Lil1 Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 As a girl what would you be thinking if the guy you had invited to a party walked out? I decided to wait until we got to the bar so that I could be more discreet about it. I saw a picture that she posted on Facebook with her and those guys (after I had left), and the one guy had his arm around her and she was clearly not bothered by it, and looked like she was really enjoying herself. In fact you would have never even know that I was there. **As a note, at this point this is probably more about learning what to do next time and how to appropriately handle these types of situations. ** JON I think you're making the right decision in moving on and allowing her to contact you (not you reaching out to her). Her behavior was a huge red flag when considering her as a relationship potential. She was the one in the wrong in this situation. She should not have treated you that way. She was rude at the very least and an insensitive, immature jerk especially considering SHE STILL HAS NOT APOLOGIZED OR REACHED OUT TO YOU. I think you are handling this situation accordingly and I give you props for not allowing it to affect your self esteem. This is her issue not yours and you are smart to walk away. If she does call then hear her out, but don't place too much faith in her. IMO she would have to bend over backwards and really prove to you that she has genuine interest in you for you to even consider giving her another chance. Like you said, the likelyhood of this happening is very slim (as experience has taught you).
Author J0N Posted April 25, 2012 Author Posted April 25, 2012 For sake of argument, let's pretend she was just being friendly, talking with some of her male friends throughout the evening, being social, etc. Doing so made you uncomfortable, enough so that you chose to leave. Did she notice you were gone, has she called since, has she inquired why you left, where did you go, anything? I would think he was either pissed; uncomfortable; or not interested. I would have to judge that by the course of events - how we interacted, my behavior, his behavior, etc. If things had been going relatively smooth, and we're both interested in one another, I would stand near him, dance with him (depending on the venue), maybe kiss him, and I would def leave with him alongside. You can either assert yourself and tell her you didn't appreciate her behavior and wish her well, or do nothing. Thank you for your input, this is sort of re-afirming what I had been thinking all along. I just wanted to be sure that I was not over reacting. I have dated girls and been to parties where they would chat with other guys, maybe even for a long time. But that is usually because they are in a class together or talking about something they are both intrested in. I am perfectly ok with this, I have no intention of trying to stifel somebody, and would never get mad at her for talking to other people during a party. But what this girl did was blatent, and out of line.
truth_seeker Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 Thank you for your input, this is sort of re-afirming what I had been thinking all along. I just wanted to be sure that I was not over reacting. I have dated girls and been to parties where they would chat with other guys, maybe even for a long time. But that is usually because they are in a class together or talking about something they are both intrested in. I am perfectly ok with this, I have no intention of trying to stifel somebody, and would never get mad at her for talking to other people during a party. But what this girl did was blatent, and out of line. You think she was talking to the other guys simply to make you feel jealous?
Author J0N Posted April 25, 2012 Author Posted April 25, 2012 JON I think you're making the right decision in moving on and allowing her to contact you (not you reaching out to her). Her behavior was a huge red flag when considering her as a relationship potential. She was the one in the wrong in this situation. She should not have treated you that way. She was rude at the very least and an insensitive, immature jerk especially considering SHE STILL HAS NOT APOLOGIZED OR REACHED OUT TO YOU. I think you are handling this situation accordingly and I give you props for not allowing it to affect your self esteem. This is her issue not yours and you are smart to walk away. If she does call then hear her out, but don't place too much faith in her. IMO she would have to bend over backwards and really prove to you that she has genuine interest in you for you to even consider giving her another chance. Like you said, the likelyhood of this happening is very slim (as experience has taught you). Thank you do much for your input. I think your right, at first I thought walking out was a little harsh. But I didn't really know what else to do, I didn't really have any interest in spending more time there chatting with the bartender. I kind of think that I will hear from her in a couple weeks with a lame text along the lines of "Hey, I haven't heard from you in a while, what have you been up to?" I honestly don't think she even realized that what she did bothered me so much. Trust me here I don't think I am over reacting here it was pretty blatant. I have a feeling that if I told her how I really felt she would tell me that I am overreacting. I am definataely not going to sweep it under the rug if she contacts me. Either way, everyone who has responded has pretty much all given me a unanimous answer. I will hear her out and give her another chance, but only if she apologizes. I got walked on a lot by my ex gf and it sucks.
