emby Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 Just a story I thought I'd share with some of you in case it is helpful/something to think about. My 26 year old sister was with her 36 year old boyfriend for 2 years and they lived together for pretty much that whole time, firstly in his flat and then in the flat they rented together. I don't know THAT much about the relationship because I didn't live with them, but they seemed happy enough, he spent Christmases with us, they bought a cat together, started working at the same place together and things were mostly good. He did say that he never wanted to get married or have children though, which are things my sister has always wanted but usually said she was willing to sacrifice them for him. However, he broke up with her in the first week of February and said that he didn't love her anymore. She was devastated. From what I know, he moved out of their flat and didn't speak to her for 3 or 4 weeks whatsoever. I think she tried contact but he ignored. She came home for a while to try and heal and then moved back into the flat with her friend. She didn't have anything to do with her ex apart from contact about the flat or work. He did drive her to work a few times which I thought was weird. Then he started asking her to sleep with him. At first she refused obviously, but then she relented and they started to spend a few nights a week together. I thought she was being stupid to sleep with him with zero commitment. He told her that he wanted to take things slow with a view to possibly getting back together...but he rarely saw her and didn't text her often or ask to meet up. She was mostly doing the chasing. She confronted him a few times and he snapped back at her saying that if she pressured him, she wouldn't like the outcome. So he had her on a string. He did tell her that actually he did love her, but didn't know what he wanted. So about 5 weeks ago when this is going on, she meets this new guy who she really likes and who is into her. Starts meeting up with him and her friends and getting to know him. In the meantime, she sees pictures of a girl her and her ex work with, in his bedroom, and rumors circulate that they are seeing each other. She feels so glad to have 'new guy' around because otherwise having to see her ex and this new girlfriend around work would be horrible. At work, her ex ignores her. (It later turns out that new girl was sleeping with him at the most but not serious). Fast forward to this week and she takes 'new guy' to work with her, who is now her boyfriend. Ex sees her holding hands with him and reportedly kicks a bin when she's not looking. Still doesn't talk to her that night. The next day...he is upset, says he's made a terrible mistake and it was horrible to see her with another man, that he wants to MARRY her and have children with her. Today he met up with her and actually got down on one knee and proposed (ringless), saying he would buy a ring tomorrow morning. So my sister is now in a ****ty situation where she has to choose between her ex who has hurt her in the past but she still has feelings for, and this new guy who so far has been good to her. It seems quite obvious to us at to what to do but I'm sure it isn't so easy for her. My parents seem to think that maybe he genuinely has changed and seeing her with someone else made him realise how much he does love her. But I think he wouldn't hold up on his promises of marriage and kids and the reconciliation wouldn't last long (future faker much?). My sis hasn't given her ex an answer and 'new guy' has no idea any of this has gone on. What would your advice be to my sister? (In the mean time I am 5 weeks post breakup and my ex is giving me the silent treatment despite the fact we're back at uni (when he said we could talk again) and he still has my belongings. I refuse to contact first since he's been ignoring me the last 2 weeks).
Tiera D Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 ur sister should try the new guy,no offence but the ex is making empty promises,he knows his grip on ur sister is slipping and hes trying to keep ur sister as a backup plan (the have cake n eat cake scenario)..this ex needs lots growing up to do while concerning u,im worried the situation is slightly similar to ur sister,continue NC or get a new guy and i can bet ur ex most probably will do the same thing like ur sisters ex TD
Tiera D Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 another point i noticed that ur sisters ex did not even get a ring immediately and he is trying to show that he is sincere?he did not even come prepared,such a lame guy..it clearly shows he is not remorseful at all,and all the begging is equivalent to him behaving like a baby crying hoping to get his toy back..consider this. TD
Author emby Posted April 24, 2012 Author Posted April 24, 2012 ur sister should try the new guy,no offence but the ex is making empty promises,he knows his grip on ur sister is slipping and hes trying to keep ur sister as a backup plan (the have cake n eat cake scenario)..this ex needs lots growing up to do while concerning u,im worried the situation is slightly similar to ur sister,continue NC or get a new guy and i can bet ur ex most probably will do the same thing like ur sisters ex TD another point i noticed that ur sisters ex did not even get a ring immediately and he is trying to show that he is sincere?he did not even come prepared,such a lame guy..it clearly shows he is not remorseful at all,and all the begging is equivalent to him behaving like a baby crying hoping to get his toy back..consider this. TD Haha I agree with you completely TD. My sister thought it was pretty desperate of him to propose in the middle of the park without a ring. Yet obviously there are still feelings there and a history and a hope that maybe he has changed for real. I once had an ex that cheated on me, dumped me over facebook, blanked me, started using me for sex and generally was a complete so-and-so. When I showed him the door and moved on, he didn't seem to care. After a while I got back with my ex from before him and the night he found out, he called me crying, begging for me back and threatening to set himself on fire if I said no, LOL. He also said that my boyfriend had been cheating on me in the past (complete rubbish). Suffice to say I put the phone down on him and he's now engaged to his horse-faced rebound girl! This makes me think that even someone who can treat you terribly and doesn't care for you at all- when they see you with someone else and/or clearly moved on and happy without you, they panic and go into desperation mode trying to get you back. But you have to remember who they are and what they did to you. As for my ex...even though I am NC he probably feels like he's initiated that and he has all the power. No doubt he knows I still want him back due to our last phone conversation. So yes, his behaviour will probably change if/when he sees me moved on and/or with someone else. I know he would absolutely HATE to see me kiss someone else for example. But at the moment I don't feel like I could possibly go near anyone else, the idea scares me, and I can't pretend to be moved on when I'm not apart from being in NC.
Author emby Posted April 24, 2012 Author Posted April 24, 2012 Oh and I might add... I don't understand how my sister could have started things with someone new when she wasn't over her ex. She would be all happy and excited about this guy one moment and upset about something her ex was doing the next. I told her that if she was over him, she wouldn't care about what he was doing, and if she isn't over him, she shouldn't be dating. Ah I sound so mean I love her, I really do, I understand what she's going through and it can't be easy.
Tiera D Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 when exes try to win u back desperately its the same theory about wanting something u cannot have.some bad people thrive on thrills of a challenge once the thrill is gone the person starts to get bored n check his other "options",or even lame reasons to prove that he still can bind u to his will. While ur sister probably is rebounding?i have realized although its mean the only way to not get hurt too badly during breakup is to do the basic obligations in the relationship but dont over do it.because 1st u wont get hurt that much,secondly ur partner always has the thrill that theres something he still doesnt know abt u and it adds the challenge in relationships TD
Recommended Posts