The truth about d-day

April 28, 2012

HF,

You asked why the OW would have such distain for the BW pre d-day, that would be a good topic for a new thread.

My guess would be, it is as simple as the BW has something that she wants.

(the MM)

April 28, 2012

sky,

Usually when a wife gets suspicious and the H keeps denying, she starts looking for evidence.

If evidence is found, sometimes she keeps quiet while gathering more info, until he hangs himself with something he can't talk his way out of.

Then she uses all the evidence to file for divorce.

Yes, my story as well.

April 28, 2012

HF,

You asked why the OW would have such distain for the BW pre d-day, that would be a good topic for a new thread.

My guess would be, it is as simple as the BW has something that she wants.
(the MM)

I agree and not only does the BW have what the OW wants, the BW is taking him for granted. She just doesn't realize how lucky she is. He is such a good man who deserves to be adored but she couldn't care less. She probably never loved him anyway. Don't we hear so much how people rarely marry the people they are in love with? She hoodwinked him and now that she has that ring on her finger, he is her prisoner. Life is so unfair. Here I (the OW) am and this is the perfect man for me just as I am the perfect woman for him but he is legally bound to that horrid woman!! Their kids are lovely though. They should have been mine, ours. I'm a much better mother. Can you imagine how precious a child of our blood would be? I would put those children above and beyond everything else. The BW doenst care about the children. She takes them for granted too and doesn't give them as much love and attention as she should. I know I could make them feel so loved and safe...even if they aren't mine. I'd love them simply because I love their father....and more along those lines.

This line of thinking is totally encouraged by the MM. He may even protest a bit at hearing these sentiments but all this crap thinking is created by him. He tells the OW stuff about the kids, stuff that it seems are very easy to sort out. The OW imagines that she would have handled things differently. Obviously the BW doesn't care about her H's needs otherwise why would he be with the OW. He is there enjoying her food, the foot massages, he says the sex is amazing, he tells her he never knew women like her existed, and much more.

Yes, the BW has what the OW wants BUT the BW seems to be treating it like it's nothing special. By virtue of the fact that the MM keeps coming back into the arms of the OW, into her home, there must be some serious flaw with the BW. She has what the OW wants and the OW believes she doesn't deserve it.

Total disdain for the BW is what makes it possible for the OW to keep going in the A. Without it, without somehow thinking the BW is different (and not in a better way), there is simply no way to justify f***ing another woman's H. Unfortunately, we only realize this after we've been in the A for a while or even after we are out of the A and for many on Dday...when nothing but the whole truth surfaces and it's nothing like one thought it was.

April 28, 2012

nemo,

I think you out did yourself!

Just recently at my grandchildren's softball game, a girl who my H dated in high school came up and sat by me.

She started talking about all the fun their group had, and how all of H's former flames were very upset that he had chosen an out of town girl to marry.

She then confided that they all wished I would just go back to where I came from!

So i felt the need to tell her we both dated lots of different people in high school, and that my H and I were only pen pals during this time. We only got serious a year after we graduated.

She shut up real fast and now is always friendly to me at the games!

April 28, 2012

I agree and not only does the BW have what the OW wants, the BW is taking him for granted. She just doesn't realize how lucky she is. He is such a good man who deserves to be adored but she couldn't care less. She probably never loved him anyway. Don't we hear so much how people rarely marry the people they are in love with? She hoodwinked him and now that she has that ring on her finger, he is her prisoner. Life is so unfair. Here I (the OW) am and this is the perfect man for me just as I am the perfect woman for him but he is legally bound to that horrid woman!! Their kids are lovely though. They should have been mine, ours. I'm a much better mother. Can you imagine how precious a child of our blood would be? I would put those children above and beyond everything else. The BW doenst care about the children. She takes them for granted too and doesn't give them as much love and attention as she should. I know I could make them feel so loved and safe...even if they aren't mine. I'd love them simply because I love their father....and more along those lines.

This line of thinking is totally encouraged by the MM. He may even protest a bit at hearing these sentiments but all this crap thinking is created by him. He tells the OW stuff about the kids, stuff that it seems are very easy to sort out. The OW imagines that she would have handled things differently. Obviously the BW doesn't care about her H's needs otherwise why would he be with the OW. He is there enjoying her food, the foot massages, he says the sex is amazing, he tells her he never knew women like her existed, and much more.

