BF of 6 months asked to borrow $1,500

[stillafool]

He is 35, he has very little money in his bank account because it's mostly been spent on his house and car. He went back to school 3 years ago and just graduated a year ago. He has only been working for the past year and has very little money. He has always splurged on me with food, gifts, flowers during the past 6 months we been together (and probably in financially irresponsible way).

 

But for the past few weeks he has been telling me he's short on money and is broke and is worried about having enough money to go to one of his best friends wedding in Hong Kong (he will be there for 2 weeks and got to pay for flight and hotel and so will be super expensive). I thought about offering to lend him money but I do not want him to start depending on me for money so I opted out.

 

But today he texted me if he can borrow $1,500. I was a bit offended he asked me via text (probably because he feels ashamed). Nonetheless I called him up and told him I will give him the money no problem and he can pay me back whenever but I told him that I do need someone who is financially secure and knows how to mange his own finances as it's important long term and in marriage. I have to admit I came off a bit too harsh and I really did lose a lot of respect that he'd just come to me so casually and ask me for money (I would think most guys would have too much pride to ask their gf for money?) as I figured he'd only ask me as a last resort. Turns out he didn't even try asking his brother/sister/parents first. He told me he asked me because I'm his gf and he felt comfortable with me.

 

I fear I'd turn out to look like a fool or be used. I love this man but I'm sure that may be clouding my judgement. I've heard some people say that if a man asks a girl for money to quickly RUN away from the man as he is at worst a con artist and at best a loser. My bf said he is only short on cash now because he hasnt been working that long but that things will be better later. It's also really only a one-time thing that he needs so much money for his best friend's wedding but that normally he won't need all this money.

 

I believe him, I trust him, but am I just blinded by love?

 

WARNING: RED FLAG IS UP! If this guy knew his best friend was having a wedding (and most couples give advance notice of this) he should have been saving his money for the occasion instead of buying you an $800 Valentine's Day present. It is much too soon to ask for money. You should have said no. I don't understand why he feels more comfortable asking someone he's only known for 6 months to borrow money instead of his family who he has known all his life. Don't be surprised if he doesn't pay you back. You should have given him a time line as to when you want the loan repaid. If you break up your money is gone.

[serial muse]

OK, so you guys have been dating six months. What I think you're really asking us is, this is a gamble, I don't entirely trust this guy, but I want to. Should I?

 

That's a really hard question for us to answer. I went back to read your other threads about him, to get some context.

 

It seems that you really struggle to assert yourself with him, to create boundaries. It seems, from what you've said, that he tends to be irresponsible and somewhat clueless about your feelings.

 

And it's worrisome, to me, that you feel like you have to protect him from life - for example, he doesn't like to drive to see you, and so you shoulder that entire burden alone, because he's never had to do it before:

 

Well the first month we dated i loved literally 2 minutes away from him but I commuted every day for work (traffic sometimes got so bad it was 2.5 hours roundtrip) so I moved to cut down my commute. He didn't like the idea of me moving but agreed it was best for me. I think because of that, I feel bad having him drive. It wasn't what he signed up for. I do get tired of being the one to drive most of the time but I feel I have no choice because he's not used to driving in traffic EVER before he met me (his schools, jobs, past gf's were all local) so he gets sleepy and I fear for his safety.

 

...[snip]

 

I've been with my bf 5 months...past few weeks I've been feeling restless/burnt out with him.

 

The picture I'm getting is that this is someone who never grew up. And that you've already had serious doubts about whether he cares enough about you, but are afraid to rock the boat enough to set strong boundaries.

 

So you're asking whether it's a good risk to loan him a very big sum of money? Well, based on what you've already said about him, I would not say he's a good risk. And it doesn't sound like you would be able to set a firm boundary for being paid back, either.

 

But the thing that worries me most, OP, is that you are so anxious not to rock the boat with him. I'm worried that you'll agree to this for that reason, even though you'd clearly rather not. I'm worried that you'll lend him the money because you're hoping it'll make him love you more:

 

I can feel that my bf loves me, but sometimes I think about how much he must have loved his 3rd gf...and they were together for 5 years...and I can't help but feel saddened by it. I want to ask my bf if he loves me more than he's loved anyone else because this is a must-have for me if I were to marry someone. But at the same time I think how can I possibly to expect him to feel that way about me when he's only been with me 5 months while he's been with her 5 years.

