setsenia Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 I can't tell you how much not getting along with our in laws has been detrimental to our relationship and marriage. My father is narcissistic and has ADD. He is very superficial and hasn't done a thing for my brother and I past high school. Barely supported us until 18. He makes superficial comments about my weight, marriage and remarks about my husband. My H's father passed when he was 16 and his mother and stepfather have never made an effort to be a big part of his life. They have treated him horribly, his mother just makes excuses for her lack of being emotionally there for him all his life. (She was young, got pregnant and was dealing with childhood issues) so she blames her lack of oxytocin on "forgetting to invite him to family events" and making an overall effort to be a part of his life. She makes it clear her husband and dogs are more important to her than him. Whatever he says goes. I wonder how we will manage this once children are in the picture. I have to admit there have been times I seriously wondered what it would be like to be with someone who has a normal family, because my own is already chaotic. I know he cannot help his background, but with my own neglect and abuse history, I always wanted loving and caring in-laws. Thankfully, his father's side is normal. Does anyone have a similar situation? How do you cope if you dislike each others families?
coffeecat Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 Meh. I don't know how old you are but I think if you live long enough and meet enough people you will find that all families have some dysfunction and chaos. Loving, perfect families are the stuff of TV sitcoms. All you can do is provide a loving nuclear family with your own children. I come from an abusive household and married a man from an abusive household. We both are healing. Healing is a life-long process. The best thing I did was always read parenting magazines and books and surrounded myself with mommy support groups and devoted myself to raising my children differently. In some ways I think I failed and went way off in the opposite direction because my teenagers are currently acting really spoiled and selfish. Perhaps its just their age- but that's not the point. The point is you and your husband should just do the best you can with your own children. What is "normal" is subjective.
Author setsenia Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 Good point. I also plan to limit their contact with these relatives. For one, they haven't earned that entitlement and second, I don't want to subject and surround my kids to the hostility and chaos until they are older and decide they want to know what the "grandparents" are really all about. Thankfully my my mom is really the only one we could trust if we had kids.
findingnemo Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 You can't choose your relatives but you can sure minimize contact. Do whatever you feel is necessary to achieve peace of mind. Remove negative people from your life but also accept them as they are. Chaos begets chaos, IME. I have personally rejected many members of my extended family because they bring nothing good to the table and I have enough things to deal with. Do the same. 1
standtall Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 She makes it clear her husband and dogs are more important to her than him. Whatever he says goes. A married couple should always put their spouses before their children..particularly grown ones. She is married to him, not you or your husband, so IMHO, you can't blame her for that. The dogs however are not excusable. They will reap what they sow. I wonder how we will manage this once children are in the picture. I have to admit there have been times I seriously wondered what it would be like to be with someone who has a normal family, because my own is already chaotic. I know he cannot help his background, but with my own neglect and abuse history, I always wanted loving and caring in-laws. Thankfully, his father's side is normal. Does anyone have a similar situation? How do you cope if you dislike each others families? I can relate since my in laws are quite disfunctional as well. I found that when we married and had 3 children, our family became the center of the extended family's social functions, so we invited them when we should have, and left the rest up to them. We new we couldn't force them to change, so we just accepted them the way they were and made our own way.
stillafool Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 How do you cope if you dislike each others families? Stay away from them. If they are making your lives miserable why do you feel you have to expose yourself to them? Just stay away.
Author setsenia Posted April 24, 2012 Author Posted April 24, 2012 A married couple should always put their spouses before their children..particularly grown ones. She is married to him, not you or your husband, so IMHO, you can't blame her for that. The dogs however are not excusable. They will reap what they sow. Well, she married when he was 10 and it has always been this way. Even before he was an adult and living with them. They would just leave him home all the time and go out to eat dinner by themselves. LOL
standtall Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 Well, she married he was 10 and it has always been this way. Even before he was an adult and living with them. They would just leave him home all the time and go out to eat dinner by themselves. LOL Well, I was just responding to your OP. What you describe above is bad parenting, not necessarily putting you spouse before your children. He has to let go of the bad parenting resentment and make an effort not to do the same when he is a parent...... I had to. Awareness of it will most likely prevent it anyway.
Author setsenia Posted April 24, 2012 Author Posted April 24, 2012 Also, what do you think of her blaming her lack of maternal instinct on forgetting to invite him to family events? I really don't think maternal instinct has much to do with inviting someone somewhere. It seems more like an excuse. I guess what I meant by her putting her husband first is that he has made it clear that he has never considered my H a stepson or family. The guy basically ignores us every time we see them. His mom hosted birthday over at their house and they hardly spoke him at all. (Not to mention they wanted us to bring my H's cake >_<) Why would you plan a party for someone and then not even bother to spend time or talk with them? There was only about 7 of us total. Her H is very controlling and I think she doesn't talk to us much because she doesn't want to upset her H too much. He couldn't be happier about her not having a relationship with her son.
standtall Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 Also, what do you think of her blaming her lack of maternal instinct on forgetting to invite him to family events? I really don't think maternal instinct has much to do with inviting someone somewhere. It seems more like an excuse. I guess what I meant by her putting her husband first is that he has made it clear that he has never considered my H a stepson or family. The guy basically ignores us every time we see them. His mom hosted birthday over at their house and they hardly spoke him at all. (Not to mention they wanted us to bring my H's cake >_<) Why would you plan a party for someone and then not even bother to spend time or talk with them? There was only about 7 of us total. Her H is very controlling and I think she doesn't talk to us much because she doesn't want to upset her H too much. He couldn't be happier about her not having a relationship with her son. The answers to the nature of you and your husband's relationship to your H's stepmother and father is spelled out above. It is what it is, what more do you need to see? You and your H are definitely on the receiving end of some very poor behavior and not very important to them. Bitching and moaning is not going to change it. Fine, your right and she is wrong.....so what? Do you think that if you sit them down and explain to them what an injustice it is for them to treat you/husband this way, do you think she is going to get down on her knees and beg for forgiveness? If yes, then sit down and tell her, then forgive them and drop it. If no, then move on and deal with them differently than you have in the past. You can't change them, you can only change the way you deal with them, and that may change the way they respond to you.
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