4givrnt4gtr Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 So I rejoined the dating ranks recently and though Im having fun, I find that men are extremely confusing! Much more now that I decided to just date several people at the same time until I find the one that I find good about (no sex though, until exclusivity is reached. So, my confusion lies in two guys... Guy 1, we aren't dating, we are actually classmates. I have noticed that he pays a lot of attention to me, like literally hangs on every word i say, and often stays behind to wait for me when class is over (ps Im a grad student). In any case, I try to not pay much attention to him because 1. he is gorgeous and he knows it which kinda makes me feel like he is too cocky for life. 2. He has a girlfriend. So...initially I thought it was just me...my ego wanting a gorgeous man to be attracted to me...but then, last week I asked him a question about school and out of nowhere in a roundabout way he informs me he isn't happy in his relationship and pretty much wants to end it. My response pretty much was followed by And I changed the subject After, we all went out for drinks and ofcourse he sat next to me, totally invading my personal bubble, even putting his head very close to my shoulder, saying he was trying to shield his eyes from the sun...but...he has a girlfriend!! He never made a move, and actually at the end of the whole thing we were the last ones to leave...i tried to make conversation as we walked back to the cars and he just kind of ignored me (part that confused me)...sooooo i dont know what to make of all that. However, he continues following my posts on facebook and replying to my questions (which he always does for some reason...not anyone elses...just mine..crazy person) Guy 2. I met at a bar last weekend. we danced, had fun, totally clicked. He kissed the top of my head which I thought was completely adorable. I then ofcoursed kissed him and....wow...have you ever had a kiss that like...stops everything?? i mean...wow. I wasnt expecting it, I thought ohh you know its just a bar thing...but after that kiss, we couldn't get enough. However, the club closed so I made a move to leave with my girlfriend. He didnt want to let me go, saying it couldnt just end like that, and asked me to take his number which i did. Eventually we met up outside again and ended up following us to a pizzeria nearby...he kept holding my hand, kissing me, telling me I was gorgeous etc etc. After we were really going to leave he literally begged me for my phone number, so I gave it to him. The next day (this past Sunday), he texted me saying he had a lot of fun and hoped to see me again soon...I replied saying the same...and that was it...haven't heard from him... So part of me says..ehh its been only a day or so...but then I wonder..if he was so eager to not let me go...wouldnt have he want to at least have a little longer convo on Sunday? maybe set something up for the next weekend?? WEIRD MEN!!! (or is it me who is weird and dont know how these things work?) ....anyone willing to enlighten me about either (or both!) of these two cases???
crazylove Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 First guy sounds a bit creepy! Second guy may be trying not to look too keen to frighten you away? However, if he hasn't contacted in a day or 2 i'd think he wasn't interested. ...or u could contact him:)
Ellamay Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 Well, first dude sounds like a bit of a douche. Hes clearly NOT trustworthy and trust me, after a while his looks will fade away and all that will be left is the douchebag underneath. If a man isnt thankful for what hes got he isnt likely to be thankful for what hes going to get. second guy was drunk. You cant hold anybody to anything when theyre drunk. He may have been a little bit into you, but not a lot. Who really knows what the hell theyre doing when theyre drunk. For all you know he could have a girlfriend too. Not trying to be negative, you sound like an attractive girl who can get any guy she wants. These two sound like unsafe options. Keep your options open is my advice. Good luck. 1
firehawk_1 Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 yes and for her to play more games, date multiple people, mess them around.... not good at all. learn to control yourself and learn to see it all the way through without playing games and wasting time. jeez, then you wonder "why cant I find a nice guy?" and then act all innocent.
Teal Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 Guy #1 sounds like he wants some hot rebound action.
carhill Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 Would you say the two men you described are average amongst the men whom approach you? 'Average' means fairly typical and customary. To me, as a man, they represent a range of male behavior. Tell me about the last man who approached you and wanted to take things slow, get to know you and share some of your lives together. How did that go?
insertnamehere Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 In both cases you're attracting guys who play hard for attention. Not a good quality in a man. In Guy 1's case, frankly he's trying to get you on the hook as a second lay. He has not intentions of losing the girlfriend. How do I know? When a man wants a girl gone, she's gone. In Guy 2's case, his eagerness suggest a level of fear that betrays his more aggressive behavior. He's got game, but frankly he's still desperate for validation. Consequently, he got what he wanted most (your call == validation) and is pussing out because he's afraid of following through. Not to sound like a jerk, but . . . I'm going to . . . There's a reason most women put a lot of emphasis on men having a more detached personality. Your two examples exhibit why that is. In both cases, you're letting overly eager guys mess with you when you'd be far better served shutting them down. You're rewarding way too much overly eager, puppyish behavior. If I had to guess, you let a guy's good looks get the better of you and you're forgetting to do what most women do: screen his personality.
