness I have some real help coming. For the first time I am seriously feeling unwell. I mean, I have been low and sad and tearful for a long time but over last few days, I actually mean proper scared for my health. What I have become. What I have allowed this man to do to me and now what. Where do I go from here. He walks away.

 

I feel so let down by him. I feel destroyed.

[fallen16]

My heart is breaking for you. I have tears rolling down my face. You have described exactly what I too feel.....It infuriates me and destroys me that my MM too hasnt missed a beat. Life goes on for him. Whereas mine has stopped. I try to get angry about his lack of upset so that I can use it to stay strong. Sometimes it works, sometimes it results in my crying uncontrollably. We made them our lives and they always had their own separate life that they were quite comfortable with. I cannot get past the feeling of not being good enough, or desirable enough or worthy enough that he can just let me go and not regret it!

Please seek counseling. I worry for you. I worry for myself as well. The hurt and anguish is taking a physical toll on you . It is serious! You are sensing it is real bad. Please listen to yourself and see someone. Talk to your doctor. Continue to talk on here. I cannot make it better for you but I can listen. I can tell you I understand because I TRULY DO! It is hell...but you dont have to go through it alone. Please try to get as much sleep as you can because lack of sleep makes everything feel that much worse.

 

You are in the grieving stage. You may actually be depressed. Please believe in yourself. Please stay as strong as you possibly can. Please keep in touch.

[kaityjane]

Hi Fallen, I think... It's not really about wanting him back (I don't know, I maybe need to think more on this thought!), i cant and dont think about memories and what we once shared or the planning for our future. Maybe i have blocked this because my mind cant deal with the situation. I really don't think this is about wanting him back. This is about my life and me and the low, low point I have reached.

I feel SO angry at him and it's so hard not to 'nip' at him and make jibes about the fact that i hear he needs to finish work early (to be with family) about the fact he has leave planned (really hurts). His life... it just seemed to carried on while mine came crashing down around me. He is just getting on, moving on with his life. He is so desperate to 'be friends' he wants to help with a difficult work situation. He has shown NO sadness at losing me. Never showing misery othervthan work frustrations. While i have it pouring out of me every second of the day.

 

Working with him is hell. I know his every move. I cling to every piece of information, no matter how painful. I feel destroyed. I feel ill.

 

Thank goodness I have some real help coming. For the first time I am seriously feeling unwell. I mean, I have been low and sad and tearful for a long time but over last few days, I actually mean proper scared for my health. What I have become. What I have allowed this man to do to me and now what. Where do I go from here. He walks away.

 

I feel so let down by him. I feel destroyed.

 

Hi LL, Just want you to know I'm thinking about you. Gosh, I understand. My entire life, everything, focused around him. I'm left with what feels like nothing. I however, do still struggle with wanting one more lunch, one more night, one more anything. But its pointless, I know. Yes, depression is very likely; of course it is. Don't' go it alone. thats part of our problem to begin with. These relationships are inherently lonely, with no one to share with, so they end that way too. Thank God for LS. I really am rooting for you....trust yourself. But again, continue to see someone, its so important. I find I can hardly leave the house, and when I do, I just want to come home again. So I understand. Hang in there lady, good things are coming.

[LadyLost]

Fallen and KJ (KJ, really glad to see you back- I was worried for you. And well done for finding the strength to get on the right road!).

 

Thank you both for your support. I seem to have hit a real low point. I am struggling. I can't offer anyone any advise at the moment in return for your sport. I don't know myself how I can do this. I am so angry at him. I have so much to scream at him. [Really, I just want a hug and his arms around me.]

 

I have done reasonably well at holding back (reasonably ). He wouldnt get it (he genuinely, genuinely thinks he can be my friend), and I know sounding off and exposing my vulnerability will only make me feel worse. I will get nothing in return.

 

Honestly ladies, thank you for caring.

 

Another day...

