It feels impossible

[somedude81]

Wow, the weirdest thing happened.

 

I go to my work to ask for more hours in the store. So I walk with my manager to the back office and there she is using the computer doing a training program. Then what should have been something as simple as him giving me one more day to work, becomes him telling me how he gives priority to his "strongest workers" and how he doesn't think that I'm one of those and how he has a problem with me, and that I talk back etc, and she's sitting there the whole fu*king time using the computer.

 

Why does sh*t like this happen to me? It feels the fu*king world is out there to screw with me.

[fortyninethousand322]

Wow, the weirdest thing happened.

 

I go to my work to ask for more hours in the store. So I walk with my manager to the back office and there she is using the computer doing a training program. Then what should have been something as simple as him giving me one more day to work, becomes him telling me how he gives priority to his "strongest workers" and how he doesn't think that I'm one of those and how he has a problem with me, and that I talk back etc, and she's sitting there the whole fu*king time using the computer.

 

Why does sh*t like this happen to me? It feels the fu*king world is out there to screw with me.

 

This is one of the few times you really should have an easy time saying f**k it. She thinks you're lazy and/or a badass. What do you have to lose?

[zengirl]

Wow, the weirdest thing happened.

 

I go to my work to ask for more hours in the store. So I walk with my manager to the back office and there she is using the computer doing a training program. Then what should have been something as simple as him giving me one more day to work, becomes him telling me how he gives priority to his "strongest workers" and how he doesn't think that I'm one of those and how he has a problem with me, and that I talk back etc, and she's sitting there the whole fu*king time using the computer.

 

Why does sh*t like this happen to me? It feels the fu*king world is out there to screw with me.

 

SD, having that conversation in front of her reflects badly on your boss, not on you. Honestly, I've heard people dressed down far worse than that by their bosses and not thought poorly of them. I understand how that would be unpleasant but you're really overreacting a bit. You're beginning to fixate on this girl, clearly, and that won't help you.

[Star Gazer]

Somedude: I can actually kinda sorta relate to how you feel insofar as putting the cart of doom before the horse. While I don't fear getting rejected, based on past bad experiences I do seem to expect/look for the worst to happen in each relationship (which for me always amounts to "He's going to abandon me"), because that's the majority of the experiences that I have with men to draw from. It's hard to not get into a pattern of catostrophic thinking. It can make you wonder, "Why bother?"

 

I'll tell you why. The reward from making yourself vulnerable is SOOOOOO worth the risk.

 

So get yourself out there. Take a risk. You'll survive even if you fall flat on your face, and eventually, you will find someone who will actually catch you when you fall.

[somedude81]

SD, having that conversation in front of her reflects badly on your boss, not on you. Honestly, I've heard people dressed down far worse than that by their bosses and not thought poorly of them. I understand how that would be unpleasant but you're really overreacting a bit. You're beginning to fixate on this girl, clearly, and that won't help you.

Right now she's just the girl that I think I have the highest chance with at this point. I was trying to present myself a certain way to her and needless to say, this wasn't something I wanted her to see, there is no way that she could have gotten anything positive about me from that experience. I can only see this having a negative impact, it's probably something small, but still not in my favor.

 

And no, I'm not fixated on her. At this point I just need a girl, I don't care who it is. She's just the most promising out of every girl I know at this point.

[joystickd]

There is no such thing as failure only feedback. Just do it if she says no then cool. There are too many women out here to get stressed over one.

[SJC2008]

I HAVE given up, BECAUSE of that sort of attitude... "Oh well, I'll date this girl because I'm desperate but maybe something will change." I am so, so sick of getting dumped over and over by desperate men who later discover their confidence.

 

You cannot build a relationship on desperation. Get it out of your head. Go out and flirt. Or give up like me. Period.

 

I'd never date a woman just to get my confidence up. I made a post here about a woman I dated that I wasn't really attracted to and some said give her a chance and I thought about it to get the exp but I just couldn't do it. She's very nice and I may have done it if I didn't get the feeling that she falls in love really quick.

[zengirl]

Right now she's just the girl that I think I have the highest chance with at this point. I was trying to present myself a certain way to her and needless to say, this wasn't something I wanted her to see, there is no way that she could have gotten anything positive about me from that experience. I can only see this having a negative impact, it's probably something small, but still not in my favor.

 

And no, I'm not fixated on her. At this point I just need a girl, I don't care who it is. She's just the most promising out of every girl I know at this point.

