zengirl Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 In my opinion, she did commit a faux pas by texting to reschedule rather than using the phone and expressing herself more clearly. This is a trap she seems to fall into repeatedly and I wish she would learn to approach communication differently and take more responsibility for her end of it. This is a good point. A proper phone call would've been more polite.
Shaun-Dro Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 I did. I's raining and cold and wind nearly broke my umbrella. I texted the "simplify" guy to better move the dinner to another time, like tomorrow or the day after. He responded "forget it" Is bad weather not a valid reason or something? Not valid at all. It's clear you just wasn't in the mood to see him suddenly, and used the sketchy weather as excuse to pull out. Like I said once before, women change their minds almost incessantly and often without good reason.
gibson Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 (edited) Not valid at all. It's clear you just wasn't in the mood to see him suddenly, and used the sketchy weather as excuse to pull out. Like I said once before, women change their minds almost incessantly and often without good reason. So if a girl accepts a date with you... She relinquishes all control, decision making and her happiness to you? You alone decide what she can and cannot do and she needs your blessing / approval? You are one sick person if you think you own, control and possess the person you are dating, in a relationship with or married too. If someone reschedules a date with you, what valid reasons are you willing to give your blessing and approval for? If their reasons are not valid to you, do you force them to go on the date? Murder them? Edited April 24, 2012 by gibson
JohnP82 Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 If a girl says she can't make it for the date because of the weather and there is no blizzard, hurricane, tornado warning, or outside date activity planned then she's not that interested in you. When a girl is really interested in a guy not much will stop her from seeing him. The guy could tell, however he didn't handle the situation correctly.
yongyong Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 I understand. Men test drive the car first and they might change their minds since it's not all about the appearance. We care whether it has Firm suspension, Sounds nice, has Tight gear, will be High maintenance, has a good Air Bag and is Easy to work with. After all those things are tested in person, Men will make a final decision. Of course, a lot of men prefer to just lease it. It's a good idea to have fun with it, return it and get a newer one. Yong, I thought my xxxxx may be for sale but once I have put it on the market, I realized I do not want to sell it.
Imajerk17 Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 I caught the post where you said you rescheduled. That's good, I think. Hopefully you'll show, not just in body but also in spirit. In the end, no one likes being disrespected, and being postponed for an iffy excuse counts as disrespect. You've already let the guy know that you aren't that interested, after he scheduled his time to meet up (your original time for the date). "I wanted to give meeting up with you a chance but I'm now feeling that I'm not ready to date again" is perfectly fine.
ariadne999 Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 Of course, a lot of men prefer to just lease it. It's a good idea to have fun with it, return it and get a newer one. until the money runs out.
WildHorses Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 Not valid at all. It's clear you just wasn't in the mood to see him suddenly, and used the sketchy weather as excuse to pull out. Like I said once before, women change their minds almost incessantly and often without good reason. Who cares what the reasons are to cancel a date. I have cancelled many dates, and will probably do so again in the future. If somebody has a problem with that, I don't care. If they lash out because I have to cancel, I just saved myself from dealing with somebody I would not want in my life. 1
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted April 24, 2012 Author Posted April 24, 2012 This is a really good point. At least to me, because I think I settled down there. It's easy to do after you've been through enough painful breakups. The cynicism you wish you didn't have can cause even good opportunities to go off track, and those negative experiences add more cynicism and self-doubt, digging the hole deeper. It's not hard to stay there. You can make it a comfortable place. Other than being as straightforward with this guy as you can, I don't see a need to take particular care that you don't disappoint him. People will say, "if you aren't in the state of mind to be dating, then don't date." They don't realize that that's the hard part: actually knowing your own state of mind. You have days when you feel optimistic, and it makes you wonder if you're ready. And you know if the "right person" came along, your state of mind would adjust right away. So you try, but you find that really nothing has changed. Ambivalence is still lurking right around every corner. It makes you a flake, whether you want to be or not. Exactly. I have followed some of your personal posts over the last few years and I feel like I am at that place right now. It could turn out to be the great reflective period of my life or I could end up stuck there. I am afraid of being stuck (as I had the tendency to in the past). There is a certain comfort in ambivalence. Whatever it is, this experience with the ex has shook me up to the core. I am not sure if he himself was that special (perhaps he was, perhaps you only know these things in hindsight), but I know I went "all in" and I lost. I just don't see myself going "all in" anytime soon or even ever.
