My story about GIGS

[dandan89]

Hey, this is my story, sorry it is quite long and I do appreciate any input!

 

My ex of 4 and a half years is definitely going through GIGS. Though I'd call it a mind set rather than a syndrome. I'm now 23 and she is 21 in August. We were great together and loved each other so much. We did amazing things together, travelled and had similar likes and dislikes. We were each others first love and first for everything. Since starting her first year at Uni (I was in my third and final year) she has gained a lot more friends through the Uni ice hockey club she joined. She then started going out clubbing with them and she slowly got more and more distant over a period of a few months.

 

On the night she broke it to me I knew something was up but I didn't think it would be this, I kept asking her what was wrong and eventually she told me that she loves me but is not in love with me and she couldn't go on. At the time I didn't see it coming at all and it hit me like a tonne of bricks. This was early February. I ended up moving out of our shared flat as it was just too painful and we have had very little to no contact since.

 

Anyway I find out at the end of march that this guy on her hockey team tells her he likes and her and they have a drunken kiss. This is like a knife in the heart. She tells me that she doesn't even know if she likes him like that but she is kinda seeing him (non-sexually, she isn't like that) and she just wants to be single and free as she has been with me since she was 16. I know she isn't technically with him but he's there for her a lot as she is lonely but I feel so replaced.

 

I know all this because early April I asked if we could hang out for a day during the Easter holidays. I ended up supprising her taking her to London to see the Lion King (she loves the Lion King) but she felt bad as the other guy would feel crushed to know that I had taken her to London but she got over that pretty quick. It was like old times, just no affection from her on the train ride home I ended up rubbing her back (this is like her version of sex! She loves it!) and then cuddling her and playing with her fingers (which she also loves). So after this we are pretty much back in NC.

 

I can't even describe the pain as I love her so much and would do anything for her. I'm sure a fair few of you guys know this feeling. I have been trying to work on myself, joined the gym to try and get buff and trying to earn as much money at work as I can and thinking of going to do some volunteer work in Costa Rica to try and find myself again. But it's been nearly 3 months and I'm still not over her.

 

Do you think it would be stupid of me to show her the the "Grass is Greener" syndrome thread? It definitely fits my story. She is an honest lovely caring girl. She told me this "You have to realise it is the first selfish thing I have done in over 4yrs, putting my own feelings and happiness before yours"

 

Thanks for giving me some of your time, Dan

[WildHorses]

Dan,

 

I went through that phase during my twenties. Honestly, showing her the thread about GIGS, will not change anything. If somebody would have showed me that thread while I was going through those times, I would have nothing to do with it. I would probably lash out at the person who showed it to me, thinking I was going through that. GIGS is simply just another term for being immature. I was into partying, I was selfish, I didn't care what others thought. I broke hearts, my heart was broken, and my priorities were not in order. I just had to grow up. And, it took me to grow more, and realize that my ways were not working out for me. I came out of that phase in my life, on my own. Now I focus on what really matters. God, my family, friends, meeting quality people, my education, and career. Good luck. I know it's hard to lose somebody you really care about. But, there is honestly nothing you can do except for focus on yourself.

[CarrieT]

It is a 20s thing - it is a time to learn about new people as well as learn about yourself.

 

I think it is less about GIGS as much as it is about growing up and expanding horizons.

 

Everyone should do it...

[dandan89]

Thanks guys. It really helps talking about it. You're right Wildhorses, someone in that mind set would never accept that. It's like telling a crazy person they are crazy (not as extreme obviously).

 

I just wish it didn't have to be so tough. I'm a strong person but with this I'm hopeless! I remember within the first 6 months together I was having doubts whether or not I should be in the relationship. There was a another pretty girl at college that I could have gone with (did not even touch her by the way, I'm a very loyal person (basically like a swan!)). This lasted about two to three weeks and I felt horrible. Eventually I thought what the hell am I doing, I have a wonderful person that loves me and I can see it being great so why should I throw that all away. So I chose her, thank god did, and we had the best times of our lives. It's like GIGS nearly took me but I realised what I had and chose that over possibly "greener" pastures.

