Canceled the date due to bad weather

[goldengirl11]

I feel your date was being rather unreasonable as you suggested the next day or two instead.

Edited April 24, 2012 by goldengirl11

[zengirl]

You actually suggested an alternate time, which demonstrated you were not playing games but truly did not want to go out in the rain.

 

I've never cancelled an early date for weather, personally, but I don't see it that odd. Maybe if it's drizzling, but if we're talking full-on storming, it's much safer not to be out driving in it and there's no use getting ready (hair, makeup, clothes) to get soaked. I've cancelled plans with actual BFs (for instance, going over to his house on a Sat. instead of Fri. night as originally planned) because of really bad storms that impeded my ability to get there. Safety, first.

 

I know some people get all bent out of shape about early cancellations or postponements. I don't really get the use. If another date is offered and a reason given, I would assume it was sincere, and move on. Sending a nasty message was immature of him.

[Emilia]

I know some people get all bent out of shape about early cancellations or postponements. I don't really get the use. If another date is offered and a reason given, I would assume it was sincere, and move on. Sending a nasty message was immature of him.

 

I don't think 'forget it then' or similar is a nasty message.

 

I think when people cancel on the day or last minute (though not sure what time the OP cancelled) you need to have a better reason than bad weather. I don't think hurricane was implied anywhere. I think you want to believe that the person you are dating won't keep doing this and there is no way of knowing that until you are more familiar.

[snug.bunny]

I am just not terribly interested, in him or dating in general. I am trying to push myself into it because when I was like that last time, it took me 4 years to start dating again. I feel dead inside and I don't like feeling like this at all.

 

If this is how you feel, it's probably for the best that you not date anyone at the moment. Or, keep it limited to one casual date.

 

This is in your best interest, and theirs. I would not be able to date someone, let alone want to date, if I felt "dead" inside. I felt that way once, tried to give myself the "pep talk" to just go out and do it, but, I never followed through with it at the time because it would have been a waste of time.

 

Think about and reflect on the times when you met someone you were interested in, what frame of mind were you in at that time? Try to get back to "that place", if you can. Good luck.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Ohhhh is that your bunny in the avatar?

 

I have a soft spot for bunnies

[zengirl]

I don't think 'forget it then' or similar is a nasty message.

 

I think when people cancel on the day or last minute (though not sure what time the OP cancelled) you need to have a better reason than bad weather. I don't think hurricane was implied anywhere. I think you want to believe that the person you are dating won't keep doing this and there is no way of knowing that until you are more familiar.

 

Of course, it's fine to say you're not interested in dating under that conditions (that's as much his right as it is her right to reschedule), but "forget it then" is a nasty way to say that, IMO. I can think of nastier ones, certainly, but that text lacks basic courtesy. Her desire to reschedule does not necessarily break courtesy unless they had plans for a specific event that they'd gotten tickets for or something.

[Emilia]

Of course, it's fine to say you're not interested in dating under that conditions (that's as much his right as it is her right to reschedule), but "forget it then" is a nasty way to say that, IMO. I can think of nastier ones, certainly, but that text lacks basic courtesy. Her desire to reschedule does not necessarily break courtesy unless they had plans for a specific event that they'd gotten tickets for or something.

 

I suppose this is where we have to agree to disagree. She may not have been verbally explicit unlike the guy but to me her action was equally as rude as his words.

[gibson]

Ahhh... I see Heart of a Lion still thinks everyone else is responsible for how we let others threat us.

 

I pulled what I share below from a thread I created about the current situation with Eternal Sunshine and the guy she is / was dating as an example. See Below:

 

Really? HOPE alone is your strategy, approach and plan for Dating / Relationships?

 

Note: Heart of a Lion, is implying that the guy in this story is walking into this situation without having a say in the matter and should he become a "victim", the women in this case, is solely responsible.

 

Originally Posted by Heart Of A Lion

You're misinterpreting what I have been saying. He said he was open to a relationship. Yet she only intends to f*ck him. The thing I've been pointing out has been for her to be clear to him about that she only wants sex and to do it beforehand, rather than AFTER.

 

What f*cking problem do you see with that?