Feelsgoodman Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 Nah, I just wanted to curl up on my couch, crank up the heating and watch a movie of my choice I still think he over-reacted. He thinks you're just wasting his time. He's probably right. 1
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 Really, it is not up to anybody to decide whether or not a person's excuse is good enough, or not. All the person on the receiving end of an excuse has to do is either accept it, or not. I strongly disagree with you guys who believe that a person (I expect that this only applies to women) needs to be able to explain and defend their excuse or change of mind. A person can change their mind without owing a stranger an explanation, and without making a big bad mark on their character. The only caveat to all this is that the person needs to have the same rules applied to themselves when somebody else changes their mind on them. 1
Feelsgoodman Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 I strongly disagree with you guys who believe that a person (I expect that this only applies to women) needs to be able to explain and defend their excuse or change of mind. I agree that everyone has the right to change their mind. What I don't like is when people lie about their motivations. The OP did not cancel because of bad weather. She cancelled because she wasn't interested. And if the guy agreed to reschedule, she would have likely flaked on him again. The OP is a insecure, emotionally unstable individual who insists on infecting others with her misery.
gibson Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 (edited) The OP is a insecure, emotionally unstable individual who insists on infecting others with her misery. How can she be pulling a fast one over on the guy when after meeting each other they both shared the following information... Originally Posted by Eternal Sunshine He ended a LTR 4 months ago and we bonded over that and the fact that we both feel a bit lost. Neither of us is looking for a relationship. I told him that I am not looking for anything serious but not one night stand either. He said he feels the same. HOWEVER, it was clear that he wanted to have sex that night. He kept hinting and I kept rejecting and telling him it's not gonna happen. He asked if he can kiss me. I said no at first but then ended up kissing him . It was pretty hot and he commented on how much he enjoyed it. Still, I didn't want to go home with him. There are no victims here and they both know what is going on. He is looking for sex and so is she. Whether they get it on or not... has yet to be determined. Edited April 24, 2012 by gibson
johan Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 I agree that everyone has the right to change their mind. What I don't like is when people lie about their motivations. The OP did not cancel because of bad weather. She cancelled because she wasn't interested. And if the guy agreed to reschedule, she would have likely flaked on him again. The OP is a insecure, emotionally unstable individual who insists on infecting others with her misery. Calling her insecure and emotionally unstable isn't fair. She didn't want to go on the date, so she let him know. Your statement about her "infecting others with her misery" is just a cheap low blow, and it probably has a lot more to do with your state of mind than hers. I've never considered ES a vindictive person like that, even if she doesn't always run her relationships as well as she could. The guy could have been a sport about it and tried to convince her to come out anyway, even to pick her up, and then showed her they can have a good time together. She could have ended the night laughing and glad he convinced her to go and looking forward to next time. Instead he showed he has a fair amount of insecurity himself.
Feelsgoodman Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 Calling her insecure and emotionally unstable isn't fair. She didn't want to go on the date, so she let him know. Your statement about her "infecting others with her misery" is just a cheap low blow, and it probably has a lot more to do with your state of mind than hers. I've never considered ES a vindictive person like that, even if she doesn't always run her relationships as well as she could. The guy could have been a sport about it and tried to convince her to come out anyway, even to pick her up, and then showed her they can have a good time together. She could have ended the night laughing and glad he convinced her to go and looking forward to next time. Instead he showed he has a fair amount of insecurity himself. I suggest your read more posts by the OP. Your opinion might change.
johan Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 I suggest your read more posts by the OP. Your opinion might change. Do you mean the ones she has posted over the years under this user name and previous ones? And you think my opinion of whether it's ok to say mean things about her will change if I go re-read them?
gibson Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 (edited) Do you mean the ones she has posted over the years under this user name and previous ones? And you think my opinion of whether it's ok to say mean things about her will change if I go re-read them? feelsgoodman is one of those pu55ified men that hands all his freewill and power over to a women. Since he takes no responsibility for how he lets people treat him... He has taken on the approach and attitude to "fix" every women from <fill in the black>, even though the warning signs and red flags are clear as day. If I just met Eternal Sunshine and she told me that she just got out of a LTR, didn't want a relationship and wasn't looking for a ONS (which is exactly what she did within 5 minutes of meeting the guy)... I don't need her to connect the dots and color it in for me. I know she is on the rebound and not someone I would date or pursue a relationship with. feelsgoodman would ignore what she just told him, overlook all the warning signs and flags, pursue a relationship and when that blew up in his face... Think he is a victim, Blame Eternal for lying to him even though she didn't. Edited April 24, 2012 by gibson
A O Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 Calling her insecure and emotionally unstable isn't fair It isn't fair but it is accurate. Fairness has little to do with this. Your statement about her "infecting others with her misery" is just a cheap low blow, and it probably has a lot more to do with your state of mind than hers. Again, his statement is accurate. It isn't diplomatic, it isn't a particularly nice thing to say but it is accurate. There are a lot of conflicted people out there who unfortunately inflict their angst onto others. In this case we have a person who either feels too much or feels nothing at all. Neither state of mind is ideal for establishing meaningful relationships. They are both still well out of kilter as this mess and the countless dating/relationship messes beforehand attest. Instead he showed he has a fair amount of insecurity himself.He may well be insecure himself. Maybe. But better to debate the point rather than the motive for suggesting as much. I stand behind what I've been saying in this thread. I think the rain excuse is so petty, that she devalued him as a person. That is at the core of what I've been trying to say in this thread. Agree with a good deal of your views here. Well done for sticking to your guns. The simple fact is that this excuse is just the latest in a long line of dating and relationship missteps that have spanned many years now and unfortunately will continue on for many more years to come as long as enough people continue to support the decisions she makes. .
