How do I handle a Wife who states her Ex is her Soul Mate

[Yort96]

Hopefully this post actually gets responses unlike my others so I will keep it short and sweet and provide more details should someone care to respond. I married my wife Jan of this year. She and I are both divorced and met almost right when we were both finalized with our Ex's. However now that we are married my wife's ex is stating he wants her back, that they are soul mates and to leave me to go back to him. I am understanding of his attempts, however my wife refuses to get rid of a tattoo with his name as it is her "first true love" and is her soul mate. My wife states she wants kids with me and that nothing would ever start with them again, however she hides talking with him and does not like to talk about the matter with me. She also seems to care more about his feelings and tells me about how bad it is that she continues to break his heart. I am at a loss at what I should do as I do not want another divorce and she does not either.

[Soul_Lost]

Are there children involved from these previous marriages?

[Yort96]

With her no, however I do have a 3 yr old daughter with my ex. Who my wife loves

[Soul_Lost]

Then from what you have posted, there should be ZERO contact between them, unless they are financially obligated to. There is obviously an issue between them that caused them to seperate in the first place.

 

I would handle this with caution and almost treat it like an affair in that there has to be NC (No Contact) in that they have such a history together. I would reverse roles and ask her if you started doing the same thing to her, how that would make her feel. Perhaps from that approach she can understand what you are feeling.

[Yort96]

I have done that exactly. She states it would kill her for her to find that information if I were to do the same thing. However it has been on going more than 4 seperate occasions that were hidden to the point he has told her he is buying her a one way ticket and that he wants to know that she would leave me for him. They have a car loan together which is the only financial obligation to each other. However she feels bad for hurting him which caused the divorce and feels that she owes him now, seemingly more important than my feelings.

[Yort96]

I appreciate your response, and NC seems like the best answer. However I believe if I push NC, it will just become more of a hidden emotional affair and cause her to resent me from pulling her from her "Best Friend" My primary concern is that she desperatly wants children. In my last marriage I felt that I was just a sperm donor and that was it. I do not want to be in that postition again, but at the same time her clock is ticking as she already has to see a doctor and try possibly extreme measures to get pregnant. I just do not want to be "That guy" with two ex wifes with two kids both from different mothers. At the same time do not want to lose her in the process as I believe given time this will go away.

[Soul_Lost]

How long were they married and how long were you dating before you guys got married? I am just curious if there was enough time between the two. Do you know the real reason they got divorced?

 

I noticed that you are in Germany so I am assuming that her exH is in the same country. Do you know if he is involved with anyone? You could possibly approach his SO (significant other) and let them in on what you have determined to be going on.

[Yort96]

I am a service member in Germany, he was as well but was stationed stateside right before the divorce. I (like most military) seem to live relationships very quickly. She was seperated from her ex during his tour in afghanistan for a year, tried to make it work for a short couple of months, and cut ties in JUL last year. Divorce was finalized in the begining of OCT and that is when we met. After dating for about a week ( I know it was fast) we pretty much moved in together, mid OCT and have been inseperable since. We married late JAN this year while on leave after meeting families and have had no issues but this. I was seperated since NOV 10, and officially divorced AUG 11. We both dated for awhile with nothing working out until we met eachother, since it has seemed almost to good to be true.

 

He ex went back to his ex fiancee prior to them getting married almost 5 years ago, and recently cut it off due to her not wanting to be with him.

 

I believe he is hurt and vulnerable due to loosing his ex fiancee and wants back with my wife due to it being familiar. I have approached him by email stating I would share details with his fiancee about them. He did not respond due to my wife calling him and telling him to ignore my message and not worry about me that she would handle it.

 

Sorry for being long winded, I really do appreciate your responses.

[Yort96]

The real reason they got divorced was they were both verbally and physically abusive to each other. She cheated on him when he stopped contacting her for no reason, he became overbearing. Upon return from deployment he took another girl on a vacation and cheated on her. They cut ties after all the hurt they caused eachother. She still blames herself for everything

[Soul_Lost]

So it seems to me that she is in the right place physically and mentally but the emotional part has not followed. The very nature of her previous marriage was toxic and now her exH is reaching out because he feels "alone". Your marriage is only 3 months old but she still has the emotional baggage from her previous marriage. The fact that she states she would be devastated if you did the same thing tells me she knows it's wrong but is continuing to talk to him.