 

I have to say Smokey and Homebrew's posts have made me feel a lot better. Especially the one about being dumped by someone with GIGS. I kept thinking what have I done? What's wrong with me? Why am I not good enough anymore? Etc. And the answer is I had not done anything wrong and I am a good person. She didn't lie when she said its not you it's me. I'm not arrogant or anything but I was a good boyfriend, not perfect but who is?! I was close with her parents and I remember speaking to her mum and she said how I "treated her well, probably to well". I love her with all my heart and that's why I sent her an email saying that I respect her and her decision and that I love her and always will. I just made it as nice as I could, from the heart. I just want her to be happy and I wanted to take some of her guilt away. I do want her back more than anything but I understand it needs to be on her own accord. For now she needs to do this for herself so I need to let her grow.

 

Any other opinions are welcome

Edited April 24, 2012 by dandan89

[wilsonx]

You will be fine, you really can't mess it up.

 

Just keep moving forward.

[WildHorses]

Thanks guys. It really helps talking about it. You're right Wildhorses, someone in that mind set would never accept that. It's like telling a crazy person they are crazy (not as extreme obviously).

 

I just wish it didn't have to be so tough. I'm a strong person but with this I'm hopeless! I remember within the first 6 months together I was having doubts whether or not I should be in the relationship. There was a another pretty girl at college that I could have gone with (did not even touch her by the way, I'm a very loyal person (basically like a swan!)). This lasted about two to three weeks and I felt horrible. Eventually I thought what the hell am I doing, I have a wonderful person that loves me and I can see it being great so why should I throw that all away. So I chose her, thank god did, and we had the best times of our lives. It's like GIGS nearly took me but I realised what I had and chose that over possibly "greener" pastures.

 

I have to say Smokey and Homebrew's posts have made me feel a lot better. Especially the one about being dumped by someone with GIGS. I kept thinking what have I done? What's wrong with me? Why am I not good enough anymore? Etc. And the answer is I had not done anything wrong and I am a good person. She didn't lie when she said its not you it's me. I'm not arrogant or anything but I was a good boyfriend, not perfect but who is?! I was close with her parents and I remember speaking to her mum and she said how I "treated her well, probably to well". I love her with all my heart and that's why I sent her an email saying that I respect her and her decision and that I love her and always will. I just made it as nice as I could, from the heart. I just want her to be happy and I wanted to take some of her guilt away. I do want her back more than anything but I understand it needs to be on her own accord. For now she needs to do this for herself so I need to let her grow.

 

Any other opinions are welcome

 

What you said is right. You are a good person and it has nothing to do with you. I know the pain hurts. Just keep yourself active, hang out with your mates, and enjoy your life. Who knows what the future holds for you. The possibilities are endless. You are on the right track, my friend. Homebrew did a wonderful job at explaining what people like me, have gone through. I have said this before, if GIGS were a class, I would have graduated with top honors!

[dandan89]

Thanks guys! Much appreciated

 

Wildhorses how long did you have GIGS? Did you split up with someone and realise later it was a mistake?

[WildHorses]

Thanks guys! Much appreciated

 

Wildhorses how long did you have GIGS? Did you split up with someone and realise later it was a mistake?

 

I think it started for me after my very first love. So, it happened around 20 and did not end until around 28. I did a long time. There was somebody that I did leave, who was a really nice guy. That was when I was 25. I left him for somebody else. Instantly the new person I was with, I felt guilt for leaving that person for this new guy. And, this new guy, we were not a good fit for each other. I was living in Arizona when I was with the nice guy, and moved back home to MN to be with the new guy. We dated for 4 years. During that relationship, I started to realize I was not in a good relationship. It fizzled out, and I met somebody new. I was out of Gigs at that point. It just sort of happened. The party life was not working out for me. My career was not where I wanted it to be, I'm still finishing up my degree due to my irresponsibility. The guy in Arizona now has a child and is happily married. I never begged to go back to him. The damage had been done. And, shortly after we broke up, he ended up getting his girlfriend, now wife, pregnant. Some people don't stay in GIGS as long as I did. Some people can figure it out much sooner. I took a longer time to get things in order, and realize what really is important in my life.