 

Things like these are only simple when people are open and transparent to each other.

 

What planet do you live on?

 

Here on earth people don't walk around with signs on them that tell you what they are thinking, feeling, wanting, doing, etc. Even if they did... People grow, change, mature, so do their feelings, what they want, what they need, etc.

 

Since people here on earth have absolutely no control what someone else is going to say, think, do, etc. it's imperative and essential for your overall health and well-being to not hand over all your power and give someone else control over your life. Instead, I recommend that when it comes to making decisions in your life that you use your free will, life experience, experiences of others, deductive reasoning skills, knowledge, wisdom, etc. to determine what is in your best interests and hold yourself responsible / accountable for our actions and the choices we make.

 

Since I am in charge of my own happiness, since I hold myself responsible / accountable for how I allow others to treat me and using my talents, skills, abilities, wisdom and leveraging lessons I have learned through good and bad life experiences...

 

I have determined several things when it comes to someone you just met, are dating or in a relationship with:

 

1. I don't hand over my free will or relinquish my control over what I want, what I need and my decision making ability to someone else.

 

2. I don't get my self-worth, validation, approval, identity, self-respect, etc. from someone else. Mine all come comes from within.

 

3. I don't confuse dating / relationships with marriage. Dating / relationships is a "courting" period, not till death due you part.

 

4. People have their own goals, purpose and agenda and they may not be the same as mine. Also, people are not always aware or honest with themselves to know what those are.

 

5. Words can be misleading and often are, actions cannot lie.

 

6. I do not assume or project ANYTHING onto the person I am dating or in a relationship with.

 

7. People change and so do their feelings.

 

8. There are a lot of unhealthy and damaged people out there.

 

9. Sex doesn't mean they want me, like me, love me, want to date me, want a relationship, what to marry me and they can even do it if they hate me.

 

10. Not everyone is looking for a "forever" relationship / marriage. People often date / enter into relationships for just that, fun. There is nothing wrong with people doing this.

 

11. When someone shows me who / what they are... I believe them.

 

12. I am not "Captain Fix a Ho" and I don't date or enter into relationships with "fixer uppers".

 

13. If after dating a while, they are not 100% sure they want to be with me... I do not / am not going to be with them.

 

14. I don't beg, plead, convince, negotiate, threaten, manipulate, etc. someone to be / want to be with me.

 

15. I am me. They either liked me or they don't.

 

16. If someone does not know who they are or what they want... I do not pursue them, date them, enter into a relationship with them, marry them.

 

17. It's very easy and I am quick to determine if the person I just met / am dating is a person who has character, integrity, morals, values, etc. If they do not possess / have those, they are history.

 

18. If someone really wants to be with you, they will not hesitate and will gladly remove / address any of the obstacles that might be in the way.

 

19. If it's just starting out and I run into a lot challenges, obstacles, issues, drama, chaos, games, etc.... I end it.

 

20. If someone is in a relationship, just got out of a relationship or hung up on an Ex... I do not date them.

 

21. If someone has to explain and clarify their relationship(s) as "just" friends or "good" friends with someone of the opposite sex or with an Ex, I don't date them. What they mean is, they are "just" friends / "good" friends with that person for the moment. I only have friends and I expect the person I choose to date / be in a relationship to have the same.

 

22. I could go on and on and on.

 

It's not that complicated people it should go like this:

 

Boy meets girl, boy ask girl out, girl says yes, boy keeps asking girl out, girl keeps saying yes, boy and girl fall in love, boy and girl ride off into the sunset.

 

I don't understand how a majority of the LS community can screw that up!

 

Originally Posted by Heart Of A Lion

If things were really as simple as you say they are, then you wouldn't be talking about your LTR's in plural form and in the past tense.

 

This is another HUGE mistake you are making and this line of thinking is wrong on so many levels!

 

Just because I don't like the answer to the question... doesn't mean that I am suppose to take it personal, think it's a reflection of me, my self worth and try to change the answer.

 

What is the question you ask?

 

"Is this the person I want / am going to spend the rest of my life with?"

 

If either of us decide to stop dating, break up or end a relationship for WHATEVER reason... We both now have the answer to that question and the answer is, NO.

