Jump to content

My husband is a roller coaster of emotions because of me, I had an affair!

November-Rain

By November-Rain
in Infidelity

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

nofool4u Established Member

nofool4u

Posted
Posted
I am in no position to give advice as how to approach NovRain about the ways she can compassionately speak with her H about her A, but please!!!! Will you stop judging and reading in things that aren't there and help her. Perhaps this section of LS should be renamed from "Infidelity" to "Cheaters B Bashed".

 

Rain, you didn't come here to be psychoanalyzed or bashed. I wish I knew what to say to help. I do think that you should listen to your H and be remorseful, but you cannot put up with abuse of any kind. Arguing is one thing, but abuse is beyond that.

 

I agree with everything you said since NR is being an open door.

 

However, until you yourself decide to quit lying and abusing your husband, and quit only worrying about whether you'll get custody if he ever does find out, let someone else make this point.

nofool4u Established Member

nofool4u

Posted
Posted

What you perceive as lying, I sense as real fear. NR is in love with an abusive angry man;)

 

First, I gotta ask, whats the reason for the wink at the end of the above sentence?

 

Second, I agree this is different. I haven't read her back story, and I probably missed it here, but was he always violent? Or did the cheating bring this out in him?

 

Don't get me wrong, holding a gun to someone's head is just plain insane, and I can't imagine the fear NR had.

 

Just wondering if this was a one time thing, or if he became really angry after the cheating from that point on? Trust me I know how being cheated on can even drive the most sane person insane. Although I never even had a thought of pulling a gun on my x-wife, I did have thoughts of slapping the piss out of her for satisfaction, but I'd never do that.

 

If he has always been this way, I'm sorry, I don't see what there is to love then.

 

She cheated on him, but she still loves him.

 

Sorry, I'd never cheat on someone I love. It just wouldn't even enter my mind.

nofool4u Established Member

nofool4u

Posted
Posted

I find it hard to believe that there are moderators on this board and they are doing their job .

 

Its probably because Plan is refraining from outright name-calling or profanity (unless I missed it).

 

I know people aren't liking it, but he is stating an opinion, calling it as he sees it(whether he is right or wrong), and simply being a little annoying. Probably not a reason for banning. I might be wrong though.

bestplayer Established Member

bestplayer

Posted
Posted
My husband is a roller coaster of emotions because of me!

 

I posted quite some time ago in regards to the day I was caught, it became very violent and scary for a while. I was also being monitored on the computer- so, I stopped writing until now.

 

Been married almost 17yrs. We have 3 boys. His line of work is law enforcement and for most of our marriage has worked the graveyard shift + a lot of overtime! In other words I have felt I have been a single mom raising my boys 24/7, up until I foolishly decided to give myself a break in the most selfish way possible in order to escape! I had an affair 2 yrs.ago, not thinking of how my horrible actions would affect not only my boys, my husband but even me. I ask myself to this day...why did I not think to talk to my husband and get counseling before I had started this affair? My thoughts are now that-we had grown so far apart, that maybe subconsciously I wanted out, obviously not in the smartest way possible....I am so very sorry now for what I did to my husband.

 

I don't believe I even cared at the time, I even thought I was in love with this person. All I knew at the time is that this person made me feel like a woman again. I felt loved and appreciated I was not ignored or put aside, he actually took the time to listen to me. I had a friend who was willing to take me on and the children. I wanted to leave my husband and go live with this person. I was so dumb and naive. I do realize that now-that it was all a fantasy and that I was confusing this temporary bliss with something possibly real and long lasting at the time. I now live with so much guilt on a day to day basis. Only when I did get caught, did I realize and wake up to find that it could have and can still be too late to repair the damage I have done to my husband. My children seem to have recovered okay, however, my husband still has days, even after two years he gets very angry and he grills me on details of the affair. Some days are good and other days are pure hell! I just want to curl up and die at times. Most difficult thing I have ever been through in my life!