 

LL

[fallen16]

He believes he can be your friend because the whole thing didn't mean as much to him as it did to you. Remember, he had his life all the way along. He was living a separate life. It hasn't changed. He still has everything he always had. I think someone said it well when they said, they love the way e make them feel not necessarily who we are! They choose to be married. they choose to stay married. If they loved and cared for us they would want to be with us. They enjoyed the time together but now that its over, they still have everything in their life that defined them to begin with. They have lost nothing! they weren't the ones sitting around waiting for time with us. they were enjoying their families, spending time together as one, sharing their life with their spouse! We put our lives on hold. Well I did. He became my life. So now without him, I feel I have nothing. I feel lost, lonely, heartbroken and devastated. Add to that, that he doesn't feel that way, make s me feel foolish and utterly without hope.

I was in tears reading your heartache. My MM walked into my office and put his arms around me before I realized he was there! DAMN IT! I have begged for NC, working with him is killing me and NOW THIS! He claimed he was trying to comfort me! I melted. I cried. I caved. Now....I feel worse than before. That moment of comfort only brought forward more of the pain I feel. He will once again race home to his W after work and leave me behind. So why did being in his arms feel so right? Why cant I just accept that he doesn't feel the same. Why am I so weak? I feel like I have been set back years. I had only made 3 days. They were a nightmare and now...I just want to crawl in a hole. Working together is never going to work.

 

I feel for you. Maybe, someday we will find our strength again and will hurt a little less. Today....I feel completely and utterly like a shell of a person. I am existing...and barely at that.

[beyond]

Fallen and KJ (KJ, really glad to see you back- I was worried for you. And well done for finding the strength to get on the right road!).

 

Thank you both for your support. I seem to have hit a real low point. I am struggling. I can't offer anyone any advise at the moment in return for your sport. I don't know myself how I can do this. I am so angry at him. I have so much to scream at him. [Really, I just want a hug and his arms around me.]

 

I have done reasonably well at holding back (reasonably ). He wouldnt get it (he genuinely, genuinely thinks he can be my friend), and I know sounding off and exposing my vulnerability will only make me feel worse. I will get nothing in return.

 

Honestly ladies, thank you for caring.

 

Another day...

 

LL

 

 

Oh LL, I'm so sorry you are feeling so low. It's amazing isn't it that some men think they can go from being so intimate with you to being 'friends'.! As you know my MM said the same thing before I finally ended it telling him I couldn't be friends when hearing from him ripped at my heart.

Since then, I've thought about all my lovely 'true' friends, the ones who turned up at my door with soup and chocolate(strange combination but still!!) last night when I had a wobble and listen to me endlessly going on when I know they just want to scream 'forget the loser!'. I think about them and know that MM didn't ever come close to giving me that level of support about anything so how dare he think he can put himself in same catogory!

 

LL, when I first broke up with him, before he was married, 6 years ago. I went to a very low place - I was clinically depressed and was literally dragged to the dr by a family member as I was so low. I got counselling and slowly pulled myself out of the hole (that's what it felt like). I feel down this time, crying etc but know I'm not in that same place as its a totally different feeling to just feeling 'down'. From the small amount you have said, I think you should go and see your doctor .

 

Like you say, it's about YOU now and you WILL get through this, but please be kind to yourself, get some help, talk to people, eat well, try and get enough sleep, take long hot baths, whatever it is that pleases you.

 

Thinking of you

[Tashcw]

Hi LL. You've been asking for people who have been through this and come out the other side. I am one of them. I am on year 2 of NC (from my side) and it DOES get better.

 

Reading your posts I remember the pain so clearly - nothing in my life had ever, ever hurt so badly. I kept with NC, for me it wasn't because I was strong, but because he had killed any strength I had to keep it going. I was just exhausted and utterly, utterly numb. I had time off work and moved back in with my parents at the age of nearly 30!

 

NC worked and worked well. It took me a month to get partially back on my feet. My mum pushed me on a couple of dates and whilst obviously I thought about him all the time, it made me realise other guys were out there without all the baggage. And what's more, as they were sitting there, having dinner with me, I knew that they wouldn't be going home back to their wife / children!