 

So for me... Rejection, a break up or the end a relationship is not a failure, I view it as a success!

 

What's the alternative?

 

To deny myself or the person I was with their own happiness? To take it personal, lose all my self-respect, dignity and chase after someone who doesn't want / deserve me? To forgo all my hopes, wishes and dreams to stay with someone I shouldn't / don't want to be with?

 

How on earth could anyone view the above a success?

 

Now armed with all the above wisdom and knowledge, let's get back to what Heart of a Lion originally wrote...

 

First, let me share a little more information about what Heart of a Lion is referencing... this is directly from the women to whom he was speaking about:

 

Originally Posted by Eternal Sunshine

Anyho, I met this guy while I was at the bar waiting for drinks. We went away to talk and ended up talking for 2 hours. He is 29, works in IT, tall, dark with nicely sculpted body. I was definitely attracted...but...

 

He ended a LTR 4 months ago and we bonded over that and the fact that we both feel a bit lost. Neither of us is looking for a relationship. I told him that I am not looking for anything serious but not one night stand either. He said he feels the same. HOWEVER, it was clear that he wanted to have sex that night. He kept hinting and I kept rejecting and telling him it's not gonna happen. He asked if he can kiss me. I said no at first but then ended up kissing him . It was pretty hot and he commented on how much he enjoyed it. Still, I didn't want to go home with him.

 

It turned into a long drawn out discussion (reminded me of talks I had with my ex). He basically said that I am complicating things too much with "I don't want a relationship but not one night stand either". I thought I was being clear. He kept telling me: simplify, simplify. He asked me: OK in clear English, what do you want me to do right now. I told him: I want you to take my phone number and to call me tomorrow and ask me out on a date. He exclaimed, finally we are getting somewhere! So he took my number and then I told him I feel like I forced him into taking my number. He again said wow, so complicated.

 

Note: Eternal Sunshine just got out of a LTR also and is hung up on her Ex too. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that is why she told the guy she didn't want a relationship or was looking for a ONS. I am also willing to bet that if I spoke with her further, she would share this information.

 

Do you think there is a good chance he might not be over his Ex if it ended a few months? He felt the need to disclose that information after having just met her. Do you think that he felt the need to disclose such a thing, it might be relevant?

 

Is there a possibility that the guy is not being truthful when he said he was open to a relationship with a women he just met in a nightclub who he was trying to have sex with before a first date even?

 

According to Eternal he made it CLEAR that he wanted to have sex and was "open" to a relationship. How could he honestly know he wants a relationship with someone he just met and does not know?

 

Originally Posted by Heart Of A Lion

He said he was open to a relationship. Yet she only intends to f*ck him. The thing I've been pointing out has been for her to be clear to him about that she only wants sex and to do it beforehand, rather than AFTER.

Seriously? You are unable to connect the dots on this situation if you are the guy or the girl in this story? Do you really need the other person to connect the dots and color it in for you?

 

If you were the guy and when Eternal Sunshine TELLS YOU she doesn't want to be in a relationship and not looking for a ONS... You think she wants a relationship, marriage or she needs to have "the talk" to define the "whatever" it is they would be doing?

 

Is he suppose to HOPE that Eternal was lying when she said she didn't want a relationship? When he learns that she just got out of a LTR is he suppose to HOPE that she is over the break up and not hung up on her Ex?

 

After talking to the guy for 5 minutes she finds out he is just out of a LTR and she suppose to HOPE that he is over the break up and not hung up on his Ex? Is she suppose to HOPE and take the guy at his word about being open to relationship with someone he hadn't been on a date with and was trying to take her home and have sex that night?

 

HOPE alone is not a healthy strategy, approach, plan to dating / relationships.

 

HOPE people are easy to spot on LS. They are the "victims" that gladly give up their free will and hand over all their power and decision making ability. It frees them from any blame, responsibility or criticism even though they are the common denominator in their own problems. Typically they are the ones bashing the other gender and believe it is solely their fault for not making their HOPES come true.

 

Armed with only HOPE, you will overlook and justify anything to be with someone even if you know it is unhealthy, bad or wrong. If you haven't noticed.... It usually doesn't end very well for you either.