Yes, the BW has what the OW wants BUT the BW seems to be treating it like it's nothing special. By virtue of the fact that the MM keeps coming back into the arms of the OW, into her home, there must be some serious flaw with the BW. She has what the OW wants and the OW believes she doesn't deserve it.

Total disdain for the BW is what makes it possible for the OW to keep going in the A. Without it, without somehow thinking the BW is different (and not in a better way), there is simply no way to justify f***ing another woman's H. Unfortunately, we only realize this after we've been in the A for a while or even after we are out of the A and for many on Dday...when nothing but the whole truth surfaces and it's nothing like one thought it was.

I think this post is brilliantly honest! I think this is EXACTLY the scenario created by projection and assumptions and I agree the MP doesn't really try to negate any of it as he/she is having WAAAAAY too much fun with all that adoration atop his pedestal!

When Dday hit in my sitch, I went ...mmmm a little nuts:o like a true broken-hearted woman scorned and I think it may have been the first time the OW realized that my reaction was NOT that of an unloving, uncaring spouse.

I was broken-hearted and so were my children and there were times of non-stop crying, angry phone calls between I and my H alternating with times when I would not pick up his phone call for days.

And in all the ensuing drama and the drama he brought to her kitchen table, she had to have had the inklings of realizing all was not as she had been led to, or wanted to believe.

To this day, I feel sad for what the weeks after dday must have portented for her and her feelings.

April 30, 2012

We read here about d-day a lot. My question to the OW/FOW is:

You were not personally there, so the info you receive about d-day is only through the MM. How do you know he is not totally lying about what happened?

For the MM that said they left or filed for divorce, how do you know if it wasn't really the wife that kicked him out and filed for divorce?

We know for a fact the majority of divorces in the US are filed by the wife.

I was sure he was lying there couldn't be an "other woman" when he told me he was leaving but he left me anyway even though I begged him not to go. He probably did not tell her I begged him to stay he probably told her I said go so that she would not feel bad about him leaving me crying and begging him to stay I hate them both.

April 30, 2012

Nemo, Unfortunately for me and my unknowing family... this is exactly what the other woman I was involved with thought. I am not sure how since she knew my wife for years previous to the affair. i didn't know how much she had felt she was in competition with my DW. For years. And my wife was very good at everything she did and does. She quickly moved up the corporate ladder ahead of the OW. She eventually left the company we all worked for to work at a much more prestigious and lucrative company. It angered OW so much she turned on my wife and came on to me. Drunken, stupid me should have seen it coming. I have never regretted a choice so much in my life. And I doubt I have ever hurt another human being so deeply either.

April 30, 2012

Nemo, Unfortunately for me and my unknowing family... this is exactly what the other woman I was involved with thought. I am not sure how since she knew my wife for years previous to the affair. i didn't know how much she had felt she was in competition with my DW. For years. And my wife was very good at everything she did and does. She quickly moved up the corporate ladder ahead of the OW. She eventually left the company we all worked for to work at a much more prestigious and lucrative company. It angered OW so much she turned on my wife and came on to me. Drunken, stupid me should have seen it coming. I have never regretted a choice so much in my life. And I doubt I have ever hurt another human being so deeply either.

I sensed this about the OW in my sitch. She never missed an opportunity to tell him how much more she would appreciate him than I did.

In fact, she went out of her way to show up unexpectedly at a place where we were out socializing with another couple. She was invited to join the group briefly and I went and bought her a drink.

Imagine that? She wanted to meet the woman she intended to best.

Even OW here at LS were appalled by that behavior.

Sometimes, an affair is about competing with the BS.

April 30, 2012

Your MM sounds like a classic narcissist. I dated one of these before. Of course he was cavalier about their private conversations....because he was likely lying and knew it wouldn't be challenged.

She could've demanded anything she wanted. A narcissist isn't likely to give it to her or care about her feelings when she doesn't get it.

Sounds really typical to me.

