Imajerk17 Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 Mme. Chaucer, all I've ever been doing is learning lessons. Honestly I'm completely tired of failing and having nothing to show for it except another lesson of what not to do. The most recent one I learned is not to be friends with girls I like, hoping they will fall for me. So with this failure that's going to happen soon, I want to get something out of it. Something that will help me for the next time I meet a girl. At the end of the day though, you still have to do something. I already gave you advice on how to play this situation. First page of your thread. To recap, see if there is something that both of you like to do outside of work. Then ask her to do it.
Teknoe Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 This probably sounds lame, but I truly believe that we go through what we go through for reasons - specifically, to learn. I don't think that you, SD, have learned the lessons for you in this extended period of early adolescence you're stuck in. And I think you are likely to remain here until you are willing to open up your mind to learn. Way to hit the nail on the head. He just can't see life through a mature adult perspective. He's 30 years old but constantly acts like he's 15. Everything people throw at him to try and help him he ignores or responds with "BUT I HAVE!" Notice how he doesn't even respond to any questions of developing friendships. He wants to pretend that that's somehow a "non issue." I don't know why we bother. We're just wasting keystrokes and our own time. SD is SD. I've come onto LS everyday hoping he'll somehow show any kind of growth. But time and time again I see his mind has not matured beyond "Me want woman, me must have woman, or me be very sad and complain" 2
Teknoe Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 I believe that he has somehow mentally managed to fuse his overall wellbeing and happiness with his desire for a girlfriend, and he has been doing this for years. It's going to be extremely hard for him to undo 17 years of subconscious hard-wiring, especially when he believes in his own way that he is right. The worst part is that he thinks getting a girlfriend will solve all his problems, but that will just be one part sorted out. What happens afterwards? When he ties up his happiness with that girl. That's a lot of pressure for both of them, when he has so much at stake. If, god forbid, it wouldn't last, what would that do to him? This is where he has to delve into his own psyche before that happens. Although he is afraid to do so, of his own memories and bad experiences. I speculate that this is the reason why therapy hasn't worked for him thus far, and neither has PUA. To get to the root of his unhappiness, and just exactly why he has convinced himself that getting a girlfriend will cure him of all his problems, because even though he and a few misguided people in a similar position believe that it will, it won't in my opinion. His problems are internal, but is looking for an external solution. Never ends well in my observations. I've been lucky enough to figure that out pretty early. Somedude hasn't unfortunately. It's not over for him luckily. He still has time to go and he has to work hard to change his mindset and take back control of his happiness and his life. It's his call though, and if he still doesn't think he can do it, then soon it will be too late. Let's hope that it won't be too late. I feel like this type of post has been made in EVERY SINGLE SD81 thread, but he never internalizes it, truly. Or even shows ANY remote signs that he's been processing/fostering this type of mindset. This is reaching epic proportions. Everytime I see a new SD thread it's like oh here we go again. 20+ pages long, 200+ replies, 100+ likes (on other people's posts, not his, lol), he'll ignore advice or claim to the Heavens that he's already tried it, etc. I'm sorry but is this getting comical to anyone else? It's almost like a train wreck that you can't help but stare at. You know it's bloody awful but you can't help but look. WHEN WILL SD81 FINALLY ASK OUT A GIRL POINT BLANK "Can I take you out on a date this weekend?" or WHEN WILL SD81 FINALLY TAKE UP THERAPY AGAIN? or WHEN WILL SD81 FINALLY FIND A REAL LIFE SUPPORT GROUP? or WHEN WILL SD81 FINALLY DEVELOP A THANKFUL HEART OF GRATITUDE? I keep tuning in only to be disappointed. And then I can't help but keep looking. 2
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 Mme. Chaucer, all I've ever been doing is learning lessons. Honestly I'm completely tired of failing and having nothing to show for it except another lesson of what not to do. The most recent one I learned is not to be friends with girls I like, hoping they will fall for me. So with this failure that's going to happen soon, I want to get something out of it. Something that will help me for the next time I meet a girl. I'm not even talking about learning how to get a date.
Kamille Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 And that is the only reason I'm trying. What are you willing to try SD?
