Your wife did what?

April 23, 2012

I met MM 4 years ago. Where did all that time go?

We met at an event. I wasn't wearing my wedding ring, and he surely wasn't wearing his. He handed me his phone number. I gave it to my best friend. I wasn't all that interested. AT ALL! He was cute, just not that spark. I wasn't feeling it at all.

I went back to visit my best friend again 4 weeks later and actually happened to run into him at another event. He was very interested again and asked why I never called. He gave me his number yet AGAIN. I took a chance later and I began talking to him.

I was down visiting her. Personal items going on in his life effected things and I never did get the chance to see him again that trip, but we did get to know a lot about each other by talking and texting the entire time.

When I got home, it all continued. I'm a "need to know your story" kind of girl. The part about him apparently being single seemed too good to be true. I knew his first name; I knew who he worked for; team name. It took me about 5 minutes to find a full article on him that was written in his local newspaper and to find out that he was married. He had never mentioned THAT fact. But then again, neither had I. I suppose we were both at fault. Two sane people would have run from each other when this finally came into the open, in our case things just became more heated.

Over that spring we ended up texting and talking constantly. I had a business trip planned to another city in July and he would also be there working. He actually drove in a day early to see me. We spent two incredible nights together (the first time we had sex at this point) and I was hooked, line and sinker. It was the first time that any man other than my husband has got me to that point, and it was absolutely amazing....both nights. I had never been with such a sexual man who really wanted to make sure he got it right for me. It was never about him...still hasn't been actually. How things changed so quickly in my mind. At first he did nothing for me and by this point the chemistry was unimaginable. I had never met someone I connected with sexually like him. And to this day, it remains the same. The chemistry is unreal.

But I had it set in my head that I couldn't continue whatever we had past this trip. I wanted it to be the ONLY time I seen this man. I felt like I was in control of the situation by just leaving it there that weekend. And I did.

That lasted about a week. This was when the 'sexting' started. This man can tell a story like no other and it became addicting to say the least.

We would see each other again later. He was in my hometown. He made the trip with another team, even though he didn't have to. That was very nice. I told my husband that I was going out of town for the night and I literally only drove 15 minutes and spent the night in his hotel room. Again, didn't let me down sexually...and it was still very much about sex.

After that, I didn't see him again until the next year. That sucked. And the trip sucked. I saw him for 3 hours the whole weekend. I was pissed and at this point knew that it might have changed from being a one-night stand into sex I really needed again and again to DAMN...do I have more feelings for him? Yup, that might have been the beginning of the end.

I would see him twice more that 2nd year but the communication was constant. The second trip I hopped on a plane and flew half way across the country just to spend one night with him. As he left my bed that morning and the door closed, I cried. Things had certainly changed for me and I knew I wouldn't be seeing him again for another 6 months. I told him how I was feeling when I text him later from the airport and just flat out told him this had turned into more than sex. I told him my heart was involved and I wanted an honest answer about what he was really doing with me. It was the dumbest move ever looking back. I should have never left the “no strings attached” world.

In typical MM fashion, he avoided it for the most part and said he knew it sucked to have to be away from each other. When I baited him more about his feelings towards me, all I received was "I would tell you that if we saw each other more, I would clearly have a problem. I believe we may have some similar feelings. I try to keep it all sex but it's not always that easy."

Umm, ok. Forgot to add that around this time his wife was starting to snoop and ask questions about his cell phone bill...but he continued to contact me for a few weeks after the trip. 3 weeks later he was again off the radar during the off season. This time maybe I should have felt better about feeling used since it was not the whole season, just a month. I was just downright upset with myself for letting my heart get involved.

The rollercoaster was starting to make me sick but yet I continued on the ride. The next year could have been a repeat of the year before. We had some really wonderful, extraordinary times together but also had some awful moments and arguments when we were apart. I would see him 7 more times that year at different events or on work trips. Attitude wise, I knew the man needed some help. He was constantly excusing his behavior towards me as "I'm just an *******". I realize that his wife must think this way? Why wouldn’t she? I find out that they were separated years earlier and when I asked him about the reasoning..."cause I was an *******". I had learned how closed off he was emotionally. I had learned that he had this habit of getting really close to me and then he would completely push me away.

