USMCHokie Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 That's sounds like something I'd actually learn how do when I'm in a relationship. Almost like it would happen atomically as time goes on. It's not something you can learn overnight, or in a week, or a month...and I don't know if you want to risk a precious relationship to figure this out...and I'm not sure I know any woman who would be patient enough to put up with it and "teach" you basic social skills...besides, what's stopping you from pulling your head out of your ass now and practicing, both in real life interactions with people, as well as here on LS, so when you do meet that girl, you're in a much better place to be in a relationship...? 1
TheBigQuestion Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 That's sounds like something I'd actually learn how do when I'm in a relationship. Almost like it would happen atomically as time goes on. I doubt that. For example, you admittedly have little experience with, and indeed place little value on, forming friendships with other men. That is a bedrock to having a healthy social life that you willingly refuse to acquire. It would give you a support system and would expose you to a variety of social situations which would help you understand them better. Getting into a relationship as clueless as you are about how to relate to people and read people (no offense) would still be a recipe for disaster. I would say that female friends would do just fine for the same purposes, but you almost inevitably fall in love with all your female friends. For that reason, naturally I'm not going to recommend you get a circle of female friends. My suggestions from a few pages back still stand, and I think almost everyone here would agree with me. You need friends and you need a thorough psychological evaluation with a treatment plan. You need to be open to getting that treatment. You have nothing to lose. Seriously. It pains me to see just how easy it is for you to start turning your life around at THIS VERY SECOND and all you do is continuously rebut and challenge everyone's very realistic and reasonable suggestions. You've been doing things your way your entire life, following your instincts, none of which have helped you acquire your social goals. Let go of some of your hubris and try actually LISTENING to someone. 6
Meeks7 Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 someone here on LS offered free real life assistance, and SD81 just made excuse after excuse why he wouldn't accept help. IIRC, he asked for help and the guy came along offering what SD81 asked for, but SD81 still found a way to shoot the guy down. I couldn't believe that. As long as he remains isolated, he'll be stuck in his own little world. The problem is, what a person thinks as reality may not ACTUALLY BE reality, especially when it involves relating to other people. That someone was me, by the way. Somedude, if you want, I can still arrange for my friend's friend to meet up with you. You guys can meet up at a local coffee shop in SoCal, chop it up, and maybe you can even be introduced to people your age. Just let me know if you've changed your mind... I doubt that. For example, you admittedly have little experience with, and indeed place little value on, forming friendships with other men. That is a bedrock to having a healthy social life that you willingly refuse to acquire. It would give you a support system and would expose you to a variety of social situations which would help you understand them better. Getting into a relationship as clueless as you are about how to relate to people and read people (no offense) would still be a recipe for disaster. I would say that female friends would do just fine for the same purposes, but you almost inevitably fall in love with all your female friends. For that reason, naturally I'm not going to recommend you get a circle of female friends. My suggestions from a few pages back still stand, and I think almost everyone here would agree with me. You need friends and you need a thorough psychological evaluation with a treatment plan. You need to be open to getting that treatment. You have nothing to lose. Seriously. It pains me to see just how easy it is for you to start turning your life around at THIS VERY SECOND and all you do is continuously rebut and challenge everyone's very realistic and reasonable suggestions. You've been doing things your way your entire life, following your instincts, none of which have helped you acquire your social goals. Let go of some of your hubris and try actually LISTENING to someone. My friend said just from reading some of his thread history she can see a guy who is absolutely paralyzed by fear of the unknown. She said she's seen a thousand guys like him who are too comfortable in their own pit of despairs, that actually trying would be worse than lying there to die. Just because they fear getting hurt in NEW ways, whereas, getting hurt constantly in a familiar way is far more easier to take than trying AND STILL getting hurt. I will echo your comments and suggestions, TheBigQuestion. They seem like very sensible solutions for somedude, but he's going to need some big "AH HA" moment in real life (it can't and never will come from the internet) to shake him out of his comfort zone. Something drastic that leads him to seeing life through new lens. I know one of my friends was going through the motions in life until he avoided a head on collision at the last split second. After that, he was a brand new man. People can write all the encouraging or tough love posts to somedude as they want, but nothing said or revealed here on Loveshack will shake him out of his present state of mind and being. It's gonna hafta come thru a real life emotional almost life-or-death type of situation.
