Scared and sad

[LadyLost]

Gosh I feel awfully low. Wanted to write some stuff down that's in my head.

I took today as sick, not sure what happens tomorrow. I don't feel very well or very strong, but I also know that sitting around does not help me. Too much time to think and to get sad. I know what I need to do. I need to dry my eyes and get myself to work. Put on a show. Keep myself busy. Get distracted. Leave the house. Problem is that I am not sure I can face work. Am strong enough for the office politics and the challenges that I know are waiting for me. I want to walk away, but I know the issue isn't work. We can avoid each other. I suppose we are luckier than some. I don't need to come face to face. We don't need to work together any more. But he is always around in spirit.

All these months of constantly being around him. MSN, phone, email. He was always there. I cannot get the man out my head and for the first time in a very long time there is total and absolute silence. I wish it was a relief. I wish I could see that he is doing only what I asked. It doesn't mean he isn't thinking about me, doesn't care ( though I know I am supposed to stop thinking about him and what he is doing and thinking. It has to be about me now!). I miss him so very, very much. Yes I ache. He is only doing what I want and asked of him. It is time to move on.

Gosh- imagine finding happiness with a man who can be there for you all the time. No secrets. Just all the good stuff without the crap that comes with an A. Be a normal couple. It's been so long since I last was happy with no undercurrent of sadness. I have lost myself. I am truly exhausted mentally and physically with it.

I deserve so much more!! I want to be someone's everything one day without the heartbreak of knowing you are a dirty secret in this persons life.

 

Its up to me now to sort myself out. Give myself a break. Try to recover. Find a way of being ok and surviving this nightmare.

[LadyLost]

Well, I made it through today ok. Kept my thoughts and feelings well hidden. No-one knows. Upset now though back at home. Nothing at all from him. Day 3 this is. Three days of silence so far. The longest he has ever made it. It's wrong of me to feel disappointed that he can do this. It's what I asked him to do and yet.. I feel so sad. I guess I want him to fight for our relationship. Of course I do. Want him to tell me he can't live without me. want him waiting for me at the top of my stairs.

I feel exhausted again. Like my whole body is heavy. I look drained. Tired, emotional. I can't stand to look at me in the mirror. I can't face the gym and really am the heaviest I have ever been. Another thing to feel upset about.

My life. Without him. Without our future. On another post I saw it called 'future faking'. I think this is a very good term for it. Build up a whole list of things we would do together when... Future fake together. All gone. None of it real. I am alone. It's just me now. Trying to think about getting through another day.

 

Wallowing in self pitty? I guess I am. I think the problem is that I had been trying to end it for months and months. I think on and off for almost a year! And all this difficult and emotional time full of false endings it takes it's toll on you. Of course it does. It's so emotional. Long, drawn out periods of overwhelming sadness followed by times of burying head and just enjoying your time together. Almost a relief from the sadness which you know is round the corner.

 

Arghh. Well. I guess the important thing is NO MORE FALSE ENDINGS. I know I need to go through this period of mourning. I need to start it, live it and get through the other end. I can't keep starting it over and over. This is one of the reasons i am so exhausted. Re-living this terrible pain, over and over again. I need to get through to the other end. I need to be ok. I need to survive and get stronger.

 

I need him to come and get me. I need him to leave me alone to heal. Two terrible conflicting screaming voices in my head.

[kaityjane]

Well, I made it through today ok. Kept my thoughts and feelings well hidden. No-one knows. Upset now though back at home. Nothing at all from him. Day 3 this is. Three days of silence so far. The longest he has ever made it. It's wrong of me to feel disappointed that he can do this. It's what I asked him to do and yet.. I feel so sad. I guess I want him to fight for our relationship. Of course I do. Want him to tell me he can't live without me. want him waiting for me at the top of my stairs.

I feel exhausted again. Like my whole body is heavy. I look drained. Tired, emotional. I can't stand to look at me in the mirror. I can't face the gym and really am the heaviest I have ever been. Another thing to feel upset about.

My life. Without him. Without our future. On another post I saw it called 'future faking'. I think this is a very good term for it. Build up a whole list of things we would do together when... Future fake together. All gone. None of it real. I am alone. It's just me now. Trying to think about getting through another day.

 

Wallowing in self pitty? I guess I am. I think the problem is that I had been trying to end it for months and months. I think on and off for almost a year! And all this difficult and emotional time full of false endings it takes it's toll on you. Of course it does. It's so emotional. Long, drawn out periods of overwhelming sadness followed by times of burying head and just enjoying your time together. Almost a relief from the sadness which you know is round the corner.