Author J0N Posted April 25, 2012 Author Posted April 25, 2012 You think she was talking to the other guys simply to make you feel jealous? Well that is the $64,000 question, the guy could have been a good friend from back home. Honestly I don't know, that's why I started this thread looking for advice. I am not big on playing games though, why would a girl do that anyway after we had clicked so well. That is like what girls used to do in junior high, not when your in your late-twenties
TheSingleGuy Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 (edited) Yes, this girl was completely acting like a bitch, and you didn't allow her to tool you all night when you just left. That was an excellent decision to walk out. She should be able to figure out why you left. She was laughing at another guy's phrases and making eye contact and touching his arm & leg while ignoring you. That she hasn't even contacted you is VERY mean and selfish. That said, this relationship melt down is your fault. With women, you have to learn from your mistakes, my friend. Your mistake was going to a party she invited you to. I am assuming, she had acquaintances and friends at this party and you did not. That's why you were talking to the bar tender while she ignored you. Never, EVER, EVER go to a social event that a woman invites you to unless you've had sex with her several times and she's totally into you. Until you've slept with a girl several times, NEVER ASSUME she's into you. NEVER. Any time a woman you are pursuing, that you haven't slept with several times, invites you to her social event, on her turf, with her friends, ALWAYS say you can't make it and suggest something else at another time. NEVER get sucked into this death trap again. Because going to a social event with a new girl on her terms is a death trap. Nothing good can come of it. Remember, women want a man who takes charge and leads. When she suggested this party as a "date" she was probably testing you subconsciously. By going, she lost attraction for you. Edited April 25, 2012 by TheSingleGuy
Author J0N Posted April 25, 2012 Author Posted April 25, 2012 Yes, this girl was completely acting like a bitch, and you didn't allow her to tool you all night when you just left. That was an excellent decision to walk out. She should be able to figure out why you left. She was laughing at another guy's phrases and making eye contact and touching his arm & leg while ignoring you. That she hasn't even contacted you is VERY mean and selfish. That said, this relationship melt down is your fault. With women, you have to learn from your mistakes, my friend. Your mistake was going to a party she invited you to. I am assuming, she had acquaintances and friends at this party and you did not. That's why you were talking to the bar tender while she ignored you. Never, EVER, EVER go to a social event that a woman invites you to unless you've had sex with her several times and she's totally into you. Until you've slept with a girl several times, NEVER ASSUME she's into you. NEVER. Any time a woman you are pursuing, that you haven't slept with several times, invites you to her social event, on her turf, with her friends, ALWAYS say you can't make it and suggest something else at another time. NEVER get sucked into this death trap again. Because going to a social event with a new girl on her terms is a death trap. Nothing good can come of it. Remember, women want a man who takes charge and leads. When she suggested this party as a "date" she was probably testing you subconsciously. By going, she lost attraction for you. Hmm, where were you and this advice last Friday. But your right, I knew nobody there. It sure felt like a death trap while I was there. I am normally a pretty talkative guy and I didn't really have any issues until those other guys showed up. Your description of the whole thing seems pretty much spot on, unfortunately. So you think it's sunk then and that any more effort into this would be a waste?
