How do I handle my needy husband?

[Black Jack]

Have you read this?

 

If you want to be obtuse and pretend you can't read, carry on, but without me...

 

Sorry but using Facebook is not a way of spending time together. I'll carry on with someone who is a little more objective here, no offense.

[giotto]

Sorry but using Facebook is not a way of spending time together. I'll carry on with someone who is a little more objective here, no offense.

 

that's fine... funny, though, how you concentrate on the only thing she does on her own to prove your point... what about the rest? And the son is his son too, correct?

[xxoo]

Yes, mothers and fathers need to make time for each other, and care for their relationship. But that time can not be taken until and unless the children's needs are already met. This is reality. Young children can not meet their own needs--esp toddlers with autism.

 

The problem often lies in disagreement between what is considered a need, and sometimes ignorance about what is involved in meeting valid needs (if one parent does most of the childcare).

 

If the parents are in agreement about the level of care the children need, there may be mutual frustration about not having enough time for each other (my H and I have been there), but it is a challenge to solve together--"How do we meet these needs better and get more time together?"....not a conflict between parents.

[analystfromhell]

'Best Practices': Learning To Live With Asperger's : NPR

 

It's a pretty short story which might resonate with you- and your husband (depending). Have a child with special needs is SO very demanding- physically and mentally in the "now". There's also a level of subconscious stress as your adult and intelligent mind considers the years ahead. It will not get easier- though the rewards may become greater in time.

 

Each of you seems to be dealing with it in their own way- your husband (if I can be bold) but pulling back and maybe a bit of resentment/displacement on your part. Both are completely natural and expected and can either be addressed through really careful communication (and here I think having an early intervention, special needs professional and perhaps a MC can be invaluable).

 

This sort of life development can destroy a marriage however if the marriage does break apart it will be immeasurably tougher for each of you to address separately. I really hope you can find some external help to defuse the immediate anger and help with coping as your child grows. You're both very admirable for tackling this- it shows a special type of dedication and love.

[giotto]

'Best Practices': Learning To Live With Asperger's : NPR

 

It's a pretty short story which might resonate with you- and your husband (depending). Have a child with special needs is SO very demanding- physically and mentally in the "now". There's also a level of subconscious stress as your adult and intelligent mind considers the years ahead. It will not get easier- though the rewards may become greater in time.

 

Each of you seems to be dealing with it in their own way- your husband (if I can be bold) but pulling back and maybe a bit of resentment/displacement on your part. Both are completely natural and expected and can either be addressed through really careful communication (and here I think having an early intervention, special needs professional and perhaps a MC can be invaluable).

 

This sort of life development can destroy a marriage however if the marriage does break apart it will be immeasurably tougher for each of you to address separately. I really hope you can find some external help to defuse the immediate anger and help with coping as your child grows. You're both very admirable for tackling this- it shows a special type of dedication and love.

 

finally, someone who's talking some sense (apart from xxoo, as usual)...

[standtall]

Considering the child's needs, his needs will have to take second position. This is life. It's tough.

 

I disagree 100% with that statement. What if she has more than 1 child? Do they all take the back seat? The foundation of a family is based on the husband-wife relationship, not the parent-child relationship. When the kids leave the house..which 99% of them do, then a lot of the time the neglected spouse leave the house too..

[giotto]

I disagree 100% with that statement. What if she has more than 1 child? Do they all take the back seat? The foundation of a family is based on the husband-wife relationship, not the parent-child relationship. When the kids leave the house..which 99% of them do, then a lot of the time the neglected spouse leave the house too..

 

we agree on the bolded, but this child has special needs, so it's not that straightforward...

[xxoo]

we agree on the bolded, but this child has special needs, so it's not that straightforward...

 

Yes, we know that the H feels his needs aren't being met. But do we know that the mother is giving any more care and attention to the child than what is actually necessary? She may simply be pulled in too many directions, with too many needs to meet.

 

In my experience as a mother, my children's needs MUST be met first. That is a relatively simple task with typical kids (not infants), leaving plenty of couple time. But as a mother, I need to feel confident that my children are ok, and well cared for, before I can take time for myself, or as a couple.

 

Fortunately, my H feels the same.

[KathyM]

I disagree 100% with that statement. What if she has more than 1 child? Do they all take the back seat? The foundation of a family is based on the husband-wife relationship, not the parent-child relationship. When the kids leave the house..which 99% of them do, then a lot of the time the neglected spouse leave the house too..

That's very true, and I've seen it so many times IRL--once the children come along, the wife makes them the priority and neglects the husband, which builds resentment and distance between them. Then when the children leave the nest, there is nothing left of the marriage, since it was neglected for so long. Or the husband finds someone else who does give him time and attention. Your spouse has to be the #1 priority--that is the primary relationship. Your spouse is the first person you should greet upon coming home--not the kids. And you do have to make time for him, to spend as a couple, without the kids, on a regular basis--at least once a week

[xxoo]

Your spouse has to be the #1 priority--that is the primary relationship. Your spouse is the first person you should greet upon coming home--not the kids. And you do have to make time for him, to spend as a couple, without the kids, on a regular basis--at least once a week

 

So many rules....

