Savaris Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 Hello everyone, I really, really need some help. I'd really appreciate if someone could help me on this one.. My ex told me that she loves me but is not in love with me, she has been so confused about her feelings. She told me that im the perfect guy for her, thats she really wants to be with me, but cant force her heart, shes not even willing to try to work it out.. ive always pushed her and ive always been there for her, making her happy, and everything ive always been available for her, bought nice things that would make her smile, put effort into making things specially for her because her smile made me happy. She told me things are good the way they are, ive been doing the same thing to her so she has this ''why should I want a relation with you, its ok like this mindset.'' Weve been dating for 5 months, and she told me that there was something missing, to me it was always perfect with her so its weird, chemistry was always there I know it because ive seen it. She told me she does has this feelings with her ex (met her 3 months after she broke up with her ex, dated 2 months with her, then something happened, I saw her 4 months later, she did not go t her ex but to me, we were together for 3 months after that she went back to her ex, for like 1,5 month but still saw me 5-6 times during that time, she told me we are drawn to eachother) So after they broke up i tried again, we did kiss and such but i could see her confusion, she suddenly ignored me for 2 weeks right when it was going good. After that we were just talking to eachother again but i told her that I did not want to stay friends, that we could first try to and then perhaps get that special feeling again but she said no. So I told her that I dont want her to talk to me again but she told me that she cant live without me. So im in that kind of situation.. where im really in love and shes in love but not in that way.. I think its because of my behaviour towards her, Ive never talked sexually and never had sex with her because I didnt want to rush it.. I used to flirt but I did not after a while.. and when I was so available for her did all those nice things she started to see me as a friend, not a lover. Her ex is the total opposite of me. So what should I exactly do now, because I know where the problem lies, and I know i can get her back, should I never initiate contact and let her? and be not available for her all the time use push/pull on her if she talks sweet to me should I just answer normally or also respond sweet? Should I keep showing i dont care about what happens to the relationship? act aloof at times, so i can be unpredictable. should I keep flirting at times and be playful to create that tension? What should I do, because I really want her back, i really do. Ive tried so hard to not look desperate, clingy and all that, ive shown her that i can be rough on her aswell, and she noticed that immediately. im trying to flirt a bit now, trying to add sexual stuff into the conversation now and then, trying to create tension between her and me but am I doing the right thing? Please I need answer to these questions hope someone can give them! I'd be extremely grateful because this has been bothering me for soooo long now.. I tried to move on, but I cant, it feels like she belongs to me and she also tried to move on but she also cant, and I dont want to give up when I can do something about it.. i know where the problem lies now i just need some advice and help. Thanks!
Author Savaris Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 o yeah, were currently pretty connected again..shes calling me the sweetest again and calling me by my nickname,
Chi townD Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 DUDE! Move on. The "ILYBINILWY" speech is a classic line cheaters use. Yeah, she's cheating on you. You state that you were the perfect boyfriend, never pushed her into anything, never pressured her for sex and been respectful; yet, she's "confused". The only time to be confused is when there's another guy in the picture. Because, if you were THAT good to her, then there isn't anything to be confused about. 4
darkmoon Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 the female perspective is that you are dealing with a girl - a girl - who can't quite make up her mind, no proof of infidelity but in a way that would be better - at least you'd have a real woman on your hands - go find a new woman not the child-woman, you've been a saint
Author Savaris Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 (edited) Shes not cheating, as I stated in my text, she told me that shes in love with her ex, so I know that, but I also know that she has issues, she thinks very lowly of herself and she thinks that she only deserves guys like him, she told me shes a big wussy and that shes a big liar and that im the real thing anyways, that aside, I know a lot of people would say move on but i really dont want to give her up, not now, not when I know that i bring out the angel in her when she thinks shes nothing Im not sure what to do anymore it sucks, I really need answers on the questions I mentioned in my text,cuz I really want to make it work Edited April 23, 2012 by Savaris
gibson Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 (edited) she told me that shes in love with her ex Game over! I really want to make it work It's never going to work! Stop being "Captain fix a Ho" and go date women that don't need "fixing". All you are is a rebound and a shoulder to cry on. You can't fix her, you can't teach her, you can heal her, you can't improve her self-esteem, etc. She is going to continue to jack you around, continue to lie to you, cheat (emotionally and psychically) and continue to pursue and date her Ex or guys like him. If she really wanted you or a guy like you, she would be with you or with a guy like you. Even if you are successful in "fixing" her (which you won't), she will leave you for someone who she didn't treat like crap and respects. So either way, this is a lose / lose situation for you. Your Ex (the girl who has only been using you) will continue to date guys like her Ex for many, many years and quite possibly forever. You need to worry about your issues, not hers! Where is your own self-esteem? Why would you allow a women to treat you this way? Why do you want a women who admitted she is in love with someone else? Why do you want a women who lied to you, admitted it and said she would do it again? Edited April 23, 2012 by gibson 3