Later that year we spend a few days together. I had looked forward to it for the whole year. It went horribly wrong and ended in fireworks. Same place as the last November, same conversation…I had pushed him again to discuss a future, his feelings, what he was really doing with me. He shut down towards me completely. I promise to him and myself that I’m done.

Oh wait; it’s never that easy is it? I have a girls trip planned and I know he will be there. I go into the trip with the biggest “I don’t give a crap” attitude towards him. He ends up out with us. I lose all judgment and tell him I want to leave with him. He tells me “no” and that he hadn’t come out for that…he wanted to spend time with me. For some reason this may have aggravated me more based on my new attitude. I almost felt like I was in some game and I wasn’t going to let him get that one move up on me. I insisted. We left 30 minutes later and had sex at my condo. And another night after we did the same thing. Why do I do this to myself?

While lying in bed with him one of those nights, I check my phone and realize I received a Facebook request from a girl I did not know. I ignore it. Until I get home. It’s a girl he works with back at home.

I assume the worst. She is a friend of his wife. I was going to see him exactly one week later so I let it be until we could talk in person. When I finally mention it he acknowledges that she works with him and that she was one of the one’s asking around after I got my pass. He says nothing more. When I ask the relationship this girl has with his wife, he says that he knows they are just friends on Facebook and that is it. The following day he tells me that he needs to watch his texting the rest of the weekend. All hell has broken back at home (mind you he is out of town with me) and his wife is flipping out and going through all of this phone bills. While he tells me that she isn’t returning his calls and will not talk to him, his phone is still blowing up that evening. I find it odd that I have not yet received a phone call from her since we have now been communicating for 3 years with that phone. My heart sinks. I believe I already know what is going on. Like a lunatic, I ignore my gut and still have a good time with him the rest of the weekend.

3 days after arriving home he tells me that he needs to lay low for a while since his wife believes he has something going on with a girl he works with. Shocker…

I lose it. I mean, I lose all my sanity. As the saying goes, “If he’s cheating with you, he will cheat on you”. I just never would have believed it from this man. He may have been emotionally closed off to me, but he NEVER came across as a serial cheater. I always felt like and heard from him that this was just so new to him; he never had what we had with anyone else before. Oh the lies. And they continued. The more insane I became towards him and I let him know how upset and hurt I was, the more the lies poured out. First it was one time, then it was a few times, then it was that they talked and were friends more than anything. His rational? I wasn’t there. I was beyond hurt and an emotional wreck. I may have dealt with the sex; I couldn’t deal with the relationship part. It was clear to me that it was more. His wife set her sights on her…she never called my phone. I think it hurt more knowing that they had something that was never an option between us.

This was last April when my little world crumbled. To say it ended there would have been the best thing I could have ever done. It didn’t. I continued to yell at him, he continued to take it and apologize at every move. I took out every problem I had during that time on him, and he just sat and took it. He promised me up and down that the sex with the other woman was a fluke thing and it had long stopped. They still talked though since they worked together, but not by phone/text. On the other hand, he also continued to lie to his wife that he never had cheated on her. Ever. He must have some power over her to as she didn’t leave either. Essentially I realized he just kept lying to everyone in his life.

2 months later I was to see him again. It had been scheduled long before all of the above events. We were now communicating strictly by email and he asked if I would sit down and talk to him face to face about everything that had happened. I should also add that by now his wife had called me, her best friend had called me, and my husband had also found out about him to some degree. It was a mess. I still agreed to hear him out. We may have been talking but we were NOT in a good place.

The man who walked into my room that night, I did not recognize. He was callous, somewhat rude, and distant. We had our heart to heart and there were moments that I could see through his little façade but at other times he was just such an *******. In our “heart to heart” he ends up spilling that there have been many other women. Some the same weekends I was with him. As he wanted, I threw him out yelling and screaming and told him I never wanted to see his face again.