 

He returned after about 5 weeks and texted / emailed / called me begging me to go back. I refused and it was the wisest decision I ever made. He got divorced in the end anyway but I've since found out he's cheated on other partners since. I'm not saying "once a cheat, always a cheat" but I feel these people always have similar characters: underlying selfishness (whether its' purposeful or not) and a complete unwillingness to control their own lives. Leave or don't leave - it's a decision they can never make and it's always up to the wife to beg them to stay, or to make them leave, or the OW to beg them to leave, or tell them it's over etc etc.

 

He still texts me / calls me now out of the blue. I never answer. I now feel anger towards him sometimes for the way that he's treating his current partner but mostly just pity knowing that he can never be happy, and what's more, is unlikely to make any of his other girlfriends / wives happy in the process.

 

I have met someone new who is amazing. We now live together and the old life of wishing away weekends just so Monday would come round so I *might* get to see 'him' are gone. We spend quality time together. He's there for me the whole time. There's no secrecy and the most important thing of all, my self esteem is back.

 

I had no idea at the time how much damage the affair had caused my self esteem. It was huge. It's taken me a long time to recover but you can do it. I'm still scared to think that if I'd broken that NC all those months ago I would still have been caught in the absolute turmoil of it.

 

Good luck - keep posting. Look after yourself.

[fallen16]

Thank you for posting. it does help. Its hard to believe it will get easier when you are in the middle of going through it. "Wishing weekends away waiting for Monday to come"........wow.......to read those words and to know its exactly what I have been doing for 5 years!

 

My head knows NC is best. But NC is so limited for me since I work with him closely and as I have said, quitting is not an option at the moment as I am in the middle of a messy divorce and have children to support on my own.

 

My NC involves not having lunch with him, not emailing and texting outside of work, not talking to him about anything other than work. However, I still have to see him for 8 hours a day!

 

My head knows its for the best to keep things ended......once my heart gets onboard maybe it will indeed be easier!

[beyond]

Ladylost, are you ok hun?

[woinlove]

Ladylost, I also wonder how you are doing. You mentioned having help coming (maybe medical?) and I hope some of that help has already arrived.

[LadyLost]

Beyond and Woinlove. Thank you for caring. Really, thank you so much for checking up on me.

 

I've had an especially difficult couple days. I felt i needed a break, even from here. I feel a bit dazed about what I have been through the last week or so. Beyond, you described the difference between just feeling a bit down and sad and knowing there was something seriously wrong. Yes. I can relate to that. I really felt it this week. I felt a shift and I knew I really needed help. Finally i spoke to someone who is going to help and, based on his advise, i started anti-depressants. I have behaved irrationally in front of work colleagues and even fought with my family who I have tried so hard to push away. Things are not ok. I lost it this week.

 

He has also been in contact. He wanted to see me. I told him no. I won't see him, but he knows I miss him and love him. I can't figure it all out in my head right now.

 

Beyond- you are doing so well I am proud of you. I think I just need to figure out how to jump back on the right path. I started, but I seem to have become derailed. I hope the medication will help clear my head a bit. Its going to take some time.

 

I feel somehow calmer. Maybe cause he's been in touch and i can see how miserable he is, but also, I knew there was never an option of us meeting - I never wavered. I know its over. I know from here on in it's up to me.

[woinlove]

Beyond and Woinlove. Thank you for caring. Really, thank you so much for checking up on me.

 

I've had an especially difficult couple days. I felt i needed a break, even from here. I feel a bit dazed about what I have been through the last week or so. Beyond, you described the difference between just feeling a bit down and sad and knowing there was something seriously wrong. Yes. I can relate to that. I really felt it this week. I felt a shift and I knew I really needed help. Finally i spoke to someone who is going to help and, based on his advise, i started anti-depressants. I have behaved irrationally in front of work colleagues and even fought with my family who I have tried so hard to push away. Things are not ok. I lost it this week.

 

He has also been in contact. He wanted to see me. I told him no. I won't see him, but he knows I miss him and love him. I can't figure it all out in my head right now.

