It feels impossible

[Teknoe]

OP, are you autistic by chance?

 

The same thought crossed my mind more than once whenever I read his threads. Just the things he says and how he responds... remind me of a guy I knew who had mild autism. People with (mild) autism struggle picking up on social cues. That's been largely evident with SD so the thought of mild autism has definitely crossed my mind whenever I read his posts.

 

 

I don't understand why people spend so much time trying to help somedude.

 

He clearly believes he is fine and a relationship is all he needs and is willing to do nothing but complain and justify how he's normal and it's all gods and every girl on earths fault.

 

Unless he is willing to do more to get a life, he isn't going to get a girl. Girls don't want to be your everything. They also want you to have your own life too. That involves having friends. If he can't see any benefit in friends, and continues to be totally unaccountable for his own life nothing will change.

 

Everything that could help him has been said, kind offers to have friends meet him even rejected. It's all a waste of time on everyone else's behalf he likes his miserable little existance too much to change. Sad because he could do simple things to change it. But he clearly demonstrates he has no interest in anything except some mythical girl who is going to come along and give him everything... If she does come along, which I doubt, he won't have the social skills to make it work. But his choice.

 

I think it's time for people to stop giving him so much attention here and enabling his behavior.

 

Yes, LS does enable his on-going behavior. As you can see, every SD thread goes on and on and the same people offer the same advice (dressed ever so slightly differently than last time) and SD ignores or denies it. Like I said, it's akin to a train wreck. You just can't take your eyes off it. On LS he has developed that persona where people keep reaching out hoping this is the reply that changes something on SD's inside, but it's all futile.

 

Like I said before, me personally, I have a 23 year old cousin who SD reminds me a ton of. I love my cousin. I can also honestly say at one point I was in very similar shoes to SD, with the difference being, I had a teachable spirit and friends. Those two things helped me to get out of that pit, and it's why I push those two things on him so much, but of course, he's paralyzed by his own fears.

 

 

All of this talk about friends is just a distraction from the real issue.

 

Actually, allow me to edit and fix your quote for you. This is what's true:

 

All of this talk about GIRLS is just a distraction from the real issue.

[USMCHokie]

Yeah, I don't have a clue how to make a girl sexually attracted to me. I thought it would just happen.

 

Actually, it does just happen when you've got your sh*t together...

[ThaWholigan]

The same thought crossed my mind more than once whenever I read his threads. Just the things he says and how he responds... remind me of a guy I knew who had mild autism. People with (mild) autism struggle picking up on social cues. That's been largely evident with SD so the thought of mild autism has definitely crossed my mind whenever I read his posts.

 

Speaking as someone who actually does have autism, I never really got that too much from somedude really. However, I think there are some things he just does not see, so whatever, I just don't know what I can add that will actually help, he doesn't want to hear so........

 

Actually, it does just happen when you've got your sh*t together...

 

Pretty much this.

[kassy]

It's clear he has no idea about friendship, interaction with others and not a clue about romantic relationships from his responses. But he chooses not to develop these skills. It's his choice, but unless he decides to participate in society in a socially normal way then it is unlikely he will be able to develop a career to his potential or any satisfaction on an interpersonal level romantic or otherwise. But he has clearly demonstrated that is the road he wishes to go down... So I guess as sad as it is he will live like that.

 

Not everyone gets the job the wife the 2 kids a dog and a white picket fence. I think it's time for loveshack to accept that SD is one of those people who will miss out unless he shows signs of actually changing his attitude and perspective.

 

And that's all I will say on the topic.

[somedude81]

Actually, it does just happen when you've got your sh*t together...

And what does that actually mean?

 

So if you have your sh*t together, women will just throw themselves at you without you having to do anything?

[USMCHokie]

And what does that actually mean?

 

So if you have your sh*t together, women will just throw themselves at you without you having to do anything?

 

No, absolutely not. They only do that if you're tall.

 

 

But seriously though, when you have your sh*t together, then just "being yourself" actually does work...yes, you have to put some effort into being sociable, but it won't feel like "effort" because it'd be natural...and hopefully it'd even be fun...

[Teknoe]

And what does that actually mean?

 

So if you have your sh*t together, women will just throw themselves at you without you having to do anything?

 

Oh my. Here we go again. He is fishing for a magic pill where no hard work is required. When one isn't given, he fishes some more. Because there's no such thing, he's searching for something that doesn't exist, sigh.

 

I predict step 4 is coming soon for this thread.

