My husband is a roller coaster of emotions because of me, I had an affair!

April 24, 2012

My husband is a roller coaster of emotions because of me!

I posted quite some time ago in regards to the day I was caught, it became very violent and scary for a while. I was also being monitored on the computer- so, I stopped writing until now.

Been married almost 17yrs. We have 3 boys. His line of work is law enforcement and for most of our marriage has worked the graveyard shift + a lot of overtime! In other words I have felt I have been a single mom raising my boys 24/7, up until I foolishly decided to give myself a break in the most selfish way possible in order to escape! I had an affair 2 yrs.ago, not thinking of how my horrible actions would affect not only my boys, my husband but even me. I ask myself to this day...why did I not think to talk to my husband and get counseling before I had started this affair? My thoughts are now that-we had grown so far apart, that maybe subconsciously I wanted out, obviously not in the smartest way possible....I am so very sorry now for what I did to my husband.

I don't believe I even cared at the time, I even thought I was in love with this person. All I knew at the time is that this person made me feel like a woman again. I felt loved and appreciated I was not ignored or put aside, he actually took the time to listen to me. I had a friend who was willing to take me on and the children. I wanted to leave my husband and go live with this person. I was so dumb and naive. I do realize that now-that it was all a fantasy and that I was confusing this temporary bliss with something possibly real and long lasting at the time. I now live with so much guilt on a day to day basis. Only when I did get caught, did I realize and wake up to find that it could have and can still be too late to repair the damage I have done to my husband. My children seem to have recovered okay, however, my husband still has days, even after two years he gets very angry and he grills me on details of the affair. Some days are good and other days are pure hell! I just want to curl up and die at times. Most difficult thing I have ever been through in my life!

It has been exhausting to try and prove every single day that you can be trusted again. I live my life as an open book. I rarely get any time alone or privacy-someone is always with me. It's not a good feeling at all. However, this is what I have to go through in order to prove myself. It's also been an embarrassment to know that although I've always been a model wife, that I now carry this strike against my reputation. I encounter people from time to time that know what happened- it's usually a glare or a snide remark that I get. It hurts really bad. My husband has had lots of good friends and support and goes from time to time to vent with them when he is having a particular bad day. I do not have anyone to go to aside from here that I can express myself with.

Does it ever get better? It's been 2 yrs. and it's still hard to live with the guilt, because some way some how I am constantly reminded of what I have done. That's why I am here. I am nowhere near the point to ever forgiving myself for what I have done to hurt my family, will I ever come to that point? Thank you in advance from any helpful advice.

April 24, 2012

What are the two of you actively DOING to rebuild the marriage and recover from the affair?

Have you been in marriage counseling? Having the guidance of a good, neutral third party was critical for my wife and I during our recovery. We had to find that balance...me getting answers to my questions WITHOUT making her feel like a punching bag.

Her rebuilding my trust in her without feeling like it could/would never happen.

MC, and IC on both of your parts would probably be a VERY good step.

April 24, 2012

If the two of you are not in counseling (marriage and individual) then it's not going to get better; it's going to get worse.

You sound very bitter even as you tell us how wrong your affair was and how sorry you are for hurting your husband and kids. Maybe deep down you thought the affair would kill your marriage and let you start your life over. I think you can find out whether this is the case in counseling and hope you will get started ASAP. You really owe it to your husband to face the problems in your marriage head-on rather than cheating again.

April 24, 2012

Plan-I admit I had issues from way before, however-stupidly did not have the tools or knowledge as to how to bring up marital issues with my husband, because we were so caught up with our children and also the issue of him always gone. It's quite sad and I'm ashamed for the person I once was- it seemed to be that I was desperate for attention and overwhelmed. Geez- now that I have re-read my past post there were signs all over the place that I was looking for a way out!

I do not want to sugar coat anything I do realize a lot of it is entirely my own doing. I have been paying for my mistakes dearly. I just would like advice for those who know or have been through what I have been through. If you are truly and sincerely sorry what more else can be done?

April 24, 2012

I went back and reviewed some of your thread from 2010.

Your H found out before you could confess, got very angry, had an alcohol problem, and was (at least) borderline abusive. You complicated the matter with trickle truths for at least a while, and you were both still in marriage counseling back then.

