Author the_endlessriver Posted April 25, 2012 Author Posted April 25, 2012 of course i see his point. and its funny as hell meaning its really funny. I mean, I used to be quite fixated on sex/porn and now that i have overcome such trivialities its funny as hell meaning, its ludicrous or ridiculously silly, the length at which people go to interact sexually with another person, ESPECIALLY when they have a partner. anyway. by for now. oh I failed top mention chart I guide people to the solution by writing about it. Sex is not necessarily a trivial thing for everyone, even if "overcome". That is not to say that I think he found "the way". Anyhow your comment made me smile, thank you.
Author the_endlessriver Posted April 25, 2012 Author Posted April 25, 2012 It's not necessarily degrading, but it's completely LAME. What possible benefit could there be in such a contrived, ridiculous set-up? Have an open relationship or don't. Also, I'm pretty sure that dating a person you know, flirting with them, and going to a hotel to participate in "no touch" sex with that person is a LOT different than "viewing" strippers in a club with the boundary being "no touching." But people love to push the boundaries. Sounds very teenager-like to me. Well, again, maybe it's not necessarily lame either. Who are we to set their boundaries / to insist on an "all or nothing" open relationship? Not trying to justify, just trying to be open to their decision. You mention the (im)possible benefit, and call it ridiculous - but is it not true that for a most people "cheating" only begins with intercourse? People forgive emotional cheating, getting him hard in a club, going down on her in some alley and whatnot, but as soon as it was intercourse it's crossing the line. So maybe this is their deal. I don't think strippers play into this. This arrangement is made out for people he / she can trust, strippers would not provide the discretion needed. Also they are both not teenagers. And I see more of a huge boundary being set, then being pushed in this case. In any case, there was one really good response that answered my question, mentioning the difference in anonymity with a "friend" vs pornstars.
Author the_endlessriver Posted April 25, 2012 Author Posted April 25, 2012 Mme. Chaucer, are you even aware of what your quote means and the discrepancy in its meaning and your 3 paragraph judgement on their "created" deal? Just noticed this, not trying to be bitchy.
Black Jack Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 This has nothing to do with the question I asked, as well. Is it possible to ask a question based on an event without it being my modus operandi in life and being accused on not knowing what I want and being the "other woman" (I am assuming this is what you imply). Is it possible to think theoretically about a couple's relationship agreements without having any personal interest in one party? You think I want this guy / star? I don't. Was I tempted to go with him even for a second? No. Does it keep me awake who he sleeps with? You know the answer. Thank you for your opinion. You mean you don't like the response, not the fact that it has everything to do you with your question. That's fine if you don't agree but if you know the man has a girlfriend, then you're actively participating in the damage of a relationship, regardless of the circumstances of when and where you see him.
PlumPrincess Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 I think the difference has to do with emotions and intimacy. You have no relationship with the person you view during porn (or a stripper). If you see a friend naked, you're having an intimate experience with them. I think you gave the best answer on this thread. That was an interesting question to ponder.
Author the_endlessriver Posted April 25, 2012 Author Posted April 25, 2012 I think you gave the best answer on this thread. That was an interesting question to ponder. I agree. (and because this is too short to post) - it was so simple, really.
Author the_endlessriver Posted April 25, 2012 Author Posted April 25, 2012 You mean you don't like the response, not the fact that it has everything to do you with your question. That's fine if you don't agree but if you know the man has a girlfriend, then you're actively participating in the damage of a relationship, regardless of the circumstances of when and where you see him. I'm sorry, neither you nor kaylan can make me feel "bad" about this. I know you are not attacking me personally, but I feel like I have to stand up for the guy, seeing as he is an acquaintance and can't respond to assumptions here. I already mentioned it was just coffee. And his girlfriend called during. And he posted a pic of us on Instagram (his is closed, I don't use it at all). I mean, is your definition of a relationship really "never having coffee with the opposite sex again"? (I know in his case it's also "...as well as asking the coffee partner to come up to his room", but that is THEIR business). I was just there for the coffee and the city
threebyfate Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 This thread: Flattered by a perceived "high value man" paying attention.Wanted to share the titillation high with others through the veil of discussion.Was tempted since lawyering of relationship boundaries allowed the rationalization of the action.
Author the_endlessriver Posted April 25, 2012 Author Posted April 25, 2012 This thread: Flattered by a perceived "high value man" paying attention.Wanted to share the titillation high with others through the veil of discussion.Was tempted since lawyering of relationship boundaries allowed the rationalization of the action. Oh gosh, guilty as charged. I am sorry, you are wrong. a) I am by no means a groupie, but I work and have been brought up in a certain business, so he is not a "high value man" to me or at least not more so than most people I associate with professionally (though I have taken a backseat due to childrearing now). If you would have considered that I already mentioned that we BOTH have a lot to lose if identities were classified, your very eloquent discourse would have at least one point missing. Make it two - b) where did you sense any kind of tittilation from my side? is this not a forum for discussing things such as their particular deal? was I wrong to post? c) You can't talk for me. I was not tempted for a second. I did not get into the argument or "lawyering" with him. He did not have to try to convince me, it was clear to me from the start that it would not happen. However, I did have some open questions on this, and decided to post here where presumably no one knows me or him. Nice try.