zengirl Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 You may not have social anxiety, but you absolutely DO have problems relating to people and figuring out what makes them "tick." You've admitted as much yourself, and many of your posts on LS indicate a complete inability to really understand people. This is a MAJOR handicap in obtaining and eventually maintaining a romantic relationship. You can strongly believe whatever you want, it doesn't make it true. I honestly believe this is a more important issue to work through than social anxiety. I've dated men with severe social anxiety before (and I know several who did get GFs, so the fact that someone could does not surprise me as it surprises SD), but I could never consider dating a man with low empathy and understanding of others or few social connections, and that part is true for almost every woman I know. There are many things particular women will overlook, but that is something pretty much everyone values in a partner. That's sounds like something I'd actually learn how do when I'm in a relationship. Almost like it would happen atomically as time goes on. It will not. If life has not 'automatically' taught you it yet, it is something you'll have to endeavor to TRY to learn. A relationship will not change that, nor will it be really possible to get a dating situation into a relationship even if a girl were to give you a chance until you fix that. At any rate, everything in TBQ's latest post, I also echo. You've been given plenty of good advice here, and you could change your life, but nothing changes until you do. First and foremost, you need to stop waiting for a relationship to begin YOUR growth. 2
Author somedude81 Posted April 26, 2012 Author Posted April 26, 2012 I think you guys are just assuming a whole lot that I don't know how to relate to people and that I can't understand them. That is nowhere even close to the truth. I'm not really sure how that conclusion was reached. Though a problem I do have, is that I don't understand how women work beyond the superficial level. I've had very few opportunities to interact with them on a deeper level. And what I meant by my last post, that it would be something that I would just learn over time by being with a girl and communicating with her on a regular basis. I know that if I don't actively try to understand her the relationship can't work. Still I am curious about why I'm thought to have low empathy and understanding of others.
Mr Frisky Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 Wow, the weirdest thing happened. I go to my work to ask for more hours in the store. So I walk with my manager to the back office and there she is using the computer doing a training program. Then what should have been something as simple as him giving me one more day to work, becomes him telling me how he gives priority to his "strongest workers" and how he doesn't think that I'm one of those and how he has a problem with me, and that I talk back etc, and she's sitting there the whole fu*king time using the computer. Why does sh*t like this happen to me? It feels the fu*king world is out there to screw with me. Don't despair, friend. You could use this to make her think you are a "Bad Boy". According to the clowns on this site, girls love "Bad Boys". If you two crazy kids get together, make sure to cheat on her. Verbally berate her and add a little a slap to her face every now and then to show what a "Bad Boy' you are. According to the experts on this site women love that ****.
ThaWholigan Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 I think you guys are just assuming a whole lot that I don't know how to relate to people and that I can't understand them. That is nowhere even close to the truth. I'm not really sure how that conclusion was reached. Though a problem I do have, is that I don't understand how women work beyond the superficial level. I've had very few opportunities to interact with them on a deeper level. And what I meant by my last post, that it would be something that I would just learn over time by being with a girl and communicating with her on a regular basis. I know that if I don't actively try to understand her the relationship can't work. Still I am curious about why I'm thought to have low empathy and understanding of others. This is based on what you yourself have put out. You've told us you don't really have friends and that you don't hang out with dudes. That's not a good sign. Correct us if we are wrong at any point. The reason why you don't understand how women work beyond a superficial level is because you become infatuated with them before you even get a chance. You don't give yourself the chance, because you fear being rejected by them also. Why don't you have many friends Somedude? Not being mean, an honest question. Also, could you elaborate on how you believe that you will automatically accustom yourself to communicating effectively in a relationship? Even I recognize that the 1st time around, it will be difficult for me, even if I personally try to convince myself it will be easier.
Mr Frisky Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 I don't think you would find many folks who would disagree with this. HOWEVER, victories come in MANY different forms. The issue is SD is seeing this as black and white. To him, a victory is getting a GF. Or having sex. There's more to the term "victory" than getting a GF or having sex. It's about contributing to society. Being a good friend (he has no friends which is another issue). Learning how to think of others and helping out other people; putting their needs before yours. etc. Everything's so extreme for him. I liken it to a guy who wants to run a 10K but can barely run one mile. You might want to start off with small, manageable goals first. Yes, small steps are victories in and of itself and they will help lead SD81 to bigger victories. My honest sense is he's scared. Of the unknown. Of failing. Of true intimacy. Despite what he says he wants, I look at his actions, and I see a TON of self-sabotage, whether conscious or subconscious. He is scared to go to the root. He keeps telling himself the problem is something that really isn't the root, and as such, he is doomed to repeat his failures. Sorry. That's been my observation of my OWN life, as well as observations on the lives of other people I know. Just because you sweep issues under the rug doesn't mean they disappear. Out of sight out of mind? Not really. That's your right to believe that. However, I don't see how you could classify someone who has, in the past and even now, consistently: 1. talks about suicide 2. talks negatively about himself at every chance he gets 3. thinks in a self-defeated fashion even before the "game starts" etc. How you could honestly say "Nope, there goes a perfectly healthy guy with a solid mental makeup." It's ALL about his mental makeup, actually. A lot of it starts and ends RIGHT THERE. If improving his mental outlook does not help he should find Jesus. Start reading the Bible and pray to "God" that it will give him the girl of his dreams. It's so Angelic, friend.