 

 

I haven't read through this whole topic but I'm noticing a disturbing trend with SD81:

 

1. He'll make a thread complaining about his lot in life

 

2. People will give him the same type of sound advice that actually works in most cases. It's not "sexy" or "flashy" but it's sound advice. He either says he's already tried it but it's never helped and thus never will or he ignores it

 

3. People will ask him for specifics i.e. "can you describe what you've been trying for self-improvement the last month or two?" He will ignore it or say that's not what the thread is for

 

4. When the thread gets too "personal" for comfort, SD stops responding altogether, and the thread disappears into obscurity

 

5. SD starts a new thread a week later. Repeat steps 1-5

 

At some point, man, you got to address the real issues at hand here. Everyone's been saying, it's not about girls. It's about your own personal self-assessment. Until you straighten that out, you can expect your life to continue being miserable because you're doing it all to yourself.

[PlumPrincess]

But I have no clue whatsoever why she wasn't willing to talk to talk to me and actually tell me why.

Because she realized like anybody else on this board that you are not reasonable. You would be unable to relate to anything she says, just like you are unable to relate to anything that people here tell you.

 

There's a tendency for helper syndrome on this board, meaning people possess an abundance of patience that drives them to repeat their advice a million times to those who are too dense or simply too unwilling to accept it. They are here because they want to give support. People in real life in general feel less desire to make the hopeless see the light. Women specifically are not interested in playing personal shrink for guys who refuse to understand that personal romantic interest doesn't mean mutual romantic interest.

[Cracker Jack]

So, when's the next time you think you're going to see this girl?

[Els]

Back in the day, I would have said he needs some 'cooler' interests to socialize more properly.

 

When I was in college and in my early 20s, gaming was really for serious nerds or a closet activity for 'normal' people. Anime was almost exclusively territory for Asians.

 

But I realize the world has changed a lot.

 

A lot of men and even women seem to be into those things now and it's even considered pretty cool.

 

Hey, as Felicia Day and co. put it, "Now I'm the one that's cool!".

 

Seriously, I think not having ANY friends AT ALL of one entire gender points to a huge social inadequacy that I'm not terribly interested into getting into with a guy (and really, I'm extremely forgiving of introversion in a mate, being one myself, but this is just pushing it), and I'm sure many women feel the same way, but that's all I'm gonna say.

[zengirl]

And that's exactly what I need help with.

 

All of this talk about friends just a distraction from the real issue, I don't know how to pursue women. That is why I made this thread.

 

Not really -- all of it is the same issue. Social skills, in general, are where you struggle, and building friendships helps build those social skills. No, it won't teach you how to flirt, etc, but there are loads of guys who don't know how to flirt who get GFs. I don't know any men who have very poor social skills to the point where they have few social connections, don't understand how people work, and feel they don't need friendships who get GFs. Having friends & a support system and building your social skills would absolutely help you pursue women. Many people have said that, and that's because we have an understanding of how social skills and interpersonal skills work and are interconnected.

 

Again, you want life to be transactional: do this thing, get that. Not the way it works. You have to work on yourself and building your overall skills and character. As Hokie says, when you get your stuff together, you CAN just be yourself. There is still some effort involved, but it doesn't feel that way --- it just feels like a natural extension of social interactions.

 

The reason dating is so hard for you is your lack of social skills, your lack of understanding of people and social interactions, and your inability to utilize empathy. An example of your poor empathy is even just above on this thread, where you continually disregard D's feelings and say there's "no reason" why she shouldn't want to go out with you. Well, clearly there was, and it's her right to have any damn reason she chooses, and anyone with a modicum of empathy understands that concept when they are rejected -- that the person who rejects them is a person with his/her own agency, POV, and feelings and thus has the right to ANY reason whatsoever to choose to be with them or not be with them.

 

Anyone who gets to know you will quickly know that you have no friends. Surely D had to know. And yes, I'm sure it affected her view of you. A guy with no friends is more of a project than a potential partner. You may like him, and have fun with him, but you feel responsible for him, and you have concerns about him. He isn't as attractive as a guy who has a healthy social circle.

 

Absolutely true. It's one of the first things I looked for in a guy when I was single -- if he can connect to others.

[xxoo]

There was absolutely no reason why she couldn't be into me. We were pretty much equals and we made up for each others strengths and weaknesses.

 

Actually she didn't.

 

She just assumed that the people she saw me with were my friends and I wasn't going to tell her otherwise. At that time I had a lot of aqutinces but they were stricty "school friends" and nothing more.

