In love with my "sort of" step brother

[Amber3]

Hi all,

 

I'm young and inexperienced. I think I would need some help here.

 

When I was 9, my mom married this guy who had a 10-year-old son. We moved into a new house and from then I had a brother (I'm the only child, so was he). So after that we became step siblings and things went really well, we got along great and it was awesome for us until that son of a **** started drinking and beating up my mom and things got ugly, and they eventually divorced. That was 3 years after we moved in. They left for another city and my mom didn't allow me to stay in contact, so I didn't hear anything back from them forever.

 

That was difficult for me because I was used to having a brother... but life goes on. So I finished school and went to college to study economics. Second year in college (three months ago) out of nowhere I saw someone that I thought by a long shot that might be him. I was shocked at first but then looked up his name in the university's directory and guess what? he is studying here.

 

So I sent him an email with enthusiasm that I found him accidentally after all these years and left my cell to give me a call, and he called me half an hour later. We met at a college bar the same night and it was brilliant. We talked about everything and he told me his dad has passed away a while back for cancer, it was very sad even though I hated the bast***. I immediately liked him like I used to, and ever since we've been hanging every single day and we've become each others best friends.

 

Now I'm felling that I'm in love with him, not in the family way but in a more bf/gf way. I just don't know if he feels the same way about me? There are certain clues that might help: He's not in a relationship and neither am I. We're both single. He never touched me in a bad way or done anything weird even when we were both very drunk. He does sometimes kiss me only on the chick and forehead, never acted weird while doing it. I just don't understand if he loves me in the old brother sister way or can it be more? He always acted in the same way that I always see brother sisters do. Could he have the same feeling about me but worries about the same thing? Just a clue, he's very active on Facebook and has listed all their family (cousins, uncles, ants, ...) members, and not listed me as his sister. Can this mean (hopefully) he doesn't feel that way about me?

 

 

How can I give him some signs that I'm into him without being the assh*le in case he wasn't thinking of me in the same way? If this was a normal friendship I knew exactly what to do, but since we're former step siblings, I'm very worried that I screw the friendship. Should I just go ahead and tell him? or just kiss him when the time is right? that can complicate things if it doesnt go well. I think that's where I need most of the help.

 

And btw how do you think this would look like to our families and relatives? Would they consider this wrong? I know this relationship is not wrong, we're not blood related and we haven't even grown up together for most of our lives. But what would others feel about this? Say this happened to someone in your relatives, how would you feel about them?

 

I'm not a believer of superstitions, but I sometimes feel that it was fate that from all these universities in the country we ended up in the same place, and out of tens of thousands of students I could accidentally see him and have a wild guess that it's him after many years. My flatmate says it's fate but I don't know.

 

Thanks for reading. I'm very inexperienced in this whole thing (I'm not the kind of girl that dates since childhood, I've had only one boyfriend in my life). Any help is much appreciated.

 

 

Amber

Edited April 25, 2012 by Amber3

[gaius]

You will probably get a few raised eyebrows from people if you do end up getting together, but you're right that there is nothing wrong with it. You aren't really related. Saying you shouldn't be together would be like saying two best friends who went to the same school can't date because they spent so much time together growing up. If it happened to my relatives I'd wonder if anything was going on when they were living together but I'd be ok with it.

 

It's possible he might have feelings similar to yours but is not acting on them because of the brother/sister thing. If he didn't even do anything while drunk then you might have to take the initiative. Either get drunk again and put the moves on him yourself or sit down and have an uncomfortable, honest conversation. Can always blame it on the booze if it doesn't work out like everyone else does.

 

Another guy had a thread about how he started giving a girl he liked a small, friendly peck on the lips and made it longer over time. That might work for you too.

[mickleb]

You sound pretty confident that this is 'not wrong'. I can't say I agree with you, and doubt I'll be the only one who thinks this way.

 

I think you are confusing the close feelings you have for someone who was, and is being again, a brother to you. I think you have experienced/witnessed abuse as a child and feel safe with your step-brother. I don't think this is love and I think you should speak to a therapist about your childhood, and your current feelings.

 

I don't think you should tell your step-brother how you feel. I think this will freak him out, big-time, and you will probably lose the trust you still share. You could try to limit the time you spend with him, and make a concerted effort to date some guys. Hopefully, then, you will be able to have a relationship with someone who is not part of your family (and, yes, even though you're not related by blood and lived together for only 3 years, he is still a member of your family) and you will have the support of your step-brother for life.

 

For both your sakes, do NOT make a move on him!

 

Take care.

[RiverRunning]

I'm not sure if I agree that this is taboo. You were preteens when you lived together, and only for three years. His father's long out of the picture. Yes, his father was abusive to you and your mother - but besides the well-deserved hatred you have for him, I don't see much indication that this is necessarily still a huge, looming issue in your life in the present (then again, I don't know how old you are - I'm going to guess 18 - 20. Then again, if you live in the U.S. and you're drinking in bars, you're at least 21..)

 

I also don't know how long this guy's been back in your life. Weeks, months, years by now? The length of time you've developed this relationship can also be helpful.

 

It is worth it to try and sort out your feelings: are you lonely and a familiar person is making you happy again? You say as a kid you were happy to have a brother - was he really like a brother to you or more like a live-in friend?

 

I disagree that he's a member of your family - he was only in some of your formative years for a brief time and the marriage that bound your mother and his father is dissolved. You're not related by blood. And who both of you were at 9 - 12 is different from who you are in your 20s. As kids, you may have been more like siblings. But it's been several years and you're now adults.

 

You may get some raised eyebrows about your romantic relationship. But in my own family, as much as I hate to admit it, one of my uncles is in a live-in relationship...

...with his first cousin.