jobaba Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 Some of you might have no idea how common it is to find older men who have never been in a relationship. I could call three of them out today and be having drinks with all three this evening. All have never had a real GF and all are older than SD. All of them are relatively normal. One makes pretty damn good money. All of them are pretty calm about it in real life and rarely ever bring it up unless asked. Of course, they might vent about it online like SD. For that reason, I feel SD is generally pretty normal. Just like I would tell those guys, he just has to step up his aggression level and realize it's a numbers game and the numbers suck for some guys. Of course, those guys would never ask me for advice.
Els Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 Some of you might have no idea how common it is to find older men who have never been in a relationship. I could call three of them out today and be having drinks with all three this evening. All have never had a real GF and all are older than SD. All of them are relatively normal. One makes pretty damn good money. All of them are pretty calm about it in real life and rarely ever bring it up unless asked. Of course, they might vent about it online like SD. For that reason, I feel SD is generally pretty normal. Just like I would tell those guys, he just has to step up his aggression level and realize it's a numbers game and the numbers suck for some guys. Of course, those guys would never ask me for advice. Yes, but I don't know ANY guys who don't have ANY male friends.... I mean, I'm a girl with almost purely 'guy-interests' and even I have some friends of my gender. Which is infinitely as many as SD has.
Teknoe Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 I honestly believe this is a more important issue to work through than social anxiety. I've dated men with severe social anxiety before (and I know several who did get GFs, so the fact that someone could does not surprise me as it surprises SD), but I could never consider dating a man with low empathy and understanding of others or few social connections, and that part is true for almost every woman I know. There are many things particular women will overlook, but that is something pretty much everyone values in a partner. It will not. If life has not 'automatically' taught you it yet, it is something you'll have to endeavor to TRY to learn. A relationship will not change that, nor will it be really possible to get a dating situation into a relationship even if a girl were to give you a chance until you fix that. At any rate, everything in TBQ's latest post, I also echo. You've been given plenty of good advice here, and you could change your life, but nothing changes until you do. First and foremost, you need to stop waiting for a relationship to begin YOUR growth. Another post that hits the nail on the head. SD, you need to start opening yourself up to what others are saying, particularly TBQ and Zengirl, because they've got what you're looking for. Zen, I totally agree that men with social anxiety can still have girlfriends. Social anxiety is acceptable by certain girls but you are right -- having little to no empathy as well as perspective are things pretty much no girl will put up with, unless the guy is smoking hot. I've seen a picture of SD, and he's not smoking hot. That's not being mean, VERY FEW of us are smoking hot. So, he's gotta work on developing a stronger perspective if he's to have a shot at a real relationship. I think you guys are just assuming a whole lot that I don't know how to relate to people and that I can't understand them. That is nowhere even close to the truth. I'm not really sure how that conclusion was reached. Though a problem I do have, is that I don't understand how women work beyond the superficial level. I've had very few opportunities to interact with them on a deeper level. And what I meant by my last post, that it would be something that I would just learn over time by being with a girl and communicating with her on a regular basis. I know that if I don't actively try to understand her the relationship can't work. Still I am curious about why I'm thought to have low empathy and understanding of others. This is your MO, SD. You constantly are in a flux to defend yourself and you think "No no no, you have the wrong idea of me!" The people who describe you as such are not assuming BLINDLY. We have years and over 7,000 posts of yours to make an educated guess. You have, over time, displayed consistently examples of where you made people stop, scratch their head and go "hmmmm." Whether it's true or not, that's what people are getting from reading your posts. And what you post, I believe, comes from the heart. Yeah you can say "it's a message board so I go more extreme than I would in real life" but still, the things one posts can reveal quite a bit about their nature and perspectives. You have women here who have said the following about you. Again the following is from OTHER POSTERS not me in some of your previous threads I can recall: "When I first met SD, I liked him. He seemed like a nice guy who just had bad luck with women. After a while though, I noticed some things about him and it turned me off. He actually doesn't seem like a nice guy." "The problem I have with SD is that he simply doesn't come off as likeable. It's the things he says, the things he writes. I see a lot of selfishness and lack of empathy on his part." etc. etc. Things like the cleavage comment to D, threatening to make her cry by screaming at her AND then laughing over it, missing basic and simple social cues in other people's posts (i.e. responding "What do you mean exactly?" when the meaning is clearly already there for anyone to see), a lack of ability to reason with others and see things from their shoes, etc. Come on SD. Your "reputation" doesn't come out of thin air. It's based on vibes and educated assumptions formed from your 7,000+ posts. While I will give you some credit and say there's probably more to you than what we see here (at least, I would hope that's the case), you've got to realize the things you talk about most does reveal quite a bit about your character. I'm with TBQ, time to drop some of your hubris (pride), and start being more open minded to seeking help. Like TBQ said, you've relied on instincts thus far, and instincts has gotten you where, exactly? Seek some help please. 2
Bob_Funk Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 (edited) A guy pretty much needs exceptional looks or social status to even register on a non-hideous girl's radar nowadays. Otherwise you're just one of a thousand other cocks, indistinguishable from the rest. Edited April 26, 2012 by Bob_Funk
jobaba Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 Yes, but I don't know ANY guys who don't have ANY male friends.... I mean, I'm a girl with almost purely 'guy-interests' and even I have some friends of my gender. Which is infinitely as many as SD has. I think it might help for SD to list some of his interests. To date, I've never heard him list any.