[rob_h]

Thanks guys! Much appreciated

 

Wildhorses how long did you have GIGS? Did you split up with someone and realise later it was a mistake?

 

 

Hey,

 

I 'gigsed out' October 2010 and went back to my ex "sorry" in Oct 2011. I still wasnt ready though, and in my head still doubted the decision and its only been in the last couple of months that I have returned down to earth off the high of gigs. It's not nice looking back at yourself doing that, believe me.

[dandan89]

Wow that was a long time Wildhorses!

 

Rob or shall I say Roberta, I remember reading your post about your case. How is it going now? You two back together or working on it? Your GIGS was at least nice and short ay.

 

I'm wondering if this new guy my ex is "seeing" is like your rebound guy. He's been there a lot for her while she's been lonely and coping with not having me around. Then he tells her he likes her and kisses her when she's drunk. I'm not sure if this is a kind of rebound or not. I don't know. This is all rather depressing my mind I'd my own worst enemy!

 

Thanks though guys!

[WildHorses]

Wow that was a long time Wildhorses!

 

Rob or shall I say Roberta, I remember reading your post about your case. How is it going now? You two back together or working on it? Your GIGS was at least nice and short ay.

 

I'm wondering if this new guy my ex is "seeing" is like your rebound guy. He's been there a lot for her while she's been lonely and coping with not having me around. Then he tells her he likes her and kisses her when she's drunk. I'm not sure if this is a kind of rebound or not. I don't know. This is all rather depressing my mind I'd my own worst enemy!

 

Thanks though guys!

 

Yeah, I did a long time with it. I'm just fortunate that I did not end up with a lot of issues as a result. Things could have turned out a lot worse for me. So, I have worked hard at getting on the right path, I'm here now, and I feel blessed. I was just immature.

[Eddie Edirol]

Wow that was a long time Wildhorses!

 

Rob or shall I say Roberta, I remember reading your post about your case. How is it going now? You two back together or working on it? Your GIGS was at least nice and short ay.

 

I'm wondering if this new guy my ex is "seeing" is like your rebound guy. He's been there a lot for her while she's been lonely and coping with not having me around. Then he tells her he likes her and kisses her when she's drunk. I'm not sure if this is a kind of rebound or not. I don't know. This is all rather depressing my mind I'd my own worst enemy!

 

Thanks though guys!

 

Dan your ex gf didnt go through gigs, she is just discovering herself. Her friends might have told her that she needed to date other guys, they go wild at that age trying to discover the dating world. it happens so often around here that its insane. But dont think youre blameless. When she said its not you its m, shes lying, she just didnt want to invest the time to tell you everything that turned her off about you. Its probably like she flipped a switch, and woke up realizing she was in the wrong life, like a kids life and she wanted to become more grown up. So the things about you that bothered her probably arent all things you can improve upon, but learn to see what things you can improve upon. I just dont want you to move along in life thinking youre not at fault, and carry that to future relationships, wondering why you were dumped.

[dandan89]

You don't think it was GIGS? Can I get some others opinions too please

 

No I honestly do think that I could have been better myself. I said im not perfect but who is. For instance I did not like her going clubbing at Uni, I never told her but she knew. I honestly never wanted to stop her as its the Uni thing to do and if she wants to do that then thats her decision. And it's not that I didn't trust her as I trusted her more than anyone. It was the other people out in the clubs that I didn't trust. I saw this as my problem and not hers but that obviously put pressure on her. I was also a little clingy at times but nothing over the top. Nothing that couldn't be fixed or worked on.

 

As to the kids life I don't believe that for a second. I was the one that sorted the bills (she's rubbish with money!), cleaned the flat (she's quite messy! lol) and cooked the meals. I treated her well and spoilt her. All of her possessions I bought for her, I paid her contract phone for two and half years and made every event on the calendar special. I know it's not about how much you spend but I didn't think of it like that, I saw it as what is mine is hers and it came from the heart. I only wanted the best for her.

 

I do believe the discovering herself part though. When I talked to her on the train back from London she was saying that she had been with me all her adult life (since she was 16) and she wanted to be free and single to explore. She is not a very sexual person (unlike me!) so it isn't sleeping around (if it's one thing I know about her it's this trust me!). Her version of sex would be a long back and neck rub!