Author somedude81 Posted April 25, 2012 Author Posted April 25, 2012 At the end of the day though, you still have to do something. I already gave you advice on how to play this situation. First page of your thread. To recap, see if there is something that both of you like to do outside of work. Then ask her to do it. Yeah, hopefully next time I see her I'll have some time to talk and I can ask her what she likes to do. We work in different areas of the store and she's not really allowed to leave her section. Though I can try coordinate our breaks and then we can get 15 min to talk. I've already tried to do that, but she was so busy she didn't know when her break was going to happen. I can try to do that again but have her let me know when she gets a break and I can wait for her. Then we can have a real conversation. I'm not even talking about learning how to get a date. You aren't? What lessons are you talking about. What are you willing to try SD? Just being more aggressive with her than I normally am. And possibly going for a date much sooner than I normally do. ------- And Teknoe, chill out.
jobaba Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 I read over all of the posts and I want to focus on joystickd's. How can I use rejections as feedback? As I said before, there is basically a 99.9% chance she'll turn me down. What can I do to gain something from her rejection? This is a good topic for another thread. I'd like to hear it too. In my youth, I used to be shyer, more socially anxious, and just generally less suave. I also used to dress worse and smoke and drink a lot. I've improved on all those things and I can even go through a date these days without even taking a sip of alcohol. But I still get rejected. Women are right when they say you can't make them like them. If I were to be able to go back in time and reapproach the women I was interested in 10 years ago with what I know now, rejection is still likely in most cases. Mostly what you learn from rejection (after your game to a certain point) is how to deal with it and keep trucking.
zengirl Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 Mostly what you learn from rejection (after your game to a certain point) is how to deal with it and keep trucking. Handling rejection with grace and perseverance is a huge life lesson. True acceptance of the rejection where you don't internalize it and feel it's really a 'big deal' in the grand scheme of things is a huge marker of personal growth and development, IMO. 1
verhrzn Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 Does anyone else get the song "Impossible" from Roger and Hammerstein's Cinderella stuck in their heads every time they read this thread? Just me then?.. SD, just ask her out. Just, ask her to a movie. Ask her for her phone number. Ask her SOMETHING that isn't just you stalling for time, but involves actively pursuing her.
Teknoe Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 zengirl wrote: SD, this is not a healthy mindset, and I do not think it will serve you well. I know you will say something defeatist to tell me why you can't possibly change it, but what harm is there in trying to change your mindset? How could it hurt? SD81 responded: What mindset? I'm not fallowing. --- ???? *scratches head* How can you not see what mindset zengirl is alluding to? And now you don't know what lessons Mme. Chaucer was posting about? I'm starting to wonder if this isn't an extremely elaborate troll effort on your part. The reason I say this is because you once admitted you lied to LS when you said you'd confront D again. You confessed something to this effect: "Haha, just kidding... I just wanted to get a rise out of y'all" If you really don't understand the mindset Zengirl or the lessons Mme. Chaucer were talking about, I'm a little concerned with your ability to process information. Hint: It's not always about girls/dating and they aren't exactly talking about girls/dating. It's time to look inward, instead of always being fixated on the opposite sex. 1
Author somedude81 Posted April 25, 2012 Author Posted April 25, 2012 This is a good topic for another thread. I'd like to hear it too. In my youth, I used to be shyer, more socially anxious, and just generally less suave. I also used to dress worse and smoke and drink a lot. I've improved on all those things and I can even go through a date these days without even taking a sip of alcohol. But I still get rejected. Women are right when they say you can't make them like them. If I were to be able to go back in time and reapproach the women I was interested in 10 years ago with what I know now, rejection is still likely in most cases. Mostly what you learn from rejection (after your game to a certain point) is how to deal with it and keep trucking. What I'm learning is basically what doesn't work and I won't try the same approach or something like that again. SD, just ask her out. Just, ask her to a movie. Ask her for her phone number. Ask her SOMETHING that isn't just you stalling for time, but involves actively pursuing her. Stalling for time. That's an odd thought. Yeah, I am planning on making some progress next time I see her. I'm starting to wonder if this isn't an extremely elaborate troll effort on your part. At this point Teknoe, I think you're the one trolling me. You've got some serious issues with respecting boundaries.
jobaba Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 What I'm learning is basically what doesn't work and I won't try the same approach or something like that again. There's nothing that works for all women man. If anything is universal maybe, it's cocky and confident. You have to play more numbers to get success. You certainly should not be writing about a woman whom you haven't even scored a date with. Although it is entertaining to me, it's not going to help you succeed.