Edited April 24, 2012 by gibson

[Mme. Chaucer]

Switching gears a bit -

 

I don't care, personally, whether you go out with this guy or not, one way or the other does not make you "bad." It's only "game playing" if you drag it out when you know you two are definitely NOT on the same page. I think it's appropriate to date casually for fun and social reasons.

 

I'm more concerned with the "feeling dead inside." But believe it or not, I think it might be a good sign - as long as you go through this place rather than settling down there.

 

As you know, I believe that you "use" your feelings to propel you and that you give them WAY too much power. I think that having less of them for this period might be really good for your emotional health. Those feelings of yours need a rest! Seriously!

 

Plus you are very intelligent and it would be wise to allow your intellect into the mix of what propels you, which you haven't done where guys are concerned as far as I know.

 

From your recent posts here, I get the impression that your "higher brain" is getting some semblance of power where love and romance are concerned. Could this be the case, or am I just making up stories?

 

I believe that after some time passes, you will reawaken and I hope that when you do, it will be in an emotionally mature and measured way.

 

The feelings of love and passion, and everything else, can be deep and intense without being Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

[Star Gazer]

I take it more seriously than him at this point, because ES managed to take him for a fool, while I refuse to play along. I have no investment in this, he does, so he's letting it slip to maintain good relations.

 

THIS GUY is not at all invested, HOAL. He's not some smitten kitten. He's a guy looking for an easy lay, and ES is making it too complicated. Perhaps I find the particular guy in any particular fact pattern relevant, and you don't. But this guy isn't upset about this. Clearly. You are. Why?

 

Everyone might be thinking at this point that I'm following this line of thought because it's ES, but I thought the exact same thing when a woman canceled a date on a guy and used "have to do some vacuum cleaning today" as an excuse. And I told the guy that was on the receiving end of that, pretty much the same things that I've been saying in this thread.

 

"I have to wash my hair" is an old excuse too. But men took it with a lot more class than you are in this thread. Again, why?

 

It's not her reason of why she canceled the date that ticks me off. It's the excuse she told him with which she devalued him.

 

It's one thing to cancel a date because you want to watch The Bachelor, it's another thing to tell your date: "I know we have a date tonight, but The Bachelor is on."

 

Think about how hearing that makes someone feel. You can replace "The Bachelor" with "rain" or "vacuum cleaning".

 

Eh, that's fair. No matter the reason I didn't want to go, I wouldn't tell them I was choosing The Bachelor over the date. But that wasn't to not "devalue" him, but to make sure that our rescheduled date would actually go forward.

 

BUT... ES's OP doesn't say she actually TOLD him she wanted to reschedule due to bad weather. She says that was her reason, and that she texted him to reschedule to another day. Nowhere does she say she told him her reason.

 

I just refused to play along with that. I don't feel like being taken for a fool today.

 

Why are you making it out to be that ES is trying to play ANYONE on LS for a fool? I find that really bizarre. You're taking what she did personally. Why?

[johan]

 

I'm more concerned with the "feeling dead inside." But believe it or not, I think it might be a good sign - as long as you go through this place rather than settling down there.

 

 

This is a really good point. At least to me, because I think I settled down there. It's easy to do after you've been through enough painful breakups. The cynicism you wish you didn't have can cause even good opportunities to go off track, and those negative experiences add more cynicism and self-doubt, digging the hole deeper. It's not hard to stay there. You can make it a comfortable place.

 

Other than being as straightforward with this guy as you can, I don't see a need to take particular care that you don't disappoint him. People will say, "if you aren't in the state of mind to be dating, then don't date." They don't realize that that's the hard part: actually knowing your own state of mind. You have days when you feel optimistic, and it makes you wonder if you're ready. And you know if the "right person" came along, your state of mind would adjust right away. So you try, but you find that really nothing has changed. Ambivalence is still lurking right around every corner. It makes you a flake, whether you want to be or not.

[Scottdmw]

I don't think it's a valid excuse.