 

And her friends aren't like that. I was friendly with them and they liked me. Her best friend at Uni who helped her lot through this is also in a relationship anyway. I don't think for one second that she was influenced by another's words. She isn't like that, she keeps deep feelings like that to herself. Thats part of the problem with her, if she could have been more open earlier maybe something could have been done but she kept if bottled in. But she is an honest down to earth girl and that's one of the reasons I love her. She was very loyal and committed when we were together.

 

My problem is I put all my eggs in one basket, I would dream about our future together, marriage, children and a lovely house in the countryside. We would joke about children's names and that she wanted chickens and a couple of pot belly pigs down the bottom of the garden. So there's a lot to let go of in terms of my future that I envisaged with her.

 

So there is no way I'm saying I'm not to blame for part of it but what I am to blame for could have been worked on.

[rob_h]

I do believe the discovering herself part though. When I talked to her on the train back from London she was saying that she had been with me all her adult life (since she was 16) and she wanted to be free and single to explore.

 

Yep, it's gigs. Those were my words too.

 

 

Thats part of the problem with her, if she could have been more open earlier maybe something could have been done but she kept if bottled in.

 

And no, it would have happened sooner or later man, its like a learning curve I promise.

 

 

Rob or shall I say Roberta, I remember reading your post about your case. How is it going now? You two back together or working on it? Your GIGS was at least nice and short ay.

 

My Ex is still Gigsing out. Haha since my thread about it he split up with rebound girl. (She hurt him) He came back to me (for emotional support I presume) then went back to her a week later. Then 3 weeks went by and he ended it with her. He stayed single and slutted himself about a bit and then had a major breakdown and phoned me telling me he loved and missed me etc, that I am 'his', he wants my babies and one day wants to marry me. Told me how him and the rebound didn't work and that they were both horribly unfaithful to each other. We met up a couple weeks after he had time to think it over, spent a few days together and now he's stage 4 Gigs. i.e. up and down about what he wants despite 'knowing he loves me'. And he is currently back with the rebound chick. Its a rough ride, but I'm getting healed faster and faster. I still miss him but I'm also naturally more inclined to look about for a serious relationship with someone that compares to him and will make no attempt to stop any such opportunity from arising, having been alone for the past few months and thought about what I want from a relationship in a much more mature attitude than before.

[Eddie Edirol]

Dan GIGS is more for people who actually plan to go back to the ex if their exploration doesnt work out, like take a real break, not a break up. (That doesnt happen often) But no matter what you think your ex's personality is, she is trying to change. So she WILL start having sex with guys and learning more about her sexuality, thats what she left you for. Everything you know about her will change. She doesnt see green grass with you and greener grass on the other side, she woke up one day and saw that your grass was brown and dying.

 

So if she isnt sexual, she wants to become more sexual and best believe her friends are following suit. BTW as much as her friends like you, young girls are the most deceiving and catty, and they will talk about you behind your back, and encourage her to leave you, while smiling in your face. Dont ever believe them.

 

If she keeps deep feelings to herself, she will probably start expressing them more. She is going to do a complete 180 and not be the woman you knew. if she wasnt influenced by her friends words, she will be more open to them. So if she is trying to change her ways, then you dont have a chance. This is what girls her age do to discover themselves.

[WildHorses]

Dan GIGS is more for people who actually plan to go back to the ex if their exploration doesnt work out,

like take a real break, not a break up. (That doesnt happen often) But no matter what you think your ex's personality is, she is trying to change. So she WILL start having sex with guys and learning more about her sexuality, thats what she left you for. Everything you know about her will change. She doesnt see green grass with you and greener grass on the other side, she woke up one day and saw that your grass was brown and dying.

 

So if she isnt sexual, she wants to become more sexual and best believe her friends are following suit. BTW as much as her friends like you, young girls are the most deceiving and catty, and they will talk about you behind your back, and encourage her to leave you, while smiling in your face. Dont ever believe them.