 

SD, this is not a healthy mindset, and I do not think it will serve you well. I know you will say something defeatist to tell me why you can't possibly change it, but what harm is there in trying to change your mindset? How could it hurt?

[M2155]

And no, I'm not fixated on her. At this point I just need a girl, I don't care who it is. She's just the most promising out of every girl I know at this point.

 

Um yikes:confused: I would not want to date a guy who approaches me with this motivation. You need to make an effort to show a girl you like her and let her know she is special. If you are not doing something to bring a smile to her day, why in the world would she want to be responsive and see you again? Try to stop focusing on getting a girl and work on just being nice and flirting. Join something and just be around girls for practice of just getting to know people.

 

I also agree your boss' rant was more a poor reflection on him. That could be an op to say something like "Im sorry you had to witness that, that was not the most professional" and see if she is sympathetic. Talk about you enjoy working with her or something. Anyway, the point is maybe you aren't ready to go for the gold but try to do one little positive thing every day. Tell a woman a the color of her shirt really brings out her eyes or something to start getting some positive responses (make sure it does though lol).

 

Good luck whatever you do.

[Jane2011]

Somedude: I can actually kinda sorta relate to how you feel insofar as putting the cart of doom before the horse. While I don't fear getting rejected, based on past bad experiences I do seem to expect/look for the worst to happen in each relationship (which for me always amounts to "He's going to abandon me"), because that's the majority of the experiences that I have with men to draw from. It's hard to not get into a pattern of catostrophic thinking. It can make you wonder, "Why bother?"

 

I'll tell you why. The reward from making yourself vulnerable is SOOOOOO worth the risk.

 

So get yourself out there. Take a risk. You'll survive even if you fall flat on your face, and eventually, you will find someone who will actually catch you when you fall.

 

Totally agree. I take a lot of risks in my dating life. To a fault, even. To the point that I might even be a li'l crazy. But I figure...hey, at least I'm "living," experiencing a panoply of emotional sensations life has to offer. I'd really rather make a fool of myself than be completely stagnant.

[somedude81]

A relationship is give and take. Why stay with someone who doesn't make you happy? A relationship will be unfulfilling if one or both people do not make their partner happy.

Because she was everything I ever wanted and being with her made me happy. But in the end, things just went wrong.

People are attracted to those who are happy with themselves. You need to be happy within before you can be truly happy in a relationship. Those who lean on relationships for their happiness end up pushing their partner away.

I honestly, truly believe, that I will be happy once I can get into a relationship as long as the girl isn't too crazy.

 

You stop living for someone else and start living for yourself. I've seen some butt ugly people with partners and it's because they are happy within themselves. They find happiness with themselves first and people are just drawn to them. It's like an aura that you just want to get closer to.

I am living for myself. That's how it's always been. Though I don't know how I can find happiness with myself. That's just a really strange concept.

Somedude: I can actually kinda sorta relate to how you feel insofar as putting the cart of doom before the horse. While I don't fear getting rejected, based on past bad experiences I do seem to expect/look for the worst to happen in each relationship (which for me always amounts to "He's going to abandon me"), because that's the majority of the experiences that I have with men to draw from. It's hard to not get into a pattern of catostrophic thinking. It can make you wonder, "Why bother?"

Yeah, that's a similar feeling. That things will always go wrong. And then I wonder, why am I even trying.

I'll tell you why. The reward from making yourself vulnerable is SOOOOOO worth the risk.

And that is the only reason I'm trying.

 

Because I think that the reward has to be great. But honestly, I don't even really know what I'm fighting for. I've never had "the prize" and can only guess that it will be worth it.

 

So get yourself out there. Take a risk. You'll survive even if you fall flat on your face, and eventually, you will find someone who will actually catch you when you fall.

Eventually is the scary part. There is a decent chance it will never happen and if it does, how many years do I have to wait?

SD, this is not a healthy mindset, and I do not think it will serve you well. I know you will say something defeatist to tell me why you can't possibly change it, but what harm is there in trying to change your mindset? How could it hurt?

What mindset? I'm not fallowing.

Um yikes:confused: I would not want to date a guy who approaches me with this motivation. You need to make an effort to show a girl you like her and let her know she is special. If you are not doing something to bring a smile to her day, why in the world would she want to be responsive and see you again?

First of all, there is no way that she will know what motivation I'm approaching her with. I'm certainly not going to tell her.