Narcissist, no. Narcissistic tendencies, yes. I can usually tell when xMM is relaying something truthfully or embellishing/exaggerating a story (although I don’t call him on it). There’s a difference in the way his conversation flows. It’s usually reserved for professional and/or social situations, not family/W. It’s not like the conversations make xMM look favorable, they make him look like a total assh*le. I’m not just blindly believing what he tells me, I’m going by the person I know him to be over 8yrs and the things I’ve seen, heard, and experienced first hand. Sometimes I think I have the worst xMM in how he treated/related to his W and M.

The bolded seems to be true.

BrighterWashing, your post provided some understanding. As I said, I am very grateful that we weren’t confronted. I can’t imagine what that would have been like nor how it was for her. I don’t know if it would have been “better” or not to confront. On one side, she would have at least a piece of the truth, the main piece, that he did cheat on her. On the other hand, I’m not sure their M would have made it if she did. I really am sorry that she found out the way that she did. I never thought about the humiliation that she might have felt besides the shock and pain. I would never have wished that kind of dday on her.

April 30, 2012

Nemo, Unfortunately for me and my unknowing family... this is exactly what the other woman I was involved with thought. I am not sure how since she knew my wife for years previous to the affair. i didn't know how much she had felt she was in competition with my DW. For years. And my wife was very good at everything she did and does. She quickly moved up the corporate ladder ahead of the OW. She eventually left the company we all worked for to work at a much more prestigious and lucrative company. It angered OW so much she turned on my wife and came on to me. Drunken, stupid me should have seen it coming. I have never regretted a choice so much in my life. And I doubt I have ever hurt another human being so deeply either.

Wow. Let me get this straight...the OW was jealous of your W because they were competing in their careers and worked for the same company? And the OW in revenge of your W's obvious success decided to seduce you? She basically hit her where it hurt most!

I wish you knew how many times this has happened before. A woman will be pi$$ed at another woman for whatever reason and if she thinks the other one is proud of her happy M, she'll target the H. it doesn't have to be about the career, it could be anything. It happens. That must have been very difficult for you two when you discovered that it was all just a power play. Dang!!! But you very thing's good with you and your W right?

April 30, 2012

Let me say this about Thomas' W, if I may. Yes she loves her H and was good enough to forgive him and all. However, remember that she knew the OW, knew how she thought, etc. They were enemies...well sort of in the corporate battle arena. So while she could have been angry, I can see why she sensed immediately that the OW's sole motivation was to rob her of some of her happiness. The OW took the battle out of the proper forum and into her home!! Even I would have stayed M in this case. If someone is competing with me openly and then seduces my H, I'll be damned if I let her win. If I'm leaving my M, it will be on my terms, not because of her. Oh well, I guess I'm ultra competitive by nature when it comes to "my things". But if a OW were obviously trying to one up you, what would you have done?

LG, I do agree though that a MM has to give the OW the ammunition she uses to fire at the BW. Without ammunition, she can't possibly be motivated in any way to start a war. Sometimes that ammunition is as simple as being with the OW in the first place.

My xMM never said a bad word about his W. But I did have my ideas about what could be wrong. I did send out spies to figure put precisely what their problems were. The more I found out about her, the more I realized she and I were almost the same. I'm one of those who through sleuthing actually found out that the BW wasn't bad in any way. And when I asked her H why he was cheating, his only answer was that he loved me...and he loved her. Being competitive by nature and quite territorial, this revelation was the beginning of the end. It didn't take long for me to see the facts.

April 30, 2012

Let me say this about Thomas' W, if I may. Yes she loves her H and was good enough to forgive him and all. However, remember that she knew the OW, knew how she thought, etc. They were enemies...well sort of in the corporate battle arena. So while she could have been angry, I can see why she sensed immediately that the OW's sole motivation was to rob her of some of her happiness. The OW took the battle out of the proper forum and into her home!! Even I would have stayed M in this case. If someone is competing with me openly and then seduces my H, I'll be damned if I let her win. If I'm leaving my M, it will be on my terms, not because of her. Oh well, I guess I'm ultra competitive by nature when it comes to "my things". But if a OW were obviously trying to one up you, what would you have done?

