wierdmunky Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 I have always been shy, and a couple days ago I was in a friend's wedding whom I'm known since 7. All the bridesmaids had to do a dance in the exit walk with their partner instead of a traditional walk when we were all leaving the ceremony, and then a dance for when they introduce the wedding party in the reception. We decided to do John Travolta, but even after a few glasses of champagne, I was not loose at all. I had a good time when I thought about it AFTER, but my husband (who is in the audience) said I looked SO SO nervous ! I was, but I was doing it for my friend so whatever at least I did something. Anyways, I have a hard time meeting people, remembering their names, and think that I'm not having a real conversation because I get so worried about, what they'll think of me, what I'm saying, and if I'm making sense, and compared to when I was younger - it's not exactly fun meeting new people anymore. I'll still put the smile on, make the eye contact, and carry on with whatever we're talking, but it feels stressful when I'm doing it. Like I'm at a job interview. I remember as a kid, or in high school, I actually got over that fear before, and was starting to enjoying company, but now if feels like I'm doing it more for the other person, and I find it harder to "let go" and laugh. I think that's the saddest part for me is I feel like I've lost that sense of humor, and feeling of genuine laughter. I haven't been here in a while, so I guess to say a little about my life is, me and my husband are BUSY. I have school 3- 8 hours from M-Th, right now I'm doing a huge project (mural) for an event, and I like to work out a lot. Before I got married, I would get around being shy with online friends, and fb... What gets me about me being shy is that I could chat with friends online for hours (before I was this busy), make jokes, and relax. I'm not sure what it is about being face to face or in a group that makes me feel so uncomfortable, and clumsy. I guess one reason why I'm asking about this is because, my husband is totally outgoing, has friends, and when I meet them, I want to have a good time, laugh, and get to know them. I don't want to just put on a perfect show. I want them to see what my husband sees in me. So, I was wondering if anyone else has gotten over that fear of being rejected. I put myself out there. I don't alienate myself, but I do feel most comfortable and relaxed alone.
january2011 Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 I find I prefer one-to-one or small group situations. Interestingly, I'm quite outspoken and yet I can also be shy depending on the situation. If it's a topic that I feel I know a lot about or I discover shared interests, it's very easy to make conversation. It helped me to realise that most people are just as nervous as I am and much of the time, people who think they come across badly are actually doing okay. A lot of the time, people are self-centred and more focused on themselves than they are on other people. Thing is, you don't have to be best buddies with everyone. However, I've found it useful to have a few standby topics and strategies for specific situations and specific groups. Find people with similar interests. Practise smiling and making smalltalk with people you come across regularly but don't really interact with - such as the checkout person at your local supermarket, your neighbours or the people you see around school. If you're a naturally shy/reserved person. It's okay. Let your husband put on the show. You can focus on the one-to-one relationships. It might be worth leveraging the what your husband has in common with his friends - after all, you get on with your husband, so it would make sense to be able to find some common ground with his friends, even if you can't agree on everything. 2
Better_Days Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 Hmm. This is sort of like how I was couple years back then. I'm not 100% sure but in my opinion, your "fear of being rejected" is not the reason why you are feeling uncomfortable when talking in person. I also don't think it's the shyness either. I think it's more of you being too used to talking online behind the monitor. If you actually have the fear of being rejected, then you should also have that when you are chatting online. However, you said that you can chat freely online that means either your fear doesn't bother you because that person can't see you (fact that you are behind the monitor) OR it isn't the fear that is affecting you when talking in person. I think shyness can apply here in same way as well. One way to get over it is to get the whole idea out of your head. You can do this by stop or reduce online chatting first. Then try to to talk to people in person. The more you face and accept it, faster you will get over it. Do you feel that fear when you are talking to your husband 1 on 1? and your best friends? or do you only feel it when you are meeting NEW people because everyone feels little uneasy when they meet new people.
setsenia Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 OP, I know how you feel. I have pretty much been shy my whole life. I met my husband at 16. Shockingly, I was actually the one who asked HIM out. Apparently he is shy too, but more social than me at times. Like he isn't as shy as me, but I make friends easier than he does, go figure. When I get to know someone, I really open up and show my humorous side.