 

The trick here is to get them to not communicate. As long as communication is happening then she has no time to commit herself to the marriage which is what you need.

 

Others will probably tell you no harm no foul but I don't see it that way. He has got to be removed from the equation if you are to ever seal the deal in the marriage. There can be no lingering emotions for the past. You and her are in the present and you cannot unwind the clock. I understand you are still in the "honeymoon" phase and do not wish to rock the boat but I think in this case you really need to impress upon her the damage this can cause.

[g450]

Yort,

 

I have read the thread and have come to an ugly conclusion.

 

Your marriage is stillborn. She only wants you to have children. You are a sperm donor and a pay check to her. She is obviously still in love with her Ex.

 

That's the way I read it. Sorry if this upsets you but I think some others here might agree with me.

 

You have only been married a year. I would cut your losses right now before she gets pregnant. You are nothing but a baby donner and a glorified rebound. It is so obviouse that the toxins from her last marriage are already seeping into yours. I dont see any good coming from this.

 

I am normally pro marriage but I see your situation differently. I see her having an affair, you gettind divorced and then having to pay child support for the rest of your life. Just food for thought.

[Black Jack]

Hopefully this post actually gets responses unlike my others so I will keep it short and sweet and provide more details should someone care to respond. I married my wife Jan of this year. She and I are both divorced and met almost right when we were both finalized with our Ex's. However now that we are married my wife's ex is stating he wants her back, that they are soul mates and to leave me to go back to him.

 

You wanna handle this situation? Throw her out and divorce her.

 

I am understanding of his attempts,

 

"Understanding of his attempts?" The loser is trying to move in on your wife, and so far she's letting him. I wonder will you have the same compassion for this idiot when he finally has sex with her again at your expense.

 

however my wife refuses to get rid of a tattoo with his name as it is her "first true love" and is her soul mate.

 

You married a woman with another man's name on her skin? Damn man that's one horrible mistake you made. She has no respect for you or herself.

 

My wife states she wants kids with me and that nothing would ever start with them again, however she hides talking with him and does not like to talk about the matter with me. She also seems to care more about his feelings and tells me about how bad it is that she continues to break his heart. I am at a loss at what I should do as I do not want another divorce and she does not either.

 

Point blank this woman is cuckolding you and you're allowing it. What she basically said here is that she wants to have kids by you so she can squeeze your money, while screwing her ex husband on the side. And best believe if she doesn't have a kid by you she'll go have a kid by that loser, or from some other loser or maybe even both. She wants the best of both worlds. A cake eater is what she is. Please divorce her.

[standtall]

Hold out on having kids for several years. Here defense of the relationship does not bode well.

[RiverRunning]

I don't see this one ending well. A relatively short-term relationship (You guys have only known each other for about 8 months? Whoo-wee) and you're ALREADY in the throes of this. It doesn't matter that you're married and this is the 'only' hurdle you've had - this is a huge hurdle that apparently surfaced after what, just 3 or 4 months together?

 

It may well wane with time.

 

However, I had an ex who was hung up on his ex. They had been mostly done with each other for 2 years when I came along and we started dating (his relationship with her was a 1-yr LDR - they maybe saw each other for a grand total of 3 weeks).

 

TWO YEARS LATER, THAT ENTIRE NIGHTMARE FINALLY ENDED. He stopped talking about her constantly, etc. So, he spent four years being hung up on his ex. He's still calling me and wanting to get back together, and while I've mostly forgiven him, that was a lot of damage for me to take, OP. Are you ready to face the fact that it might be 3, 5, 10, 40 years before she's really done with this guy - if ever?

 

Lay down your terms and see how she responds to them. I might say something like, "Janet, it really bothers me that you're still talking to him, especially after how he treated you when you were together. I want us to have a fresh start. Besides talking to my ex regarding our child, she and I don't have a relationship. I would prefer it if, other than that, exes were out of the picture."

 

If she's resistant or throws the blame back at you (I've noticed that's a common one for people still cozying up to an ex - "You're just jealous!" "You're just being irrational!" You know what? Sometimes jealousy is well-deserved, and I believe it is here), BAIL.

