j13b Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 I found out on Easter Sunday that my Husband was having an affair with a married man! I had a clue something was going on for ages, I never thought it would be this! He has told me that he has broken it off with him and we have booked a relationship counselling session which is a week tomorrow, but I cant help this niggling feeling that I am not going to be *man* enough for him anymore. He doesn't seem to have any remorse and is fed up with my emotional changes that I am having at the moment, he even asked if I was on my period I started off wanting to cling onto him but now I feel like I can't live with this, I know it is early days and that my emotions are going to be all over the place. I have lost 22 lbs in weight and can't sleep, I guess this is natural. I guess I will just have to wait to see what the counselling can provide! We have been together 20 years in August and have a 15 year old Daughter.
CarrieT Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 I am here for you - and I went through the same thing almost 23 years ago when I came home early from work one day and found my husband with another man. First and foremost, you must go and get yourself tested for STDs and HIV. And then get tested again in 90 days. This is critical. Back when it happened to me, I had to get tested every six months for almost a decade because they weren't sure if HIV could like dormant or not. Then you need to enter into counseling; I would suggest both individual counseling and marriage counseling. You need to know what brought him to the point of cheating but also if his homosexual tendencies were just experimentation or a lifestyle desire. I ultimately got divorced but we never had children. You are not alone and we are here to help you through this <<< hugs >>>
Author j13b Posted April 24, 2012 Author Posted April 24, 2012 Thank you Carrie. I have asked him to get tested and he has agreed. We have the couples counselling booked, might just mention to him about singles counselling! Thanks for the hugs, just what I needed :-)
SomedayDig Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 Sorry that you're here with us J. While an affair is tragic, I can't imagine being in your shoes. Seems that it's a double whammy with the confusion about homosexuality. I can only say that we're all here to support you and listen to you. I wish you peace in the coming days, weeks and months. I found out about my wife's affair 7 weeks ago tonight. Just remember...day by day. Don't rush anything and I'm happy to hear that you've already agreed to MC and him getting tested for STD's. ((hugs))
Author j13b Posted April 25, 2012 Author Posted April 25, 2012 Thank you. Have woken up this morning in an emotional state, yesterday was anger, this is just like bereavement isn't it! Are you still with your Wife? is it any easier after 7 weeks? Sorry to be nosey.
SomedayDig Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 You're not being "nosey" at all. Yes, this is like bereavement in every sense of the matter. I am still with my wife as we both decided to give the marriage a second chance. Mind you...this is after finding out that she had a FIVE YEAR affair with another man. Is it any easier after 7 weeks? Yes and no. Some things are a bit easier now, like I had tremendous issues with "mind movies" for the first several weeks. They seem to have diminished quite a bit. However, I still have questions that I ask of my wife about the affair. That she has committed to telling me the truth, well...I don't need to tell you that can sting my heart. Yet, the only way to heal it is to feel it.
standtall Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 Your husband is showing that he has no control of hedonistic impulses. I give you marriage zero chance of survival unless you're willing to share your husband with other men that he is having butt sex with and all the other things that gay men do to each other, and the risk of aids that comes with that. Start preparing to move on.
CarrieT Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 Thank you Carrie. I have asked him to get tested and he has agreed. j13b, YOU need to get tested! If he was having unprotected sex with a man and having unprotected sex with you, he may have very well have given you a life sentence of death. Talk to your doctor - you don't just get tested once because HIV can lie dormant for some time. This is now going to be your job for several years to get tested every three to six months just to be sure you haven't been given the HIV virus. It is going to take a lot of time - seven weeks, seven months, or seven years - may not be enough to feel truly healed. You have a long path in front of you and both MC and IC is critical. I'm not going to start out by telling you all the horrible things you will start to think and believe, but having individual counseling will help you through those rough parts that will be inevitable. Hang in there. 1
Author j13b Posted April 25, 2012 Author Posted April 25, 2012 Thanks Carrie. I will be getting tested too. I really want to give our marriage a try and know that it might not work out in the end but at least I can say I get it my all!! SamedayDig, I know what you mean about "mind movies" they seem to be my every waking hour at the moment. I am pleased you are still with your wife and that she is being honest with you when you have questions. I have a load of those for my Husband! Thanks Guys, this place really helps :-) 1
SomedayDig Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 Glad to be here for you J. The mind movies will subside after a while. At this stage I may get them once a day, however in the beginning I couldn't escape them. As for the questions, well my dear - you deserve to ask anything you want and he is expected to answer them with complete honesty. Do NOT sell yourself short on any question you feel you need to ask. This place does help to give you some idea of what others are going through and have gone through. It's helped me a tremendous amount!
stillafool Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 OP I feel so sorry for you. What a shock? How long have you been married? Did you ever suspect gay tendencies from him? Oh this is terrible. I really can't see how you can ever compete with the sex between two men. I would be afraid to ever have sex with him again after knowing what he's done. I don't think I could ever look at him again. What can couple's counseling do about his desires to be with a man? His desire is going to be there no matter what. My aunt was married to a man who sneaked off to have sex with other men and they had a daughter also. My cousin told me that when she was 9 she came home from school with her little friend and they caught her dad and another man having sex. They didn't stop. She said it scared her so much that her friend grabbed her by the hand and drug her out of the house and told her she could come over to her house until my aunt got home from work. Do you know my aunt still didn't divorce him. He would go off every weekend to be with men. It was really sick. My father hated this man so much for what he was doing to his sister. I just don't see how he is going to change his stripes and I hope you don't waste your life the way my aunt did.
Author j13b Posted April 25, 2012 Author Posted April 25, 2012 I hear what you are saying stillafool but I do have to at least give it a try then I know I have done what I can! We have been married 16 years and been together 20 years. I have never seen gay tendencies before, I have caught him with pictures of naked women on his phone before which he had downloaded off the web, I thought that was bad at the time, seems like nothing now :-(
NervisPervis Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 Bad news. This is not the only man he has ever had sex with. You know how I know? If a man wants sex and is willing to go outside of his marriage for it, and if he likes men just as much as women, and he knows that women are the ones that say "no" to sex, guess where he goes? You got it. TO THE GAY BAR! Personally, I dont believe in the bi-sexual man. He's gay. It's just easier to go the other way if you've been brought up thinking it's socially acceptable. 1
stillafool Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 Bad news. This is not the only man he has ever had sex with. You know how I know? If a man wants sex and is willing to go outside of his marriage for it, and if he likes men just as much as women, and he knows that women are the ones that say "no" to sex, guess where he goes? You got it. TO THE GAY BAR! Personally, I dont believe in the bi-sexual man. He's gay. It's just easier to go the other way if you've been brought up thinking it's socially acceptable. I agree and almost said this in my post. There is a book called "Down Low" that was written by a MM who had sex with men on the side. He was on Oprah and what he said about this secret sex was incredible.
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