 

It has been exhausting to try and prove every single day that you can be trusted again. I live my life as an open book. I rarely get any time alone or privacy-someone is always with me. It's not a good feeling at all. However, this is what I have to go through in order to prove myself. It's also been an embarrassment to know that although I've always been a model wife, that I now carry this strike against my reputation. I encounter people from time to time that know what happened- it's usually a glare or a snide remark that I get. It hurts really bad. My husband has had lots of good friends and support and goes from time to time to vent with them when he is having a particular bad day. I do not have anyone to go to aside from here that I can express myself with.

 

Does it ever get better? It's been 2 yrs. and it's still hard to live with the guilt, because some way some how I am constantly reminded of what I have done. That's why I am here. I am nowhere near the point to ever forgiving myself for what I have done to hurt my family, will I ever come to that point? Thank you in advance from any helpful advice.

 

Hey N-R, I remember you I wondered where have you been . Its great that you have come back . Hope you stay here & get the insights that you are looking for .

 

Best of luck

  • Like 1
standtall Established Member

standtall

Posted
Posted

NR, put some posters on your ignore list..simple. I do all the time.

  • Like 4
Bellechica Established Member

Bellechica

Posted
Posted

I don't believe novRain is asking for opinions. She specifically asked if a WS gets to a point where he/she can forgive him/herself. Does the guilt pass with time?

  • Like 1
twosadthings Established Member

twosadthings

Posted
Posted

I've loved the same woman for over forty years and have never cheated on her or been betrayed by her but I have many things in our relationship that I feel guilty about.

 

I think/know the feelings will for you, have for me, lessen but not if you keep posting about them. Not if you keep frequenting places where they can be gouged by you and others repeatedly. Take what you've learned from this site and the other site and work at making yourself better. Don't keep the wound fresh. It is too dangerous.

  • Like 1
William Established Member

William

Posted
Posted (edited)

Closed for moderator review. Thanks for your participation. To the thread starter, if you wish to invite further on-topic discussion, please PM me later today.

 

 

Per request, thread now open for on-topic postings within community guidelines.

Edited by William
  • Like 1
anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

Posted
Posted
I don't believe novRain is asking for opinions. She specifically asked if a WS gets to a point where he/she can forgive him/herself. Does the guilt pass with time?

 

In time, yes. I felt guilt for a long time. But you cannot live long-term beating yourself up over what you did, you have to get past that to live a healthy, happy life. I will always feel remorse for what I did - that will never go. However I will not let guilt come between my H and I having a happy marriage. He would not want that either (and yes, we have talked about this).

 

However for NovRain, her husband is not allowing her to let go of the guilt. He is obviously still in so much pain and whilst he is like that, they cannot move on. They need to have both MC and IC to help them work through this as a couple and also to deal with their own personal issues from the affair.

 

Whilst things are left unsaid and allowed to fester, true reconciliation cannot happen (and yes Belle, that also applies to you - if you want to PM me about your situation, please do. I do understand so much of what you have said and posted. T/j over :))

Spark1111 Established Member

Spark1111

Posted
Posted
Yes.

 

 

 

No I divorced.

 

 

 

Her reasons for divorce are not entirely based on an actual commitment level towards the hubby. His reasons are because he's still processing what he knows about her (or lack thereof).

 

 

 

Stubborn and angry for being betrayed and refusing to go to see some bullsht counselor who's going to take only one side, like you're doing now? You bias for women is clouding your judgement, and you're ignoring his pain in order to paint your specific picture of betrayed men.

 

 

 

There's no relationship to even discuss, as he knows nothing of all her other affairs. And you're equating abuse with resentment and stamping it on all men who are rightly angry for being screwed over because you have your own issues with men in general. She never cared about anything except for when she was going to see her OM, and then goes home and lies in his face. That's not the definition of a wife.

 

Sorry but every man in this world is not some pushover who will lay down and accept a crappy relationship "for the sake of the kids and family."