 

Right now the most important thing for me to do is not develop any feelings.

 

Sure I'll try to make her smile and have a good time, but nothing beyond that

 

Try to stop focusing on getting a girl and work on just being nice and flirting. Join something and just be around girls for practice of just getting to know people.

This really is nothing new and I'm already 30 years old. I just need to be more aggressive.

 

I also agree your boss' rant was more a poor reflection on him. That could be an op to say something like "Im sorry you had to witness that, that was not the most professional" and see if she is sympathetic.

My boss did do that in poor character. He should have asked her to leave.

 

 

Anyway, the point is maybe you aren't ready to go for the gold but try to do one little positive thing every day. Tell a woman a the color of her shirt really brings out her eyes or something to start getting some positive responses (make sure it does though lol).

 

Good luck whatever you do.

Heh, that's a little too corny. But thanks for the well wishes.

[jobaba]

Wow, the weirdest thing happened.

 

I go to my work to ask for more hours in the store. So I walk with my manager to the back office and there she is using the computer doing a training program. Then what should have been something as simple as him giving me one more day to work, becomes him telling me how he gives priority to his "strongest workers" and how he doesn't think that I'm one of those and how he has a problem with me, and that I talk back etc, and she's sitting there the whole fu*king time using the computer.

 

Why does sh*t like this happen to me? It feels the fu*king world is out there to screw with me.

 

OK. Don't worry about this.

 

Women don't care about this kind of stuff. A lot of women at least.

 

At my last job, there was a guy who goofed around, screwed up plenty, and eventually got fired for doing some stupid, not to mention illegal ****. He was a tall, good looking blonde dude.

 

I was one of the best workers there. There was a woman there who I liked a lot who rejected me. Guess who she decided to chase after?

 

I don't even know if he reciprocated but the point is some women don't care. If you're funny and she thinks you're cute, she probably won't care unless you're a total f@ck up.

[Imajerk17]

Wow, the weirdest thing happened.

 

I go to my work to ask for more hours in the store. So I walk with my manager to the back office and there she is using the computer doing a training program. Then what should have been something as simple as him giving me one more day to work, becomes him telling me how he gives priority to his "strongest workers" and how he doesn't think that I'm one of those and how he has a problem with me, and that I talk back etc, and she's sitting there the whole fu*king time using the computer.

 

Why does sh*t like this happen to me? It feels the fu*king world is out there to screw with me.

 

Hey man, don't sweat it. It only matters to her if it matters to you. Make jokes about how she can see how you and Mr Boss are such good friends or something.

 

Everyone gets rejected. And sometimes it gets us down. I wrote a thread the other day about a woman who did a disappearing act on me and truth be told, when I wrote it, I was upset. I'm totally over it now man.

[joystickd]

Do you really want to be good with women or do you just like complaining and having a pity party? If you do really get out there and do it and experience. The only way is to use the rejections as feedback.

[Teknoe]

Wow, the weirdest thing happened.

 

I go to my work to ask for more hours in the store. So I walk with my manager to the back office and there she is using the computer doing a training program. Then what should have been something as simple as him giving me one more day to work, becomes him telling me how he gives priority to his "strongest workers" and how he doesn't think that I'm one of those and how he has a problem with me, and that I talk back etc, and she's sitting there the whole fu*king time using the computer.

 

Why does sh*t like this happen to me? It feels the fu*king world is out there to screw with me.

 

The real question is, what do you think of yourself as an employee? Are you one of the stronger ones, or do you have flaws you need to work on?

[Teknoe]

I haven't read through this whole topic but I'm noticing a disturbing trend with SD81:

 

1. He'll make a thread complaining about his lot in life

 

2. People will give him the same type of sound advice that actually works in most cases. It's not "sexy" or "flashy" but it's sound advice. He either says he's already tried it but it's never helped and thus never will or he ignores it

 

3. People will ask him for specifics i.e. "can you describe what you've been trying for self-improvement the last month or two?" He will ignore it or say that's not what the thread is for

 

4. When the thread gets too "personal" for comfort, SD stops responding altogether, and the thread disappears into obscurity

 

5. SD starts a new thread a week later. Repeat steps 1-5

 

At some point, man, you got to address the real issues at hand here. Everyone's been saying, it's not about girls. It's about your own personal self-assessment. Until you straighten that out, you can expect your life to continue being miserable because you're doing it all to yourself.

