nocluewhat2do Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 (edited) Hello Everyone, My first post here, so please go easy on me if I haven't followed the any of the posting guidelines. Alight, there's this girl I'm engaged to. Both of us live on different sides of the planet - with a 12 hour time difference. Me in EST and she in IST. As with 90% of marriages within the IST time zone, ours is going to be an arranged marriage. I knew her for about a week before both of us had to say yes or no to the arrangement. I'm DEAD against arranged marriages. Anyways, she was completely honest about her past, including her boyfriend/best-friend with whom things did not work out. I really loved and appreciated this honesty from her. Besides she was easy to talk to and we gelled as well. I told her I did not care about her past, as long as she doesn't bring it into our present or future. This included absolutely not staying in touch with her ex/best-friend. She said yes and I see the effort she puts in - no texts, phone calls, no running into each other, no inviting to our wedding, no FB, etc etc. That's all good and I like that about her a lot. Fastforward 4 months and we've been making long distance calls to each and speaking on the phone for crazy hours. We have begun feeling comfortable with each other and yearning to meet ASAP. She says she loves me and I do too, completely. Unfortunately, there is no way for me read her body language (or for to read mine). Occasionally she mentions her ex in a positive wey and it just breaks my heart. I mean, if he was so good why isn't she with him now? He has this medical condition and she recently said that she gets worried about his health every now and then. This feels like a dagger in my heart. I do not care about what happened physcially before, but its this emotional attachment that literally kills me. I cannot go through this feeling - I cannot put both of us through this. What do I do? I hate this feeling. Do I suppress these feelings? Do I need to re-think the whole relationship? I really like, no love this girl. I'll be heartbroken if I lost her, but isn't it better to feel bad for a few months/years rather than for the rest of our lives? Please help me out here folks, really looking forward to your responses. p.s: The medical condition thing - she told me about that when we first met and if at all she would meet him, it's only going to be if he's in a serious medical condition. So yes, I knew about it before. Edited April 23, 2012 by nocluewhat2do
january2011 Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 You and she have an arranged marriage. I know it's different from a forced marriage but still wonder how much flexibility you have now that you've both agreed to go through with it. If you have a good relationship with your parents, why don't you talk to them about your doubts and ask their advice regarding what you should do?
Author nocluewhat2do Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 (edited) Thanks January2011. Yes, it's not a forced marriage by any stretch of the imagination. Both of us were given absolute freedom in either saying yes or no. I do have an excellent relationship with my parents, they are my life. But, unfortunately this is something that I cannot speak to them about. If I told them that my fiance has an ex, they would either call off the whole thing or never look at her the same way again. This would be very bad considering the fact that they have really bonded with my fiance and my fiance loves them too. Not mention, its just not fair to judge someone based on their past. I've got soo many close and important people in life, but no one to talk to about topics such as this. I miss her a lot and love her even more... Edited April 23, 2012 by nocluewhat2do
january2011 Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 In which case, I suggest talking to your fiance and telling her how you feel when she mentions her ex. On your side, I think you also need to examine why this makes you feel insecure. You know she cannot change her past, so it is up to you to accept it.
Author nocluewhat2do Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 Thanks again. Yes, I'll speak to hear about this. She's got her finals coming up, so probably the next week. From my side, the reason why I feel bad is largely due to the fact that I'm not in the same physical location. This makes me feel that I'm not emotionally available to her. I feel like I could have given her so much love, affection and attention if I was in the same city, so much that she'd be able to wipe out the past from her memory. Thanks again and I'll let you know how she responds to our talk.
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