 

In the past I've tried to be understanding when women make excuses like this, but in my experience 90% of the time if a woman does this once she actually will never meet you, no matter how understanding or nice you are. What ends up happening is more "problems" come up, dates keep getting rescheduled, and every time it happens I lose the opportunity to make other plans for the night.

 

Canceling the day of for an avoidable reason is not exactly standing someone up, but it is nearly as bad in my opinion because it doesn't respect the other person's time and planning. We all have busy schedules and it's not always easy to find another time.

 

People are of course free to do whatever they want. But, if a woman uses an excuse like this with me, my usual response is to say no thank you to a rescheduled date. The small likelihood of success at that point is not worth the time.

 

Scott

[betterdeal]

Actually, I will take whimsical as a compliment

 

Excellent!

 

I accomplished a lot in my life by pushing through my fears. I wouldn't be where I am today (mainly in my career but in other areas as well) if I didn't push through an instinctive feeling of "uncomfortableness". Being "safe" and "comfortable" is not always a good thing.

 

Oh, for sure. No pain, no gain. It's all about taking it to your edge, and where that is changes from day to day. Same for everyone.

 

The trouble here is to distinguish when I should legitimately push myself and when I should just listen to my subconscious and simply don't do it...

 

I think you are getting much better at it

 

I agree with Mme. Chaucer apropos your mastery of your emotions, which is what I see is improving, and what will bear the most fruit for you (as it has me). This quiet, reflective period in your life may well be one of huge growth for you. Connecting the dots - having mind, body and soul working more in unison instead of contradiction - is the key to a long, happy, meaningful life, and you sound ready to reach that level.

[snug.bunny]

Ohhhh is that your bunny in the avatar?

 

I have a soft spot for bunnies

 

Noooo, I cropped it into the photo as a theme for Easter.

 

I like bunnies too, unfortunately, they poop too much.

[Black Jack]

I wouldnt bother with a chick who flaked on me because of rain either. Women have been known to use lame excuses like that so they dont have to chill with someone...so why in the world would I assume a girl was into me at all if she used that excuse?

 

Ive learned not to give wishy washy girls the time of day. And if they want to make assumptions about my interest, I say let them. I have no interest in someone who has little interest in me.

 

I agree. Bad weather is such a bs excuse. She just said earlier in the thread she wasn't really interested in him anyway so why fret because he said forget it?

[LZ2000]

I assume that the OP does have a reasonable amount of money to at least take a taxi to meet with his boyfriend for dinner (and to go back home?). But that is just my assumption.

[truth_seeker]

I did.

 

I's raining and cold and wind nearly broke my umbrella. I texted the "simplify" guy to better move the dinner to another time, like tomorrow or the day after.

 

He responded "forget it"

 

Is bad weather not a valid reason or something?

 

To text him you were canceling because of bad weather was weak and I can see why he thought you were full of ****.

 

You should have called him and, if you were really interested in seeing him, try to work around the bad weather, ie, do something else. Have him come to you.

[truth_seeker]

She just said earlier in the thread she wasn't really interested in him anyway so why fret because he said forget it?

 

Why fret? He turned the tables on her. Instead of her being in control, by him saying "forget it" and walking away, she couldn't handle it.

 

It's so alarmingly funny with women: give them attention they get bored; walk away and be distant, they obsess about you and want you.

[Black Jack]

Why fret? He turned the tables on her. Instead of her being in control, by him saying "forget it" and walking away, she couldn't handle it.

 

It's so alarmingly funny with women: give them attention they get bored; walk away and be distant, they obsess about you and want you.

 

Yes I know. It was a rhetorical question.

 

Those type of women who want the mysterious bad boy they know nothing about have unreasonable expectations.

[Star Gazer]

ES: Rather than allow everyone to assume that you TOLD him you wanted to reschedule because of bad weather (which is NOT stated in the OP), can you confirm what you told him when you asked to reschedule?

[mtber75]

Crappy weather is known to effect one's mood so yeah its a valid reason...What's not cool is canceling on a short notice especially via text (that's just an easy way out).

 

He should of taken a man pill and just be cool about it though!

[gibson]

Good Grief!

 

No wonder a majority of guys on here can't buy a date!