TheBigQuestion Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 Calling her insecure and emotionally unstable isn't fair. She didn't want to go on the date, so she let him know. Your statement about her "infecting others with her misery" is just a cheap low blow, and it probably has a lot more to do with your state of mind than hers. I've never considered ES a vindictive person like that, even if she doesn't always run her relationships as well as she could. The guy could have been a sport about it and tried to convince her to come out anyway, even to pick her up, and then showed her they can have a good time together. She could have ended the night laughing and glad he convinced her to go and looking forward to next time. Instead he showed he has a fair amount of insecurity himself. It IS fair to call ES those things because she has admitted to being such on this board numerous times. She's done relatively little to solve those issues and she has definitely done things in the past that indicate a complete disregard for the time and emotions of the men she dates. I agree she isn't "vindictive," but her uncontrollable emotions have absolutely led to her behaving in some extremely inconsiderate and hurtful ways. I don't really see so much of that happening in this thread, but like I've been saying on LS a lot recently, posters do not have the luxury of escaping their posting histories here, ESPECIALLY if they've done precious little to address the root causes of your more questionable behaviors.
reallyhotguy Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 It IS fair to call ES those things because she has admitted to being such on this board numerous times. She's done relatively little to solve those issues and she has definitely done things in the past that indicate a complete disregard for the time and emotions of the men she dates. I agree she isn't "vindictive," but her uncontrollable emotions have absolutely led to her behaving in some extremely inconsiderate and hurtful ways. I don't really see so much of that happening in this thread, but like I've been saying on LS a lot recently, posters do not have the luxury of escaping their posting histories here, ESPECIALLY if they've done precious little to address the root causes of your more questionable behaviors. On the other hand, ES has a history of being browbeaten on these forums, so in a way, posters other than ES are not exempted from being cautious and considerate -- or even kind -- with their inferences of her behavior. It's only fair, no? 2
Imajerk17 Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 (edited) I agree with HOAL. I can only imagine the grief a guy would get if he cancelled a date due to "bad weather". I also disagree with the "it's OK for her to flake without good reason because she's really only a stranger to him" mentality. Since when did THAT become a legitimate reason for bad manners? I expect my doctor, dentist, and barber to not flake on me not because they know me so well, but because I set aside my time for them and my time is valuable. And the same thing holds in reverse--I don't cancel or reschedule on a whim not for the reason that we are only **** buddies, acquaintances, near strangers, whatever. I instead keep my appointments because they set aside time for me and I respect that. Edited April 25, 2012 by Imajerk17
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted April 25, 2012 Author Posted April 25, 2012 OK guys, let's not get into my past issues and emotional instability. Everything has been talked about to death already and I AM trying to make some changes. The issue at the start of this thread has been resolved. 1
Imajerk17 Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 True and I agree, ES. The topic in and of itself of rescheduling dates is of interest though. Both of my posts have kept to that.
TheBigQuestion Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 On the other hand, ES has a history of being browbeaten on these forums, so in a way, posters other than ES are not exempted from being cautious and considerate -- or even kind -- with their inferences of her behavior. It's only fair, no? ES being "browbeaten" to whatever extent is largely something she has brought upon herself. How, you ask? By repeating the same mistakes over and over again, by continuously asking for the advice and sympathy of the posters here only to ignore it entirely, by demonstrating that aforementioned disregard for the men she has dated, and so forth. If this thread is one that indicates she's continuing in her same ol' merry ways, why should anyone handle her with kid gloves?
TheBigQuestion Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 I agree with HOAL. I can only imagine the grief a guy would get if he cancelled a date due to "bad weather". I also disagree with the "it's OK for her to flake without good reason because she's really only a stranger to him" mentality. Since when did THAT become a legitimate reason for bad manners? I expect my doctor, dentist, and barber to not flake on me not because they know me so well, but because I set aside my time for them and my time is valuable. And the same thing holds in reverse--I don't cancel or reschedule on a whim not for the reason that we are only **** buddies, acquaintances, near strangers, whatever. I instead keep my appointments because they set aside time for me and I respect that. I agree. It's hilarious just how differently a male poster would be treated for creating a thread with an identical topic. I've been reading this board long enough to go that most people would not be sympathizing with the OP's decision if OP was a guy. You can accuse this of making the thread go "off-topic," but last I checked, there isn't a separate section of LS where you can discuss the blatant hypocrisy demonstrated by some posters.
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