PinkiePie Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 My ex dumped me two months ago, because he said he had fallen out of love with me. He still really wanted to be friends, but I couldn't handle that, so I told him not for a while and went NC. I haven't seen or spoken to him since the break-up until this past weekend. Yesterday I hosted my birthday party. I've been feeling better about the break-up, and thought inviting him would be a good way to see if I was ready to be friends. I could look hot, and be surrounded by people, so it'd be a nice way I could be casually friendly with him. And because I was hostess, I wouldn't be tempted to talk to him too much. So he RSVP'ed, and showed up a little bit later than everyone else. He brought a girl!! It's a girl I had never met before (when we dated, I met all of his friends) and I could tell by the way she was giggling and looking at him that something was up. I was PISSED. First of all, he hadn't asked me if he could bring a guest. It was a dinner party and I only cooked for a certain number of people. Second, how freaking dare he bring his new hook-up to MY birthday party!! I pulled him aside and told him politely that he should leave. He got all snappy and told me I was being a drama queen, and he'd come to the party to renew our friendship but "wasn't sure it was worth it anymore." He ended up staying the whole party, flirting with her and making me feel awful. Was I wrong to try to kick him out?? Why would he do such an awful thing as bring his FWB to my party and then claim I'm the one who is being a jerk?
InJest Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 How do you know she is just a FWB? Anyway, I don't know him so I don't know if he was genuinely a bone head and made an honest mistake or genuinely a douchebag and did it to hurt you. I don't really see any reason for him to intentionally hurt you like that so it was probably just being dumb. The hilarious part to me is that he didn't leave when you told him to and you just accepted it.
Feelsgoodman Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 Was I wrong to try to kick him out?? Why would he do such an awful thing as bring his FWB to my party and then claim I'm the one who is being a jerk? You are a jerk because you clearly had an ulterior motive for inviting him to your party. Let's be honest. You invited him not because you wanted to "renew" your friendship but because you wanted to get back at him. As you said yourself, you wanted to look hot and be surrounded by your friends while paying him as little attention as possible. You wanted him to see that you are over him and maybe even regret dumping you. When things didn't work out the way you expected, you got jealous and upset. You thought that he'd be sitting there alone, feeling bad about dumping such an awesome person as you. Instead, he was enjoying himself and flirting with his new girl. I can see why you'd be upset by this, but it's 100% your own fault.
verhrzn Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 You are a jerk because you clearly had an ulterior motive for inviting him to your party. Let's be honest. You invited him not because you wanted to "renew" your friendship but because you wanted to get back at him. As you said yourself, you wanted to look hot and be surrounded by your friends while paying him as little attention as possible. You wanted him to see that you are over him and maybe even regret dumping you. When things didn't work out the way you expected, you got jealous and upset. You thought that he'd be sitting there alone, feeling bad about dumping such an awesome person as you. Instead, he was enjoying himself and flirting with his new girl. I can see why you'd be upset by this, but it's 100% your own fault. In your opinion, then how should the OP have renewed the friendship? I've never tried being friends with an ex (they forget I exist after they dump me), but I'd think a party where you feel confident and happy would be the best situation. What should she have done instead? OP, I think it was a major a**hole move on his part if only because it was rude. You don't bring guests to a dinner party without checking with the host/hostess, whoever that guest is.
Emilia Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 I was PISSED. First of all, he hadn't asked me if he could bring a guest. It was a dinner party and I only cooked for a certain number of people. Second, how freaking dare he bring his new hook-up to MY birthday party!! I pulled him aside and told him politely that he should leave. He got all snappy and told me I was being a drama queen, and he'd come to the party to renew our friendship but "wasn't sure it was worth it anymore." He ended up staying the whole party, flirting with her and making me feel awful. Was I wrong to try to kick him out?? Why would he do such an awful thing as bring his FWB to my party and then claim I'm the one who is being a jerk? He is a disrespectful moron and you should have chucked him out properly. How come he stayed at YOUR house after you asked him to leave? No-one with manners would do something like that, call you a drama queen and rub your face in it afterwards by flirting with a girl. Why would you even talk to someone like that still? Especially when it was him that dumped you? Where is your self-respect girl?