Author Savaris Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 cuz she is the first girl i truly loved
Author Savaris Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 (edited) The one thing I dont understand is, why would she come to me after that period of 5 months when she could have gone to her ex? She chose me over him and ive been with her for 3-4 months. And she never talked about that guy to me, perhaps she used me by having fun with me, cuz I really opened her up, but other than that i coudnt think of any reason. anyhow, what should I do, she told me that she cant do without me, and to be honest i cant either, but I want more.. Edited April 23, 2012 by Savaris
Author Savaris Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 It seriously breaks my heart to see her with guys like that, i'd rather be her friend and lecture her to not be with guys like that than leave her alone completely but I do want to win her heart.. damn im so confused
Chi townD Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 The one thing I dont understand is, why would she come to me after that period of 5 months when she could have gone to her ex? She chose me over him and ive been with her for 3-4 months. How do you know that she did? You weren't around her 24/7. You weren't there anytime she took an e-mail or wrote a text or made a phonecall. Look, you wrote some pretty damning red flags in your orginal post. I'm just trying to point those out to you. Okay, you loved the girl. I get it. But, don't you think that you deserve to be loved just as equally? She's holding a torch for this guy and having you stand on the sidelines HOPING she'll come back to you. How is that fair to you? There are plenty of girls out there that know how to treat a guy right. That KNOWS 100% that they want to be with THEIR MAN and no one else. I guarantee you, if she came back to you but all of the sudden her Ex came back pleading for her to come back to him, she would drop you like yesterday's news. Dude, it's been three months....I think it's time to heal and move on. 1
Author Savaris Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 I know man, and your right, im not a stupid guy I know whats best for me, but theres just something thats drawing me to her, its so weird. and I know it because i'd see it on her fb or hear it from her friends, when they were dating again it was all over the place so yeah.. and about that last part, your wrong because she broke up with him i did ask her if she talks to her ex she told me she did so i was like, ok if you continue talking to him you can just not talk to me anymore gotit? i made my point clear to her..
Author Savaris Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 But what should I do, she keeps initiating contact with me,i dont want to be rude or anything, i do want to win her back..and since were talking again and are emotionally connected again i know i can If I want to win her back, what should i do?
robkris8079 Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 words that make me head for the hills no questions asked! I Love you but not in love with you I'm on and I'm off I'm in and I'm out I don't know what I want I don't know how I feel I'm confused You deserve better then me I suggest everyone follow my lead. If your SO says these words to you just cut your losses. If they figure it out, decide they are in love with you, become unconfused, that is great. It's something they have to do, let them do it on their own while you do your own thing. 3
wilsonx Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 (edited) Shes not cheating, as I stated in my text, she told me that shes in love with her ex, so I know that, but I also know that she has issues, she thinks very lowly of herself and she thinks that she only deserves guys like him You're done! Nothing you can do. she told me shes a big wussy and that shes a big liar and that im the real thing She lied to your face and told you she was going to lie to your face. Really????????? Are you that blind?????? " You twist my heart out stab me in the back and kick me in the balls, let me continue counting the ways Im a total loser for continuing to love you and want you back because I have no self esteem." And she never talked about that guy to me, perhaps she used me by having fun with me There you go, Ive done the same thing before Edited April 23, 2012 by wilsonx
Chi townD Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 If I want to win her back, what should i do? Can someone actually "win" someone back to them? Nah....it's a choice to try and come back. Just like it was a choice to end the relationship. At that point a decision was made to leave each others lives. Hell, you event told her NOT to contact you until she's ready to commit 100% to you. Yet, you're going back on your own word. So, you want to "win" her back. Then don't try to. Start moving on with your life. Start making positive chances for yourself. NC is the way to go. It's used as a tool to help you heal and move on. If she comes back because she misses you and you still want her back at that point. Then okay. Great! It's never used as a tool to try and win someone back. You'll lose everytime. Sometimes NC DOES bring people back together. And there's also cases where NC has brought the Ex back, but the person who went NC has moved on so much so that they rather not get back into a relationship with them again. 1
gibson Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 But what should I do, she keeps initiating contact with me,i dont want to be rude or anything, i do want to win her back..and since were talking again and are emotionally connected again i know i can If I want to win her back, what should i do? You just said you can win a girl back who told you she is in love with someone else. Then, you ask us how to do it. It's never been done before and it's impossible. Please tell us how to get someone to fall out of love with someone else, how to get the person to no longer lie and treat you like crap and to want a guy they never wanted in the first place. 1. She is in love with someone else, not you. 2. You were a rebound and a shoulder to cry on. 3. She doesn't care about or respect you. 4. She lies and said she will continue to lie to you. 5. She cheated emotionally and probably psychically. 6. Her words are lies (which she admits) and her actions are totally different. 7. Etc. I'm very curious to hear how you plan on winning this girl back when you never had her to begin with considering she is in love with someone else.