 

Somehow we break them all, and manage to stay connected and in love.

 

(do you mean go out without the kids once a week??? You'd either have to have lots of disposable income for babysitting, or be lucky enough to have free babysitting!)

 

I'll add what works for us: put the kids mostly first during the day, meeting their needs and having lots of family time and one-on-one time with the kids, and moving up bedtime so that WE can have our time together after then are safely in their rooms, sleeping or not as ages allow. We sit together, talk, watch tv holding hands, and have sex. Costs nothing, and everyone is happy.

Edited April 25, 2012 by xxoo

[coffeecat]

A few of my thoughts on this post:

 

A child's needs is not just a mother's responsibility. Is the father doing his share in taking care of the child?

 

Even if the child was not special needs, a father needs to be an active, present participant in the child's care.

 

If the father is not, then this issue is more than just the mother being exhausted from taking care of the child. She is going to resent the father.

 

The husband claims he is not getting "attention"? Does this simply boil down to sex?

 

It is my opinion that sex is the cement that keeps a marriage together. You have to take care of the sex.

[coffeecat]

After reading some of the replies, I want to add something more. I really don't understand the idea of 'who comes first' and putting a child's needs in front of a husband or a husband's needs in front of a child. A marriage with children present is one entity. There is a mother, father, and children. The child will need things from both the mother and father. Both parents have emotional and physical responsibilities toward the child. I always resent the idea that being a father is about 'paying child support' or buying things and other garbage like that. Children need their father's physical availability and emotional support as well.

 

On the other hand, I do know that there are women who may tend to overdue it with giving children attention and claiming to be too tired or distracted for the husband- which I interpret as meaning too tired for sex.

 

I have never bought into that either. We are all human. We need to have sex like we need to eat and drink. Sex and affection should not be a chore, and if it is, then someone is doing something wrong.

 

I do remember my husband getting mad at me once when our son was a baby because I took bubble baths with him. He said "you always take bubble baths with the baby, what about me?" He was not really mad at me about the baths, he was mad at me because our sex life was suffering. I realized that. I just thought it was a practical way to save time and multi-task. Everyone gets clean and me and the baby play with foam alphabets and learn and have quality time. So I changed my routine about that and tried to address the root cause of the conflict.

 

The point is , it is hard to be a loving mother and a loving wife and meet everyone's emotional and physical needs. The husband and father has to be an active player in the game.

[KathyM]

So many rules....

 

Somehow we break them all, and manage to stay connected and in love.

 

(do you mean go out without the kids once a week??? You'd either have to have lots of disposable income for babysitting, or be lucky enough to have free babysitting!)

 

I'll add what works for us: put the kids mostly first during the day, meeting their needs and having lots of family time and one-on-one time with the kids, and moving up bedtime so that WE can have our time together after then are safely in their rooms, sleeping or not as ages allow. We sit together, talk, watch tv holding hands, and have sex. Costs nothing, and everyone is happy.

Putting your marriage first is important if you want it to stay healthy. And, yes, I do mean going out as a couple without the kids once a week. One of the biggest mistakes couples make when kids come along is they neglect and lose their couple relationship, and everything starts to revolve around the kids. Once a week quality time as a couple, away from the house, is not too much to achieve, and not that costly. A lot of times relatives can help out at no charge, or people can exchange babysitting services with friends. Or if you have to pay someone to babysit, then that's $20 well spent. Couples need alone time outside of the house, without the kids, on a regular basis. Not just once a month. The alone time in the house after the kids are put to bed is important too, as is paying attention to your spouse and having "couple conversations" that don't always revolve around your kids. There's a good chance the OP is falling into the mindset that, because her child has special needs, he now has to be the primary focus of her life, and is an excuse to designate her husband to the back seat, and I'm saying she should make sure that doesn't happen.

[standtall]

 

In my experience as a mother, my children's needs MUST be met first.

 

 

And that is a main contributor, IMHO, of why the divorce rate is what it is today, and why this forum's majority posters are divorced, separated, miserable, or otherwise have multiple failed marriages. Also, this helps contribute to the spoiled brat syndrome that plagues are youth today.

 

 

 

Fortunately, my H feels the same.

 

It is good that your husband knows his place as second fiddle in the family..I hope he is above the animals in the pecking order though.

[Black Jack]

that's fine... funny, though, how you concentrate on the only thing she does on her own to prove your point... what about the rest? And the son is his son too, correct?