Feelsgoodman Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 In your opinion, then how should the OP have renewed the friendship? I've never tried being friends with an ex (they forget I exist after they dump me), but I'd think a party where you feel confident and happy would be the best situation. What should she have done instead? OP, I think it was a major a**hole move on his part if only because it was rude. You don't bring guests to a dinner party without checking with the host/hostess, whoever that guest is. I don't believe in being friends with exes. She should have went NC. Inviting a guy who dumped her and for whom she clearly still has feeling to ger birthday party was pretty dumb.
reptilelover88 Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 I don't believe in being friends with exes. She should have went NC. Inviting a guy who dumped her and for whom she clearly still has feeling to ger birthday party was pretty dumb. Agreed. I don't know why people do things like this. Just cut him out of your life and move on; you avoid so much silly drama that way and you'll heal much faster.
Ursa Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 In my opinion, you were only wrong in not following through and insisting that he leave your house after you asked him to. What kind of entitled ******* stays at someone's birthday party after being asked to leave? I think that says a lot right there, actually. I am friends with several exes, and it is accomplished by being respectful to and sensitive of the other person's feelings. Bringing a date to your very recent ex's birthday dinner party, refusing to leave when asked and flirting with your date even though it obviously makes your ex/"friend" uncomfortable is so insensitive it borders on cruel. It's also far more "dramatic" than anything YOU did that night. I'm mad FOR you. He's a schmuck, sweetheart. Go have yourself a do-over birthday with your REAL friends to try to wipe the slate clean, and stop thinking you can be this guy's friend. He has shown you who he really is: self-absorbed, callous, entitled and cruel. 5 years from now, this will be a funny story about your worst birthday party, and you will be grateful that you dodged this bullet in the end. I promise. However, in the future, if you are going to try to be friends with an ex, you need to better respect your own grieving process and put more time between you if you are still feeling bruised by the breakup. While he shouldn't have invited a date because A) it was patently too soon and that should have been obvious to anyone and B) he never asked, and that's always a faux pas at dinner parties, it would not have been unexpected at a slightly less organized event or maybe another month down the line. You obviously weren't really prepared for him, and so your lack of understanding about your own healthy boundaries did play some part here.
dasein Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 (edited) You were both wrong, and both setting out to manipulate each other like HS kids. As feelsgoodman points out, your motive wasn't to refriend an ex, but to make him feel jealous or just plain sh-tty while boosting yourself up. You ADMIT as much yourself, which is troublesome. He must have figured this out based on knowing you, and decided to tip your applecart and do something just as crappy, bring a girl to the party. There's a sitcom episode in this somewhere. I bet all your friends are laughing at the both of you behind your backs. EDIT: telling to see female posters completely ignore OP's bad motive and contributing behavior to this situation. Edited April 23, 2012 by dasein
gotye Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 what a jerk, you don't bring someone without asking PERIOD
manup Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 what a jerk, you don't bring someone without asking PERIOD Both of you are immature.
zengirl Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 It doesn't sound like you can really be friends with him, and you should own that. As such, your invitation was not entirely sincere. I don't know if you intended to punish him (worse and more foolish) or just show that you were okay without him (pretty okay, but wait until you are actually okay to do so if you ever try this again with another ex -- this ex doesn't sound like friend potential). That's not great behavior, sure, but nowhere near as bad as his behavior. 1. You don't bring ANYONE to a dinner party/birthday party without asking the host/hostess if it's okay. 2. You don't rub it in your ex's face that you're seeing someone new if you dumped them. 3. When asked to leave, you LEAVE. I'd also say: If you've dumped someone and want to be friends with them, you allow them to gain back their self esteem and feel empowered, confident, and even show off a little bit that they're okay without you. That's going to be part of the process if you're going to become friends in many cases. You have to allow that person to gain their power back and not feel humiliated around you constantly. Both women and men have egos. The ex who is dumped is the one whose ego should be more highly considered if a friendship is to succeed.
gotye Posted April 24, 2012 Posted April 24, 2012 Both of you are immature. how is that immature? I just think you ask before bringing someone to an invite only party. Not commenting on the bringing another girl, but if I was having a small party and someone brought someone without asking I would be a bit peeved
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