Quiet Storm Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 (edited) I bet the girlfriend knows nothing of this arrangement. You told him up front that you were not going to sleep with him. He took that as a challenge- not a boundary. He chatted you up to get those happy feelings circulating, so that you wouldn't want your time together to end. He thought if he could get you into his hotel room, you would get so turned on watching him jack off that you wouldn't be able to contain your attraction. He's hoping if you just saw it, you'd want it. He was handling you in steps, kind of like getting you to have coffee with him as first base, talking flirty is second base, trying to get you to the hotel room would've been third base, and then he would've went for the home run. He thinks women are weak and easily manipulated. He casts many lines, and probably gets many bites. You didn't bite. Good for you. Trying to figure out why a couple would agree to this is redundant, as there probably is no agreement. It was just a ploy to get you in a private setting alone with him. If there is an agreement, she is stupid to trust him. If you had agreed to this mutual getting off session, and jumped on top of him in a moment of passion...do you think he would have stopped you? A relationship that you treasure should be protected. Being sexual with others causes oxytocin to be released and bonds to be formed. I don't mind if my husband looks at other women or watches porn, because I don't feel those those things are a threat to our bond. However, an intimate experience with another would be a threat to our bond. Even if he viewed it as a physical release only, there is another variable. The other person. You can't predict how that person will feel or behave. In my opinion, if you value your relationship you wouldn't take that risk. I don't judge people in open marriages, but I do think they may be setting themselves up for a world of hurt, even if it takes years to manifest. Edited April 25, 2012 by Quiet Storm 1
threebyfate Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 Oh gosh, guilty as charged. I am sorry, you are wrong. a) I am by no means a groupie, but I work and have been brought up in a certain business, so he is not a "high value man" to me or at least not more so than most people I associate with professionally (though I have taken a backseat due to childrearing now). If you would have considered that I already mentioned that we BOTH have a lot to lose if identities were classified, your very eloquent discourse would have at least one point missing. Make it two - b) where did you sense any kind of tittilation from my side? is this not a forum for discussing things such as their particular deal? was I wrong to post? c) You can't talk for me. I was not tempted for a second. I did not get into the argument or "lawyering" with him. He did not have to try to convince me, it was clear to me from the start that it would not happen. However, I did have some open questions on this, and decided to post here where presumably no one knows me or him. Nice try. Okay, let's shift perspective for a minute: How is the perceived "value" of either one of you even relevant to the discussion?You have a situation where another couple have non-conformist relationship boundaries. So what? What they have should be irrelevant to you if you weren't intrigued.You went to the hotel fully aware that he was attracted and would proposition you. Otherwise, why tell him in advance that there would be no sexual interaction? Why go in the first place?
Author the_endlessriver Posted April 25, 2012 Author Posted April 25, 2012 I bet the girlfriend knows nothing of this arrangement. You told him up front that you were not going to sleep with him. He took that as a challenge- not a boundary. He chatted you up to get those happy feelings circulating, so that you wouldn't want your time together to end. He thought if he could get you into his hotel room, you would get so turned on watching him jack off that you wouldn't be able to contain your attraction. He's hoping if you just saw it, you'd want it. He was handling you in steps, kind of like getting you to have coffee with him as first base, talking flirty is second base, trying to get you to the hotel room would've been third base, and then he would've went for the home run. He thinks women are weak and easily manipulated. He casts many lines, and probably gets many bites. You didn't bite. Good for you. Trying to figure out why a couple would agree to this is redundant, as there probably is no agreement. It was just a ploy to get you in a private setting alone with him. If there is an agreement, she is stupid to trust him. If you had agreed to this mutual getting off session, and jumped on top of him in a moment of passion...do you think he would have stopped you? A relationship that you treasure should be protected. Being sexual with others causes oxytocin to be released and bonds to be formed. I don't mind if my husband looks at other women or watches porn, because I don't feel those those things are a threat to our bond. However, an intimate experience with another would be a threat to our bond. Even if he viewed it as a physical release only, there is another variable. The other person. You can't predict how that person will feel or behave. In my opinion, if you value your relationship you wouldn't take that risk. I don't judge people in open marriages, but I do think they may be setting themselves up for a world of hurt, even if it takes years to manifest. Thank you for your response. I really like what you wrote. I also have doubts about the girlfriend really knowing, then again there was some proof of that. Other than talking to her (and staying away from their deal as a participant) I have no way of knowing. I completely agree with your last paragraph, as well. One last thing, I kinda got the vibe from him - because you mention his possible non-resistance if I would have "jumped on him" - that he gets turned on by controlling himself this way, maybe even "proving his love by staying strong". He mentioned a few times that he loves his girl (just as I mentioned that I am into this ice cube I am lusting after), so it was really something I never encountered before.
Author the_endlessriver Posted April 25, 2012 Author Posted April 25, 2012 Okay, let's shift perspective for a minute: How is the perceived "value" of either one of you even relevant to the discussion?You have a situation where another couple have non-conformist relationship boundaries. So what? What they have should be irrelevant to you if you weren't intrigued.You went to the hotel fully aware that he was attracted and would proposition you. Otherwise, why tell him in advance that there would be no sexual interaction? Why go in the first place? a) you implied this in your first post - that I am flattered by him being somewhat known. I just posted this as fact and, in my opinion, important detail, and to avoid the "lonely horny guy" stigma, when in fact he is anything but. Yes, my own value has nothing to do with the discussion, this is why you maybe should not have try to put this spin on it. You know, "titillated by it" and so on. b) But I am intrigued. This is my crime? c) Well. Is there a chance you read what you want to believe? I did not leave the coffee place. Jesus.
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