So where is this at now? What are you doing to improve/maintain communication, to rebuild your relationship and love between the two of you?

Why is he STILL feeling the need to question you after all of this? Was there continued "trickle truth"? Was there more than you mentioned in your previous posts? What has been done to rebuild your trust?

I get that you're an "open book". That in itself should be no burden really...the continued questioning and apparent continued anger should be a real concern, and one that you both need to deal with.

April 24, 2012

Plan-I admit I had issues from way before, however-stupidly did not have the tools or knowledge as to how to bring up marital issues with my husband, because we were so caught up with our children and also the issue of him always gone. It's quite sad and I'm ashamed for the person I once was- it seemed to be that I was desperate for attention and overwhelmed. Geez- now that I have re-read my past post there were signs all over the place that I was looking for a way out!

I do not want to sugar coat anything I do realize a lot of it is entirely my own doing. I have been paying for my mistakes dearly. I just would like advice for those who know or have been through what I have been through. If you are truly and sincerely sorry what more else can be done?

As I said above, I'm not entirely sure that you really want to repair your marriage but you have to make that determination.

As far as what you can do beyond being "truly and sincerely sorry" - you have to accept that you are going to have to continue to bend over backwards to prove that you have changed and are now worthy of at least partial trust. You can't "hurry" your husband's healing process. You need to stop thinking that 2 years is a long time. You need to accept that the destruction you brought down on your marriage may still end up killing it.

As the betrayer all you can do is be supportive, reassuring, and remorseful. You cannot make him accept, forgive, or forget what you have done.

April 24, 2012

Plan- Again, Yes-I see the signs were all there, maybe not as conniving as you are making it out to be. Not at my best as a human being, because I hurt people I love. I was just not good at seeking the proper help, and that's probably what seemed like the solution at the time.

Now that the damage has been done, I guess it would seem like that I have to continue proving myself to my husband, in which I have. It's been a long road and will continue to be.

Now, that I did have the affair, I truly have no desire or want to ever be in that dark, horrible place again. It may will have cost me my marriage, because I do live on pins and needles everyday, not knowing whether my husband still wants to be with me or not.

I don't know how else to be as truthful as possible and seek the proper advice from those who have gone through what I have. It's hell!

April 24, 2012

Drifter-You know you are right! I guess today is one of those days I wish the years would fly by, hoping he will be over this bad part of our lives. I just have to bear with it and continue to prove myself and earn his trust again.

April 24, 2012

Plan-I never had two affairs. Not that only one is any better, the other would have been a possibility that never transpired. I did not read the entire post- I probably worded it whereas you might of misinterpreted it.

I am not going to give up on the marriage. I will continue to try and save it. I love my husband and I know he loves me. However, too much anger is still within him, and it surfaces from time to time. It can get a little scary, but it's not as bad as before.

I now feel bad I came back to this site- it's hard to hear others judge you. I feel really really bad today, and I feel a lot worse because I feel although I've been a loving and caring mother and for most of my marriage I have always put everyone first before my needs and did not speak up for myself until I messed up! Now I see what good communication can do if I'd only had realized it before. I would of saved our marriage a lot of heartache.

April 24, 2012

You need to work on your guilt, and he needs to work on his anger.

What good, fun, positive or inspiring things do you two do together?

How are you rebuilding the good?

There are counselors who work specifically with law enforcement and their families.

Can you find one?

Because a lifetime of punishment and guilt does neither one of you any good.

April 24, 2012

Owl-My husband and I tried MC for awhile. He did not like the direction it was going towards-so, he quit. I went back on my own a few times and just stopped. I don't think this MC we went to was a good fit for us.

I would like to find one again, because I am to the point of exhaustion! I struggle with balancing my kids life which are very busy ones, and keeping my husband feeling happy, loved and secure. He has become quite needy and as I mentioned in another post he has me followed not all the time, just every few months, he's pinged my cell, he monitors my odometer on my car, he has the person I had the affair with closely monitored as well etc....He can do that because of his line of work, he even checks on me through satellite.

I know I deserve this, and I know I shouldn't even ask, but I will again- does it ever get better??? I do love him that is why I will put up with whatever he asks of me, just not sure how to keep my sanity and wits about it.