 

If she keeps deep feelings to herself, she will probably start expressing them more. She is going to do a complete 180 and not be the woman you knew. if she wasnt influenced by her friends words, she will be more open to them. So if she is trying to change her ways, then you dont have a chance. This is what girls her age do to discover themselves.

 

Eddie, Eddie. You clearly have GIGS all wrong. Did you end up calling his ex-girlfriend too, and she told you all of this? LOL. When in GIGS (I was a master at GIGS) you are not thinking about exploring other people, and planning to go back to the ex. That is NOT HOW IT WORKS. You are not thinking at all, while you might be bored of the current relationship you are in, you go out and explore with no intention of coming back. That part, just happens. You go out, get hurt a few times, realize how good you did have it, and will sometimes return to the person who did treat you well.

 

She very possibly could end up having sex with other men, maybe she will not. That all depends on where her morals and values are at. Some people in GIGS do have sex with people, and some GIGS out in different ways. So, you have no idea if she will or not, unless like I said, did you end up calling her? Geez.

 

Her friends will not encourage her to leave him unless he was a complete jackass to her. They will just support whatever decision she makes for herself. And, it does not mean they will be talking smack about him. That is not always the case.

 

You sound like a Negative Nancy. Gross. Before commenting, get your information together.

[wilsonx]

Eddie's point of view is not wrong. From his point of view, that's what it looks like so that's his reality. I've seen people do exactly what he said.

 

 

People in gigs don't make conscious decisions. That's why people often call them bi polar, bpd, etc.

 

They eventually learn to take control of their lives and cleaning up the mess they've left behind

[WildHorses]

Eddie's point of view is not wrong. From his point of view, that's what it looks like so that's his reality. I've seen people do exactly what he said.

 

 

People in gigs don't make conscious decisions. That's why people often call them bi polar, bpd, etc.

 

They eventually learn to take control of their lives and cleaning up the mess they've left behind

 

Wilson, I agree with you on what you are saying. That makes sense. Some of what Eddie says, I can agree with as well. That might have been his own experience. But, there really is no guarantees with how somebody will act through GIGS. No road map. There are no guarantees she will sleep around with others, there is no way of knowing if she in fact, is thinking that she will go explore other men, with the intent of coming back to him. A person in GIGS, is not thinking at all. They are just doing what feels right to them, not caring how their actions affect others.

Edited April 26, 2012 by WildHorses

[dandan89]

Sorry Eddie and no offence but I think you're wrong in this case. I'm not just saying this because I can't except it, I'm saying it because I know. If there is one thing I know at all about her is that she isn't like that. I can definitely see how more sexually wild people can be like that but she just is not that type of girl. She hates the idea of one night stands and she is very much a one person at a time girl and is very sensible.

 

She text me today about our hamsters and asking if I could look after them when she goes traveling around Canada for a month in the summer. They are ours so I just text her back saying "yeah that's fine". Just hearing from her though is like salt in my wounds.

[Eddie Edirol]

Sorry Eddie and no offence but I think you're wrong in this case. I'm not just saying this because I can't except it, I'm saying it because I know. If there is one thing I know at all about her is that she isn't like that. I can definitely see how more sexually wild people can be like that but she just is not that type of girl. She hates the idea of one night stands and she is very much a one person at a time girl and is very sensible.

 

I dont even believe in gigs. When someone leaves you in a seemingly decent relationship, its usually because they are bored of you and they want to move on. You are still defending her when you shouldnt be, she isnt with you anymore. It doesnt matter what she does, what you do need to accept is that you need to forget about her and move on. If youre able to sustain an appetite, go start looking at some new women.

[wilsonx]

I dont even believe in gigs. When someone leaves you in a seemingly decent relationship, its usually because they are bored of you and they want to move on. You are still defending her when you shouldnt be, she isnt with you anymore. It doesnt matter what she does, what you do need to accept is that you need to forget about her and move on. If youre able to sustain an appetite, go start looking at some new women.

 

That's your personal opinion and what you would do in his situation. While I agreed with your last tirade of your belief this one, Im going to say you're out of your mind.