 

You can't have it both ways. You can't insist that you knew each other well enough to know that you were equals and compatible AND she didn't know anything about your lack of a normal social life.

 

You can't hide who you really are in a close relationship. And if your relationship was so surface that you could, then how much do you really know about her?

 

This was a "friendship" based on lies. Yes, you have to reveal who you really are to have a real relationship.

[xxoo]

An example of your poor empathy is even just above on this thread, where you continually disregard D's feelings and say there's "no reason" why she shouldn't want to go out with you.

 

It's true, that shows stunning lack of empathy. You aren't her, so you can not decide who is a good partner for her. Only she can do that.

 

The lack of empathy also shows when you say things like "I wouldn't care about that, so she shouldn't either" (not an exact quote, but a repeated theme)

[ThaWholigan]

It's true, that shows stunning lack of empathy. You aren't her, so you can not decide who is a good partner for her. Only she can do that.

 

The lack of empathy also shows when you say things like "I wouldn't care about that, so she shouldn't either" (not an exact quote, but a repeated theme)

It's strange, because these aren't particularly subtle signs. I think it's going to be even more difficult that perhaps first thought.....

[jobaba]

 

An example of your poor empathy is even just above on this thread, where you continually disregard D's feelings and say there's "no reason" why she shouldn't want to go out with you. Well, clearly there was, and it's her right to have any damn reason she chooses, and anyone with a modicum of empathy understands that concept when they are rejected -- that the person who rejects them is a person with his/her own agency, POV, and feelings and thus has the right to ANY reason whatsoever to choose to be with them or not be with them.

 

If it was give and take, he'd have no problem understanding or even embracing that.

 

If he'd had a healthy dating life and had rejected a few to possibly a decent amount of women (which some men have), then he'd likely have that point of view.

 

But it's hard to go through life continuously saying, "Yea, she had the right to reject me. She can choose who she wants to be with." over and over and over ...

 

...when YOU NEVER GET TO CHOOSE. Ever. That sucks man.

 

And that's where the OP is coming from. Been there, done that.

[Ross MwcFan]

Actually, it does just happen when you've got your sh*t together...

 

I'm not so sure, as the majority of people I've known who haven't had their **** together still had women being sexually attracted to them.

 

I think if you don't have your **** together and women dont get sexually attracted to you, then they probably still wont when you do get your **** together.

[Mme. Chaucer]

And what does that actually mean?

 

So if you have your sh*t together, women will just throw themselves at you without you having to do anything?

 

Heck no. One of your problems seems to be that you think that way, though.

 

Get your sh*t together and you will experience the many benefits. Try it.

[somedude81]

Before we go on, how is empathy even relevant to my situation? When does it start becoming necessary, and when will a girl figure that I'm lacking it, if I am?

 

As for D, I was absolutely completely obsessed with her, wanted her more than anything in the entire world. There was no way that I could accept her feelings of not wanting to be with me. I would have given her everything, done anything for her, except leave her alone. Cutting me out of her life was the right thing to do, but I at least wanted to talk to her one last time.

 

I'm still not seeing how needing friends is necessary to get a girl. I see it all the time on forums. Guy and girl meet, they got out a few times, have sex. Then decide if they want a relationship. At what point do their friends come into the picture? For example, if I manage to go out with the girl at my work, do you think she'll want to meet my friends before we have sex?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Bottom line, somedude: things don't work the way you are insisting that they do.

 

Are you willing to just remain exactly as you are forever? If you aren't, sooner or later you'll need to face the reality that you'll need to address some serious issues of your own before you will ever have a girlfriend.

 

Among them is your evident inability to see other people as fully sentient beings - and that you don't seem to have any problem at all with this.

 

Nobody wants to be the girlfriend of a guy who is doesn't know how to have a simple, basic human relationship with other people and especially who doesn't care to even try. No matter what you think, there would be NOTHING in it for them. Having a girlfriend is not just acquiring something that you think will fill a big empty space in you. The girlfriend is going to want and need things that you have no interest in, so far. No matter what a "nice guy" you think you are.

[SmileFace]

Personally it doesn't seem as if you are looking for a girl friend but someone to complete you. You aren't even allowing yourself the option to have a healthy relationship. If you end up in the your relationship you seem to be pursuing you are going to end up clinging for dear life, which seems to be your intention, then if that ends you are going to be more ****ed over than now. No one is perfect but you can't be happy alone you are truthfully wasting your time; you can't put the cart before the horse. You need to work on you first. It's not that having friends will help you get a date but not wanting friends isn't ok.