 

Maybe I'm misjudging your boyfriend, but from your posts here you haven't given the impression that the relationship is strong, from his end, or that he's responsible enough to take this kind of debt seriously. What do you really think about that, all other considerations aside?

Edited April 24, 2012 by serial muse

[LexiB]

Yeah, because it's wrong to call men cheap for not paying for a coffee, but clearly a woman is cheap because she doesn't want to loan someone $1500, amirite?

 

I'd like to start an open wager on what musemaj would have said had the OP been a guy talking about his gf. My bet's on, "She's a gold digger, typical entitled princess behaviour". Whaddya guys think?

 

 

 

I think anyone is within their rights to turn down the request of a non-essential favour, without needing to explain much further. If he throws a huge fuss and accuses you for refusing the loan, THEN that says a lot about his (lack of) character. Whereas if he is a decent guy who is just asking, he will not probe further into his gf telling him nicely that she can't loan him that much (there are other reasons to not be able to do that other than current financial situation). It is not a lie, especially if you feel you would resent him if you were to give in.

 

Tell him instead that you will help him save up by chipping in more for shared expenses, and suggest doing cheaper/free activities together more often.

 

 

Didn't even read the whole post. Auto-liked after the first sentence.

[Pierre]

For those who read this and who have read my past few posts, perhaps my bf doesn't come off to be that great...but at the same time I've left out all the good things about him. He is for the most part very caring, sweet and understanding to me. He does pay for our meals/expenses 75% of the time and he's bought me an $800 gift for valentines day along with a dozen roses. He has splurged on me so I don't think he is using me. I did warn him that I do not want to be taken for granted.

 

 

I am financially well off and I would never buy an $800.00 gift to a GF of a few months.

 

It is highly inappropriate for a struggling man to give a present like that. It is also stupid to fly to Hong Kong when he is dirt poor. It seems poor folks tend to over spend money and those that have money are more conservative with money.

 

Don't get me wrong I pay for all my dates and I never let a woman pay. However an $800.00 gift so early in the relationship is not a good idea. Shame on you for accepting the gift when you knew quite well that this man is broke.

[carhill]

I believe him, I trust him, but am I just blinded by love?

 

The latter, IMO.

 

Since you've already agreed, the ship has sailed, absent of course going back on your word. You could collateralize his car as the agreement didn't specify secured or unsecured.

 

We teach people how to treat us. Good luck.

[wwwjd]

FINANCES is in the top 10 reasons for Divorce.

 

Don't start going there NOW, even before marriage.

 

Say no.

[mostlyclueless]

Loan him the money if you want, but don't expect to get it back.

[CarrieT]

Two Words:

 

PROMISSORY NOTE

 

 

Very simple. Lend him the money with a signed, notarized promissory note. It isn't personal - it is business. Treat it as such.

[jobaba]

I lent my last GF about half that and didn't even flinch.

 

She was solid as a rock though. After we broke up, she told me she still had to pay me back, and would do it slowly (yes, she is not a rich person). I wasn't even going to bring it up.

 

IMO, if you can't trust someone enough to lend them $1500, you shouldn't even entertain the thought of love or marriage.

 

Every one of my girlfriends has been good about $ in that way. It's a matter of principle. If you borrow $ from ANYBODY and don't pay them back, you're a piece of sh@t.

It's pretty important to me at least.

[darkmoon]

every time i see this post's title, i see a young woman manipulated by somebody who should know better

sorry, but i have concerns - is this a one-off request or is OP his bank-to-be?

mine started like this, then it becomes a habit to ask, then a right, then a dispute if refused...

if you'd been married for a long while, ok, but six months going out together is not that long

Edited April 24, 2012 by darkmoon

[Mme. Chaucer]

Bottom line is, it's not a good idea to loan money to a new love interest, especially when they have proven to you that they are not good with money. Does not bode well.

 

I'm not saying that he is trying to take advantage of you, or that he is not a "real man" or anything.

 

He should have thought about the trip to Hong Kong when he was spending 800 on a valentine's gift for a girl he's just started dating!!

 

He's bad with money and you're enabling him to continue to be that way.

 

Plus, you are supposed to still be in the "getting to know you" stage.

