Love triangle...and I'm the loser apparently

[jamst149]

I got involved in a relationship with a woman at work back in July. She has since gone back to her ex boyfriend. I guess I come looking for advice.

 

So for about six months prior to us starting to date I was attracted physically and emotinally to this woman. We flirted at work and had a lot of fun. She made it know that she was very unhappy in her current relationship. She has two children. One from a dead beat Dad and one from the guy she was with. he neglected her emotinally and they had essentially become roomates. She indicated that she did not see herself spending the rest of her life with him.

 

So around July of last year we started having phone conversations daily. These lasted for hours and hours. needless to say about a month later we were having sex. She was still living with this man however. Soon enough he noticed her phone bill and went crazy. All of a sudden he cared.

 

She continued to live with him for a few more months. She told him they were no longer together. Meanwhile me and her were forming a deeper and deeper relationship. We were seeing each other outside of work a lot and continued our long conversations. Come november she made the decision to move out to a new apartment.

 

For those few months this guy was off his rocker. He was stalking my apartment. He had his mother stalking my apartment. Any time her car was at my place he would start calling her incessantly. He called her a whore and told her she was a terrible mother over and over. He made a "pact" with her ten year old daughter in which he had her looking through her mothers phone for texts and calls and reporting back to him. He told both children about me and how I was breaking up their family.

 

Mind you all this time I never once met her kids. Any time we spent together was when her children were in school or when we were at work. And phone conversations took place when her kids were not around, generally once they went to sleep.

 

So once she moved out things only got worse with him. He told the youngest child (5 year old boy) not to go and stay with his mother at her new place cause he would be lonely. Basically did everything he could to manipulate the children against her.

 

Things continued like this for a while. He just could not let her go. After a few months I was starting to become frustrated with this unwillingness to let her go. He was using the kids as pawns in his attempt to get her back and unfortunately it was working rather well.

 

So come middle of march we got into an argument about where things were heading with us. I voiced my frustrations surrounding her unwillingness to take the necessary steps to put him in the past. For me this meant telling him the truth about us. She had been lying to him. She told him we werent having sex and we were just friends. She said she felt she had to do that otherwise he would get more vindictive with her children. Ultimately I wanted her to pull the trigger on filing for custody over their son. She just could not bring herself to do this.

 

So she told me she needed some time. I informed her I was not happy about that but I would grant her time. During the time off (about 4 weeks of not speaking to each other) with me out of the picture she started spending more time at her old house. This obviously resulted in her seeing her kids more since he had pretty much taken her son hostage.

 

So a week ago I wrote her an email, poured my heart out and asked if we could reconcile. A few days later she wrote me back essentially saying seeing her kids everyday for the last few weeks has been amazing and she can't imagine giving that up. With that she was terminating the lease on her apartment and moving back in with.

 

Now this seems like a terrible idea to me. Really for all involved. The two of them will never work out. She is not committed to making the relationship work with him. She told me many times she thought about giving up her own happiness for the sake of the kids. That she might be willing to live with him until the kids were out of school and then she would leave him. It seems to me this is exactly what she is attempting to do. He wants more and even though she lied to him about the extent of our relationship I am sure deep down he knows what was happening. I just think he is in denial cause there would be no other way for him to want her to come back. Of course this means the end of our relationship too which saddens me because we really were compatible on so many levels. And finally I think it's terrible for the kids too cause it is only going to confuse them more in the end.

 

Anyway as much as I don't like the decision and as much as I don't really want to move on...I feel I must try. I am experiencing a lot of anger, hurt and pain. A large part of me wants to try and bargain with her. Plead my case as to why she should be with me. However I know that won't help. If anything it will just make things worse.

 

This would be a lot easier if we didn't work together. Unfortunately we work rather closely (both ICU nurses on the same unit). It's hard to be around her at work and watch her interact with other people, sharing parts of her life meanwhile I have been shut out. It's extremely painful actually. I guess I am hoping that in time it will get easier. I am starting to think if in a few weeks that its not getting easier I may look for another job.

 

So anyway...I am quite convinced that the two of them are doomed together. That it will never work. And yes there is definitely a part of me that hopes one day we may be together again. Perhaps that's silly. On some level though we were just so compatible. We were best friends. Like we were meant to be together. And in a blink of an eye....it's gone.

[january2011]

You knew she was married and still got involved with her - she hadn't even left her previous relationship before she began one with you. Much of her behaviour, the lying and going behind everyone's back suggests a cake-eating mindset. How did you think it was all going to end?

 

It's also very difficult, if not impossible, to come between a mother's love for her children. I believe that most parents would sacrifice everything and anything for their children, even if it's at the expense of their own happiness and well being. From what I've witnessed, disgruntled ex-partners can easily leverage this tendency to sacrifice 'for the sake of the kids' to manipulate situations to their own advantage.

 

My read on the situation is that she took it as far as she could to get what she wanted from her boyfriend. And that she used you as a pawn.

 

Forget her. Actively look for a new job and in the mean time, swap shifts so that you don't have to keep running into her.

[jamst149]

She is not married to him. They were engaged at on point but she called it off and told him on many occasions she would never marry him.

 

Honestly I did not see her going back to him coming. I thought she was past that. And really I don't think its as much (if at all) her going back to him as it is her going back to live in that house for her kids.

 

And yes he leveraged that angle quite well. Meanwhile all the while he was saying things like he was trying to save the family for the kids sake it was quite clear he was doing it for himself. Otherwise why would he say all the horrible things and do all the horrible things he did to those children.

 

I think you are wrong on the getting what she wants from him angle. I am quite certain she really wants nothing from him and nothing to do with him at all but he was just so controlling and manipulative that she kind of felt like she had no choice to go back to him.

 

One of the last things she said was "If this was simply a choice between you and him you would easily win." But alas he can just not let her go without being controlling and manipulative and ultimately trying to use the kids as a pawn to get her to come back to him.

 

I guess I just think that he doesn't really know what he wants. He thinks he wants her back. But I imagine when she doesn't reciprocate any feeling of wanting to have an actual relationship with him...he will soon become disillusioned, frustrated and resentful. He wants much more then she is willing to give him.

 

It's just hard to watch someone you care about so much go back to such an awful person. To watch her give up any chance of having a meaningful and intimate relationship with an adult.

 

I am torn on the new job. I love the unit I work on. I like very much the people I work with. I don't want to leave. Just worried I may have to ultimately.

[TaraMaiden]

jamst149, may i suggest you read the No Contact Caliguy guide in my signature.

It's particularly appropriate, because the guy who originally wrote it - worked with his ex.

It's exceptionally effective - but only, of course, if you put it into practice.

Which i would suggest you do, at your soonest opportunity.

[jamst149]

jamst149, may i suggest you read the No Contact Caliguy guide in my signature.

It's particularly appropriate, because the guy who originally wrote it - worked with his ex.

It's exceptionally effective - but only, of course, if you put it into practice.

Which i would suggest you do, at your soonest opportunity.

 

 

Yeah...that is pretty much what I am attempting to do. And I told her as much. Not as a threat mind you. More so telling her that I love her, don't agree with her decision but realize that sometimes if you really love someone you have to let them go.

 

Work is hard though. I feel as though my co-workers are viewing me as the ******* as I am going out of my way to avoid any type of contact with her. They don't know the details of our relationship but they can put 2+2 together. I think it's quite obvious as we went from friends that always talked and helped one another at work to...2 people who now don't talk and don't help each other. Plus some people know she moved back in.

 

Anyway thanks. I'm just trying to figure out if staying at my place of employment is going to be feasible or not. As much as I really don't want to leave...I'm starting to think it's inevitable.