 

So far she hasn't proved anything except that her husband deserves to be pampered a little instead of taking a back seat.

[xxoo]

It is good that your husband knows his place as second fiddle in the family..I hope he is above the animals in the pecking order though.

 

No, it means that he puts the kids needs first, too, even before me. As he should. They can't take care of themselves.

 

I think you and I might have different ideas about needs. I wonder if anyone here can give an example of a time they neglected their child's needs (not wants--needs) to have alone time with their spouse?

[threebyfate]

No, it means that he puts the kids needs first, too, even before me. As he should. They can't take care of themselves.

 

I think you and I might have different ideas about needs. I wonder if anyone here can give an example of a time they neglected their child's needs (not wants--needs) to have alone time with their spouse?

This needs a concrete example:

 

Toddler's screaming in pain in his room while you're having sex in your room. Do you or can you even orgasm, prior to leaping out of bed to find out what's happening?

[Danie]

I believe that our children need us to be parents to them AND our spouses need us to be partners to them. These are two different things. We can be parents first to our kids and partners first with our spouses. It doesn’t have to be either/or…in fact the very idea of child vs. spouse is unhealthy for the family. It’s pitting one against the other.

 

In our home, my husband and I agree that our kids come first but not at the expense of our relationship with each other. Kids are kids and they need us. This is the way of life. We are here to teach them how to live in this world and hopefully be content inside themselves. I believe that to do this we need to show them how to maintain a balance within the family unit by maintaining balance within our relationship.

[xxoo]

This needs a concrete example:

 

Toddler's screaming in pain in his room while you're having sex in your room. Do you or can you even orgasm, prior to leaping out of bed to find out what's happening?

 

Neither of us can. My H would be out the door before me.

[threebyfate]

Neither of us can. My H would be out the door before me.

Same within our family.

 

As another example, if we're out on date night and something goes wrong at home, we'd both be in the car and driving home before the end of the call. This has already happened once, so I know it's how we both react. We're parents, rather than "me first" individuals.

[KathyM]

I'm not suggesting people neglect their children, obviously, or fail to take care of the child's needs. I'm suggesting people be mindful of their spouse's needs as well, and not make the children as the primary focus of the home and the parent's attention. The marital relationship is supposed to be the primary relationship. The spouse is supposed to be a priority, and not have to take back seat to the child(ren). Mothers have a tendency to focus their attention, their time and interest solely or primarily on the child(ren), often to the detriment of the marriage, and that is an unhealthy thing. If you neglect your primary relationship (to your spouse), you are putting your whole family at risk. Children need to know their place in the family, and that is as a subordinate, not a primary. I've known so many families over the years that made their children the focus of their lives, and needless to say, their marriages either didn't last, or they went downhill, and the children suffered for it. Don't make your child the primary topic of conversation you have with your husband. Don't allow your child to monopolize your attention and crowd out your husband. Don't sacrifice needed couple time because you feel you have to always be available for your child. Get a babysitter and spend couple time away from the home once a week. Put the child(ren) to bed at a reasonable hour so you can spend alone time with your husband. Talk about adult topics with your husband, even when the children are present, so your conversations aren't always focused on the child(ren). Greet him as a first thing when you get home--not the children. The children, even special needs children, need to learn their place in the family, and they will benefit from seeing you place your attention on your husband as the primary relationship.

[g450]

we agree on the bolded, but this child has special needs, so it's not that straightforward...

 

Oh please give me a break. What if she has another child with "special needs"? Then what?

 

I hate that term. All needs are special to the ones that need them. Im sure her husband's needs are special to him.

 

I sense there is something more going on here than the OPs lack of time management.

Edited April 26, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Unnecessary and off-topic

[LadyGrey]

As a parent of a special needs daughter, and who has been divorced for 17 years I can tell you that finding a balance is very difficult if not impossible. It takes very giving unselfish people to face these challenges together and stats say that up to 90% of marriages will not survive the extra stresses and strains that special needs children put on a marriage.

 

OP, I suggest if you truly love your husband and there isn't any issues such as abuse, cheating or worse involved that you do everything you possibly can to mend the problems. I would highly suggest counselling by someone who is skilled in what is involved in raising a special needs child. More than anything you both need to feel like you are on the same team.

 

I can also tell you this, that if you end up getting divorced that you as the mother will likely have the majority of the special challenges on your shoulders and I can tell you that it's really hard, hard road to walk alone.

[Black Jack]

This needs a concrete example:

 

Toddler's screaming in pain in his room while you're having sex in your room. Do you or can you even orgasm, prior to leaping out of bed to find out what's happening?

 

Wow, that's a literally and figuratively hard question to answer (pun intended).

[g450]

Wow, that's a literally and figuratively hard question to answer (pun intended).

 

Why all the undeeded drama?

 

Two words...Baby Sitter.

 

Sheesh.