 

 

 

So because he's skeptical of his wife and isn't in a deep state of denial as these other spouses are, that makes him arrogant? Clearly you have a problem with men who have common sense and confidence not to lay down like dogs and take unjustified whippings. It's pretty sad that he's being ridiculed for being pissed at something he had no control over, something that was kept from him until he had to find out himself. That's a pompous attitude and reeks of the beta mentality.

 

 

 

And I am back to my original statement: It's not a relationship. It's just a piece of paper and two rings based on one big ass lie. What part of that do you not understand?

 

 

 

What does it matter to you? Anything he does with his time you'll ridicule him and label him as abusive, as you do all other betrayed husbands who are angry.

 

 

 

In this situation it took one to **** it up. So no, your claim that it takes two to make a marriage does not apply here. This is not your typical fixer-upper issue. This is years of lies and disrespect.

 

 

 

Yes you are. You're saying either he gets over it and accept his disrespectful wife and further resistance means he's nothing but an abuser. You're just proving my point over and over again with your bias statements, no offense.

 

 

 

All you're doing is ridiculing him over and over again for something he is not at fault for in order to put an angel hat on her. Please take a minute and look at the situation objectively for once.

 

WoW! Angry much??????

HHC Established Member

HHC

Posted
Posted
I have done everything he has asked me without fail for two years! Does anyone out there understand, or are all of you just bashing people to make them feel worse than they already do.

You are simply not speaking his language. What you are saying and how you are saying it is not getting through.

You need to change how you are saying everything and what you are saying. You need to find out what your husband's concerns and fears are and do everything you can do alleviate them

  • Like 1
findingnemo Established Member

findingnemo

Posted
Posted

So how are things going, NR?

Spark1111 Established Member

Spark1111

Posted
Posted
In time, yes. I felt guilt for a long time. But you cannot live long-term beating yourself up over what you did, you have to get past that to live a healthy, happy life. I will always feel remorse for what I did - that will never go. However I will not let guilt come between my H and I having a happy marriage. He would not want that either (and yes, we have talked about this).

 

However for NovRain, her husband is not allowing her to let go of the guilt. He is obviously still in so much pain and whilst he is like that, they cannot move on. They need to have both MC and IC to help them work through this as a couple and also to deal with their own personal issues from the affair.

 

Whilst things are left unsaid and allowed to fester, true reconciliation cannot happen (and yes Belle, that also applies to you - if you want to PM me about your situation, please do. I do understand so much of what you have said and posted. T/j over :))

 

NR, Listen to Anne! She is very wise.

 

I agree I had to wait for my H to get over his guilt, not his remorse, because it was IMPEDING our reconciliation.

 

Did I still have angry days, triggers, moments? You bet I did at the two year mark!

 

But we were learning how to express and handle those bad days without causing furthing destruction to the relationship we were trying to rebuild.

 

Was it easy? HELL NO!!!!

 

But when the guilt was finally starting to abate, through the work of a good therapist, my H became more supportive of me! Which is what I so needed to heal!

 

I grew less angry with his support. We could get beyond the details and the lies to start to get down to the "whys" of it all. That was really important to me, that he discover his "why." Then we could take steps to prevent it from ever happening to us again!

 

That is the reassurance I needed, most BSs need.

 

Does he still apologize? Yes, he does though it is not necessary for me.

  • Like 1
Ninja'sHusband Established Member

Ninja'sHusband

Posted
Posted
NR, Listen to Anne! She is very wise.

 

I agree I had to wait for my H to get over his guilt, not his remorse, because it was IMPEDING our reconciliation.

 

Did I still have angry days, triggers, moments? You bet I did at the two year mark!

 

But we were learning how to express and handle those bad days without causing furthing destruction to the relationship we were trying to rebuild.

 

Was it easy? HELL NO!!!!

 

But when the guilt was finally starting to abate, through the work of a good therapist, my H became more supportive of me! Which is what I so needed to heal!

 

I grew less angry with his support. We could get beyond the details and the lies to start to get down to the "whys" of it all. That was really important to me, that he discover his "why." Then we could take steps to prevent it from ever happening to us again!