Feelin Frisky Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 Shyness is excessive release of "fight or flight" adrenaline. People are not uniform in their chemical composures and some folks are stuck with an intensity that others can't understand or imagine. For eons people have tried to medicate it into submission with alcohol or sedatives but no doubt many have embarrassed themselves or worse, become alcoholics or dependent on sedatives. Some people try to fight the condition directly by choosing situations that put them on the spot socially--believing that shyness is a rationality that can be disproved when the sufferer sees that there's nothing to fear. This may work for some, but others suffer stage fright no matter how many shows they give. The one thing which has come along to help which really works and does not cause addiction or the embarrassment associated with drunkenness is the class of medications knows as SSRIs. I take one for a form of depression in which I get irritable easily. But low and behold after a time I realized that gone were my days of blushing and obsessing about what to say or if I should say it. Some people think all medications are "bad" and to be avoided at all costs. IMO, they are fools. You only get to live once and every social occasion is a singular opportunity to meet someone who can change the direction of your life positively forever after (or negatively but think on the bright side). I find it completely transparent and worth it to continue taking my med which is Prozac both for it anti-depressant and social anxiety reliving properties. It makes my tweaks what's out of whack with my chemical composure so that I'm closure to "normal". It gives me a foundation to work on where without it, I have no clue what to think or how to change ho I feel (without a Martini or a Xanax and those things are addictive and harmful whereas Prozac has 0ver 20 years of proof that it's harmless.) Just FYI. If your social anxiety is debilitating and you never meet anyone because of it, the is real medicine for it now that works only on it and doesn't bomb your entire body. 1
FitChick Posted April 27, 2012 Posted April 27, 2012 (edited) It sounds a bit cruel to say it but I think it's true -- shy people are very self-centered. Everything is all about them: Who is or isn't looking at me, thinking about me, talking about me, etc. Most of the time, no one cares so quit obsessing. Become interested in other people, putting them at ease, being kind to them, listening to what they have to say and asking questions. And eliminate your belief that you aren't good enough here. Edited April 27, 2012 by FitChick 1
spookie Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 Totally agree with the first part of FitChick's post. What helped me stop being shy was realizing that other people often felt uncomfortable too. As soon as I understood that, I began to assume the "leader" role in my interactions, which has made it much easier than awkwardly always looking to the other person to do all the work.
Anela Posted April 28, 2012 Posted April 28, 2012 It sounds a bit cruel to say it but I think it's true -- shy people are very self-centered. Everything is all about them: Who is or isn't looking at me, thinking about me, talking about me, etc. Most of the time, no one cares so quit obsessing. Become interested in other people, putting them at ease, being kind to them, listening to what they have to say and asking questions. And eliminate your belief that you aren't good enough here. My shyness/social anxiety started because of bullying. First from my grandmother, and a little violence from someone else, then at school - continuous bullying.
Author wierdmunky Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 Thanks for the responses. I haven't been on here for a while bc of finals, and no responses so I stopped checking. I did think the same thing about the shyness being about me, but that's why I used to do this below... "I'll still put the smile on, make the eye contact, and carry on with whatever we're talking, but it feels stressful when I'm doing it. Like I'm at a job interview. I remember as a kid, or in high school, I actually got over that fear before, and was starting to enjoying company, but now if feels like I'm doing it more for the other person, and I find it harder to "let go" and laugh. " It's not that I don't go out and meet people, it's hard to enjoy it, because of the nervousness, and I do see people regularly, it's actually easier to get a long with a lot of older people since they are less inclined to judge me. I notice a lot of younger ppl will just bad mouth you for whatever reason, even if your not doing anything that affects them. I think it's more of that. I think I've gotten bitter. That's another post, though. I do get irritated a lot by how people just seem to be more and more disrespectful and irresponsible. I was raised with different values I guess, and the way I see younger people act and talk around me sometimes does make me angry. I also had bad experiences with "outgoing" people (one was a future sister in law) so seeing how she was so "close" and yet so ruthless did a number on my ego. I would never admit it to anyone who knew us all, but she really hurt me. She was also a lot younger than me. And, to think I would lose a battle of the wits to someone who I used to place myself on the same level of.. takes a big chunk of pride, but it was a little more than just pride. It was like she would use my presence to one-up me, and then make it an example to ppl around us of how to make me a lesser person. She wasn't joking, her parents brought it up before. I'm digressing, and I don't walk around with this in my head, since I've come a long way since then, but I do go back to thinking of that. Basically digging in my past to see where it was I went wrong. About the hiding behind the monitor thing, I agree there's an element of "safety" about that, that makes it easier to get past connection barriers. One is, I'm not worried about how I look, what my race is, how my clothes and style affect the conversation. It's pure ideas. And yes, it does to a degree I think affect perception, and conversation.
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