Months later I would find out that he made it all up. He wanted me to hate him. He wanted to make sure I would move on and never look back. I never did really believe the man that I knew so well could have done all that. The one woman, yes maybe… the rest of it? No.

I would see him 5 more times last year alone. Things were not perfect, haven’t been since all of the heartache I had endured. But things were ok. Last October, I think we both decided to have a break. I’m not sure who needed it more but it had been in my head for some time to just end it…but I couldn’t. I asked him on the previous trip to let me go, he said he couldn’t. Misery loves company I suppose. But in October it was time. We had a perfect few days together and we said good-bye. I literally cried the entire night as he wiped my tears; but it had to end.

In the months that passed, I missed him like crazy…but I refused to break the no contact. Things became easier as the days passed. I realized that I had pushed him for so long to conform to what I wanted, but all I think I really ever wanted from the beginning was someone to make me feel alive and make me feel wanted. He always did that part, without fail. It was the rest of the crap and I wanting our relationship to be something it was not that forced us to say good-bye.

In February his mother passed away. I didn’t even hesitate to email him and offer my condolences. Whatever had happened between us or does happen between us, he always has my heart and it was breaking for him. I don’t think I ever expected him to say anything but “thank you”. But he did. He said so much more. I told a friend that I had wondered what he did with his “old” self. I was thoroughly enjoying the “new” version.

Last week I saw him again for the first time in over 6 months. I believe it was the longest we had ever gone without seeing each other, let alone not talking. I didn’t expect to see him the first night but some work things changed for him. That first hug was so amazing. I realized how much I had truly missed him. We ended up chatting for a few hours. He was so open. So different; so emotional telling me about his mother’s death. I realized sitting there that my heart had never really stopped loving him and I realized it never could.

We had amazing sex that night. An amazing time all together…..except….

Two things I learned as the night turned into morning. First; I thought he had another phone in addition to his “family” phone. I swear I had seen it. I instantly wondered why since we were still just emailing each other. Second; he told me that an event had taken place at the end of last year. He alluded to it when he said he had been having such a rough few months at home with his mother’s death and this event. When I asked what had happened, he only responded “you don’t want to know”.

Background: I have many friends who work in this sport. I had been out with one earlier that evening to dinner and he also mentioned this “event”. His take was that the MM’s wife was making a scene around work about his cheating and he may or may not have been kicked off of a team because of it. I didn’t ask any further questions of either of them. He was right, I didn’t want to know. It was easier to ignore what I figured had been a complete lie all along about the other women. They were having sex and a relationship, and still were. I was sure of it. I was sure that was why he had the other phone, why his wife as going crazy, why he had been so good with the no contact with me. I figured I would just ignore it and enjoy what I had with him at that moment. Exactly what I had missed.

The following night would change everything. After thinking and re-thinking it all through in my head, I couldn’t quite decide if I could still leave it all alone of if I needed to directly ask him what was going on. He answered that for me when he literally met me, had sex, and then needed to leave. Now I’m not defending his actions, but know that his had become sort of a pattern after his wife found out about me in the first place. She kept close ties on his whereabouts. Our nights of falling asleep wrapped in each other’s arms were long gone. He always had to get back to his room and roommate. The night before there was no roommate and we didn’t see each other till much later than his wife would have been up calling. So either way I learned to live with him leaving…and thus should have expected it this night. For some reason it just set me off to ask what was truly bothering me.

“Are you still having sex with her? If this is going to continue again between us, I think I deserve to know.” His response: “Who, my wife?” He looked so confused it was almost laughable, but I still pushed for an answer. When I clarified what I had meant, he seemed shocked I would have brought it up. He got very serious and told me yet again that I was the ONLY one. We had been through this argument 100 times. It was one time and there were no other women. The sincerity if this man’s eyes make me truly believe him. I may be naïve, but I do.