 

That is the reassurance I needed, most BSs need.

 

Does he still apologize? Yes, he does though it is not necessary for me.

Guilt was a massive issue for my WW. It caused her to be super sensitive to anything I said, even the smallest complaint would freak her out for a while there. It's important to get over it. Failure to do basic things like full truth, NC, and transparency kinda make it hard for a BS to let go though. I dunno your story well enough to know what you've done, just talking in general.

  • Like 2
Snowflower Established Member

Snowflower

Posted
Posted

 

I grew less angry with his support. We could get beyond the details and the lies to start to get down to the "whys" of it all. That was really important to me, that he discover his "why." Then we could take steps to prevent it from ever happening to us again!

 

That is the reassurance I needed, most BSs need.

 

 

Hiya Spark,

 

Re: the bolded...wouldn't it be more accurate to say "Then he (meaning your H) could take steps to prevent it from ever happening to him/us again?

 

Because in my mind, a WS has to not only understand why they did what they did (my H never reached that point) but also be able to know what they, the WS, has to do to prevent themselves from having another A.

 

I liken this to the saying, "those who do not understand history are doomed to repeat it."

 

A WS must understand why they had the affair in the first place and be able to know what they need to do on their own, without their BS's help, to not fall into that trap again.

 

After all, the decision to pursue an attraction is a decision the WS makes by themselves.

 

What will the fWS do if they find themselves attracted to another person? Hey, it happens. We are all human and there are a lot of potential "friends" out there for any one of us.

 

What will the fWS do if they are unhappy in the marriage and they find themselves attracted to another person?

 

What will the fWS do if they are unhappy in themselves and this happens?

 

Just my thoughts! :D

  • Like 1
East7 Established Member

East7

Posted
Posted (edited)

November,

I remember your threads 2 years ago.

If you came here to vent I think that you are really fed up with the situation and living a hell. You can't live the rest of your life sitting on a cactus. I agree with a previous post of Snowflower, sometimes it just doesn't work no matter how hard you try.

 

Maybe you had somehow emotionally checked out of your M even before the A started. The A was probably the consequence of feeling miserable not the cause.

 

You can't be happy until you feel supported and forgiven but also until you have totally addressed the issues that lead you to the A in first place.

 

Just my thoughts..

Edited by East7
  • Like 2
Spark1111 Established Member

Spark1111

Posted
Posted
Hiya Spark,

 

Re: the bolded...wouldn't it be more accurate to say "Then he (meaning your H) could take steps to prevent it from ever happening to him/us again?

 

Because in my mind, a WS has to not only understand why they did what they did (my H never reached that point) but also be able to know what they, the WS, has to do to prevent themselves from having another A.

 

I liken this to the saying, "those who do not understand history are doomed to repeat it."

 

A WS must understand why they had the affair in the first place and be able to know what they need to do on their own, without their BS's help, to not fall into that trap again.

 

After all, the decision to pursue an attraction is a decision the WS makes by themselves.

 

What will the fWS do if they find themselves attracted to another person? Hey, it happens. We are all human and there are a lot of potential "friends" out there for any one of us.

 

What will the fWS do if they are unhappy in the marriage and they find themselves attracted to another person?

 

What will the fWS do if they are unhappy in themselves and this happens?

 

Just my thoughts! :D

 

I love Winston Churchill's quote!

 

All true, snow, and we have had some major arguments in trying to establish his boundaries, KWIM?

 

many he undertook on his own, and for that I am proud of him!

 

But one day he told me I had nothing to worry about beause a particular co-worker he had to work with alone....he found unattractive.

 

I told him not good enough, because I never thought his OW, and neither did others, find attractive. So I needed MORE reassurance and attraction wasn't my, his, our issue.

 

See what I mean? It is not easy getting these WSs to dig deeper. They dontwanna!

 

But I hold nothing back either, and if my spidey sense tingles....it's getting hashed out right then and there!

Bellechica Established Member

Bellechica

Posted
Posted

NovemberRain? Are you ok???

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...