confusedandconfused Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 To cut a long story short: based on her reactions to anything datelike that I suggested ("too busy", bringing other friends along, etc) on many many occasions, I would say I was friendzoned. We still hung out quite a bit (nothing close of course) although I tried to go for periods without contacting her. I've recently attempted to cut her out again by not contacting her, etc., and I think this time she realizes that I am actually cutting her out. Her last email seems to acknowledge this. I sensed some finality and sadness in her email. The dilemma: I feel tremendously guilty at cutting her out without providing an explanation to her. The fact is I still care deeply for her, but I still realize that nothing will happen between us. The thought of hurting her is really gut wrenching. The question: Is my "guilt" just a subconscious way of justifying contacting her again? Or should I actually talk her through what led to my cutting her out?
jobaba Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 To cut a long story short: based on her reactions to anything datelike that I suggested ("too busy", bringing other friends along, etc) on many many occasions, I would say I was friendzoned. We still hung out quite a bit (nothing close of course) although I tried to go for periods without contacting her. I've recently attempted to cut her out again by not contacting her, etc., and I think this time she realizes that I am actually cutting her out. Her last email seems to acknowledge this. I sensed some finality and sadness in her email. The dilemma: I feel tremendously guilty at cutting her out without providing an explanation to her. The fact is I still care deeply for her, but I still realize that nothing will happen between us. The thought of hurting her is really gut wrenching. The question: Is my "guilt" just a subconscious way of justifying contacting her again? Or should I actually talk her through what led to my cutting her out? As someone who has been there before multiple times... Your guilt I'd say is a combination of ... 1) You being a nice guy and respecting her as a person and truly wanting her as a friend. 2) Your heart telling you still have a chance with her. I have not had a problem staying friends with women who rejected me and even ex-girlfriends as long as they RESPECTED me. After all, feelings fade. I think if she's a good girl, and you guys are truly friends, and you think you can handle it, continue to keep in touch. But make sure that's the case. Sometimes your emotions make you see things that are not there. I fell for a woman and after she rejected me, I still thought highly of her and so asked her to remain friends. Turns out she really didn't care about me as a person. She never contacted me, but freely contacted other guys that we mutually knew. She was also dating somebody else like a month after. Ouch. Make sure that's not you. Oh ... also. If you really want to gauge how much she respects you, don't contact her and wait to contact you. If she respects you as a friend, she WILL contact you. 1
TheFinalWord Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 Oh ... also. If you really want to gauge how much she respects you, don't contact her and wait to contact you. If she respects you as a friend, she WILL contact you. I really agree with this last point 100%. Relationships are two ways: whether it's platonic or romantic. If you're doing all of the initiating and she is doing none or little, that is a good indication of the value she places on your "friendship". It sounds like she knows that you like her and she strings you along from time to time. What does "finality and sadness" mean? Whatever the case, at some point you have to take your life back, which means putting your emotional health first. If you do want to explain to her, I would do it in person. Look her in the eye and just say, "hey I am not trying to make you feel guilty, but I have feelings for you. This back and forth is not healthy for me anymore". You have to finalize it. I don't know this woman at all, but a lot of women think stringing a man that likes them along is harmless, but it isn't. It can really wreak havoc on your emotions. If you think you can eventually lose your romantic interest in her and only see her as a friend, then just explain you need some time of no contact. If she is a friend she will understand that. If not, then you have your answer and can move on with your life. In my own life I have found the only way to get over unrequited love is to just treat it like any other break up. No contact, no artifacts, no Facebook...out of sight out of mind. It's the only way unfortunately.
Feelsgoodman Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 The dilemma: I feel tremendously guilty at cutting her out without providing an explanation to her. The fact is I still care deeply for her, but I still realize that nothing will happen between us. The thought of hurting her is really gut wrenching. I doubt she felt guilty about rejecting you, so why should you feel guilty about ceasing contact? You don't owe her your friendship and you certainly don't owe her the attention and validation (a.k.a. a female's emotional crack) that she gets when you "hang out". Just because she's a female doesn't mean you have to be extra nice to her.
joystickd Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 Don't feel guilty. Sometimes you have to be coldblooded. My rule is if she wants to be friends with me then she is dead to me. You got to act like she is dead and move on.
dispatch3d Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 No, you shouldn't talk about why you cut her out. That would be counter intuitive to anything positive lol. What you should have did was not reply to an email or something of that nature so you didn't have to write the stupid "I'm cutting you out" email. Now that you've botched being compeltely ambigiuous with the faux break-up, don't go messing it up by making it very clear and well defined. Leave it alone, stop trying to hook up with her, if she likes you she has your number or can contact you.
Author confusedandconfused Posted April 24, 2012 Author Posted April 24, 2012 Thank you to everyone. I think the consensus view is that I should not explain anything, and that is the approach I will take. I still feel bad about it for some reason, but this time I'm going to go on objective (albeit from strangers) advice, which may actually be better than relying on my warped emotions . . .
Andy_K Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 If she asks or seems like she wants to know your reasons for dropping contact, common courtesy & respect would be to tell her. Otherwise, there's no particular reason to come out and say it unprompted.
Author confusedandconfused Posted April 24, 2012 Author Posted April 24, 2012 That seems like a wise approach: to be courteous if asked but not being needy and weak by volunteering.
irc333 Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 Funny, had a post about a woman that got upset with me a bit for dropping her from FB, we spent time together once at a bonfire event.....but after that she was non-responsive to her emails on FB...so I dropped her as a friend from there A MONTH later, she noticed...and sent me an email kind of shaming me into thinking that "there's something wrong with me, if I can't be a friend to a woman....and she's had plenty of guy friends she put in the FZ that had no problem remaining friends with her aftere that happened" I simply dropped contact from her, because she stopped responding, but hey....SHE said it, I didn't. LOL But yeah, I was attracted to her.....so it's kinda moot I suppose? But, even FRIENDS shouldn't be non-responsive either. So she wasn't even doing something a FRIEND would even do. Though, you cAN say you cannot even DATE someone if they can't do anything respectful that a FRIEND should be doing.
Recommended Posts