 

Arghh. Well. I guess the important thing is NO MORE FALSE ENDINGS. I know I need to go through this period of mourning. I need to start it, live it and get through the other end. I can't keep starting it over and over. This is one of the reasons i am so exhausted. Re-living this terrible pain, over and over again. I need to get through to the other end. I need to be ok. I need to survive and get stronger.

 

I need him to come and get me. I need him to leave me alone to heal. Two terrible conflicting screaming voices in my head.

 

Read your post...I feel like we are in some way living each others nightmare. I'm thinking about you, and knowing exactly what you're going through. Day two for me, and I feel like I'm dying. Wondering, as you did, why he's not fighting more, but knowing its because he can't come up with anymore excuses. I called his bluff and this is it. The end. Truthfully, there was probably a little part that thought he wouldn't be able to live without me and he'd finally leave as he said he would. Sadly, I now know that will never happen. No one can understand this pain if they haven't lived it. I never would have. Keep going...you're doing it.

[LadyLost]

Hey Kaityjane. I am keeping up to date with your post too

It funny how we feel strong for others but find it so hard ourselves. I really feel for you. What you are going through. Its tough. Don't be too hard on yourself. I like the idea of giving ourselves some time to give into this and work through it. You, like me need to get through this. Breaking NC now will only mean starting again another day, again back to square 1. I am not worried about breaking NC myself, I just wish he would break it for me... That's stupid I know and pointless, but we miss our MM.

Is it mid day for you at the moment? Do you have any plans for the day? Can you get out and get some fresh air? Walk around a bit?

Take care.

[LadyLost]

How do you get him out of your head. When he is there with you before you even open your eyes in the morning. There is no peace from his memory. I am trying so hard to think about other things. Clear my head of him. Angry I let this happen. Mostly sad though.

Day 4 though! Made it through another day. Feels like slowly, slowly I can see why I need to do this. Why things must change. I want more and deserve absolutely to be happy one day. It was never going to happen with him. I am proud of myself. I have taken the first steps.

[woinlove]

How do you get him out of your head. When he is there with you before you even open your eyes in the morning. There is no peace from his memory. I am trying so hard to think about other things. Clear my head of him. Angry I let this happen. Mostly sad though.

Day 4 though! Made it through another day. Feels like slowly, slowly I can see why I need to do this. Why things must change. I want more and deserve absolutely to be happy one day. It was never going to happen with him. I am proud of myself. I have taken the first steps.

 

Good for you for recognizing your strength and making the commitment to stick to something, while painful, is taking you closer to the life you want. I know you still can't find joy in the things you used to, but my experience is that if you force yourself to go through the motions of things that used to be enjoyable, it does come back quicker than if you wait until you actually feel like doing those things again. You said you were writing, and that's good. Maybe something physical (running, swimming, yoga,..) too.

[jphcbpa]

Hi jphcbpa, your suggestion about slaa thing scares me. I had to google to see what it was! And there is a group in my area but although I loved the intimacy with him, it was never about the sex. Intimacy, friendship and support I guess. It's why it so hard to move on. Never thought of myself as a sex addict though!

 

you might just be a love addict. but it is worth looking into and seeing a pattern in your life.

[stillafool]

What do you mean , "won't leave his little girl"?

 

Is he not entitled to see his child because he gets a divorce?

 

 

This is the prime excuse MM use. Of course they can see their kids.

[JustJoe]

LL, I'm going to go against what you have already heard and suggest that what you need to do is engage in activities that will take your mind off him and improve your outlook on life. Self-improvement seems to always be beneficial to people in your situation, but also helping others can be very rewarding. Find out about volunteer services in your area, church groups, etc, where you can help others and at the same time lessen the time and mentally obsessive feelings you are having about the affair. When you go out into the world and begin to inter-act with others , you will probably find that your romantic issues will occupy your thoughts less, and you will have a sense of satisfaction and an improved sense of self-worth. Good Luck!!

[LadyLost]

Justjoe and woinlove, I know your advice is solid. I just need to find the inner strength to force myself out there. As with so many others, I let my MM become my universe. Even though he was only around for a few nights a week, it's been a long time since I have done anything on my own and for myself. I feel increasingly isolated. Preferring my own company to facing the world. It's so hard to force yourself into activity. Bed and the sofa and my own company are much easier to cope with. One of the many, many issues with having an A is that it's a great big dirty secret. Generally not shared with anyone. It isolates you. I cannot face people. Listening to 'normal' people who lead 'normal' lives. It kills me to see how far extracted from these normal lives i have become. Volunteering is a good idea. Focus on someone else and not yourself. I am very well aware how selfish and selfcentred I have become. I want everyone to know how miserable I am. How hard done by. How sad. I think focusing on something other than my sad and lonely life would help!

