joopjoop90 Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 I am a 26 year old male and my ex girlfriend is 24, and has more relationship experience than me. A few days ago, after dating for six months, she came to break up with me and said that we weren't working out, and that we were too different. She said that she didnt like the way she had been talking to me or treating me, which I agreed to. I respected her wishes, and i hugged her and we left amicably. Of course, I was miserable and very sad and emotional for the next few days. But, I was still a little confused about why she broke up with me. 3 days later, she calls me and tells me that she misses me and that she made a mistake, so I oblige her in letting her come talk with me. She was apologetic and said that she made a mistake and that we could resolve our relationship issues by being more open and communicative, which is true. She said she would be willing to work on her issues. At this point, however, I had to be open with some of my feelings about her behavior and the things in the past that disappointed me and that I thought she mistreated me in the past. I tried to be delicate and tell her that I still liked her, and she also agreed with some of my concerns. She got a bit offput by the situation, and left. I was in a state of confusion and said that I would call her soon because I needed to digest. The following day, I hadn't called her because I was so upset, so she sent me a message saying that she felt like she had been dropped. I call her immediately and tell her that I'm very emotional and that I need some time to think and that we should both relax and think a bit. She then yells at me for berating her the previous day about all of the issues I had, and got upset that I hadn't called her back. I said we should take things slow and to perhaps get lunch the coming weekend, but she didn't like the idea. I asked to end things on a good note, and she said "too bad". I'm very confused and I don't know what to do. I do think I haven't been very open or communicative with her in the relationship and what issues I have with how she was treating me, and she certainly said that she would be willing to work on her issues, but I am still very hurt and I’m confused from being broken up with. I feel bad that I had to bring up a laundry list of issues I had with her in the relationship, and that I came off unappreciative of her, but I also feel like it wouldnt be honest or fair to her if I withheld my concerns. For me, I felt like it was an important time to be completely open with her. She did pretty much admit to them all, however. I feel very bad because she has been quite patient with me throughout the relationship, as I haven't had much experience. Still, I do think I've always been quite kind to her. I haven’t heard from her for the past few days.
Philosoraptor Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 Be kind to yourself here. She wants out but also is scared to be alone. It's normal and a reason why there is much back and forth during the end of a relationship. Little things after the "end" has started are always good points to pounce on and make it less about their own want to leave and more about the dumpee's or relationship's failure. Take care of yourself. Do not take this treatment anymore. Stop contacting and give her what she wants, an ending. Put yourself first and work on your own healing. Sadly relationships do run their course and come to an end. We need to accept it and work on healing up and moving on.
flitzanu Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 she can berate you, but flips when you berate her. she dumped you, but gets pissed when you don't call her right back. she's "ending it" again since you said you couldn't talk RIGHT THEN. she sounds really mature as raptor says, she's just looking for things to turn against you so she doesn't have to feel like the bad guy. she's the one that instigated this, not you. she wants to be alone, let her be alone.
Author joopjoop90 Posted April 25, 2012 Author Posted April 25, 2012 (edited) she can berate you, but flips when you berate her. she dumped you, but gets pissed when you don't call her right back. she's "ending it" again since you said you couldn't talk RIGHT THEN. she sounds really mature as raptor says, she's just looking for things to turn against you so she doesn't have to feel like the bad guy. she's the one that instigated this, not you. she wants to be alone, let her be alone. I suppose you're right, but during the breakup and reconciliation attempt, she wasn't being mean at all and her tone was very honest-sounding. Rather, she identified things in herself that she thought she could fix. I dunno, thats why I guess I feel bad myself, because she said that "she let me **** on her" and made her feel worse than I should have, which I hope I didn't do. Edited April 25, 2012 by joopjoop90
darkmoon Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 (edited) an immature tantrum from a child/woman imho, below is a quote from OP see for yourself "She then yells at me for berating her the previous day about all of the issues I had, and got upset that I hadn't called her back." Edited April 25, 2012 by darkmoon
Author joopjoop90 Posted April 25, 2012 Author Posted April 25, 2012 Thanks, One thing I really feel bad about is that she said she was really stressed out. Maybe she really needed my help and I was being too resilient or proud to be there for her. Maybe this really upset her.