 

Yeah, it was super weird at first. But at this point, they're not having kids and it's just kind of something I've accepted. You may go through something similar with him. But if he's worth it, I say see where it goes.

[gaius]

I think you are confusing the close feelings you have for someone who was, and is being again, a brother to you. I think you have experienced/witnessed abuse as a child and feel safe with your step-brother. I don't think this is love and I think you should speak to a therapist about your childhood, and your current feelings.

I think you can psychoanalyze a lot of people out of good relationship possibilities. Does her attraction to him have something to do with what they both went through? Maybe, doesn't mean they wouldn't make a good couple. I know a lot of guys with mother issues who have had successful relationships with older women, Hugh Jackman being one. Instead of running to the therapist to deal with it he has a 16 year marriage and 2 kids with a woman old enough to be his mother.

[Amber3]

Thank you both. Gaius, I'm glad that you don't find it awkward or bad . I could do something when I'm drunk and then blame it on the booze later but that's just an excuse, it will still screw the friendship. I just need a sign for him to only notice if he's also up for it without noticing it if he's not. I could ask him whether he likes a girl or not or has anyone in mind and those kind of brother sister stuff. I could then notice if he's considering me as such? right? I could do it when drunk.

 

Thanks mickleb. I'm not sure... Do you hang with your sister almost every single day for three months? (I'm asking since I don't have any other siblings). I don't think so. But you're right about freaking him out if he's just being a brother to me and I absolutely don't wanna do that. I really don't wanna limit my time with him since I like it so much and I can't think of other guys right now. what if he wants the same thing but I go away, that's horrible isn't it?

 

Edit: some new posts are here when I was writing this

Edited April 25, 2012 by Amber3

[Amber3]

I'm not sure if I agree that this is taboo. You were preteens when you lived together, and only for three years. His father's long out of the picture. Yes, his father was abusive to you and your mother - but besides the well-deserved hatred you have for him, I don't see much indication that this is necessarily still a huge, looming issue in your life in the present (then again, I don't know how old you are - I'm going to guess 18 - 20. Then again, if you live in the U.S. and you're drinking in bars, you're at least 21..)

 

I also don't know how long this guy's been back in your life. Weeks, months, years by now? The length of time you've developed this relationship can also be helpful.

 

It is worth it to try and sort out your feelings: are you lonely and a familiar person is making you happy again? You say as a kid you were happy to have a brother - was he really like a brother to you or more like a live-in friend?

 

I disagree that he's a member of your family - he was only in some of your formative years for a brief time and the marriage that bound your mother and his father is dissolved. You're not related by blood. And who both of you were at 9 - 12 is different from who you are in your 20s. As kids, you may have been more like siblings. But it's been several years and you're now adults.

 

Thanks RiverRunning. Yeah I'm 20 and I live in Europe. Here you can go to a bar even if you're 16-17... nobody cares. He's back in my life for three months. I wouldn't way I was lonely since I'm a social character and I have a lot of friends but I didn't have a relationship or a super-close friend.

 

You may get some raised eyebrows about your romantic relationship. But in my own family, as much as I hate to admit it, one of my uncles is in a live-in relationship...

...with his first cousin.

 

Yeah, it was super weird at first. But at this point, they're not having kids and it's just kind of something I've accepted. You may go through something similar with him. But if he's worth it, I say see where it goes.

 

This isn't weirder than a relationship of first cousins, is it?

 

Thanks everyone

[gaius]

Thank you both. Gaius, I'm glad that you don't find it awkward or bad . I could do something when I'm drunk and then blame it on the booze later but that's just an excuse, it will still screw the friendship. I just need a sign for him to only notice if he's also up for it without noticing it if he's not. I could ask him whether he likes a girl or not or has anyone in mind and those kind of brother sister stuff. I could then notice if he's considering me as such? right? I could do it when drunk.

Whatever you are comfortable with Amber. The talk could work too.

 

I'll admit I vaguely remember trying unsuccessfully to make out with a female cousin when I was hitting puberty. We still talk (just never about that) and there is no awkwardness. I think if you have an excuse, like being drunk or a kid who doesn't know better it makes it easier to keep the relationship going.

 

It's always a risk bringing it up in any form but so is not bringing it up. Being stuck daydreaming about him and what might have been after he leaves is no fun either.

You may get some raised eyebrows about your romantic relationship. But in my own family, as much as I hate to admit it, one of my uncles is in a live-in relationship...

...with his first cousin.

 

Yeah, it was super weird at first. But at this point, they're not having kids and it's just kind of something I've accepted. You may go through something similar with him. But if he's worth it, I say see where it goes.

Good for you River. A lot of people would be more concerned for their own personal image and just disown them. Shows you are a good person.

[whichwayisup]

Go for it. If others feel weird about it, it's their problem. You two have clicked years later and haven't been step siblings in a very long time.

 

Start off just telling him how great it is that you two have reconnected and that you really appreciate having him in your life. See how he reacts and what he says.

[rickys]

I don't think, there is anything wrong....

If you think, you have feelings for him then you can tell him and don't worry about the future...

May be chances that he thinks in the same way........

[CC12]

You might try testing the waters a little bit during a relevant conversation by saying something like, "You know, it feels like we're much closer as friends now and I sometimes forget that you were once a step-sibling. Do you ever get that feeling?" If you get a reaction like, "Noooo, you'll always be a little sister to me." Then you'll know where he stands.

 

Having said that, these feelings you have for him might possibly come from some weird psychological sh*t that you don't recognize. Maybe your attraction to him stems from the loss of a family unit due to divorce, and you want that back. Maybe it's because you two were on the same "team" while the parents were fighting. I don't know. Neither do you, probably. But you might want to explore that before pursuing your feelings. Does your university offer counseling to students?