tears_in_rain Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 Don't be a soundboard or a crutch for this girl. You are a spring she uses to bounce back and forth from the other guy who this girl says she loves. Leave this be. Even if you want her simply as a friend she'll mess with your head. She''ll get close, tell you whats on her mind, say your great and I wish the other guy was more like you in certain ways. Bang ! You think you still have a chance. Then she's back to him or someone else. Save your heart the pound it will go through. Find another girl. Please. There are good ones out there. P.S Find me a spare one. I might need one if my situation goes tits up.
Author Savaris Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 (edited) Shes trying to get over him, and she showed me that she really does careabout me, i mean why would she cry if i tell her im out of her life if its all a game anyways? i cant just drop everything, we've come too far together..she knows her bounderies now thats a good thing, Guys seriously, i know the chemistry was there, why would i stop fighting for something that nice? even when things were impossible before she came back to me.. and she really regretted her mistakes, ive seen that, anyhow the power has shifted now she needs me more than I need her also she came begging because she coudnt live without me, i love her why would I ignore her? These things aside, I never did flirt with her, or talked sexually , i was moreof a friend to her than a lover, the problem lies there...shes afraid of committment because she knowsim serious, and her ex isnt like that.. So yeah, im testing things out now, im flirting with her, im heating conversations up, not showing any desperation, needyness and clingyness, just a cool confident guy whos ok without her.. i havent seen her for a long time but we do talk a lot, once we meet up things might spark up again.. i mean ive been working out constantly because of her, who says i cant attract her back? Thats a good way to go right? What else could I possible do in this situation? nothing, well if I want her back this is the only way to go, because being nice doesnt cut it, learned that the hard way Edited April 23, 2012 by Savaris
Chi townD Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 (edited) So yeah, im testing things out now, im flirting with her, im heating conversations up, not showing any desperation, needyness and clingyness, just a cool confident guy whos ok without her.. Thats a good way to go right? What else could I possible do in this situation? nothing, well if I want her back this is the only way to go, because being nice doesnt cut it, learned that the hard way What good is all of that if she isn't responsive?!?! I mean, Christ on a bike, dude! There are 7 billion people on this planet and you are sooo screwed up on one chick!! Dude, she's a cake eater. Right now, she has the best of both worlds. She's got the "good guy" (you) that seems to have a stable life and knows where he's going in life and will stroke her ego anytime she calls. Tells her things she wants to hear that her Ex won't say to her. Then, she gets the challange and the excitement of trying to get her Ex interested in her again and probably falling all over herself for any breadcrumbs he throws her way. AND (even though you don't believe me) probably gave him a couple of bootycalls to try to get him interested again. Why would she want to change the status quo? If you don't think NC is the way to go just yet, then fine. Call her up with the do or die question. I want to get back together with you and you alone. If she can't give you a straight yes or no. Then, you have your answer. If it's no, then start NC. She either gets 100% of you or nothing at all. Stop letting her use you. And the sad part is, you know she's doing it!!!! Edited April 23, 2012 by Chi townD
Author Savaris Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 (edited) Lol, its hard man.. i really did try to get over her it doenst feel right, i mean ive had this before with others but I got over them why isnt it working with her.. im trying to not be available to her.. im not responding immediately so im not stroking her ego ,also im not saying things she want to hear anymore. I just told u that she broke up with her ex, it doesnt work out with him, and i knew that all along. I dont think she did that, she doesnt just have sex with anyone, and I thought giving a girl a ultimatum is a bad thing? Ive talked with her about this before she told me that she didnt know what to choose, when I said all or nothing.. so were still in the middle then.. i really think this is the best way to go now, trying this approach, IF i hear or see that she went back to her ex or any other dude, ill definitely use NC, ill use the exact words u just wrote. But until now she NEVER talked about some other guy to me, or ive never seen her flirt with some guy on facebook. She also once told me i first have to get over him if I want to start something with you, because i care too much about you, btw NC is just basicly ignore her right? until she says i want you back or smth Edited April 23, 2012 by Savaris