Ajax Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 I'll second those of the opinion that she's behaving immaturely. While it feels like you've been hit hard, I think you actually dodged a bullet. You and your girlfriend are both in that mid-twenties danger zone that many couples can't make it through intact. It's often commented on here, and other places, the the "Quarter Life Crisis" can really do a number on someone. People get confused, wonder where their life is going, think they might do better, and change. The ex that brought me here broke up with me right after turning 25, and just changed. I didn't understand it at the time, but I don't think she did either. Something just didn't feel right. I don't know if that's what your ex is going through, but it sounds plausible. If that's the case then there's no way you could have avoided the breakup, only delayed it. But for your own good you need to cut the cord. She's really only thinking of herself, and the longer you're in communication with her the more opportunities she has to hurt you. Go no contact. It will give you the time and space to grieve the relationship and ultimately move forward with your life.
flitzanu Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 Thanks, One thing I really feel bad about is that she said she was really stressed out. Maybe she really needed my help and I was being too resilient or proud to be there for her. Maybe this really upset her. dude, who isn't stressed out in the world. you're trying to baby her. she needs to act like an adult and take responsibility for her actions. nothing YOU said upset her. besides...she dumped you. you have NO REASON to "be there" for her at all. again...this is why we're telling you she's being mature. if she's adult enough to dump you and then cry because you aren't there for her....really? you see what we're saying?
Author joopjoop90 Posted April 25, 2012 Author Posted April 25, 2012 You are right. Sometimes breakups I guess just cause doubt within one's self and its hard to not review all of your actions. Its a mentality I need to get through, but you are definitely right. Thanks for the strong tone!
flitzanu Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 You are right. Sometimes breakups I guess just cause doubt within one's self and its hard to not review all of your actions. Its a mentality I need to get through, but you are definitely right. Thanks for the strong tone! glad you're catching on also up there i typed 'mature' but meant 'immature' but you probably figured that out.
2sunny Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 I think you were wise to share with her how you feel. I also think its admirable that you wanted time to process what seemed right for you. That's healthy! Then she pushed harder for your answer. Then she got mean when she didn't get you to comply. It's best if you make decisions that are in YOUR best interest. Read co dependent no more. It may help you with that mindset that's not balanced the one that "thinks what IF she needs me?" She's creating drama so you can rescue her. That's not healthy. Stick to no contact.
Author joopjoop90 Posted April 26, 2012 Author Posted April 26, 2012 I am super confused though, because I think she broke up with me because I was too sensitive, and didnt assert myself when she was being mean to me. Then, finally, I decided to tell her about what pissed me off and she got angry. CONFUSING!
Philosoraptor Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 I am super confused though, because I think she broke up with me because I was too sensitive, and didnt assert myself when she was being mean to me. Then, finally, I decided to tell her about what pissed me off and she got angry. CONFUSING! Don't try to understand it. When you are with a controlling person they have no respect for you when you don't stand up for yourself, and are very upset when you do. When you look back in the future you will be very thankful that you avoided anything permanent with this mess. 1
Author joopjoop90 Posted May 2, 2012 Author Posted May 2, 2012 (edited) I've been thinking a lot about our relationship, and I definitely think she is a controlling person. Always commented on things, made passive-aggressive remarks, was incredibly moody, and would treat me badly in front of people. I suppose the way she handled the breakup is indicative of her character. Importantly, I've never experienced this type of person before. I gave her the benefit of the doubt a lot, and did alot of editing of myself to be with her. I am generally a pretty sensitive person, so I rarely stood up for myself, which I am very angry at myself for. Edited May 2, 2012 by joopjoop90
Philosoraptor Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 Don't be angry at yourself, forgive yourself. You made a poor choice and there is nothing you can do about it. Just promise yourself to learn from it and to watch for similar patterns so you don't fall for the same type of person.
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