LG, I do agree though that a MM has to give the OW the ammunition she uses to fire at the BW. Without ammunition, she can't possibly be motivated in any way to start a war. Sometimes that ammunition is as simple as being with the OW in the first place.

My xMM never said a bad word about his W. But I did have my ideas about what could be wrong. I did send out spies to figure put precisely what their problems were. The more I found out about her, the more I realized she and I were almost the same. I'm one of those who through sleuthing actually found out that the BW wasn't bad in any way. And when I asked her H why he was cheating, his only answer was that he loved me...and he loved her. Being competitive by nature and quite territorial, this revelation was the beginning of the end. It didn't take long for me to see the facts.

Must say I am enjoying some of your recent posts!

Can't quite wrap my head around that level of competition, but I can kind of see your point about not wanting her to win. Still, it has to say something about the MM at the time. Although, my own experience is very few men can't be seduced - most are pushovers. Too bad, really.

April 30, 2012

Must say I am enjoying some of your recent posts!
Can't quite wrap my head around that level of competition, but I can kind of see your point about not wanting her to win. Still, it has to say something about the MM at the time. Although, my own experience is very few men can't be seduced - most are pushovers. Too bad, really.

I believe that anybody can be seduced in a moment of weakness. I agree with you, Wo. If someone is determined enough to use your vulnerabilities against you, they can actually succeed. So we human beings figured out how not to allow ourselves to get into compromising situations. Drink too much, and you may end up waking up next to someone you don't know:sick:. Take drugs and you can do something really stupid to jeopardize your much loved job. Take a gun to a quarrel and you may end up on death row. Eff around indiscriminately and you could get a gift that keeps on giving, etc, etc, etc.

I'm glad you're enjoying my posts. Frankly they make me a bit sad because it's quite pathetic when you think about it. I'm talking about the things OW are "encouraged" to think when it comes to the mysterious BW. The urge to remove that mystery by downgrading her to something we can look down upon so that we can sleep easily at night. Granted, it's not our doing per se. But still...how could it have ever made sense????

April 30, 2012

Wow. Let me get this straight...the OW was jealous of your W because they were competing in their careers and worked for the same company? And the OW in revenge of your W's obvious success decided to seduce you? She basically hit her where it hurt most!

I wish you knew how many times this has happened before. A woman will be pi$$ed at another woman for whatever reason and if she thinks the other one is proud of her happy M, she'll target the H. it doesn't have to be about the career, it could be anything. It happens. That must have been very difficult for you two when you discovered that it was all just a power play. Dang!!! But you very thing's good with you and your W right?

More common than you can even imagine, unfortunately.

I call them "Spidey Woman." And they are out there.

In these cases it is less about the man, and more about besting a more successful woman.

Scary stuff, no?

April 30, 2012

More common than you can even imagine, unfortunately.

I call them "Spidey Woman." And they are out there.

In these cases it is less about the man, and more about besting a more successful woman.

Scary stuff, no?

Yes, extremely scary. I can't even fathom how someone can even think like that. Sociopathic tendencies.

April 30, 2012

More common than you can even imagine, unfortunately.

I call them "Spidey Woman." And they are out there.

In these cases it is less about the man, and more about besting a more successful woman.

Scary stuff, no?

Oh I can imagine it alright. In my society we are still a bit behind in the times. To many women, their M and their H is like a trophy. They wear their titles (Mrs.) and their H's last name like a badge. It's not uncommon at all that someone angry at them will try to humiliate them by...yes, sleeping with that trophy. Unfortunately it's worse with the men. It's well known that the easier way to psychologically beat your enemy is by sleeping with his W and making sure everybody finds out. It's all about showing the person that they are so NOt in control that the thing they value the most, is there for the taking. That's why I can understand what happened to Thomas. It's just sick.

April 30, 2012

Yes, extremely scary. I can't even fathom how someone can even think like that. Sociopathic tendencies.

Agree! And they specifically target MM.

Once in a while we have a poster here who almost always prefers MM. It makes the game all that much more interesting for them.

And yes....the pathology runs really, really deep.

But, c'mon? Seducing a MM is like shooting fish in a barrel. Unfortunately, not that hard to do at all. Some women know that and use that to their advantage, whether it be psychological, emotional or financial.