[musemaj11]

Good, isn't it? It's funny how those that want to share tend to be the ones that earn less. I wonder why.

Yes, it is curious that the parties who ardently reject signing a prenup before marriage are ALWAYS the parties who are bringing less assets into the marriage.

 

Originally Posted by Elswyth

Yeah, because it's wrong to call men cheap for not paying for a coffee, but clearly a woman is cheap because she doesn't want to loan someone $1500, amirite?

 

I'd like to start an open wager on what musemaj would have said had the OP been a guy talking about his gf. My bet's on, "She's a gold digger, typical entitled princess behaviour". Whaddya guys think?

Dude, did you even read the original post? She even admitted it herself that the guy contributes 70% to their expenses and often splurged on her with the little money he had including spending $800 on her on one occasion.

 

Yea, what a golddigging princess that guy is ...

 

I stand by my belief that women are the most calculating creatures. When they receive, there is no second thought. Its just love. But when they have to give, suddenly someone is not a real man.

Edited April 24, 2012 by musemaj11

[FitChick]

I wonder if the reason he hasn't asked his family for money is because he owes them all money.

 

Do what you like. If you want to be repaid, do what others have said and draw up a written contract. If you don't care if you get it back, give it as a gift and say it's his early Christmas or birthday present. Then you won't have to worry about getting a present for him later.

[veggirl]

:rolleyes: Where was all your concern about his manliness and you losing respect / attraction when he was blowing money he doesn't have on $800 gifts for you and 75% of the paying on dates? You were okay with him living outside of his means for that but now that you won't benefit from the $$ spent you are turned off and losing respect? Really?

 

Beyond that, what exactly is the $1500 for? Hotel? Airfare? Spending money? Instead of handing him cash, can't you absorb one of those expenses for him instead (hotel or airfare). Normally I wouldn't advise to lend this money, but considering what you happily accept from him (knowing he can't afford it) I think it's pretty hypocritical to suddenly be "losing respect" and questioning his manhood NOW

[fucpcg]

I think you lot are not at all being fair to this guy, at all! At a minimum, you don't have enough information to even make a judgement if this guy is deserving of the loan. And is it a loan? How much has he spent on you? And is this some loser who can't afford to pay his bills? I know PLENTY of 30-60 year olds living paycheck to paycheck, so anyone who wants to bash him for that, bull$hit.

 

My ex bashed me when we broke up for taking money from a single mom of three boys. Why? Because I had borrowed $1,000 from her. Did she have it? Yes I believe so, I don't think that I took it and put her under duress, or I wouldn't have asked. Am I some loser? No, I am a business owner, that has great months, and bad months. In the entire time her and I were together, I never let her pay for ANYTHING! And when I didn't have the money to pay for things for us and her 3 boys, what did I do? I asked to borrow the money from her, VS say ask her to pay. My point was that I didn't want her to pay for anything, ever, and if I needed to I'd borrow money from her for our pleasures together, then pay her back when things were good. I spent $1,000's on this girl and her children over the course of the year we were together, and what did I get in return, blasted for being a loser.

 

When we broke up, and she started telling me, her girlfriends, and my friends what a financial bum I was (among other things), I sent her the money back, with a listing of all that I had spent on her and the boys. I said I am sorry that you feel this way, but the fact that you have to run around and tell everyone this stuff is absolutely not right, nor fair, because here is what we spent on us.... and I listed it, and it came to $6,000, and that didn't include daily things like food, gas, eating out, etc. That was $6,000 in big spending, like taking her kids to amusement parks out of town. And when did I start spending the big bucks on her? It was within our first month of dating I had no problem spending close to $500 on a day trip with her and her three boys. NEVER asked her to pay, NEVER wanted her to pay, and NEVER KEPT A SCORECARD OF WHO WAS SPENDING WHAT. Who cares anyway, isn't love about something deeper?

 

Her response to my letter I wrote her about here's your money back, here's what I spent, please stop running your mouth to everyone about what a loser I am? It was "YOU are such a loser, only you would have the gall to list the money you spent on our relationship". SERIOUSLY?

 

Nevermind I spent all that money on our relationship. Nevermind that I took her kids everywhere on my expense. Nevermind that I only borrowed money to keep you from ever having to purchase anything, so that I could buy it then pay you back. I NEVER kept a scorecard with her, yet she sure as $hit did with me, and silly me I thought our relationship was about love, being a family with her boys, and me trying to be the man in the family paying for all the expenses of a family that wasn't even mine!