Pierre Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 OP: Multidating will get you nowhere; it causes confusion and chaos. This is already evident in your post. Your passionate kiss with a drunk stranger in the bar is great, but it may distract you from paying attention to a better quality man in your pool of men. Furthermore, the better quality men do not date women that see many men at once. I suggest you date one man at a time. 1
donnamaybe Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 I think guy#2 will contact you. If he's a M-F work week kinda guy, he may just be busy with work and hasn't had much time for a convo and doesn't want to try to squeeze in time for you so as to not be hasty when you do have time to talk. Just go on having fun living your life and let the chips fall where they may. You seem to have a good handle on feeling people out though. That's a good thing! BTW, I think the kiss on the top of the head is sweet too. And, IMO, multi-dating is a good thing, as long as there is no lying involved.
dasein Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 Describing either of these men as "weird" is somewhat dramatic IMO. Who knows whether the first guy is sincere about ending his relationship and looking to jump branches, or simply trying to cheat? Either way, it's the MO of millions of people out there, so not particularly weird, just low quality. Guy 2? No idea what your gripe is with him, he's a stranger, you don't know him at all. Who knows what he has going on in life? or he could have simply reevaluated calling you and asking you out. He hasn't done you wrong in any way, shape or form. Keep multidating, it's the healthiest way to date, and should you truly meet a weird guy, you will have options available to simply ditch him and move on to the next option as opposed to worrying too much or feeling as if you have wasted time. Good luck.
truth_seeker Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 Guy #1 is looking for his next girlfriend or a cheap hookup. You got it right: if he's good-looking and knows it, then he's cocky and thinks he can get what he wants. Guy is a player and what he's doing now to his current gf, making moves on you, he will do to you when he sees someone else he likes. Guy #2 was a club hookup. In the moment felt a connection to you. Now he's trying to play it cool by not contacting you. He will though, I think. Be patient and wait. He might be holding out hoping you will contact him.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted April 24, 2012 Author Posted April 24, 2012 Thanks for the responses! @ crazy love (and everyone else who said the first guy is a creep), yes i agree...and nooo way Im even considering anything with the guy. Its just...hm I guess its one of those thing where online translation is impossible, as again I don't know if Im seeing what Im seeing or is it all in my head. My point in bringing him up is not because i want to date him...it was more about whether, in your opinion, am I seeing too much in his behavior (and therefore not worry about it) or am I right and he is trying to make a move (in which case I will avoid him as best as I can). I agree he is a total douche...even if say he isn't trying to hook up with me, the fact that he inform me about how he feels towards his girl (who is totally hot btw...douche) instead of talking to her about it let me see the type of guy he is....so yeah The second guy: @ Ellamay...you are right...can't really hold anyone accountable for things said when drunk..at least not in this situation. Im pretty sure he doesn't have a girlfriend though...just didn't give me that type of vibe...actually he gave me more the "im kind of a dork, no game" type. Which is why i liked him to begin with. In fact he hardly was aggressive at all. He seemed more eager than anything else. I was the one who kissed him. He texted me, and I texted back...and thats about it. I have no intentions on calling him anymore...It just confusing how eager and relentless he was about getting my number, the texting in the morning and then nothing...very very odd in my book.... @ insertname, the first guy I got his personality pegged from the first day I met him...but I was definitely not expecting him to pay any attention to me, which threw me for a loop. The second guy, kinda hard to pay attention to personality when you are drunk lol....reason why I kinda wanted to hang out with him in other circumstances. @ Pierre and firehawk....I've dated one man at a time for a very very long time. In fact this is the very first time Ive multi-dated and in fact all the guys Im seeing are doing the same. As I said in my OP, by multidating I mean go out, have dinner, get to know each other. No sex, no physical intimacy. What I've noticed is this....when I used to date one guy at a time, I made every excuse in the book for inexcusable behavior, I ignored more redflags than I care to admit, and all because I wanted to see where it went, wanted to be loyal and thought the guy I was with was utterly special. All that got me was being taken for granted, used or stuck in relationships that were less than ideal, all because I committed too early before I actually knew the dude. ...Quite frankly, to me seems like a reasonable approach and most importantly, is helping me feel balanced, and objective..which I always lacked in other relationships. If things work out...its great...if not, I know its not the end of the world and there ARE more fish in the sea, which is something I never was able to feel when I was dating one guy at a time. I assure you though that if the right guy comes along, I will be more than happy to date him exclusively, but he doesn't get to have that right off the bat @ Carhill: hmm no I dont think these two are fairly average in my experience...guy 1 is a bit more of a douche than Im accustomed to, and guy 2 was much more eager than Im used to as well...so no...i guess thats why they confused me...then again, I came out of a 2 year relationship fairly recently with a guy who by all means was a kind and caring human being, so Im not sure if those two are the norm or my ex was the norm...as I said Im very new to all this. Thanks again for all your responses...interesting points of view from everyone
Pierre Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 @ Pierre and firehawk....I've dated one man at a time for a very very long time. In fact this is the very first time Ive multi-dated and in fact all the guys Im seeing are doing the same. As I said in my OP, by multidating I mean go out, have dinner, get to know each other. No sex, no physical intimacy. What I've noticed is this....when I used to date one guy at a time, I made every excuse in the book for inexcusable behavior, I ignored more redflags than I care to admit, and all because I wanted to see where it went, wanted to be loyal and thought the guy I was with was utterly special. I see your point. You took dating seriously one at a time and had a bad experience. Hence you decided to multi date. IMO, multi daters are more interested in quantity and variety than quality. You say your dates are also multi daters and perhaps they don't mind being part of the herd of men you date. That is OK as long as you tell all the men you are seeing other men. Hopefully they also inform you they are seeing other women. IMO, the multidating is more of a fun thing where the actors are not seeking a serious relationship. If that is your goal then go for it! However, if you are looking for a BF then you will dilute your attention among the many dates and you may actually miss Mr Perfect. Furthermore, there are some men that avoid multi daters. 1
insertnamehere Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 OK, so on balance . . . Guy 1 == slightly shady motives. Guy 2 == alcohol-fueled misconceptions. Sounds too typical to be hit with the word "weird". Weird ought to be reserved for guys who look like the love child of Paul Ruebens and Tim Burton and smell like some unidentifiable type of corn chip and insist upon talking about trains and have clearly visible skin tags. I don't think your two guys even move you out of the 40th to 60th percentiles range of male behavior.