 

Beyond- you are doing so well I am proud of you. I think I just need to figure out how to jump back on the right path. I started, but I seem to have become derailed. I hope the medication will help clear my head a bit. Its going to take some time.

 

I feel somehow calmer. Maybe cause he's been in touch and i can see how miserable he is, but also, I knew there was never an option of us meeting - I never wavered. I know its over. I know from here on in it's up to me.

 

Thanks for letting us know how you are. It was clear from your last few previous points that you hit a low point. I hope the meds really help (I know they have helped others) and you did stay strong about not meeting, so that is setting an important boundary to take care of yourself.

 

I'm glad that you are feeling calmer. Hope you can do something nice for yourself today.

[beyond]

Beyond and Woinlove. Thank you for caring. Really, thank you so much for checking up on me.

 

I've had an especially difficult couple days. I felt i needed a break, even from here. I feel a bit dazed about what I have been through the last week or so. Beyond, you described the difference between just feeling a bit down and sad and knowing there was something seriously wrong. Yes. I can relate to that. I really felt it this week. I felt a shift and I knew I really needed help. Finally i spoke to someone who is going to help and, based on his advise, i started anti-depressants. I have behaved irrationally in front of work colleagues and even fought with my family who I have tried so hard to push away. Things are not ok. I lost it this week.

 

He has also been in contact. He wanted to see me. I told him no. I won't see him, but he knows I miss him and love him. I can't figure it all out in my head right now.

 

Beyond- you are doing so well I am proud of you. I think I just need to figure out how to jump back on the right path. I started, but I seem to have become derailed. I hope the medication will help clear my head a bit. Its going to take some time.

 

I feel somehow calmer. Maybe cause he's been in touch and i can see how miserable he is, but also, I knew there was never an option of us meeting - I never wavered. I know its over. I know from here on in it's up to me.

 

Hi LL,

 

Thanks for getting in touch. Completely understand the need to take a break from everything including here, was just a bit concerned with your last few posts.

 

Well done for getting help - that is such a positive first step towards getting through all this. Anti depressants take quite a while to kick in and, for me, they weren't really the answer, but I did start counselling at more or less the same time and that was really helpful - to pour everything out to a complete stranger that I didn't have to worry about shocking or hurting. I don't know if you are able to get that sort of help - are you from UK by the way?

 

It's ok to not be ok and your friends and family will know this and will just want to help you.

 

Its good you are feeling calmer and brilliant that you still through all this found the strength to tell him 'no' when he contacted you. (((hugs)))

 

xx

[Stol3n]

I think MM get a bad rap which is not always warranted. We all have an opinion about what an A is about but one can only truly comment on the one that they personally are in. Life isn't black and white, a lesson I learnt a lot more painfully than I would ever have imagined or that I'd have liked. Depending on the culture and/or experiences of an MM, the idea of not being a full time Dad is not an option no matter what problems they are having in their marriage. Some MM's and MW's that I know of wait until the children are older or in Varsity before walking out of their marriages if the situation is not either physically or psychologically abusive. For some staying in the marriage is about fulfilling your responsibilities and not necessarily about love. In some societies outside of the US, divorce is not an option for reasons that might make absolutely no sense to the rest of us, but that form a very real and important part of the people living in those societies.

 

It is very presumptuous of anyone to assume that they know the reason that every MM has an A or that every MM is only about being selfish and getting laid as someone mentioned above. In the same way not every OW is a golddigger, sex addict, love addict or just fundamentally damaged. There are many OW's that are genuinely amazing women that never even remotely considered that a MM would ever form a part of their lives but for one reason or another find themselves in that situation. Its easy to stand in judgement of people having an A and impose on them our ideas of what we believe to be the only reasons this could happen but we forget one very important thing about the human condition - we all make mistakes. Even genuinely good people get caught up and do not very good things. No one is perfect.