 

I don't know all the facts here, but I can tell you with what I do have, if I was your boyfriend, and I found/read this post, I'D WALK! I've learned my lesson. If you are glad to take the love and gifts he offered in the beginning, then feel "offended" he asked for love in return, bye bye. In love I don't keep a scorecard, money to me was never anything more than being able to do wonderful things with her and her three boys. And she wanted to crucify me for that? Good luck with the next guy.

[wwwjd]

I think you lot are not at all being fair to this guy, at all! At a minimum, you don't have enough information to even make a judgement if this guy is deserving of the loan.

 

It's the internet. We can ONLY work with what is given, and our responses are given from that info. It's all we CAN do.

[soserious1]

I think you lot are not at all being fair to this guy, at all! At a minimum, you don't have enough information to even make a judgement if this guy is deserving of the loan. And is it a loan? How much has he spent on you? And is this some loser who can't afford to pay his bills? I know PLENTY of 30-60 year olds living paycheck to paycheck, so anyone who wants to bash him for that, bull$hit.

 

My ex bashed me when we broke up for taking money from a single mom of three boys. Why? Because I had borrowed $1,000 from her. Did she have it? Yes I believe so, I don't think that I took it and put her under duress, or I wouldn't have asked. Am I some loser? No, I am a business owner, that has great months, and bad months. In the entire time her and I were together, I never let her pay for ANYTHING! And when I didn't have the money to pay for things for us and her 3 boys, what did I do? I asked to borrow the money from her, VS say ask her to pay. My point was that I didn't want her to pay for anything, ever, and if I needed to I'd borrow money from her for our pleasures together, then pay her back when things were good. I spent $1,000's on this girl and her children over the course of the year we were together, and what did I get in return, blasted for being a loser.

 

When we broke up, and she started telling me, her girlfriends, and my friends what a financial bum I was (among other things), I sent her the money back, with a listing of all that I had spent on her and the boys. I said I am sorry that you feel this way, but the fact that you have to run around and tell everyone this stuff is absolutely not right, nor fair, because here is what we spent on us.... and I listed it, and it came to $6,000, and that didn't include daily things like food, gas, eating out, etc. That was $6,000 in big spending, like taking her kids to amusement parks out of town. And when did I start spending the big bucks on her? It was within our first month of dating I had no problem spending close to $500 on a day trip with her and her three boys. NEVER asked her to pay, NEVER wanted her to pay, and NEVER KEPT A SCORECARD OF WHO WAS SPENDING WHAT. Who cares anyway, isn't love about something deeper?

 

Her response to my letter I wrote her about here's your money back, here's what I spent, please stop running your mouth to everyone about what a loser I am? It was "YOU are such a loser, only you would have the gall to list the money you spent on our relationship". SERIOUSLY?

 

Nevermind I spent all that money on our relationship. Nevermind that I took her kids everywhere on my expense. Nevermind that I only borrowed money to keep you from ever having to purchase anything, so that I could buy it then pay you back. I NEVER kept a scorecard with her, yet she sure as $hit did with me, and silly me I thought our relationship was about love, being a family with her boys, and me trying to be the man in the family paying for all the expenses of a family that wasn't even mine!

 

I don't know all the facts here, but I can tell you with what I do have, if I was your boyfriend, and I found/read this post, I'D WALK! I've learned my lesson. If you are glad to take the love and gifts he offered in the beginning, then feel "offended" he asked for love in return, bye bye. In love I don't keep a scorecard, money to me was never anything more than being able to do wonderful things with her and her three boys. And she wanted to crucify me for that? Good luck with the next guy.

 

Not saying that her bashing you to family & friends was right but if you presented her with a list of everything you spent on her & her kids you most assuredly were keeping a "scorecard" not that this is wrong but it is food for thought. Obviously sharing as much as you did bothered you, maybe something to consider cutting back on in your next relationship.

[truth_seeker]

Anytime someone you're DATING asks for money, drop them.

 

$1500 for a trip to Hong Kong without you? You realize he's probably going to have some "fun" with the $1500 you will be fronting him?