TheBigQuestion Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 (edited) I like how the OP in this thread had absolutely no hostility directed towards her despite the fact that she made a blanket statement about men being "weird" and vented about some of her dating woes. Seems fair. But at the same time, in the equivalent thread written by a male, "Lies told by society," the OP gets insulted in various ways and no one bats an eyelash. In fact, certain forum regulars endorse said insults. Edited April 25, 2012 by TheBigQuestion
johan Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 I like how the OP in this thread had absolutely no hostility directed towards her despite the fact that she made a blanket statement about men being "weird" and vented about some of her dating woes. Seems fair. But at the same time, in the equivalent thread written by a male, "Lies told by society," the OP gets insulted in various ways and no one bats an eyelash. In fact, certain forum regulars endorse said insults. Do you often find yourself bursting into tears for what seems like no reason? 1
TheBigQuestion Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 Do you often find yourself bursting into tears for what seems like no reason? Explain further.
DuchessKaye Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 women are crazy Yes we sometimes are. Haha! But don't you guys love a little bit of craziness?
fallenheart Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 nothing "weird" about either of these guys. they both want to f*** you. and whatever they are doing to get to that end is working, cause you are obviously thinking about them. guys have to jumps through hoops and play games and basically act like a**holes or else girls ignore them completely. if a nice guy approached you and acted civil you would yawn and roll your eyes. these "weird" guys have good game cause they got under your skin. one or both of them will probably nail you soon.
DuchessKaye Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 jerks love 'a little bit of craziness' but the rest of us don't. i don't like it when she begs for me to call, don't answer and returns my call three weeks later. i don't like it when she says she wants to wait for sex, but secretly is disappointed if i don't ask for sex on a first date. i don't like it when half of my dates are cancelled by text due to 'weather' or some other lame fake excuse. i don't like it when she says express more of your feelings and then isn't happy when i do. should i go on further? I know I am crazy but I don't act like any of these. I didn't beg to any of the guys I've been with. I text/call them twice a day. Sometimes more if he made it possible to extend our conversation. I am upfront in telling them that "Men and women, regardless of how religious they are, they do sex." And it's okay for us to do it if we feel like doing it. I never cancelled my dates. As in never. I hate flaking. So far, I can consider myself as good in filtering, cause up to now, I couldn't tell I have been with a jerk. They were all awesome for me and I really have nothing against them even after we parted ways.
DuchessKaye Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 then why are you crazy? i'm used to the term 'a little bit' meaning a ton when discussing dating and relationships. Crazy in bed? LOL! My ex's used to call me 'A crazy girl', but they said, that's why they liked me. I'm not usually normal, haha. Cause I think, being all normal all the time is boring.
ednadean Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 guy #2 was on ecstacy.... guy #1 sounds a bit shady to me. if he doesn't break up with3 the GF soon -- I'd say keep away.
dispatch3d Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 Guy 2 figures your interest is low and you are likely to flake if he asks you out. I would have guessed this if I was him from some of your actions: (1) Not bothering to get his number/another way to contact him (2) Leaving the bar with his number which is highly unlikely to get called (3) Him having to beg you for your number (4) non-committal/non-excited response to his text If I was him I would have probably acted the same after sending the text. You seem likely to flake or just low interest in general. "Chased more than you're used to"... if he didn't "chase" this wouldn't even have a chance to get anywhere, and even with the chasing it probably won't work out.
Bob_Funk Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 Have you tried giving guys without the facial proportions of a male model a chance? No, because they're "icky." If you want an actual relationship, you won't get it from these guys. Either date in your league or accept being part of a harem.
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