RedRobin Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 (edited) As for the multi dater thing. I understand that we were not official or anything like that. Last time I checked it's a free country and she is free to make her own choices. I am not a confrontational guy but I have certain beliefs that I don't stray from. What she did the other night seemed like a statement to me. That basically said "Your great and all, but I think this guy is cooler and you can piss off until I get bored with him and get back to you." I can only hope that I made a loud statement by leaving, probably not though. Funny thing is, that she is older than me. But she seemed pretty carefree about it. It kind of stunned me. It reminds me of that Baz Luhrman speech "Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, and don't put up with people who are reckless with yours" Ive been around girls like her before, I'm bummed though because I actually liked her a lot. I've never seen a girl be this blunt about it though, I almost left the party but I decided that I would stomach it at least until we got to the bar but there it only got worse. Honestly I don't know what to think, I feel more like a chump than anything. Definataely never calling her again. I need some advice on what to say of she contacts me. I am not really into playing games, I would rather be honest. I have learned the hard way in the past that being to blunt with women can really blow up in your face. Not sure what to do I've been guilty of jumping to conclusions myself. And felt like a 'chump' in my own way too. There seems to be very little any of us can assume these days... When I found myself single again after a long relationship, I never knew diddly-squat about 'multi-dating'. Where I'm from, it is considered very bad form and, well, cheating and kind of low-class. But to each his/her own. If it works for other people, then that is fine. I've gotten better at avoiding those who have that dating style though. Because it is pretty fundamentally different. One thing that has helped me alot in this is to do my best not to take someone's dating style personally. You might take the opportunity to explain or discuss once more if there is any doubt in your mind that you sent mixed signals yourself. On the other hand, a more mature woman who really liked you might have sought clarity directly. Edited: I disagree about being invited to her party as being a 'death trap'. I don't think you did anything wrong. She is the loser here. Not you. I'm not looking for a man to 'take charge' and 'take the lead'. I want someone who will meet me halfway, and be reasonably respectful and considerate. You've done all those things. Don't let jerks like her bring you down... and don't let bitter guys make you feel like a chump. IMHO, you did nothing wrong. If anything, this was a test for HER. She showed you she can't be trusted and isn't mature enough to have an adult conversation about things. Why do you want to salvage things with this one anyway? It seems her character and maturity are below your standards. You saw the real her pretty early. I'd call this incident a SUCCESS actually. Edited April 25, 2012 by RedRobin 1
TheSingleGuy Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 ++++So you think it's sunk then and that any more effort into this would be a waste?++++ Pretty much. Another poster here on LS once said something along the lines of, all the really good relationships I've had with women didn't start out rocky. They just went smooth from the very beginning. She makes you feel comfortable, you make her feel comfortable. I do think you are right, though. At some point, she'll send you a text "Hey, haven't heard from you in a while. How have you been?" I think you can pretty much bank on that at some point. At that point, I would recommend not texting her, but rather, CALLING her on the phone and see what she says. She'll hear your voice tone, you'll hear hers. The key thing is to see if she apologizes. I can't tell you how many women I've dated, including my ex-wife, who just simply WILL NOT apologize for their ****ty behavior. If she apologizes, and sounds sincere, I'd be inclined to give her another chance.
olivec Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 Another thing, she trashed what could have been something pretty good. I am having the hardest time wrapping my head around how she acted. Over those five dates she told me that she had had a few bad boyfriends over the years and was tired of being treated like crap and just wanted a nice guy. I have had a few crap girl friends myself and I thought I had met someone really great. I thought I met someone really great who I would work well with, we even had quite a bit in common. I also wasted a lot of money taking her out, I may as well just have lit it on fire I guess. It would be like if Superman robbed a bank or something, you would stand there thinking to yourself "Wow, that just f****** happened". For a day or two you are stunned that this great girl could literally turn on a dime and pull bs like that. I know how you feel man girls can be very unpredictable. Thats one of the ****ty things about dating, you think things are going well after a few months(in my case 6 months) with my last relationship and then it just explodes in your face. if it makes ya feel any better i'm in my 30's now and this **** still happens and i've had many relationships. However when it works this type of bul**** will not happen. Just keep your head up and let this girl be on her way. Shes disrepected you and that will only continue if you keep talking to her.
