the_endlessriver Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 This bothers me and I can't pinpoint the reason. To take my mind off the guy I am "seeing", who is now on holiday on which he first invited, then un-invited me, I had a coffee date with another man yesterday. He is somewhat famous (in his business) and travels a lot, but has a girlfriend of three years. Before I even went I told him that there will be no hotel, no sex and that I am crushing on another man. We are both heavy flirters so the conversation was easy and fun, nothing felt dirty. Towards the end he did ask me if I want to come to his hotel. I said I believed I made it clear from the beginning that it won't be happenin'. So he explained - him and his girlfriend have a "no touch" policy. Set aside the obvious points of him possibly lying to get me into bed or her feeling forced into this agreement for fear of losing him and that being wrong, - assuming this is their deal: He explained it this way - "what is the difference of watching porn, jacking off to that, and have a girl in your hotel taking a shower or watching her masturbate if there is no touching?". I mean "yeah, right" - but what exactly would the difference be?
Emilia Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 You mean apart from the fact that the two of you would end up having sex in the hotel room eventually? 4
kaylan Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 Why are you even going out on dates with people who have partners? Come on OP 3
SmileFace Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 You mean apart from the fact that the two of you would end up having sex in the hotel room eventually? Yes it's the CHANCE it MAY not happen.
firehawk_1 Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 This bothers me and I can't pinpoint the reason. To take my mind off the guy I am "seeing", who is now on holiday on which he first invited, then un-invited me, I had a coffee date with another man yesterday. He is somewhat famous (in his business) and travels a lot, but has a girlfriend of three years. Before I even went I told him that there will be no hotel, no sex and that I am crushing on another man. We are both heavy flirters so the conversation was easy and fun, nothing felt dirty. Towards the end he did ask me if I want to come to his hotel. I said I believed I made it clear from the beginning that it won't be happenin'. So he explained - him and his girlfriend have a "no touch" policy. Set aside the obvious points of him possibly lying to get me into bed or her feeling forced into this agreement for fear of losing him and that being wrong, - assuming this is their deal: He explained it this way - "what is the difference of watching porn, jacking off to that, and have a girl in your hotel taking a shower or watching her masturbate if there is no touching?". I mean "yeah, right" - but what exactly would the difference be? are you serious? OMG. its women like you that put a bad name and rep on women and men! then you wonder "oh, why cant i find a man"....games...complications....the works. prime example.
Emilia Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 Yes it's the CHANCE it MAY not happen. Ask the men on this board of how many of them agree with you and how many of them are holding their belly right now laughing. The OP is a rabbit in the headlights. 1
firehawk_1 Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 why are you even going out on dates with people who have partners? Come on op ^^ this!!!
SmileFace Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 Ask the men on this board of how many of them agree with you and how many of them are holding their belly right now laughing. The OP is a rabbit in the headlights. Haha I hope you know I was just being cheeky. I was agreeing with you. Could you imagine getting caught? "hunny, I wasn't going to touch her" 1
wwwjd Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 and you would be "fine" with the guy you are "seeing" sitting naked in a hotel alone with another naked girl both masterbating to each other but not touching, right? 1
zengirl Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 It would be the difference between watching a robbery in a film where the criminals are the protagonists and being a willing accessory to their crime (fictional) and watching a robbery take place IRL and being a willing accessory to their crime (real). If you seriously can't see the difference between fiction/movies/porn and things that happen IN REAL LIFE, I would say that's a bit of an issue right there. 2
Emilia Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 Haha I hope you know I was just being cheeky. I was agreeing with you. Could you imagine getting caught? "hunny, I wasn't going to touch her" haha no, I thought you were being serious. I thought one naive person (the OP) was enough on this thread
Professor X Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 how many of them are holding their belly right now laughing. I'll be one of those, thankyou very much.
Author the_endlessriver Posted April 24, 2012 Author Posted April 24, 2012 Gosh, I did not expect those very judgmental responses here. We would under no circumstances would have ended up together, so my question was not really "am I being that naive rabbit in the headlights" but rather more philosophical for lack of a better word. I was not torn between going with him or not. I just thought their real or fake arrangement to be peculiar. Emilia, there would have been no eventual sex. This is exactly what I am talking about. This was not a lure from his side. He simply stated the deal of his relationship because he travels a lot, is known, and his girlfriend may or may not be ok with it. kaylan, it's wrong to have coffee with people that have partners? where, in Iran? I am sorry, we have friends in common, we never left the coffee place, he accepted a call from his girlfriend during this dirty, nasty business, and I guess this must be just a cultural thing. I am French & honestly surprised at the shock this generated. firehawk_1 - I am sorry you feel this way. I am not wondering why I can't "find a man", for goodness sake. My problem is that while don't have a problem being with / "get" men (the subject of my thread here is a man probably considered impossible to get to by other people) I am currently crushed on a guy that is cold and rejecting. And yes, I have in my quarter century long life never experienced that. Don't judge by my other thread that I am undesirable or scorned on a daily basis. It's the opposite, but I don't want to give attractive women a bad name here. Wow. wwwjd - again, this was not my question. I did not ask for a judgement of their relationship or how I would like it if the tables were turned or whatever. This doesn't interest me, they are grown people and I am liberal enough to let them do whatever they see fit. They are not kids. She knows what "watching a girl masturbating" means, he does, this is where my involvement ends. Literally. zengirl - I like your example. IF I have to put my opinion on THEIR deal, I would also consider it crossing the line, but I just could not eloquently describe it or pinpoint what is wrong with it. However, you did put the "evil accessory" spin on it, if you know what I mean. It's not that if it wasn't for another girl's involvement he would just watch porn, and the girlfriend can sleep sound at night. He played it more like a 2D vs 4D thing. Thanks for all the comments.
mostlyclueless Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 I think the difference has to do with emotions and intimacy. You have no relationship with the person you view during porn (or a stripper). If you see a friend naked, you're having an intimate experience with them.