[PlumPrincess]

Somedude: I can actually kinda sorta relate to how you feel insofar as putting the cart of doom before the horse. While I don't fear getting rejected, based on past bad experiences I do seem to expect/look for the worst to happen in each relationship (which for me always amounts to "He's going to abandon me"), because that's the majority of the experiences that I have with men to draw from. It's hard to not get into a pattern of catostrophic thinking. It can make you wonder, "Why bother?"

I'll tell you why. The reward from making yourself vulnerable is SOOOOOO worth the risk.

 

So get yourself out there. Take a risk. You'll survive even if you fall flat on your face, and eventually, you will find someone who will actually catch you when you fall.

I really liked your post. It's so hopeful and encouraging.

[Els]

Frankly, I'd rather be dead then live the rest of my life alone. From 13 till now has been absolutely terrible because there was nothing more that I wanted than a GF.

 

This really piques my curiousity. You'd rather be dead than live the rest of your life alone, but you'd rather live the rest of your life alone than try to ask more girls out. Ergo, you'd rather be dead than try to ask more girls out. Really? Don't you think we're being a wee bit hyperbolic here?

 

When was the LAST time you even tried asking? Several months ago?

[Ross MwcFan]

I HAVE given up, BECAUSE of that sort of attitude... "Oh well, I'll date this girl because I'm desperate but maybe something will change." I am so, so sick of getting dumped over and over by desperate men who later discover their confidence.

 

You cannot build a relationship on desperation. Get it out of your head. Go out and flirt. Or give up like me. Period.

 

I wouldn't date or **** a girl that I wasn't attracted too. And I've never thought that a proper relationship can be built on desperattion.

 

Heck if a desperate girl showed interest in me, but I wasn't attracted to her, even though I wouldn't reciprocate the interest it'd still make me feel a lot better for a girl IRL to finally show interest.

 

I don't want to go out and flirt. Not got the confidence for it, don't know what to do, not sure if I have given up, but I don't really think I'm interested in dating or having a relationship anymore, for various reasons.

 

I think you would feel a lot worse if even desperate men didn't even show any interest in you.

Edited April 24, 2012 by Ross MwcFan

[ThaWholigan]

I haven't read through this whole topic but I'm noticing a disturbing trend with SD81:

 

1. He'll make a thread complaining about his lot in life

 

2. People will give him the same type of sound advice that actually works in most cases. It's not "sexy" or "flashy" but it's sound advice. He either says he's already tried it but it's never helped and thus never will or he ignores it

 

3. People will ask him for specifics i.e. "can you describe what you've been trying for self-improvement the last month or two?" He will ignore it or say that's not what the thread is for

 

4. When the thread gets too "personal" for comfort, SD stops responding altogether, and the thread disappears into obscurity

 

5. SD starts a new thread a week later. Repeat steps 1-5

 

At some point, man, you got to address the real issues at hand here. Everyone's been saying, it's not about girls. It's about your own personal self-assessment. Until you straighten that out, you can expect your life to continue being miserable because you're doing it all to yourself.

I believe that he has somehow mentally managed to fuse his overall wellbeing and happiness with his desire for a girlfriend, and he has been doing this for years. It's going to be extremely hard for him to undo 17 years of subconscious hard-wiring, especially when he believes in his own way that he is right. The worst part is that he thinks getting a girlfriend will solve all his problems, but that will just be one part sorted out. What happens afterwards? When he ties up his happiness with that girl. That's a lot of pressure for both of them, when he has so much at stake. If, god forbid, it wouldn't last, what would that do to him?

 

This is where he has to delve into his own psyche before that happens. Although he is afraid to do so, of his own memories and bad experiences. I speculate that this is the reason why therapy hasn't worked for him thus far, and neither has PUA. To get to the root of his unhappiness, and just exactly why he has convinced himself that getting a girlfriend will cure him of all his problems, because even though he and a few misguided people in a similar position believe that it will, it won't in my opinion. His problems are internal, but is looking for an external solution. Never ends well in my observations. I've been lucky enough to figure that out pretty early. Somedude hasn't unfortunately.

 

It's not over for him luckily. He still has time to go and he has to work hard to change his mindset and take back control of his happiness and his life. It's his call though, and if he still doesn't think he can do it, then soon it will be too late. Let's hope that it won't be too late.

[verhrzn]

I wouldn't date or **** a girl that I wasn't attracted too. And I've never thought that a proper relationship can be built on desperattion.