Author J0N Posted April 25, 2012 Author Posted April 25, 2012 I've been guilty of jumping to conclusions myself. And felt like a 'chump' in my own way too. There seems to be very little any of us can assume these days... When I found myself single again after a long relationship, I never knew diddly-squat about 'multi-dating'. Where I'm from, it is considered very bad form and, well, cheating and kind of low-class. But to each his/her own. If it works for other people, then that is fine. I've gotten better at avoiding those who have that dating style though. Because it is pretty fundamentally different. One thing that has helped me alot in this is to do my best not to take someone's dating style personally. You might take the opportunity to explain or discuss once more if there is any doubt in your mind that you sent mixed signals yourself. On the other hand, a more mature woman who really liked you might have sought clarity directly. Edited: I disagree about being invited to her party as being a 'death trap'. I don't think you did anything wrong. She is the loser here. Not you. I'm not looking for a man to 'take charge' and 'take the lead'. I want someone who will meet me halfway, and be reasonably respectful and considerate. You've done all those things. Don't let jerks like her bring you down... and don't let bitter guys make you feel like a chump. IMHO, you did nothing wrong. If anything, this was a test for HER. She showed you she can't be trusted and isn't mature enough to have an adult conversation about things. Why do you want to salvage things with this one anyway? It seems her character and maturity are below your standards. You saw the real her pretty early. I'd call this incident a SUCCESS actually. Your right, I live in a big city and things are a little differnt here than back home. But she comes from similar roots, so I expected that she would act accordingly. One tip I have for women, if you like a guy don't flirt with other guys after going out on several dates with another. I felt disrespected. This was from a girl who said she was tired of being treated like crap and walked on by guys. I guess the main reason that I have done all this is because I actually really liked her, we really clicked on those dates. I though that going to this party would be a walk in the park. After all I did meet her at a party, and she was just fine then . When we first met, one of her friends even asked me if I was single and hinted that she (girl I am posting about) liked me. I also come from the school of thought that while the guy is supposed to lead things he is not to be a dictator. Honestly, I thought that if everything went well we would ... after the party and really cement things. But instead she pulled a complete 180 on me. Every relationship I have ever had really centered on one thing. Trust. It is so strange that she would do this, but if I cannot trust her then its obviously a fool's errand to pursue her any further. I was pretty dissapointed when there was no text after I left asking where I had gone. I do think though that going to the party was a bad idea, no that I am into playing hard to get or games in general. But if your always free to hang out when she is that might be bad. At this point there is really nothing I can do. But she mentioned the party to me several times, I thought that she REALLY wanted me to come. I had thought that she would say something sooner, and perhaps say "Sorry those were some guys I have known since I was a kid and I hadn't seen them in a while" In that case everything would have been fine, I might even have looked away from the flirting, but I got nothing. If she had only explained what was going on, things would be more clear. Crappy communication from the outset is not a good thing, and I really am not the kind of guy who beats around the bush. If I have something to say I usually do. She is the loser here, and because I believe that most people are inherently good. If she apologizes I will hear her out, and depending on how she does it I might even be open to giveing her another chance. If I get some BS text in two weeks, I am going to just ignore it and chalk this one up to a failure.
TheSingleGuy Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 Jon, I think RedRobin has good intentions in telling you that going to the party with the girl was not a bad idea. She just doesn't see things from a man's perspective. Men seduce women, not the other way around. On your way to seducing a woman, there are many pitfalls, and if you make just one mistake, you can be out forever. Going to her party was a pitfall. You made a mistake. You had everything to lose and nothing to gain by going to that party.
Author J0N Posted April 25, 2012 Author Posted April 25, 2012 ++++So you think it's sunk then and that any more effort into this would be a waste?++++ Pretty much. Another poster here on LS once said something along the lines of, all the really good relationships I've had with women didn't start out rocky. They just went smooth from the very beginning. She makes you feel comfortable, you make her feel comfortable. I do think you are right, though. At some point, she'll send you a text "Hey, haven't heard from you in a while. How have you been?" I think you can pretty much bank on that at some point. At that point, I would recommend not texting her, but rather, CALLING her on the phone and see what she says. She'll hear your voice tone, you'll hear hers. The key thing is to see if she apologizes. I can't tell you how many women I've dated, including my ex-wife, who just simply WILL NOT apologize for their ****ty behavior. If she apologizes, and sounds sincere, I'd be inclined to give her another chance. I aagree with a lot of what you are saying,a good buddy of mine married a girl who gave him an ultimatum. He ended up divorcing her not too long after, good, healthy relationships rarely start out rocky. And yes, every relationship I have ever been in started out smoothly. I remember thinking thoughts like, man this girl is so cool, and why would she go for a guy like me. Sometimes there were hiccups in the process but they were geneerally very minor. Never anthing remotely like this. At the end of the day, I only went out on five dates with her. I am a little sketchy about having such a serious conversation with her about the matter. If she does come back with some BS text like that I think I am just going to ignore it and delete her phone number and forget about the matter. I will accept nothing less than a proper apology. I am nobody's doormat. This would have been easy if I had only been on a date or two, but I invested a fair amount of myself in this and I am really dissapointed to see it go so sh*tty so quickly. Plus she is the first girl I have met in a LONG time that I have liked, which is why I didn't blow it up.