Els Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 I think it might help for SD to list some of his interests. To date, I've never heard him list any. He has listed gaming, anime, and dance. The first two should make getting male friends not much of a problem at all.
Author somedude81 Posted April 26, 2012 Author Posted April 26, 2012 This is based on what you yourself have put out. You've told us you don't really have friends and that you don't hang out with dudes. That's not a good sign. Correct us if we are wrong at any point. Why don't you have many friends Somedude? Not being mean, an honest question. I don't have any guy friends because I don't want to have any guy friends. It's not something I'm going to pursue. Sure if I find a guy(s) who invites me to do something with him/them I'll do it but I'm not going to chase guys. Frankly, I've never gotten anything out of having guy friends so it's not something I actively look for. That's all I'm going to say on this topic. The reason why you don't understand how women work beyond a superficial level is because you become infatuated with them before you even get a chance.Not really. The reason I don't understand women on a deeper level is because few let me get that close to them. The closest I have ever gotten to a girl was with the one I always wrote about. And even then there was a lot about her that I didn't know, but it wasn't due to my lack of trying. Also, could you elaborate on how you believe that you will automatically accustom yourself to communicating effectively in a relationship? Even I recognize that the 1st time around, it will be difficult for me, even if I personally try to convince myself it will be easier.The same way most people get good at something, by continuing to do it. If improving his mental outlook does not help he should find Jesus. Start reading the Bible and pray to "God" that it will give him the girl of his dreams. It's so Angelic, friend. Ha, I already tried that. And I already met the girl of my dreams. We were "close" for almost two years, but God decided it wasn't meant to be. He is such a tease. "When I first met SD, I liked him. He seemed like a nice guy who just had bad luck with women. After a while though, I noticed some things about him and it turned me off. He actually doesn't seem like a nice guy." "The problem I have with SD is that he simply doesn't come off as likeable. It's the things he says, the things he writes. I see a lot of selfishness and lack of empathy on his part." etc. etc. I vaguely remember those posts. But I don't remember the context at all. Frankly, I don't think they are accurate at all. to D, threatening to make her cry by screaming at her AND then laughing over it, She absolutely crushed my heart and refused to ever see or speak to me again for reasons I have no idea why. I have so much anger abut her it's crazy. So many intense feelings. missing basic and simple social cues in other people's posts (i.e. responding "What do you mean exactly?" when the meaning is clearly already there for anyone to see),Yeah I don't always understand what people mean. So what? It's better that I'm asking questions and trying to understand.
Author somedude81 Posted April 26, 2012 Author Posted April 26, 2012 Hey SomeDude, I was actually looking for you I'm sorry, what?
DuchessKaye Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 I'm sorry, what? I was curious when I read this on my thread... Yoo hoo! Somedude! Someone is looking for you...
Author somedude81 Posted April 26, 2012 Author Posted April 26, 2012 I was curious when I read this on my thread... Ah, you found me then. Have a seat on my couch. How about a drink to help you relax?
DuchessKaye Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 Ah, you found me then. Have a seat on my couch. How about a drink to help you relax? Oh yeah, a round of Long Island will do
DuchessKaye Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 Since its early a mimosa for me please! WOW! Are you here to join us? You're such a distraction. LOL!
Author somedude81 Posted April 26, 2012 Author Posted April 26, 2012 Drinks in the morning. You ladies are great. Which reminds me, I need to restock my liquor cabinet. 1
USMCHokie Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 Does your refusal to have male friends stem from a feeling of inadequacy when in the company of men...?
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