[somedude81]

Bottom line, somedude: things don't work the way you are insisting that they do.

 

Are you willing to just remain exactly as you are forever? If you aren't, sooner or later you'll need to face the reality that you'll need to address some serious issues of your own before you will ever have a girlfriend.

Among them is your evident inability to see other people as fully sentient beings - and that you don't seem to have any problem at all with this.

How the heck did you come to that conclusion?

 

The things you guys are saying about me is just crazy.

Nobody wants to be the girlfriend of a guy who is doesn't know how to have a simple, basic human relationship with other people and especially who doesn't care to even try. No matter what you think, there would be NOTHING in it for them.

So what do girls expect to get out of their boyfriends? And how come I keep hearing stories of that when people get into a relationship who lose touch with their friends?

 

Having a girlfriend is not just acquiring something that you think will fill a big empty space in you. The girlfriend is going to want and need things that you have no interest in, so far. No matter what a "nice guy" you think you are.

And what is she going to need that I can't provide?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Before we go on, how is empathy even relevant to my situation? When does it start becoming necessary, and when will a girl figure that I'm lacking it, if I am?

 

Obviously you don't "see" why empathy or having basic social skills and relationships is necessary to "get a girl." People have spent countless words trying to convince you of it to no avail. So it's probably come to the point where the only remedy would be for you to have a total leap of faith and act as if you believe what everyone has been telling you, even though you really don't. Because it's the truth whether you understand, or accept it or not.

 

I see it all the time on forums. Guy and girl meet, they got out a few times, have sex. Then decide if they want a relationship. At what point do their friends come into the picture? For example, if I manage to go out with the girl at my work, do you think she'll want to meet my friends before we have sex?

 

 

If you "manage to go out with the girl at your work" what makes you think you will EVER have sex with her? You will have to woo her. Even if she is very "easy" sexually, you're going to have to get her to want to do it. That's where the social skills come in. Or just having tremendous sex appeal.

 

If she's the type who wants to get to know a guy before boning him, she is going to take how ever long it takes to get to know who you really are. That entire time is a journey without the destination of "sex" or "girlfriend/ boyfriend." It's just sharing who two people are, and any time, either one of them can decide it's not for them and move on.

 

But frankly, approaching a girl with this mind set of yours is not likely to succeed ("Will she want to meet my friends before we have sex" ).

[xxoo]

I'm still not seeing how needing friends is necessary to get a girl.

 

A normal guy has interesting stories and experiences to share involving friends, social events to attend and take her to, friends to introduce her to (even if you do mostly cocoon together for a short stage).

 

All of that comes out naturally in the first few meetings, talking about your life and interests. If it isn't there, that's going to stand out as odd.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Among them is your evident inability to see other people as fully sentient beings - and that you don't seem to have any problem at all with this.

 

How the heck did you come to that conclusion?

 

Through countless words you have written here on LoveShack. From the posts of other people, I see that many (maybe most) have come to the same conclusion.

 

The things you guys are saying about me is just crazy.

 

Um … you have presented yourself.

 

And what is she going to need that I can't provide?

 

Empathy is a good one.

 

What do you think she is going to need that you CAN provide?

[somedude81]

Having a girlfriend is not just acquiring something that you think will fill a big empty space in you.

 

Personally it doesn't seem as if you are looking for a girl friend but someone to complete you.

That's completely true.

 

I've always felt I have a big empty space, even when I had a group of guy friends or the one or two buddies I've hung out with over the years. I've never had a GF and my desire for one can only give me the belief that it's the missing piece. It's the only thing I've been lacking my entire life.

You aren't even allowing yourself the option to have a healthy relationship.

Why do you say that?

 

If you end up in the your relationship you seem to be pursuing you are going to end up clinging for dear life, which seems to be your intention, then if that ends you are going to be more ****ed over than now.

Correct me if I'm wrong, nobody likes to be dumped by somebody they have feelings for.

 

And no, I'd actually be in a much better place then I am in now simple because I'd have the experience under my belt. Getting a GF would be a major accomplishment, it would boost my confidence and self-esteem and it means that I can do it again. Right now, I have basically zero belief that I can get a GF, so that mentality would be a huge change from now.

No one is perfect but you can't be happy alone you are truthfully wasting your time;

I've been alone basically my entire life and I'm absolutely sick of it. I know there are tons of things that I'm missing out of because I haven't been in a relationship. Anybody with half a brain can tell that humans are not meant to go without a partner. That's the whole reason why this forum even exists...