Author J0N Posted April 25, 2012 Author Posted April 25, 2012 I know how you feel man girls can be very unpredictable. Thats one of the ****ty things about dating, you think things are going well after a few months(in my case 6 months) with my last relationship and then it just explodes in your face. if it makes ya feel any better i'm in my 30's now and this **** still happens and i've had many relationships. However when it works this type of bul**** will not happen. Just keep your head up and let this girl be on her way. Shes disrepected you and that will only continue if you keep talking to her. I am trying to be optimistic about this and give her the benefit of the doubt. Unfortunately I am also realistic and I know you have about a 99% chance of being 100% correct.
Author J0N Posted April 25, 2012 Author Posted April 25, 2012 Jon, I think RedRobin has good intentions in telling you that going to the party with the girl was not a bad idea. She just doesn't see things from a man's perspective. Men seduce women, not the other way around. On your way to seducing a woman, there are many pitfalls, and if you make just one mistake, you can be out forever. Going to her party was a pitfall. You made a mistake. You had everything to lose and nothing to gain by going to that party. I guess, I just didn't think about it from that perspective. I looked it as an opportunity to hang out with her and meet her friends. After all they say toat if you take your five best friends and blend their personalities yours is the result. Ive dated a lot, I have been to parties with girls I haven't slept with and things still worked out. Frankly I thought that I would probably stay at her place and we would cement things later in the night. Frankly, if those guys hadnt showed up I probably would have. I think your right, and most of the time you kind of "know" instinctively if she is into you or not. This I guess is an example of my instincts being wrong. I do appreciate getting both male and female perspective on the matter. In this case you were definataely correct, because the night turned into a train wreck.
truth_seeker Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 I am trying to be optimistic about this and give her the benefit of the doubt. Unfortunately I am also realistic and I know you have about a 99% chance of being 100% correct. I can tell you're a good guy. I'm the same way, in that I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, especially with a person I am interested in. Just don't lose sight that she might be a loser. I do agree with other poster's that if it starts out rocky, seldom does it turn into a healthy, LTR.
truth_seeker Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 Jon, I think RedRobin has good intentions in telling you that going to the party with the girl was not a bad idea. She just doesn't see things from a man's perspective. Men seduce women, not the other way around. On your way to seducing a woman, there are many pitfalls, and if you make just one mistake, you can be out forever. Going to her party was a pitfall. You made a mistake. You had everything to lose and nothing to gain by going to that party. I don't think it was a mistake for him to go to the party, but rather for him to go alone. He should have brought some of his own friends so he wouldn't have been out numbered.
RedRobin Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 FTR, if I'd gone on 5 dates with someone, and then invited him to a party, it would be because I was really interested in him. What I'm pushing back against is this idea that anyone has to 'play' anything... and that one needs to think, 'oh, if I do this or that, then she's not going to think I'm the man." I really detest stuff like this because it seems to do nothing but create confusion. What I'm saying is, just do what you think is right. Any action done to 'predict' another's action is probably bound to backfire and doesn't represent who you authentically are. I'm really sorry this didn't work out for you... but I still think you are kind of lucky things turned out the way they did. Let's say you did sleep over. Then you are even more invested. There are always other guys. How is she going to behave when you aren't around? Or even after you sleep with her? What about other parties in the future? Do you want this kind of drama? I think it is NOT a given that sleeping with her would have sealed anything. She just doesn't seem to be a very thoughtful person or has a completely different dating style than you.