 

If she seems receptive and you two can work out a plan to get him out of your life, congratulations. You may well be on your way to wedded bliss. But I'd say counseling is in order for this one. And that's a bit of a scary sign when you've not yet even made it to a year and you've already got an issue the size of Jupiter on your shoulders.

[Yort96]

I appreciate all the responses. Since my last post he has only contacted her to tell her how f'd up it is she is not giving them another chance. She seems to be coming around slowly but I'm unsure if there is more communication between them that she is not telling me about. She seems to be better at keeping me informed when he contacts her, but it is still going on. I do not want to jump to conclusions and bail so soon, I believe it is something that can be worked out. However I am not going to have a child with her until I am certain there will be no issues. I think given time he will stop, but I also think this could potentially last for awhile, and if that is the case she will have to make her choice between him or myself.

[TaraMaiden]

I appreciate all the responses. Since my last post he has only contacted her to tell her how f'd up it is she is not giving them another chance. She seems to be coming around slowly but I'm unsure if there is more communication between them that she is not telling me about. She seems to be better at keeping me informed when he contacts her, but it is still going on. I do not want to jump to conclusions and bail so soon, I believe it is something that can be worked out. However I am not going to have a child with her until I am certain there will be no issues. I think given time he will stop, but I also think this could potentially last for awhile, and if that is the case she will have to make her choice between him or myself.

If you leave the ball in her court, she will just keep bouncing it, leaving you wondering when she's going to bat it - across to him.

 

you issue an ultimatum;

Cease all contact now and we get counselling.

or

Walk and get out of my life and let me sleep easy at night because you have no right to him and me.

 

and whatever she decides, hold to it and do what you have to do.

[happyme]

You are not going to have a child with her? Really? Says who? Just be very careful...

 

Hope it all works out for you.

[Radu]

You are not going to have a child with her? Really? Says who? Just be very careful...

 

Hope it all works out for you.

 

For someone who decided to put his life on the line by working in the military, you are awefully stupid OP.

Comrades in arms, friends through thick and thin ... need i remind you what you are into OP ?

Why can't you apply the same standards to this woman, how come this glorified wet hole has in just a few short months gotten more power over you when you made such a decision at a young age ?

 

I'll tell you what i see wrong :

1 - she killed her last relationship, you are in the Army so you know the reputation of the women who screw around on guys deployed in a warzone ... you know what they are called

2 - she jumped from him to you, rebound ... you never have a serious relationship with a rebound

3 - she has her ex's name tattoed on herself ... how stupid can this woman be. Doing something like this shows she doesn't think ahead. That says ownership.

And she even tells you he is her 'soul-mate'.

4 - you really think having a baby is your choice you idiot ?

If she is on BC she will just 'forget' a pill midway between menstruations. If you use condoms you will find them punctured.

And she doesn't even need you to cum in her. All she has to do is to have sex with her with a condom, she can just retrieve it and put the juice in her ... are you really this stupid OP ?

 

OP, you are in the army and in Germany of all countries (girls are not as stuck up as the US ones not to mention that Germany has a very nice nudist reputation ... so it's not like they are bloody prudes), if you need sex, get a FB. If you can't get one, it's cheaper to go to Amsterdam on leave or one of the local brothels.

At least there you know the rate before you get down and dirty.

[Try]

However now that we are married my wife's ex is stating he wants her back, that they are soul mates and to leave me to go back to him. I am understanding of his attempts, however my wife refuses to get rid of a tattoo with his name as it is her "first true love" and is her soul mate.

Read what you wrote. She is not even trying to tell you that they are just friends or that he respects your marriage. He is in contact with her because he is trying to get her back and she is letting him try. She admits that she still has feeling for him and that they both consider each other their "soul mates". She even still has and intends to keep a tattoo with his name on it because she still cherishes him in her heart. With her history of cheating on him, she shows that she does not respect the boundaries of marraige.

 

This is all wrong. Time will not fix this. You moved too fast. She is in love with him and not you. I for one would not even try to stay in this marraige, but if you do, full and immediate no contact (NC) must be enforced. If she even tries to ask you to allow some contact (much less has contact with him again), you need to dump her and move on. If you think with your head you know that this is the right thing to do.

[pink_sugar]

You don't. If she thinks her ex is her soul mate, she shouldn't be with you. He's an EX for a reason.

[Michael Johnson]

Divorce is how you can handle her.