Emilia Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 Emilia, there would have been no eventual sex. This is exactly what I am talking about. This was not a lure from his side. He simply stated the deal of his relationship because he travels a lot, is known, and his girlfriend may or may not be ok with it. I think you have a lot to learn about men and yourself. He finds it easy to read you.
Author the_endlessriver Posted April 24, 2012 Author Posted April 24, 2012 I think you have a lot to learn about men and yourself. He finds it easy to read you. Please explain this derogatory statement.
Author the_endlessriver Posted April 24, 2012 Author Posted April 24, 2012 I think the difference has to do with emotions and intimacy. You have no relationship with the person you view during porn (or a stripper). If you see a friend naked, you're having an intimate experience with them. Thank you. Best answer so far. This was on my tongue and I could not access it. So then - this intimate experience cheating is "worse" than anonymous porn. This is what I should have thought of. Again - this was an abstract, theoretical question. I did not ask to be judged on " what if's " and I am sure the other two people did not either.
Black Jack Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 Your one of the women he spends time with while his girlfriend is at home. This has nothing to do with your view of porn.
wwwjd Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 what you may feel as judgements, could just be us pointing out the other side as perspective to explain your answer to yourself. you asked, we told. how you read it is in your head, not ours.
Author the_endlessriver Posted April 24, 2012 Author Posted April 24, 2012 Your one of the women he spends time with while his girlfriend is at home. This has nothing to do with your view of porn. This has nothing to do with the question I asked, as well. Is it possible to ask a question based on an event without it being my modus operandi in life and being accused on not knowing what I want and being the "other woman" (I am assuming this is what you imply). Is it possible to think theoretically about a couple's relationship agreements without having any personal interest in one party? You think I want this guy / star? I don't. Was I tempted to go with him even for a second? No. Does it keep me awake who he sleeps with? You know the answer. Thank you for your opinion.
Author the_endlessriver Posted April 24, 2012 Author Posted April 24, 2012 what you may feel as judgements, could just be us pointing out the other side as perspective to explain your answer to yourself. you asked, we told. how you read it is in your head, not ours. Oh, I would be absolutely open to that. But you know yourself that this is not the case right now. I was told over coffee by a man about his borders in a relationship. I was already asked why I am going on dates with taken guys, branded naive and unknowing of myself and / or inexperienced with men. Again, possibly a cultural thing and I am glad to get any opinion on this. Just expected them to be more objective.
FitChick Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 I just thought their real or fake arrangement to be peculiar. the subject of my thread here is a man probably considered impossible to get to by other people Perhaps the girlfriend is willing to degrade herself by accepting such an arrangement in order to be seen as "special" by other people because she dates this guy. I doubt a man who engages in such behavior is impossible to get, especially if a woman is very attractive and wants to feel special. Happens everyday!
Author the_endlessriver Posted April 24, 2012 Author Posted April 24, 2012 (edited) Perhaps the girlfriend is willing to degrade herself by accepting such an arrangement in order to be seen as "special" by other people because she dates this guy. I doubt a man who engages in such behavior is impossible to get, especially if a woman is very attractive and wants to feel special. Happens everyday! Well, maybe, maybe not. Why is it assumed that the woman will always mind such an arrangement? This I don't know for sure, but it could go both ways, that is, she is allowed to act the same way. They don't see each other a lot. She is very attractive. Maybe this is their definition of a relationship. I don't think it's fair to automatically assume someone being degraded. And I am not saying you did, but the tone of response so far has been negative towards this arrangement of theirs. Without giving too much away, we both have a lot to lose, so to speak. I think he felt more safe prepositioning me than he would have a regular woman on the street, regardless of his libido. EDIT - I find myself playing Devil's advocate. I do not mean to stand up for or against this deal. I started the thread wondering about it, and I noticed I have been protecting him in my responses. Just wanted to make this clear. Edited April 24, 2012 by the_endlessriver
omid_mankoo_author Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 of course i see his point. and its funny as hell meaning its really funny. I mean, I used to be quite fixated on sex/porn and now that i have overcome such trivialities its funny as hell meaning, its ludicrous or ridiculously silly, the length at which people go to interact sexually with another person, ESPECIALLY when they have a partner. anyway. by for now. oh I failed top mention chart I guide people to the solution by writing about it.
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 Well, maybe, maybe not. Why is it assumed that the woman will always mind such an arrangement? This I don't know for sure, but it could go both ways, that is, she is allowed to act the same way. They don't see each other a lot. She is very attractive. Maybe this is their definition of a relationship. I don't think it's fair to automatically assume someone being degraded. It's not necessarily degrading, but it's completely LAME. What possible benefit could there be in such a contrived, ridiculous set-up? Have an open relationship or don't. Also, I'm pretty sure that dating a person you know, flirting with them, and going to a hotel to participate in "no touch" sex with that person is a LOT different than "viewing" strippers in a club with the boundary being "no touching." But people love to push the boundaries. Sounds very teenager-like to me.
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