April 30, 2012

Oh I can imagine it alright. In my society we are still a bit behind in the times. To many women, their M and their H is like a trophy. They wear their titles (Mrs.) and their H's last name like a badge. It's not uncommon at all that someone angry at them will try to humiliate them by...yes, sleeping with that trophy. Unfortunately it's worse with the men. It's well known that the easier way to psychologically beat your enemy is by sleeping with his W and making sure everybody finds out. It's all about showing the person that they are so NOt in control that the thing they value the most, is there for the taking. That's why I can understand what happened to Thomas. It's just sick.

Yes! it has less, if anything, to do with love or romance, neglect or attention, and everything to do with power and control and domination.

A sick ego boost, indeed!

April 30, 2012

They are, indeed, very blessed. And she is quite classy and forgiving. It must have been really hard forgiving a man that risked his entire marriage, and hurt such an amazing woman, for an undeserving and calculating OW.

It's hard enough forgiving a man who would take such an enormous risk to have an affair where there is mutual attraction, feelings, passion, etc. It must be absolutely devastating to find out that your husband would risk his marriage, his kids happiness, his career - for someone so lowly! When you are such an accomplished woman, it must be even harder to forgive your husband for betraying you just to serve a another woman's motives, especially if she is inferior to you.

The added detail of it being an "enemy" is less of a stretch than the betrayal itself. It is hard forgiving no matter the additional circumstances. The emphasis of the OW being "inferior" seems to be more from your understanding of Thomas' case IMO. As others have said, the competition and jealousy in the job arena, spilled over into the personal life. Thomas allowed himself to participate and has seen the error and works to make sure it never happens again...right Thomas:cool:.

April 30, 2012

They are, indeed, very blessed. And she is quite classy and forgiving. It must have been really hard forgiving a man that risked his entire marriage, and hurt such an amazing woman, for an undeserving and calculating OW.

It's hard enough forgiving a man who would take such an enormous risk to have an affair where there is mutual attraction, feelings, passion, etc. It must be absolutely devastating to find out that your husband would risk his marriage, his kids happiness, his career - for someone so lowly! When you are such an accomplished woman, it must be even harder to forgive your husband for betraying you just to serve a another woman's motives, especially if she is inferior to you.

Hmmmm....

Some affairs are about risking it all for mutual attraction, feelings, passion etc.

And some are about too much alcohol and whispering in some drunk MM's ear, "I have no underwear on....Want to play? Cuz I find you oh so attractive."

Let's not confuse the two types, ok?

May 1, 2012

Wow, redcurls! Who sounds bitter here? I don't think it is my wife!

Thank you, Bent. You have the right of it. So do you Spark.

Nemo, I too have really enjoyed your posts larely. Have you found the fountain of wisdom?

May 1, 2012

Wow, redcurls! Who sounds bitter here? I don't think it is my wife!
Thank you, Bent. You have the right of it. So do you Spark.
Nemo, I too have really enjoyed your posts larely. Have you found the fountain of wisdom?

Your wife? Why should she be bitter? I think that she is truly a very kind and forgiving person. She has no reason to be bitter.

After all, it wasn't your wife who was seduced just for the sake of hurting another woman. It's not your wife who knows that she wasn't attractive enough to be desired. It's not your wife who feels ashamed about betraying her morals and values for a bit of sex with a calculating woman. Why should she be bitter?

May 1, 2012

I don't believe I am the subject of this thread. I know you wish to make this a personal debate. That is against T>O>S>. You will now be on ignore. Back to the discussion.

May 1, 2012

The thread topic is about d-day and is directed to OW/OM's and their knowledge/perspective/opinion on the facts/observations surrounding it. Let's stick to the topic.

May 1, 2012

The thread topic is about d-day and is directed to OW/OM's and their knowledge/perspective/opinion on the facts/observations surrounding it. Let's stick to the topic.

I have personal knowledge that it is in fact very common for OW/MM to have an agreement that anything that is said by the MM in connection to Dday should be disregarded as it is likely to merely be the MM trying to avoid to hurt his wife further and thus has no actual bearing on reality.

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