[LadyLost]

This is the prime excuse MM use. Of course they can see their kids.

 

Stillafool- I don't blame him for not wanting to leave his child. But as its already been pointed out...It's not just his child he chose over our relationship, it was his wife.

[JustJoe]

LL, one thing you need to do is to stop putting your MM on a pedestal. He isn't exactly the most honest and honorable guy, is he? If he wasn't so selfish , himself, he wouldn't try to keep you hangin , like he is doing, right? He has some serious integrity issues that you don't need. He has convinced YOU that he's honest, but consider how he's treating his wife. The bottom line is that you are well rid of him, and now need to get out and be a part of life. It will be hard , at first, but once you do it, you will find that it's a pretty good place to be.

[LadyLost]

Joe. I am listening to you! It's hard to hear though. People say its not true love and he couldn't have loved me etc etc. well, I disagree. I am not saying it was honourable. We did a terrible thing, there is no excuses, but I do honestly believe he loves me. I know I am going to get abuse for saying that Well, fine. I get how dishonest we were. And I also appreciate how damaging this relationship was. It's why I am here, it's why I have gone NC. I can't agree I am well rid of him, but I do agree I am well rid of the deception, the lies, the emotion and absolutely, I deserve more!! I want for him and his wife the same I want for myself. I hope they too can now find happiness.

[woinlove]

Joe. I am listening to you! It's hard to hear though. People say its not true love and he couldn't have loved me etc etc. well, I disagree. I am not saying it was honourable. We did a terrible thing, there is no excuses, but I do honestly believe he loves me. I know I am going to get abuse for saying that Well, fine. I get how dishonest we were. And I also appreciate how damaging this relationship was. It's why I am here, it's why I have gone NC. I can't agree I am well rid of him, but I do agree I am well rid of the deception, the lies, the emotion and absolutely, I deserve more!! I want for him and his wife the same I want for myself. I hope they too can now find happiness.

 

I don't think everyone is capable of the same depth of love and the same person may love different people, even different romantic partners, in different ways, to different depths. I don't know if you always will think MM truly loved you, as our perception on our own love, and the love others have for us, can change with time. However, I do hope that you come to realize that you deserve to be loved better, with actions, words and feelings all showing great love.

[LadyLost]

Woinlove, what I do know is that he isn't banging down my door right now. Fighting to get in. Today has been tough. As the days go on (day 5 NC), and the silence grows, I realise that the message is loud and clear to me. What are words without action? Pretty empty I guess. What hurts most now is his silence. Months and months of "future faking" ( I think this is a great term). I told him - next time you get in contact it has to be because you have something to tell me, something will have changed, you will be ready. Well...not a peep since then. God I miss him. Oh lord I really do. But there is no denying it, the silence says it all.

Just got to get through today and keep going. There is no risk I will get in contact with him, the real pain comes in the lack off fight from him and the loneliness that ensues.

[JustJoe]

LL, You believe he loves you, but isn't that just your take on it? If he truly loved you, he would have made a move by now. Sometimes we tell ourselves things to ease our guilt and shame. I have heard a lot of OW's say the same things, and later they realize that the only person they were fooling was themselves. My MW proved her love by divorcing her husband and marrying me. It is as simple as that. He will never lose his daughter, so that is no excuse. What he wants is some pu**y on the side and for his happy home to be secure. Listen to others who have been in your situation, and they will agree. You have created this "dream idea", and are now finding out that it was just that....a dream. Time to wake up, put your best foot forward and be the woman you really want to be.

[Emme]

LL, You believe he loves you, but isn't that just your take on it? If he truly loved you, he would have made a move by now. Sometimes we tell ourselves things to ease our guilt and shame. I have heard a lot of OW's say the same things, and later they realize that the only person they were fooling was themselves. My MW proved her love by divorcing her husband and marrying me. It is as simple as that. He will never lose his daughter, so that is no excuse. What he wants is some pu**y on the side and for his happy home to be secure. Listen to others who have been in your situation, and they will agree. You have created this "dream idea", and are now finding out that it was just that....a dream. Time to wake up, put your best foot forward and be the woman you really want to be.

 

Pure Truth! Bravo Joe!