Author somedude81 Posted April 25, 2012 Author Posted April 25, 2012 You certainly should not be writing about a woman whom you haven't even scored a date with. Although it is entertaining to me, it's not going to help you succeed. Heh, what you aren't getting and I'm sure most people aren't either, is that I'm writing about her as nothing more than the next girl who has potential and is going to reject me. My motivation for writing this thread was that I fully expect to get rejected by her, then the next girl, then the next girl and so on. Which makes the dating game feel impossible. Yes, I do think I'm writing too much about her. I have zero feelings for this chick and want to keep it that way, so when she does reject me, it should have a minimal impact on me. Of course it would be great if I could actually get a date, but I doubt that would happen considering my skills.
TheBigQuestion Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 At this point Teknoe, I think you're the one trolling me. You've got some serious issues with respecting boundaries. This is an internet forum. There are no boundaries unless you insist on creating them, i.e. by putting posters on ignore. Sure Teknoe's advice comes off as heavy-handed at times, but there is nothing that he or anyone else here is telling you that is wrong or would make your situation worse. He is trying to help, and honestly everyone here, myself included, is flabbergasted at your complete unwillingness to make some very necessary sweeping changes in your life. Believe me when I say that having a relationship will literally solve NOTHING for you. From the time I was 14 until my senior year of high school, I wanted a girlfriend pretty badly but I had some gnarly social anxiety issues. At 17, I stumbled into my first relationship and yes, it was pretty cool. However, that did NOT solve any of my personality flaws, it didn't make me a more content person in any truly meaningful way, and it (like most relationships) created many new problems and challenges for which I simply was not prepared at the time. You may have gone your entire life without a romantic relationship, but getting into one will not get rid of your considerable depression or the ways in which you cope with the many other negative things that have happened in your life.
ednadean Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 don't ask her out of the blue awkwardly. often the girls are shy and say no straight away. organise a few after work drinks -- perhaps after a few of these see what happens. you'll see pretty quicky if there's chemistry --and alcohol always helps things along goodluck. oh -- and in my experience, if you're smart and funny -- NO ONE is out of league for a girl. smart and funny are REALLY hard to come by.
jobaba Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 Yes, I do think I'm writing too much about her. I have zero feelings for this chick and want to keep it that way, so when she does reject me, it should have a minimal impact on me. Of course it would be great if I could actually get a date, but I doubt that would happen considering my skills. Attaboy. Now you're learning.
Teknoe Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 At this point Teknoe, I think you're the one trolling me. You've got some serious issues with respecting boundaries. Stop making it about other people. Stop making it about who's right, who's wrong. This is about YOU. I'm just dismayed that you constantly avoid engaging in conversations about topics that would actually benefit you. People in this thread have specifically asked you for some details such as what steps are you willing to take, or what steps have you taken in the past month. Why do you constantly ignore these posters' questions? What the world wants to know are real, specific things you have attempted in the last month or two. Here's an example: "Good question. Hmmm, looking back at the last month, I did go out to a singles event here in SoCal. Unfortunately I got a bit too nervous when it was overly crowded, and it seemed like people had their own group of friends already. I went by myself, and I didn't stay long. But hey, at least I got out of the house and gave myself a shot. I normally chicken out, make excuses, beat myself up and avoid events like such. But I went, and I count that as a victory. A small victory, but a win nevertheless" Or "Good question. Hmmm, looking back at the last month, honestly, I haven't done much but go to school, work and straight back home. I have been spending a lot of time alone and thinking. I guess in the past month I haven't done much differently than what I've been doing for the past year. Hmmm, maybe it's time I go out next weekend, maybe try going to one of the many single events here in SoCal" It's really not that hard. People are asking you this question. But you have been avoiding it. Why? And would you care to elaborate and give us specifics on what you have been trying (or not trying)? I think writing it out would actually help Y-O-U. No "but that's not what this thread is about" excuses. It might be a healthy exercise for you to think about and actually write down some things you've tried out in the last month, or haven't. 1
reallyhotguy Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 SD, what is it about Teknoe's line of questioning that is making you upset? Thus far I've seen him ask you a lot of strong, considerate questions which seem to be exactly what you're looking for, so I'm perplexed to see you react by evading.