I only responded that he needed to find someone to talk to, anyone. He needs to get his life in order.

How can I still be worried about him and his health? His world is turned upside down right now and he really doesn’t know which way is up and is probably talking out of his ass. Yet, I continue to stick around. I continue to want to be there for him and help someway. I hate to even admit it, but I still want him in my life. Part of my insane brain wants to continue this with him. I’ve already emailed and said as much, to no response from him.

I believe that makes me a selfish bitch of a person to anyone reading this.

My world is turned upside down too. I realize most will not feel any pity for me but this has completely brought me back into a depressed state of mind. I have not ate or slept in 3 days.

Why would he have started this with me again? Why couldn’t he just leave it alone? And to tell me this after being intimate with me again?

I think the worse thing for me is finding out he really is the person I never wanted him to be. He’s not the person I defended for so long. He came back to me after his wife tried to kill herself? A good friend’s only response this morning was that “he is the biggest ******* of them all”.

If only I could remember that and get rid of this sick feeling. If only I could be the better person and just walk away.

Where do I go from here? How do I attempt to get my mind/life back to some normal state?

Edited November 10, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Personally identifiable information redacted.

April 23, 2012

There are no words for this man. Continually cheating and probably gaslighting his wife literally almost to death.

But remember this: you now know, so what happens to her is now in your hands, as well. Stay away from this man! Let him and his wife work their stuff out.

April 23, 2012

This is all a mess as you know....

I'm curious, you've not said anything (or maybe I missed it) about your own marriage, what that looks like and what you want from it.

I agree with your assessment that your MM should get his life in order. I'd advise the same for you. That will also give you something to occupy yourself with instead of focus on him and his life. Everyone in this situation needs therapy IMO.

April 23, 2012

No disrespect, but you really like to make your life complicated! This affair with your MM had red flags all over it from the start, and he doesn't exactly live a stone's throw away from you, so what were you thinking? Affairs are mired in deceit and trickery, but if you want some extramarital affair sex then find some one who lives 10-20 minutes away, and without all the baggage and drama. That's what I did. I just don't understand why some people are a glutton for punishment. You are a recidivist, a repeat offender in getting your heart stomped on, but it's your own fault.

Taking cross country plane trips to see someone again and again who you yourself have coined a liar and schemer? I don't get it........

"Never ever figured Lord, love would leave me feeling As dead as yesterday"

April 23, 2012

wow thanks for sharing. A's seem to start out so easy and like not big deal...they get so messy and painful. it becomes an addiction.

quitting crack is easier

April 23, 2012

Angelina ~ I agree more than you know. I feel responsible for her and all of it.

MissBee ~ I didn't mention my own marriage. As you are all finding out, I've been too wrapped up in MM's life for so long that all my focus gets driven there. I rarely discuss my own marriage with anyone. My marriage isn't horrible. We co-exist. We have a teenager that I've somehow felt like I was protecting by staying married to him. Years just continue to go by at status quo. We don't argue, we rarely have sex. I feel like we are roommates. I recently found out that he was having an affair also. I know that I haven't put my heart into the marriage in many years and shouldn't expect him to either. We are both kind of just stuck.

LoveTKO ~ I didn't have a clear choice in falling in love with MM. If I could have chosen different, I wouldn't have let it happen. The distance was perfect for what I expected out of it to begin with. Nothing past that one time. I agree, I know my heart has been stomped on over and over and it's all my doing. It's easy to see that when it's not your own life and your viewing it as an outsider. I see it now as well. But I can't change what has happened or how I feel about him. I can only change the way I deal going forward. And to my defense, I only flew across country one time on my own dollar. We both travel for a living and 99% of the time we can coordinate those schedules. Still not right, and trust me I am aware of that.

April 23, 2012

LoveTKO - Enjoy your insight very much! But I wasn't suppose to know about it. I agree that he's probably a Mack Daddy, but he is the most private person I have ever met when it comes to family. This is not something he would have told me lightly. I'm also not suppose to know a lot more about this woman that I already do. I'm a snooper and have had access to some of her conversations with friends. I suppose that makes me a repeat offender in the biggest piece of crap category too.