[LadyLost]

LL, You believe he loves you, but isn't that just your take on it? If he truly loved you, he would have made a move by now. Sometimes we tell ourselves things to ease our guilt and shame. I have heard a lot of OW's say the same things, and later they realize that the only person they were fooling was themselves. My MW proved her love by divorcing her husband and marrying me. It is as simple as that. He will never lose his daughter, so that is no excuse. What he wants is some pu**y on the side and for his happy home to be secure. Listen to others who have been in your situation, and they will agree. You have created this "dream idea", and are now finding out that it was just that....a dream. Time to wake up, put your best foot forward and be the woman you really want to be.

 

Joe. You don't often hear about A's where the MM or MW left the M for the OP and I am glad you can be with with the person who you love. No situation is black or white. And I really don't think you know he didn't love me.. HOWEVER yes, it is time for me to wake up. He isn't coming and it is time to move on. It hurts. It's going to take time. I want him, but not as a MM and I know there is no going back. Maybe because I won't (or am not ready to) admit he never truly loved me, this will somehow stop me or prevent me from moving on with my life or healing. I have no idea how I will feel in 6 months or more. I am angry he won't leave, but do I understand why, yes. I do.

[LadyLost]

My MM is miserable. The A never worked for either of us. Maybe just now, that he has had time to think, he has realised the damage done to him, his wife and child. I agree with what Brightwasher says. Leaving a M with child is never admirable. He wants to be a full time dad and I don't blame him, I really don't. Of course having an A is no more admirable. It's actually a despicable thing to do and I would never try to justify that either. I don't know what the future holds for him and his W. I guess it's up to him now. He stayed. He chose wife and child. Over to him now to make it work.

[LadyLost]

Well, yes. I made it through another day. But I am miserable!

There was no 'd-day' for us. I had been trying to force a decision, get confirmation either way from him for weeks, even months. I gradually retreated. We stopped seeing each other regularly weeks ago. I blocked MSN (which finally stayed blocked after many months of blocking and unblocking around Feb time). Email was our last means of communication. And right through everything I would get multiple emails from him a day. All the up to the last day of contact, when I asked him to stop emailing me until he was ready to make some changes in his life. It was one of the hardest things I have had to do. Telling the man you love with all your heart, not to contact you again. He was genuinely surprised and sad on that call. I think he honestly thought that some contact, no matter how restricted was better than none. You don't just lose a lover or your soulmate. You lose your best friend (have read it a dozen times on this site- we were nothing special, but it is what we were, what we have now lost).

He is only doing what I ask. But what a massive kick in the teeth for me. He's really gone! Almost a whole week and not a peep. Did I really think after a few days he would come running. Well.. I guess I hoped he would. No point in lying. It hurts like hell. There is a whole big part of me that hopes I never hear from him again. He won't leave, it can only possibly lead to more pain. But of course I miss him so much. So much! There is no happy ending and at least now I am free to get on with my life. Why does that give me no comfort at all?.

I don't feel strong or proud right now that I have made it this far.. Really, I just feel sad that I had no choice.

[woinlove]

Well, yes. I made it through another day. But I am miserable!

There was no 'd-day' for us. I had been trying to force a decision, get confirmation either way from him for weeks, even months. I gradually retreated. We stopped seeing each other regularly weeks ago. I blocked MSN (which finally stayed blocked after many months of blocking and unblocking around Feb time). Email was our last means of communication. And right through everything I would get multiple emails from him a day. All the up to the last day of contact, when I asked him to stop emailing me until he was ready to make some changes in his life. It was one of the hardest things I have had to do. Telling the man you love with all your heart, not to contact you again. He was genuinely surprised and sad on that call. I think he honestly thought that some contact, no matter how restricted was better than none. You don't just lose a lover or your soulmate. You lose your best friend (have read it a dozen times on this site- we were nothing special, but it is what we were, what we have now lost).

He is only doing what I ask. But what a massive kick in the teeth for me. He's really gone! Almost a whole week and not a peep. Did I really think after a few days he would come running. Well.. I guess I hoped he would. No point in lying. It hurts like hell. There is a whole big part of me that hopes I never hear from him again. He won't leave, it can only possibly lead to more pain. But of course I miss him so much. So much! There is no happy ending and at least now I am free to get on with my life. Why does that give me no comfort at all?.

I don't feel strong or proud right now that I have made it this far.. Really, I just feel sad that I had no choice.

 

Sorry you are feeling so sad. I know what you mean by you didn't have a choice - you wanted him to leave his M and be with you and he didn't. But, still you did have choices, you could continue being in the A and settling for less than you wanted or you could start on the path to moving on, freeing yourself of him, so that you can find greater happiness elsewhere. You chose the latter and I think it is the right choice, but that doesn't mean it is easy. You should feel strong and proud for expecting more and staying on the path to that, rather than settling for what you could get from the A.