Author somedude81 Posted April 26, 2012 Author Posted April 26, 2012 SD, what is it about Teknoe's line of questioning that is making you upset? Thus far I've seen him ask you a lot of strong, considerate questions which seem to be exactly what you're looking for, so I'm perplexed to see you react by evading. Teknoe and I have a history that goes far back. Right now, he's asking questions that I feel are completely unrelated to what I'm talking about. My sole focus for this thread is women and dating. Anything else is basically off-topic. The last thing he said, I'm starting to wonder if this isn't an extremely elaborate troll effort on your part. If you really don't understand the mindset Zengirl or the lessons Mme. Chaucer were talking about, I'm a little concerned with your ability to process information. Makes me not wand to deal with him anymore. don't ask her out of the blue awkwardly. often the girls are shy and say no straight away. organise a few after work drinks -- perhaps after a few of these see what happens. you'll see pretty quicky if there's chemistry --and alcohol always helps things along While I like the idea of alcohol helping things along, I don't know how I could organize a thing where a few people from the store go. I want to talk to her at least one more time, find out who she is and then possibly ask her out. But I'm feeling that the sooner the better. oh -- and in my experience, if you're smart and funny -- NO ONE is out of league for a girl. smart and funny are REALLY hard to come by. I must be truly exceptional because I have yet to meet a girl in my league. Believe me when I say that having a relationship will literally solve NOTHING for you. From the time I was 14 until my senior year of high school, I wanted a girlfriend pretty badly but I had some gnarly social anxiety issues. At 17, I stumbled into my first relationship and yes, it was pretty cool. However, that did NOT solve any of my personality flaws, it didn't make me a more content person in any truly meaningful way, and it (like most relationships) created many new problems and challenges for which I simply was not prepared at the time. You may have gone your entire life without a romantic relationship, but getting into one will not get rid of your considerable depression or the ways in which you cope with the many other negative things that have happened in your life. See, I don't have "gnarly social anxiety issues" and I'm pretty shocked you managed to get a GF with them. The way I see it, I'm a completely normal dude, who for some reason, hasn't been able to get a GF. I don't really have any problems or bad flaws. So getting a GF isn't actually going to fix that much, because there isn't that much to fix. I strongly believe I am completely ready for a relationship, and that not having one is one of the primary reasons that's holing back my development as an adult.
TheBigQuestion Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 See, I don't have "gnarly social anxiety issues" and I'm pretty shocked you managed to get a GF with them. The way I see it, I'm a completely normal dude, who for some reason, hasn't been able to get a GF. I don't really have any problems or bad flaws. So getting a GF isn't actually going to fix that much, because there isn't that much to fix. I strongly believe I am completely ready for a relationship, and that not having one is one of the primary reasons that's holing back my development as an adult. You may not have social anxiety, but you absolutely DO have problems relating to people and figuring out what makes them "tick." You've admitted as much yourself, and many of your posts on LS indicate a complete inability to really understand people. This is a MAJOR handicap in obtaining and eventually maintaining a romantic relationship. You can strongly believe whatever you want, it doesn't make it true. 2
reallyhotguy Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 You can strongly believe whatever you want, it doesn't make it true. Unless it's creationism.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 By that estimate, that might mean that girl #1000 is your dream boat. Wouldn't that be dumb to give up at 999? Something just shook me awake very early this morning. Yesterday, I had a nice exchange with one of the newer girls at work. We did a little flirting and innuendo happened it's way in there. Now she's on my radar of girls I can be into. Briefly becoming partially awake after a non-related dream, she popped into my head. I was wondering when she worked next and when I can talk to her again, then I had the thought of asking her out then right away there was the automatic thought that she'd just reject me and that completely woke me up, forcing me out of bed long before I normally do. I'm 99.9% sure that she'd turn me down for whatever reason, it doesn't matter what. And I strongly got the feeling that I shouldn't bother anymore with her, to not think about her at all and move on to the next girl I happen to meet, who will also have a 99.9% chance of rejecting me, same with the next one and so on. How am I supposed to feel that I actually have a chance in this game? I'm so tired of the meet new girl, interact, think about her, get rejected routine. But I really don't see anything changing. I almost feel that I'd be better off just not caring about women at all; if only I could convince myself not to. Next time I see her, ugh, I can't even finish that thought. This whole situation with women is hopeless.
reallyhotguy Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 SD, how clean would you say you keep your home? (Be specific.)
