faceit Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 This is my first time but I really need a supportive group. I've been dating my ex. for 4.5 years and we broke up about 1-2 months ago (it was a long, dragged-out process). This was my first relationship and needless to say, if I wasn't serious about something or someone I wouldn't put the effort into it. We lived together for 3.5 years and he keeps insisting he wants to make the place we were living in a home, a place for us. However, 1 year or so into it... I was told by someone close to him that I needed to "prove myself" to be worthy for him. We were raised very differently so adjusting to living together was a challenge. Around that time I just finished school and needed to focus on my caeer so I told him I needed to get out of the country - partly because I was receiving so much pressure to prove that I was a "good girlfriend." Anyways, we maintained a long-distance relationship and I just focused on work. I trusted my ex and he does with I. We maintained by blogging, talking on the phone, etc. regularly. It was all good and then I realized it was time to return since its not fair to have him waiting. I was hoping the time away will improve our communication. It did! We moved back in together and this time around we were both more understanding and accepting of our differences. We made our place work for us. We always talked about children, marriage, how to raise a family, etc. Then one day he decided to drop a bomb and me and tell me that I needed to sign a prenup if we were ever to get married. Now, although, i come from a family not having alot... i've always been taught to fend for myself. I paid for my own education, managed to get my own car and even help out my parents monthly (even though I wasn't living at home). I never asked for lavish gifts and he once asked to buy me a $500 purse and I said no. His family bought me expensive gifts and I rarely use it because well, it wasn't me. I was extremely offended by the request and it sort of hurts my character,... to me it implied that I was with him because I was gold-digging. Although, he changed his mind afterwards, I still cannot get over how judged I felt. I told him the only way I can ever marry him is if he proved that he can trust me. For me, it feels like we're already setting up our marriage for failure? Anyways... we ended up breaking up because I asked him to choose. If he waned money or me and he chose the former... although he said "I care about money but that doesn't I don't love you..." Although i won't go into too much details, i had a hard 1-2 months, i was even asked one day by him if i was pretending to love him for 4.5 years because again someone close to him questioned my love for him. I felt even more insulted. I know it is partly my fault, i'm not the type of individual who shows her feelings easily but it hurts... I've been taught to be strong and move on... I would be perfectly happy if he gave everything away and we just moved to another country without other influencers. People around us always thought we were the "it" couple and when i broke the news to my friends, i didn't find the comfort I was seeking. Part of me still wondered how it got so bad but at the same time, I feel like I can never know because I will keep asking questions and it is what it is. Anyways, i accepted the fact that the relationship is over... even though my heart was set on him on forever. After a month, I wanted to send him a letter to stay friends... my reason is that this man has been my best friend for 4.5 years and how do you lose that? You share your whole life with him, you lived with him. I was never particularly close to my family so he was it. Although, at the end of it all, he didn't know me as well as i thought he did, I still shared everything with him. I received a message recently and it was merely, "you still have stuff here, do you want it back." There wasn't, how are you? how are you doing? How do you know when someone has completely given up? I know this is it... but at what point does a guy really completely give up? I guess more importantly, when does the pain go away? Since this is my first breakup and i am really stubborn , should i give back all the gifts? I want to return them because to me it feels like he thinks money is everything. I don't come from alot so I don't need to take alot. I guess i needed some advise on what went wrong. Don't get me wrong, my ex was a wonderful person and while I wish the best for him, i am still bitter. It just didn't work out and we had different values... I feel so alone.
Philosoraptor Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 You need to focus on yourself and not on him. If getting rid of the gifts would make you feel better, then get rid of them. You don't need to send them back no matter how expensive they were. Just toss them or sell them and use the money to pamper yourself. Right now your main goal is to treat yourself well. Take time and get to know yourself again and foster your own growth. Also in future posts try to use paragraphs as many here will not try to read through a wall of text.
Author faceit Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 Thanks for the advice and the encouragement. You're right, just need to trek along. I appreciate your response. ^^
dangoldie Posted April 29, 2012 Posted April 29, 2012 Hi Faceit! I hope you are doing better since your original post. I am sure a million thoughts were running through your head upon the breakup - can we remain friends?; what do I do with his stuff? - when will the hurt go away? Maybe at the heart of all these thoughts is really "WHY?" and not having the opportunity to find out. One thing you should checkout is wotwentwrong.com. You can send a feedback request to him via email. It is easy to do and easy for him to fill out. There are serious reasons he can choose from a drop-down menu (and write in his own reasons) that may very well help you get closure and learn from the experience and MOVE ON! Wishing you the best moving forward, Dangoldie
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