[LadyLost]

Woinlove. I know you are right and thank you for taking the time to write. Thing is, we talked a lot about paths. I know I haven't found mine yet. Or not the one I want to stay on and follow!

Something I find awfully hard to talk aboout (even on an anonymous forum!) is that I know what it is I want from life. I have never wanted the career or money (of course it's important you can support yourself, but I have been lucky in life, I have worked hard and been successful so I have never struggled in that way). I want and have always wanted a family. Children. A husband and a home. It's upsetting for me to even to admit this in type. If I am honest (and I get how selfish this sounds), this was the main reason for pulling away. I knew this relationship wouldn't give me these things (it gave me so much though). I am getting on a bit (don't want to share my age) and I know I may never have these things, but I must give myself a chance. I am not ready to give up on this dream yet. I am not saying I feel good about doing this to his W. I don't, I feel horrible, but my main driver in ending it is because I am desperate for a child. It hurts more than anything. More than I can admit even to myself. When I knew he wouldn't leave. I knew it was time for me to try and find my happiness elsewhere.

Edited April 29, 2012 by LadyLost

[woinlove]

Woinlove. I know you are right and thank you for taking the time to write. Thing is, we talked a lot about paths. I know I haven't found mine yet. Or not the one I want to stay on and follow!

Something I find awfully hard to talk aboout (even on an anonymous forum!) is that I know what it is I want from life. I have never wanted the career or money (of course it's important you can support yourself, but I have been lucky in life, I have worked hard and been successful so I have never struggled in that way). I want and have always wanted a family. Children. A husband and a home. It's upsetting for me to even to admit this in type. If I am honest (and I get how selfish this sounds), this was the main reason for pulling away. I knew this relationship wouldn't give me these things. I am getting on a bit (don't want to share my age) and I know I may never have these things, but I must give myself a chance. I am not ready to give in to this dream yet. I am not saying I feel good about doing this to his W. I don't, I feel horrible, but my main driver in ending it is because I am desperate for a child. It hurts more than anything. More than I can admit even to myself. When I knew he wouldn't leave. I knew it was time for me to try and find my happiness elsewhere.

 

It is always good to be honest with oneself and good to get it out if that is something that bothers or shames you. It is not unusual to feel a strong pull toward having a family, but I take from your message that you feel selfish ending the A for that reason rather deciding you didn't want to be part of the deception of his W any more.

 

I always advocate for honesty. However, I don't feel it is somehow worse that you ended things because of your dream to have a family. The point is you are no longer involved in deception. No longer participating in betrayal. That is a positive. And you are making way for your dream of a family. That is positive. I just don't see any downside there. Is that the worst "secret" you have to reveal. Just doesn't seem very bad to me.

[LadyLost]

Hockeyfan. Thank you for your words. I guess it's just going to take time...

 

Let me ask you this - if his wife were to realize what he had been doing and kicked him out, would you open your door to him? Would you accept him back into your life knowing you were not a priority for him, but plan "b"?

 

His wife knows. I can only assume she loves him; wants to give him another chance. She chose to look the other way. She wants their family to stay together. She won't throw him out. It would have been his choice and only his decision and he made it. But to be totally honest. I can't imagine ever not opening the door to him should he ever be standing on the other side. It's only been 1 week of NC (one week!), I don't know how things will change over coming weeks and months. I am trying not to think about him coming or any of the other plans we made. We 'future faked' for months and months. Time for a reality check..

[LadyLost]

I made it through one week. It's killing me though. Not so much that I feel at any time I might break and make contact.. More the frustration that I haven't heard from him. It makes me realise how much of the chasing he did. Right throughout our relationship. I know the silence is a good thing. There is no denying it...He's gone. He is getting on with his life and I must do the same. But I feel so low. It's exhausting.

I have a busy work week coming up. Will force me to focus on other things I guess. But I don't feel strong about anything right now. My duvet seems like a good place to hide. I am so tempted to take more sick days. I've had enough to be truthful. I am sad and lonely and Im just about done with it all. I feel really lonely right now. I would love to talk and laugh with him. God, I miss him. Arghhh. Yes. Ok. enough self pity yet?

 

You follow the motions. You try and interact. You take one day at a time and expect nothing from yourself except to get through another day. This diary is a record of how totally rock bottom I became. No, he can't make me happy. Yes, it had to end. No, I will never go back.. But it's just not clear how and when this total depression will lift for me. I can't feel anything right now. I am totally numb.

Edited April 30, 2012 by LadyLost