[musemaj11]

I think you lot are not at all being fair to this guy, at all! At a minimum, you don't have enough information to even make a judgement if this guy is deserving of the loan. And is it a loan? How much has he spent on you? And is this some loser who can't afford to pay his bills? I know PLENTY of 30-60 year olds living paycheck to paycheck, so anyone who wants to bash him for that, bull$hit.

 

My ex bashed me when we broke up for taking money from a single mom of three boys. Why? Because I had borrowed $1,000 from her. Did she have it? Yes I believe so, I don't think that I took it and put her under duress, or I wouldn't have asked. Am I some loser? No, I am a business owner, that has great months, and bad months. In the entire time her and I were together, I never let her pay for ANYTHING! And when I didn't have the money to pay for things for us and her 3 boys, what did I do? I asked to borrow the money from her, VS say ask her to pay. My point was that I didn't want her to pay for anything, ever, and if I needed to I'd borrow money from her for our pleasures together, then pay her back when things were good. I spent $1,000's on this girl and her children over the course of the year we were together, and what did I get in return, blasted for being a loser.

 

When we broke up, and she started telling me, her girlfriends, and my friends what a financial bum I was (among other things), I sent her the money back, with a listing of all that I had spent on her and the boys. I said I am sorry that you feel this way, but the fact that you have to run around and tell everyone this stuff is absolutely not right, nor fair, because here is what we spent on us.... and I listed it, and it came to $6,000, and that didn't include daily things like food, gas, eating out, etc. That was $6,000 in big spending, like taking her kids to amusement parks out of town. And when did I start spending the big bucks on her? It was within our first month of dating I had no problem spending close to $500 on a day trip with her and her three boys. NEVER asked her to pay, NEVER wanted her to pay, and NEVER KEPT A SCORECARD OF WHO WAS SPENDING WHAT. Who cares anyway, isn't love about something deeper?

 

Her response to my letter I wrote her about here's your money back, here's what I spent, please stop running your mouth to everyone about what a loser I am? It was "YOU are such a loser, only you would have the gall to list the money you spent on our relationship". SERIOUSLY?

 

Nevermind I spent all that money on our relationship. Nevermind that I took her kids everywhere on my expense. Nevermind that I only borrowed money to keep you from ever having to purchase anything, so that I could buy it then pay you back. I NEVER kept a scorecard with her, yet she sure as $hit did with me, and silly me I thought our relationship was about love, being a family with her boys, and me trying to be the man in the family paying for all the expenses of a family that wasn't even mine!

 

I don't know all the facts here, but I can tell you with what I do have, if I was your boyfriend, and I found/read this post, I'D WALK! I've learned my lesson. If you are glad to take the love and gifts he offered in the beginning, then feel "offended" he asked for love in return, bye bye. In love I don't keep a scorecard, money to me was never anything more than being able to do wonderful things with her and her three boys. And she wanted to crucify me for that? Good luck with the next guy.

Its women dude.

 

They dont count what they get, only what they give.

[fucpcg]

Not saying that her bashing you to family & friends was right but if you presented her with a list of everything you spent on her & her kids you most assuredly were keeping a "scorecard" not that this is wrong but it is food for thought. Obviously sharing as much as you did bothered you, maybe something to consider cutting back on in your next relationship.

 

Not true. I never cared about anything I spent, nor did I track it. How did I know? Because it was easy to look back and figure it out. I bought her rollerblades, $250. I bought her kids sleds, $300. I remember what I purchased for them for the big tickets. It was listed and brought up ONLY AFTER she started spreading horror stories about me. If she felt the need to do that, then it was fair to address myself with a fair response. About 1.5 years ago, I bought a new TV and stand, it cost me $1200. Am I keeping a scorecard with myself? No, I can just remember what the TV cost.

 

I have never had another relationship end over money, or with a debate over who spent what. Never. And in fact, I am great friends with every single ex but this one. I've over spent by at least 10 times the amount on every single ex I have. Never asked them for anything back, never accused them of taking anything from me. I have an ex I put thru culinary school, after we were split, because she was a good girl looking for a new career path. Never asked anything in return, cause I loved the girl, and I wanted to help her, and was in a position to. I have no regrets, and actually proud to say I have done such things.