RedRobin Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 I don't think it was a mistake for him to go to the party, but rather for him to go alone. He should have brought some of his own friends so he wouldn't have been out numbered. Probably. I go to parties all of the time and not know a soul except who invited me. He gets bonus points IMO because he offered to go to a party, just mingle, and make the best of it. Really, I think he's acting very much like a 'catch' and her not at all. Seriously. Lets break this down... 1 he took her on 5 great dates 2 he really liked her and took things on face value. 3 acted like a gentleman even in the face of some (arguable) rudeness. 4 he's stated that if she calls, he will hear her out 5 He sounds disappointed, but he's not lashing out at all women 5 stars. 1
Pierre Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 I am trying to be optimistic about this and give her the benefit of the doubt. Unfortunately I am also realistic and I know you have about a 99% chance of being 100% correct. My suspicion is that this woman is a flirt that craves male attention. She is a high risk for infidelity if she gets married.
truth_seeker Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 Probably. I go to parties all of the time and not know a soul except who invited me. He gets bonus points IMO because he offered to go to a party, just mingle, and make the best of it. Really, I think he's acting very much like a 'catch' and her not at all. Seriously. Lets break this down... 1 he took her on 5 great dates 2 he really liked her and took things on face value. 3 acted like a gentleman even in the face of some (arguable) rudeness. 4 he's stated that if she calls, he will hear her out 5 He sounds disappointed, but he's not lashing out at all women 5 stars. By him acting like a gentleman and walking away, it will come back to bite this girl in the ass someday. She will get burned by some guy, think about Jon, and when Jon isn't available, she will realize she lost out on a great guy.
Author J0N Posted April 26, 2012 Author Posted April 26, 2012 Probably. I go to parties all of the time and not know a soul except who invited me. He gets bonus points IMO because he offered to go to a party, just mingle, and make the best of it. Really, I think he's acting very much like a 'catch' and her not at all. Seriously. Lets break this down... 1 he took her on 5 great dates 2 he really liked her and took things on face value. 3 acted like a gentleman even in the face of some (arguable) rudeness. 4 he's stated that if she calls, he will hear her out 5 He sounds disappointed, but he's not lashing out at all women 5 stars. Thank you for the compliment. In this case this girl is a dud, but I have not lost faith in women in general. Otherwise what would be the point. Some women are great, some suck. The same is true with guys. I still haven't heard from her, so I am no longer holding my breath. I was talking to my sister who brought up that I used to complain how my ex would sometimes act in a similar way (although we always left together). I promised myself at the end of my old relationship that I would only date girls who respected me (you know what I mean, she doesn't have to worship me, just be nice and not act like this). She said that if somebody new acts like this so soon then it's a good idea to let her be on her way.
Author J0N Posted April 26, 2012 Author Posted April 26, 2012 By him acting like a gentleman and walking away, it will come back to bite this girl in the ass someday. She will get burned by some guy, think about Jon, and when Jon isn't available, she will realize she lost out on a great guy. It is almost comical to me that a girl who claimed to be tired of guys treating her like this turns around and does it to somebody else.
jobaba Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 It is almost comical to me that a girl who claimed to be tired of guys treating her like this turns around and does it to somebody else. Oh boy. Get used to it.
ChulaGuy Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 (edited) Jon, It's been 3 days since your original post. Give her a call and express your concerns. You said she was hammered, and probably didn't know what she was doing. Not an excuse, but a reason for her strange (in your eyes) behavior. She didn't leave you, but invited you along. You're the one who put your drink down and left. She was flirting with guys she hadn't seen in a long time, and those same guys told you she had been saying great things about you. You think she is really great and you like her. Go with what your heart tells you, but keep an eye out for continued flirtations with others. Call her on it and tell her how it made you feel. Life's too short to hold grudges and wonder about "what if's". Jon Edited April 26, 2012 by ChulaGuy add
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