April 24, 2012

Plan-I know what you are trying to do, and you suck! I am not trying to play the poor little me roll, I came on today after almost a couple of years so that I can get some advice. Today in particular has been a really rough one. I've consistently have tried my best to better my marriage. Again- I am not claiming to be perfect, I am a human being who made a horrible mistake, and is now suffering the consequences. I am not asking for a break either, just for some advice to help me through the process.

I did not expect to get advice I only wanted to hear, I expected some harshness and a lot of judgement too! You seem to be going another route with some hatred that is not in any way useful to this thread.

You are no better than anyone else, you have not walked in my shoes. If I misunderstood anything you are trying to be helpful in, then I apologize. It just seems like you are angry and you are taking it out on me.

April 24, 2012

But why does she need to suck it up and take it? It sounds a bit scary frankly.

November, you say you love your H but the actions you say he takes are a bit too much 2 years down the road. I can't ignore the fact that not only did you have an A but you almost had another one. So to me, it's obvious that you're not happy in your M. It isn't about your H because you did something that broke his trust. Yet you say you love him, you were happily M and you want to stay.

Why would your H be acting like this still? When was the last time you told him something about the A that he didn't know? Trickle truth will do that. It reopens wounds keeping them as fresh as if the A occurred yesterday.

My advice is to tell him everything. I advise that primarily because you say you want to stay M and that you love him. If you weren't really sure, I'd advise you to leave and look for true happiness elsewhere. Getting a D won't be a bad reflection on him or how he acted in the M but rather a result of you being dissatisfied. If this isn't the case, then explain to me why you cheated in the first place.

April 25, 2012

Ouch what a painful thead to read. And the lying and self pity coming from the guilty party makes me want to puke.

I think the right thing for her to do is to just come completely clean and then divorce her husband. Set him free. He deserves better than to waste his life living in her lies and being disrepected and unloved.

For the life of me. I can not understand how a person can do such a cruel thing to another person's life like that and then try to justify, rationalize and compartmentalize what they did to make them feel better about their own weakness and selfishness. There should be a law.

April 25, 2012

although she may be having a bout of the pity-party blues, i do feel she is committed to her marriage. she seems to have realized the error in her ways.

the sad truth is that this man(husband) has a lot of trust issues to be resolved, and rightfully so-- HE WAS CHEATED-ON!

you're just gonna have to buck-up and take whatever comes, if you want your marriage to survive. if you feel this "arrangement is suffocating you, you may need to divorce. i don't think he's gonna let-up anytime soon.

April 25, 2012

If there is anything I have learned here, its that you judge cheaters by their actions, not by their words.

So her actions so far are: Trickle Truthing and lying to us in this thread. And she has yet to come clean to her H about the other affair.

And all she does is feel sorry for herself here. Yeah the marriage is pretty much over IMHO. Her husband just doesnt know it yet. Poor guy.

April 25, 2012

This is her older thread.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/227790-torn-between-lover-husband

t/j but

The similarities between her thread and Bellachica's thread are striking. She was making the same arguments as Bella. (kids will hate me, I should carry the guilt, making the decisions for her husband. etc etc). Someone should have linked Bella to this thread. Can some PM the link to Bella(I cannot, yet). She is most likely back in the affair.

April 25, 2012

Obviously I'm not getting my point across. My husband has known about the affair for 2 years. I did not have two affairs! We are working on our marriage, I am here because I have had a rough day, my husband has grilled me all morning in regards to details of my affair. I have told him everything. I just need advice on how to proceed without losing my sanity. I have done everything he has asked me without fail for two years! Does anyone out there understand, or are all of you just bashing people to make them feel worse than they already do.

Again, you have not walked in my shoes, you cannot possibly judge and crucify me without knowing that for the 21 years I've known him and married for almost 17. I was the perfect companion and wife. We had kids, he worked more than your average 9-5 person, he has seen the worst possible in humans. So when I was caught he treated me as a criminal. I have read about others who post about their infidelities, they have not gone through what I have. It's been pretty bad. However, I am still here trying to make it work as well as he. We do love one another and our children.