She most certainly did. OD.

I missed it at the time. But now it's clear to see what was going on looking back on it.

April 23, 2012

Falling in love is ALWAYS a choice.

You felt the attraction, and fed it until it grew into love. That simple. Not rocket science.

Seems to me like you'd best be served by changing your focus onto ending your marriage. That frees you up to be with whomever you like, and at the same time will distract you enough from this other guy to help you "get over him" as needed.

Why not pursue that route, and free both you and your H up from the "friends" role you've stuck each other into? Sounds like a win/win.

April 23, 2012

LoveTKO - Enjoy your insight very much! But I wasn't suppose to know about it. I agree that he's probably a Mack Daddy, but he is the most private person I have ever met when it comes to family. This is not something he would have told me lightly. I'm also not suppose to know a lot more about this woman that I already do. I'm a snooper and have had access to some of her conversations with friends. I suppose that makes me a repeat offender in the biggest piece of crap category too.

She most certainly did. OD.

I missed it at the time. But now it's clear to see what was going on looking back on it.

Okay....you need to get this under control asap, because snooping on someone's conversations by whatever means does not fall in the parameters of normal behavior. You are obsessed and you need to go see a therapist to get you thru this ordeal.

April 23, 2012

I won't deny needing help. I wouldn't have shed a whole story on the last 4 years of my life had I not wanted some advice. I am obsessed. I can't deny that either. He's a frickin addiction, I could see that all along but couldn't stop. It took writing that story to really see how much BS I've put up, how screwed up my life had become and how much I really do need to get some therapy.

But don't jump to conclusions that I was somehow committing grand larceny by reading what the woman posted on an open FB account.

April 23, 2012

I won't deny needing help. I wouldn't have shed a whole story on the last 4 years of my life had I not wanted some advice. I am obsessed. I can't deny that either. He's a frickin addiction, I could see that all along but couldn't stop. It took writing that story to really see how much BS I've put up, how screwed up my life had become and how much I really do need to get some therapy.

But don't jump to conclusions that I was somehow committing grand larceny by reading what the woman posted on an open FB account.

The only grand larceny you're committing is robbing yourself of peace of mind.

April 23, 2012

this is years we're talking here.

you should end your marriage and live the single life. you are not, nor have been marriage material.

stop cake-eating. tell your husband what you've done, and cut him the f*ck loose.

April 23, 2012

I'm very sorry for your pain. I understand about MM being an addiction. I am finding a very hard time believing mine does not love me after all we have shared. It's hard to let go. You are not alone.

April 24, 2012

Girl, you have got to stop wrapping yourself around a man and worrying about someone who does not worry for you.

He's a playa. And playa's will say whatever is necessary to get what they want. You have already wasted 4 years of your life on this "man".... how many more are you willing to waste?

Edited November 10, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

April 24, 2012

Wow janem. What a story. I don't have anything to add except this guy is a mess in more ways than one.

So what are you going to do? I mean now that you know about his wife?

April 27, 2012

I'm very sorry for your pain. I understand about MM being an addiction. I am finding a very hard time believing mine does not love me after all we have shared. It's hard to let go. You are not alone.

Thank you. I know that I need advice, whether it's what I want to hear the truth or not at this point...and that's why I decided to share my story. But sometimes it's good just to hear "it's hard and you are not alone".

April 27, 2012

About your marriage you said you're both "stuck". I'd like to chime in based on what I learned about my wife's FIVE year affair. She claimed initially we were "stuck", too. What she has discovered is that it was never we who were stuck. It was she who created that barrier. Just a little food for thought. Your husband WILL find out. And when he does, you'll see what being "stuck" is really about.

April 27, 2012

Wow janem. What a story. I don't have anything to add except this guy is a mess in more ways than one.

So what are you going to do? I mean now that you know about his wife?