 

Posting on the internet about your lover borrowing money? Dirty. If the situation was that bad, for her to question what kind of guy he was, then don't lend the money, and leave him. If he's not that bad of a guy, or actually even a good guy, shame on her for airing the dirty laundry out there for a guy undeserving. I am sure my ex could post a great story about what a loser I was in here, and what a reflection that would be on her, not me, though I am sure many in here would love to buy into it, apparently.

Edited April 24, 2012 by fucpcg

[reptilelover88]

Anytime someone you're DATING asks for money, drop them.

 

This. It's inappropriate of him to ask - he's taking the mickey - and it's inappropriate of you to even consider agreeing. A promissory note might help in terms of making sure you get paid back, but I don't think that's really the issue here. You shouldn't be lending money to guys you're dating - period. If he needs the money that badly he can get a bank loan or even put it on a credit card and then deal with the responsibility and consequences himself. You're not his wife or his mother - in fact you've only been dating him for 6 months! - so you have no responsibility whatsoever to bankroll his holiday, even if his friend is getting married. He should have to stand on his own two feet on this one. If you don't put your foot down, he'll lose respect for you and will almost certainly ask you for more 'loans' down the line. Please don't get taken for a ride just because you've saved hard and he hasn't, and you're not able to say no to him.

[jobaba]

You guys are unreal...

 

If you can't even trust someone enough to lend them $1500 then why are you dating them in the first place?

 

6 months is a long time.

[spookie]

To me it sounds like the real question OP is asking, is whether his financial situation is acceptable. I think she trusts him to pay her back, but is questioning what it means that he's asking in the first place.

 

I don't think him willingly spending money on her, is comparable to him asking to borrow $1,500 for a vacation to Hong Kong. Just because he bought her a gift she didn't ask for and he couldn't afford, means it's her obligation now to lend him money. I agree that she, if she has known how broke he is, she shouldn't have accepted his gifts, even though it's not her responsibility to manage his finances. But that was a few months ago, and they had only just started dating back them. There is a good chance she didn't know his situation.

 

If they were in their late teens or early 20's, I wouldn't think his behaivior was that big of a red flag.

 

But at 35, I expect a man to have his s!ht together. His financial recklessness would be a deal breaker to me.

Edited April 24, 2012 by spookie

[zengirl]

Re: Financial security

 

Honestly, I think you simply have to make peace with whatever financial style your SO has. Or date someone else. That's really what it comes down to in the end --- of course, you can talk and agree on something and so forth, but at the end of the day, it has to be accepted. You can't be judging someone else's style forever. Hubby and I don't have the same financial style, and he spends money quite frequently that I consider wasteful. Oh, well. We agreed on a financial goal for ourselves. I really think judging someone's financial choices is 100% natural BUT, at the end of the day, you accept them or you don't. It's easy enough to say someone with poor finances is a deal-breaker, but for most people, it truly isn't.

 

To me it sounds like the real question OP is asking, is whether his financial situation is acceptable. I think she trusts him to pay her back, but is questioning what it means that he's asking in the first place.

 

I think the OP honestly hasn't sussed out particularly what she's asking or what she's uncomfortable with, but that's what she needs to do. She mentions posts (previously) that made him look not so good and insisting that she "left out all the good parts." To me, that's more of a red flag than the money.

 

I do question, OP, that if you felt totally 100% comfortable in this relationship would you even bat an eye before lending the money (assuming $1500 is not a huge sum for you that would cause any hardship, etc)?

 

I don't think him willingly spending money on her, is comparable to him asking to borrow $1,500 for a vacation to Hong Kong.

 

This is a fair point. I truly think it's fine to ask --- and I've lent BFs and friends and family members alike medium and large sums for similar things. No worries. But I do not think requesting money for something is the same as getting something worth that amount of money, as a gift that you never expected or requested.

[spookie]

ZG, I totally agree with your post above. I think first and foremost, she needs to figure out whether she's ok with his financial style, and if so, to stop judging. After that, it will be easier to decide whether or not to lend him the money, based on how comfortable she is with that act itself.

 

As I said, to me, the financial irresponsibility would be a dealbreaker - as evidenced not only by him asking me for the cash, but living paycheck to paycheck and buying gifts he could not afford. We all have different values on the subject, and I admit that I'm more risk-averse, when it comes to this.

 

Lending the money I would not have a problem with, whether to an SO that met my criteria, or a friend.

Edited April 24, 2012 by spookie