Teknoe Posted April 26, 2012 Posted April 26, 2012 You may not have social anxiety, but you absolutely DO have problems relating to people and figuring out what makes them "tick." You've admitted as much yourself, and many of your posts on LS indicate a complete inability to really understand people. This is a MAJOR handicap in obtaining and eventually maintaining a romantic relationship. You can strongly believe whatever you want, it doesn't make it true. Yes, he has admitted such in the past, and it's clear reading some of his replies that certain things go over his head a bit. The thing is, he can certainly improve in these social cues and whatnot. But he can't improve being ISOLATED. Unfortunately, he is isolated. He has no one to show him or help teach him. Heck, someone here on LS offered free real life assistance, and SD81 just made excuse after excuse why he wouldn't accept help. IIRC, he asked for help and the guy came along offering what SD81 asked for, but SD81 still found a way to shoot the guy down. I couldn't believe that. As long as he remains isolated, he'll be stuck in his own little world. The problem is, what a person thinks as reality may not ACTUALLY BE reality, especially when it involves relating to other people. Teknoe and I have a history that goes far back. Right now, he's asking questions that I feel are completely unrelated to what I'm talking about. My sole focus for this thread is women and dating. Anything else is basically off-topic. The last thing he said, Makes me not wand to deal with him anymore. You've used that "these questions you asked are completely unrelated to my topic" excuse before. It's not just me asking. Heck, before I asked, several others asked you right in this thread. You do know that a thread doesn't have to stay on ONE course, right? A thread, like a conversation, can change directions and ebb and flow. As long as it's about the topic creator in some relevant fashion. And people who have asked you to give them specifics about YOUR LIFESTYLE -- that's very relevant to the topic creator -- YOU. And I apologize for not kissing your butt and patting you on the back more. It's hard for me to sugar coat around with people who are just hurting themselves time after time. Believe me, if we were buddies in real life I would show far more empathy, as being able to connect with you in real life I would have a lot more patience and compassion. That and I can actually take you out to meet other people. I can help expand your social circle. I would feel more hope since I would be able to interact with you in real time face to face and help you along. But relegated to only "communicating" over the internet on a message board? Nobody has that kind of ability to really stretch or help you to grow. You can choose freely what you'll try and what you won't. And it seems like you just haven't been trying much at all. If you had, surely you would have explained specifics by now. The fact that you haven't shared is telling that perhaps you haven't tried much. Otherwise, why hide what you've tried? It's not illogical to presume that a person who doesn't share does so because they have nothing to report and rather make up excuses such as "but that's not what the thread is about." It's just been frustrating to see that you're still in the same spot after we first met in late 2010. Like I said many times in the past, I have a 23 year old cousin who you remind me a ton of. I love my cousin, and believe it or not, I care about whether SD81 has a happy life or not. I'm sticking it out until I see the day you post some good news for a change. And I don't mean "I got a GF finally!" I mean something as simple as seeing you post "I actually asked this stranger out!" or "Hey LoveShack guess what, I attended a singles event and here's how it went." Just some sign of progress would be a breakthrough for you. Rather than complaining and kicking yourself at every chance you get. I'd like to see you actually start believing in yourself, and to start APPLYING yourself. You can certainly do it. But the question is, will you do it? And when?
Author somedude81 Posted April 26, 2012 Author Posted April 26, 2012 You may not have social anxiety, but you absolutely DO have problems relating to people and figuring out what makes them "tick." You've admitted as much yourself, and many of your posts on LS indicate a complete inability to really understand people. This is a MAJOR handicap in obtaining and eventually maintaining a romantic relationship. You can strongly believe whatever you want, it doesn't make it true. That's sounds like something I'd actually learn how do when I'm in a relationship. Almost like it would happen atomically as time goes on. SD, how clean would you say you keep your home? (Be specific.) I generally keep my apartment pretty clean except for the sink. It's really easy to get overwhelmed with dishes when I don't have a dishwasher. Other than that, it'a a few clothes and other things on the floor that I can pick up in five minutes. BTW, how is this related to anything?
Recommended Posts