Oh I'm pretty sure I have complimented him being a mess all these years quite nicely. I'm obviously just as big of a screw up as he is, if not more. I let him treat me a certain way for the return of what I received out of it, I knew what I was doing and in the back of my mind knew that I deserved more from him...but I continued to LET him do it. I was (and still am) to blame for this mess as much as he is. I find so many people on here bashing the MM in their situations. I'm just not at that point yet or maybe I never will be. Who knows? I feel like I contributed to any hurt I'm under and was always a willing participant.

What am I going to do? I have no idea. I feel trapped by my own fear. I feel like no matter which way I turn this or which way I decide to move, I’m trapped. I’m trapped between still wanting him (maybe not even “him” but how he made me feel when we were together, when things were good) and still having something exciting and fun in my life to look forward to. And between being the better person and just walking away and feeling even more empty then I do right now. I’ve been in this place before and I’m not sure I can go back to it.

I know the answer from the people who have responded already would be to stop being selfish and move on from MM and H. Move on to what exactly? I don’t know what else there is. Am I selfish? Absolutely.

Feel free to bash on me all you want folks, since I know you will

April 27, 2012

About your marriage you said you're both "stuck". I'd like to chime in based on what I learned about my wife's FIVE year affair. She claimed initially we were "stuck", too. What she has discovered is that it was never we who were stuck. It was she who created that barrier. Just a little food for thought. Your husband WILL find out. And when he does, you'll see what being "stuck" is really about.

Again, taking full responsibility for my actions....I do believe that I probably put a barrier in my marriage. And I appreciate your insight. This has been something I have contemplated for a long time about my marriage. Would I still feel the same way about my marriage if I put all my effort back into it?

For the better part of these past 6 months I have felt like I've let some of those barriers down. I have put forth effort. MM was not in my life. I won't lie and say he left my thoughts completely though but there was NC. Was it the best I could do? By no means. I'm sure counseling would have helped more. I'm sure having amnesia would have also done the trick...but I wasn't so lucky. Things were better between H and me – at least it seemed that way.

What did it get me? I found out H was cheating on me as well.

Karma is a bitch they say.

And to add to that, my H knew about MM some time ago. So when I say “stuck”, I mean it for the both of us.

April 27, 2012

Was your H's affair a revenge affair or did it happen before this all came out?

April 28, 2012

So you and your H are basically in an open M? When you found out about his A, what happened? Don't you talk things out? What's the plan? To keep going the way you are?

May 1, 2012

I met MM 4 years ago to the day tomorrow. 4 years. Where did all that time go?

We met at a sporting event. I wasn't wearing my wedding ring, and he surely wasn't wearing his.

I lose it. I mean, I lose all my sanity. As the saying goes, “If he’s cheating with you, he will cheat on you”.

Uh, but, you are a cheater as well:o:confused:

Are you under the assumption that you are a better cheater than him?

And in that LONG post, I might have missed it, did you address whether you are still with your husband? If so, you should divorce him so he can move on with his life.

May 1, 2012

The only grand larceny you're committing is robbing yourself of peace of mind.

And destroying 4yrs of her husband's life.

And maybe hurting their families or her own kids (if she has any).

Edited November 10, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

May 2, 2012

Wow. And here I thought I would receive support on this site to help me through a difficult time. You guys are really all just bitter *******s. I'm glad you find peace in your own life by following blogs and demeaning others and their troubles.

Been fun....

It's amazing isn't it? So supportive. Whatever lets them think that they are good people and sleep at night right? I hope you find what you need somewhere else, this is like a trainwreck for anyone that really needs to be able to talk to someone.

May 2, 2012

It's better to be alone and lonely than married to someone who makes you lonely.

Some counselling can help you get your life back on track.

You loved xMM but the addictive part on how he made you feel, that excitement will never be felt with your husband. That intensity and drama driven emotion is gone now.

I suggest focussing on yourself and finding a passion or a hobby that can create similar happiness but in a healthy way and won't hurt anybody.

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Your wife did what?

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