 

She canceled the date and she offered to reschedule. There is NOTHING wrong with that. How on earth can I guy get pissed or upset about that?

 

You do know that you don't own, control and possess the person you are dating, in a relationship with or married too... Right?

 

I can't believe the pu55ified men on here are suggesting that ES and this guy she just met already have "the talk"! I have NEVER had to have "the talk" with any of the women I was in LTRs with. It just happens in a normal and natural way. One day the two of you look at each other and say "Oh... Guess we are together", laugh and go about your day. You don't try and bargain, manipulate, plead, beg, threaten, game, trick, guilt, etc. someone into wanting to be with you... That's disturbing!

 

People in my life have all the time, space and freedom to be themselves, be happy and do what is best for them.

 

Fellows... Get your self-worth, self-esteem, identity, validation, happiness from within... not from women.

 

If you don't do that, you are not a "healthy" person and you end up...

 

Trying to hard / full court press / all or nothing / if I can't have you nobody else can / smother you / you need my permission / you are my everything / etc. approach and attitude to dating, relationships, courting and marriage.

Edited April 24, 2012 by gibson

[truth_seeker]

Good Grief!

 

No wonder a majority of guys on here can't buy a date!

 

She canceled the date and she offered to reschedule. There is NOTHING wrong with that. How on earth can I guy get pissed or upset about that?

 

You do know that you don't own, control and possess the person you are dating, in a relationship with or married too... Right?

 

I can't believe the pu55ified men on here are suggesting that ES and this guy she just met already have "the talk"! I have NEVER had to have "the talk" with any of the women I was in LTRs with. It just happens in a normal and natural way. One day the two of you look at each other and say "Oh... Guess we are together", laugh and go about your day. You don't try and bargain, manipulate, plead, beg, threaten, game, trick, guilt, etc. someone into wanting to be with you... That's disturbing!

 

People in my life have all the time, space and freedom to be themselves, be happy and do what is best for them.

 

Fellows... Get your self-worth, self-esteem, identity, validation, happiness from within... not from women.

 

If you don't do that, you are not a "healthy" person and you end up...

 

Trying to hard / full court press / all or nothing / if I can't have you nobody else can / smother you / you need my permission / you are my everything / etc. approach and attitude to dating, relationships, courting and marriage.

 

Nothing wrong with her wanting to reschedule, it's the way she went about it.

[Ursa]

In an ideal world, a lover should want to climb mountains and risk dragons to bask in the golden rays of your smile. However, this is an unrealistic expectation--particularly on a first date, after one single ambivalent meeting.

 

I don't find the bad weather excuse to be weak BS, personally, in and of itself. For one thing, it sounds like ES is talking about a real rainstorm, not some fog or drizzle, but umbrellas turning inside out. In many areas I have lived in, this would mean sheeting torrents of rain, broken branches in the street, poor visibility, dangerous driving conditions. I'm a tense driver on a clear day, and I have canceled dates and non-emergency appointments due to weather like that before and I can guarantee that I'll do it again.

 

In my opinion, she did commit a faux pas by texting to reschedule rather than using the phone and expressing herself more clearly. This is a trap she seems to fall into repeatedly and I wish she would learn to approach communication differently and take more responsibility for her end of it.

 

I can't say that I'm overwhelmed with positive feelings for this guy just going by her last thread about how she met him, and she obviously isn't either. Having run across my fair share of guys who've used similar lines in nightclubs, I suspect he's not really sitting around crying into his beer over his broken heart, though I'm willing to concede he could be a victim of stereoptyping. Anyway, I'm not sure that's the issue, anymore. Since she's dug a little deeper and now is describing herself as feeling 'dead inside' and doesn't seem to have any real interest in this guy, I think she should apologize and cancel the reschdule, explain to him that she needs a little more alone time than she'd realized--and then she should seek that counseling that everyone's been advocating for years. That's not a slam at you, ES, I do think that you experienced some personal growth in your last relationship and you should feel some accomplishment there--however, there is still room to grow and you seem to be feeling some time pressure. Why not accept some real guidance on your inner journey?

[threebyfate]

ES thrives on passion. This guy didn't provide.