 

LoveLost, only you know whether or not your MM loves/loved you and if you know that he did and that he was honest with you then hold on to that knowledge as you heal because it can make it easier to heal. If on the other hand your gut tells you that he was using you and taking advantage of you, then accept that and work on healing. The rest of us can only postulate on his intentions based on our own personal experiences as we have no idea who he is. You have made the decision for NC for yourself because it is what you want and that is what will make your life better and more complete. I applaud you and hope that you get through the pain and start leading the life that you want and that truly fulfills you.

[LadyLost]

Stol3n, thank you. Yes. I absolutely know my MM loves me. But unfortuantlely (and I don't care what anyone else says), love is not enough. He wants to be a full time dad. And yes, he chose to stay in him marriage. Of course what we did was wrong, but I will never, ever doubt that he loves me.

 

Does it help me that we are both hurting- yes, it does. Really though, it changes nothing as I try to re-build my life it's time to let him do the same.

[woinlove]

Stol3n, thank you. Yes. I absolutely know my MM loves me. But unfortuantlely (and I don't care what anyone else says), love is not enough. He wants to be a full time dad. And yes, he chose to stay in him marriage. Of course what we did was wrong, but I will never, ever doubt that he loves me.

 

Does it help me that we are both hurting- yes, it does. Really though, it changes nothing as I try to re-build my life it's time to let him do the same.

 

To me, this is you saying you know what you need and deserve and you need both love and someone who can commit to you. I think it is great that you know you deserve this and I honestly think you have started on a path that will lead you to happiness, even if it is an extremely difficult path right now.

Edited May 13, 2012 by woinlove

[LadyLost]

Hi Woinlove. I feel like I started on the path and had a bit of a wobble. I hope eventually I get there..

 

Thank you x

[woinlove]

Hi Woinlove. I feel like I started on the path and had a bit of a wobble. I hope eventually I get there..

 

Thank you x

 

Everyone has some wobbles, so this may not be your last. You've been doing so many things to take care of yourself - asking for help, seeing a doctor, saying no because you know what you need and don't need, NC as much as possible, and when there is a wobble, you'll get back on the path. You're learning more what works for you and what doesn't. You'll get there.

[fallen16]

I am glad to read that you are doing a little better. I hope amidst the wobbles you have some better days too. No one can tell you how you feel or how to move on. We can support you, listen and tell you we understand. I hope the IC helps. Concentrate on you now. There will be rough days and not so rough days. When you are having a bad day remember a better day is around the corner. There is light you just have to keep moving towards it.

[LadyLost]

Hi Fallen. I know, I know. Each day is different and your never very sure how you are going to feel from one moment to the next. I feel ok today. A bit numb maybe.

How are you getting on with you own NC tactics?

[fallen16]

I cry.......I made it all weekend with NC......he has stopped emailing as well. He makes his comments here at work but says he will learn to accept it. I cry some more. I couldn't get out of bed all weekend. Had no interest in much. It hurts. I hurt. I feel like there's no reason to get up. I feel utterly and completely alone and destroyed. I feel like I will be alone forever. i have no hope and no confidence in anything. I want to shut down so I feel nothing , but I cannot stop the thoughts. The need to understand how anyone can claim all those things, say all those things and then...well we all know the game. I too am in the middle of a meltdown that has become noticeable by everyone around me. I work, go home and climb into bed. If I get an hours sleep I am lucky. I read these posts and try to use them to make me angry so I don't feel the pain. I try to say to myself, one day at a time. I have isolated myself. I just cant bring myself to do anything. I lost my friends along time ago when I was going through my divorce and trying to keep my "secret". I feel for you and I keep hoping if others can survive this I will too. The pain seems endless and seeing him every day is like having my heart ripped out over and over. But, I dont have him either way. I just want to stop wondering about his every move, what he is asking what he is doing with his family. I want to stop spending every moment thinking of him. Trust me I try but to no avail. I am trying to be strong through this site and everyone on it.

 

I am not sure what is going to happen with me. I have lost control of everything. One day at a time. If I can just cry a little less I will consider it a better day. But I know the pain. I feel it too. I am pulling for you.

 

I guess it sounds stupid, but if others can do this and not die(because it feels like I have) I will survive too. So I keep telling myself. Thanks for asking. keep me posted please.