Chi townD Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 Lol, its hard man.. i really did try to get over her it doenst feel right, i mean ive had this before with others but I got over them why isnt it working with her.. im trying to not be available to her.. im not responding immediately so im not stroking her ego ,also im not saying things she want to hear anymore. I just told u that she broke up with her ex, it doesnt work out with him, and i knew that all along. I dont think she did that, she doesnt just have sex with anyone, and I thought giving a girl a ultimatum is a bad thing? Ive talked with her about this before she told me that she didnt know what to choose, when I said all or nothing.. so were still in the middle then.. i really think this is the best way to go now, trying this approach, IF i hear or see that she went back to her ex or any other dude, ill definitely use NC, ill use the exact words u just wrote. But until now she NEVER talked about some other guy to me, or ive never seen her flirt with some guy on facebook. She also once told me i first have to get over him if I want to start something with you, because i care too much about you, btw NC is just basicly ignore her right? until she says i want you back or smth I... give up.... Okay, yes NC is not only ignoring her but cutting her out of your life so you can heal and move on. And yes, you are stroking her ego. You stated that you don't IMMEDIATELY respond you her....but you do eventually. She doesn't have sex with just anyone. Well, and Ex boyfriend isn't just ANYONE, it's someone she VERY familar with. Okay, she broke up with him. It was a calulated guess that didn't work out in her favor. She was HOPING he would pine for her, beg for her to come back. Guess what? Did happen the way she hoped. THEN, she sweeted the pot and got you involved. He still wasn't taking the bait. But, you turned out to be a nice guy that she didn't want to let go of just in case Ex doesn't come back, she still has the nice guy. Okay, so you proposed this to her before? Do it again. Tell her that you can't put your life on hold forever. Right now, yes or no. Then that's it. If it's yes, then she can't be in contact with her Ex at all. You want 100% commitment on her part. If she says no, then you move on. If she says she can't decide, then you decide for her and move on. You're living in limbo and that's totally not fair to you. And don't fall for that " I hope we can still be friends" crap. 1
Forever Learning Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 I... give up.... Okay, yes NC is not only ignoring her but cutting her out of your life so you can heal and move on. And yes, you are stroking her ego. You stated that you don't IMMEDIATELY respond you her....but you do eventually. She doesn't have sex with just anyone. Well, and Ex boyfriend isn't just ANYONE, it's someone she VERY familar with. Okay, she broke up with him. It was a calulated guess that didn't work out in her favor. She was HOPING he would pine for her, beg for her to come back. Guess what? Did happen the way she hoped. THEN, she sweeted the pot and got you involved. He still wasn't taking the bait. But, you turned out to be a nice guy that she didn't want to let go of just in case Ex doesn't come back, she still has the nice guy. Okay, so you proposed this to her before? Do it again. Tell her that you can't put your life on hold forever. Right now, yes or no. Then that's it. If it's yes, then she can't be in contact with her Ex at all. You want 100% commitment on her part. If she says no, then you move on. If she says she can't decide, then you decide for her and move on. You're living in limbo and that's totally not fair to you. And don't fall for that " I hope we can still be friends" crap. This sounds pretty good to me, this advice (above). But Savaris, whatever you choose to do (such as the "Push/Pull" tactics you mentioned earlier) - Please DO keep us posted! I am curious to see what success you have. I am not saying that sarcastically, I am being sincere. Whatever you do, just keep us posted. I want to see what works and what doesn't. Cheers and best of luck to you!
GaelicSoul Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 I remember when my Ex said this to me. Here is what i done.
mike588 Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 My ex. g/f told me the same thing... I love you but I'm NOT in love with you. Like the other posters said....it's over..move on...I agree!
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