April 25, 2012

Alice2012- Why are you judging me without knowing the full story? Also you don't get what I'm trying to do, which is get good sound advice and not get bashed, it's not resolving anything. I just want to know what is normal and what is not, because of what I have put my husband through as well as what I have been through.

I do not get what I'm doing wrong at this point. I am doing everything possible to make things right. Again, he has known for two years!

I don't get it-maybe it's the way I write or he way I come across. I do have to write in a hurry because I have 2 teenagers and one little one that my constant attention. also, the fear of my husband reading this. This is the only thing I keep to myself. Is that wrong too?

April 25, 2012

You need to work on your guilt, and he needs to work on his anger.

What good, fun, positive or inspiring things do you two do together?

How are you rebuilding the good?

There are counselors who work specifically with law enforcement and their families.

Can you find one?

Because a lifetime of punishment and guilt does neither one of you any good.

He doesn't need to work on anything as he's well within his right to still be pissed. You know this from personal experience that the pain never really goes away and since he only knows of one affair she had 2 years ago his pain will still be fresh. This woman has had multiple affairs and never really loved her husband. She needs to "work" on herself.

April 25, 2012

Alice2012- Why are you judging me without knowing the full story? Also you don't get what I'm trying to do, which is get good sound advice and not get bashed, it's not resolving anything. I just want to know what is normal and what is not, because of what I have put my husband through as well as what I have been through.

I do not get what I'm doing wrong at this point. I am doing everything possible to make things right. Again, he has known for two years!

We know the full story and you've known full well your actions would be damaging permanently to your marriage. You've lied to this man from day one and you expect him to get over only one affair that he even knows about. That reeks of self-entitlement and hypocrisy on your end, ma'am.

I don't get it-maybe it's the way I write or he way I come across. I do have to write in a hurry because I have 2 teenagers and one little one that my constant attention. also, the fear of my husband reading this. This is the only thing I keep to myself. Is that wrong too?

So you're saying that you're going to continue keeping your posts here from him about your other affairs and the fact that he was just a cushion to sit on while you pined for those other men?

April 25, 2012

for the 21 years I've known him and married for almost 17. I was the perfect companion and wife.

that may be so, but once you cheat, all of that goes out the window-- that's how bad cheating is.

recovery after an affair usually take 3-5 years. you're at the beginning, according to these stats.

your choice.....do you want to stay, or leave?

April 25, 2012

Ultimately November, it's really up to you to decide what you want.

R = taking your H's offensive maneuvers and praying he will begin to trust you soon.

If not, if you can't handle it, if you're afraid that it is turning into abuse or will do so, get a separation and then a D. I don't think a BS has carte blanche to do anything. After all, they too could decide to leave. This whole idea of staying to make the other party go through hell is unhealthy for everybody concerned.

Having said that, I also get the feeling that you want all of it to go away. You'd prefer to rug sweep. Is this how you've been the last 2 years? If so, it may explain why your H is still acting like he just discovered the A. People like to think they can hide their true feelings, that they are too clever to be understood by their partners. But it's not true. You may say all the right things, but if your H senses that you're not being sincere or that you're hiding something, he'll act the way he does.

What people are saying really is that you need to change your attitude, change how you see the whole mess. Right now you admit to have caused problems but you almost justify your actions. There's a contradiction and if we can sense it, how about your H? If you can get bashed here because of it, then your H's reactions don't seem like anything but anger. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start doing everything to make him feel comfortable. Only then will you be able to determine if your H has anger issues and is overreacting. Tell him EVERYTHING.

April 25, 2012

Rain,

Some posters are so full of rage and hate that they cannot give meaningful advice. You're being set up.....no matter what you say it will be wrong. Do not engage and put them on your ignore list.

Edited April 25, 2012 by standtall

April 25, 2012

Rain, please be careful posting here if your H is tracking everything you do. It sounds like you want to make your M work, but you need to ask yourself if you feel your H is abusing you. If he is belittling you constantly in front of your children, you need to realize the impact that will have on how they treat women.

T/j (sorry) I'm not back in the A. OM finally let me go and sincerely apologized for how he has treated me, and promised to leave me alone. He said he would not reveal the A. He has asked for a transfer to a different division. I feel hopeful and less frightened.

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