 

#1 it exists. There's a pattern to the behavior. I have GIGSed myself. Im still cleaning up my mess

#2 you have a problem letting go. Its like you are reliving your breakup everytime you see these breakups on the forum

#3 there is no right or wrong thing to do. Its not as black and white as you lay it out to be. If he wants to wait around and believe what he believes, its not your place to tell him that he must move on and he should forget about her.

 

This is the second chance forum, leave your advice on moving on and forgetting about an ex in the "BREAK UP" forum. If you do not believe in second chances or never want one to happen, you should keep off this section of the forum.

Edited April 27, 2012 by wilsonx

[rob_h]

Sorry Eddie and no offence but I think you're wrong in this case. I'm not just saying this because I can't except it, I'm saying it because I know. If there is one thing I know at all about her is that she isn't like that. I can definitely see how more sexually wild people can be like that but she just is not that type of girl. She hates the idea of one night stands and she is very much a one person at a time girl and is very sensible.

 

 

The point is that they do a 180 Dan...

 

2 years ago my ex told me he would be happy if he never slept with another woman in his life aside from me, and that he did not understand why anyone would want to f*ck people for the sake of it. Now he's into double figures.

 

Let me just reiterate what others have already said:

 

They turn into someone you literally no longer recognise.

[Eddie Edirol]

That's your personal opinion and what you would do in his situation. While I agreed with your last tirade of your belief this one, Im going to say you're out of your mind.

 

#1 it exists. There's a pattern to the behavior. I have GIGSed myself. Im still cleaning up my mess

#2 you have a problem letting go. Its like you are reliving your breakup everytime you see these breakups on the forum

#3 there is no right or wrong thing to do. Its not as black and white as you lay it out to be. If he wants to wait around and believe what he believes, its not your place to tell him that he must move on and he should forget about her.

 

This is the second chance forum, leave your advice on moving on and forgetting about an ex in the "BREAK UP" forum. If you do not believe in second chances or never want one to happen, you should keep off this section of the forum.

 

Wilson, you of all people know from life experience and this board, just like I do, that the second chances are usually a horribly low percentage, and its pretty deplorable IMO to encourage someone to turn their stomach into knots waiting for someone to come back to them, when the situation is obviously not in their favor. You can do it if you want, but I also have the right to state my opinion, even in this forum.

 

1: I dont have to believe GIGS exists, I and many other posters believe its just an easy label, that stinx at that. If you believe it exists, in most cases, more power to ya.

 

2: I dont relive my breakups, but I learned from them. I can share if I please. You dont have to like it, If I want to warn someone of a situation, I'm gonna do it.

 

3: Some situations are black and white, not all. You dont have to see the situations the same way I do, but I dont care. If I see the situation and I know the solution that I think is best for the OP, if they are looking for a solution, I will post it. Doesnt mean I'm reliving a breakup, it could mean I saw it happen to someone else. You dont have to like it, I dont care if you do.

 

You also know that its pretty clear in this situation that the second chance is most likely not going to happen. I dont think there are rules in this forum that that you have to say every second chance is possible. Im sure its not against the TOS to advise that the second chance isnt likely. This is the second chance forum, not the "Post here for re-assurance that your second chance will DEFINITILY happen no matter what the situation." The OP isnt taking my advise, fine for him. He looks for what he wants, and I move on, Can you live with that?

Edited April 27, 2012 by Eddie Edirol

[wilsonx]

Its like arguing with a kid with down syndrome, you are never going to get anywhere.

 

3 people that have been through gigs before in this thread. 2 that tried going back to an ex.

 

Nope, GIGS never happens

 

They make songs about people trying to come back

 

Back to December - Taylor Swift

 

Crawling Back To You - Daughtry

 

Coming Home - Diddy

Edited April 27, 2012 by wilsonx

[Eddie Edirol]

3 people that have been through gigs before in this thread. 2 that tried going back to an ex.

Thanks for proving my point. 3 people were immature, 2 who tried to go back to the ex much later, but the dumpee moved on. I dont count going back years later as GIGS. The OP wants to believe that his ex will come back to him while he still is pining for her. Based on the examples in this thread, its not happening. Everyone has moved on by the time the immaturity/discovery has worn off. Everyones changed by then. Its not GIGS, its just change.