 

Heck if a desperate girl showed interest in me, but I wasn't attracted to her, even though I wouldn't reciprocate the interest it'd still make me feel a lot better for a girl IRL to finally show interest.

 

I don't want to go out and flirt. Not got the confidence for it, don't know what to do, not sure if I have given up, but I don't really think I'm interested in dating or having a relationship anymore, for various reasons.

 

I think you would feel a lot worse if even desperate men didn't even show any interest in you.

 

Um... that's exactly what DOES happen to me. The exact same guys who sit there and complain that "no women like them!" immediately friend-zone me. Heck, I can't even get an overweight, underemployed, early 30s pot addict to like me.

 

Go out and flirt. Do it. Just DO IT. There are lots and lots of advice and suggestions for men. Being assertive as a man is gonna pay off a whole heck of a lot sooner than being passive and waiting for a woman to just magically fall into your lap will.

[ThaWholigan]

Um... that's exactly what DOES happen to me. The exact same guys who sit there and complain that "no women like them!" immediately friend-zone me. Heck, I can't even get an overweight, underemployed, early 30s pot addict to like me.

 

Go out and flirt. Do it. Just DO IT. There are lots and lots of advice and suggestions for men. Being assertive as a man is gonna pay off a whole heck of a lot sooner than being passive and waiting for a woman to just magically fall into your lap will.

Actually I've come to the personal conclusion that being passive actually works for some guys. Sometimes, an individual's energy is passive in nature and if he comes to be at one with it and learns how to use it then he can attract girls. I find that passive and active works for different people no matter their gender.

 

I think that it is when people are unhappy or there is some internal turmoil at play that has gone unaddressed, that stops them from connecting with people, and reconciling that energy is what will ultimately give them the key to personal success and happiness.

 

But that's just me ......

[zengirl]

Actually I've come to the personal conclusion that being passive actually works for some guys. Sometimes, an individual's energy is passive in nature and if he comes to be at one with it and learns how to use it then he can attract girls. I find that passive and active works for different people no matter their gender.

 

I think that it is when people are unhappy or there is some internal turmoil at play that has gone unaddressed, that stops them from connecting with people, and reconciling that energy is what will ultimately give them the key to personal success and happiness.

 

But that's just me ......

 

Agree, entirely. Being passive never worked for me -- my love life was always a mess when I was, despite being born female -- and I tend to date men who are 'passive' (not in their whole lives, obviously, but in the dating sense). I think limiting 'active' and 'passive' by gender often leads to dissonance and inner turmoil that hinders people in dating.

 

However, being passive isn't REALLY working for SD at the moment, so hard to say whether he should be passive or active. At the moment, his dating style seems passive-aggressive to me, which works for no one.

[ThaWholigan]

Agree, entirely. Being passive never worked for me -- my love life was always a mess when I was, despite being born female -- and I tend to date men who are 'passive' (not in their whole lives, obviously, but in the dating sense). I think limiting 'active' and 'passive' by gender often leads to dissonance and inner turmoil that hinders people in dating.

 

However, being passive isn't REALLY working for SD at the moment, so hard to say whether he should be passive or active. At the moment, his dating style seems passive-aggressive to me, which works for no one.

Agreed, and one should also consider that there are many shades of grey between black and white, so I'd imagine that some people can come up with some kind of fusion between both energies within themselves. I realize that much of the energy in me is active, as I have recently discovered that I have more energy than normal but when I don't use that energy I become extremely sluggish and depressive to an extent. So I'm meant to be active in many areas of my life, including dating.

[somedude81]

This really piques my curiousity. You'd rather be dead than live the rest of your life alone, but you'd rather live the rest of your life alone than try to ask more girls out. Ergo, you'd rather be dead than try to ask more girls out. Really? Don't you think we're being a wee bit hyperbolic here?

 

When was the LAST time you even tried asking? Several months ago?

Yeah, it's been a couple of months since I tried to make plans with somebody.

 

The only reason I haven't asked anybody out since then is that I haven't met anybody I'd want to ask out until I talked with this girl. And when she turns me down, I'm sure I'll find somebody else in a month or so that I want to ask out, and the cycle repeats ad infinitum.

At some point, man, you got to address the real issues at hand here. Everyone's been saying, it's not about girls. It's about your own personal self-assessment. Until you straighten that out, you can expect your life to continue being miserable because you're doing it all to yourself.

Of course it's about women.

I believe that he has somehow mentally managed to fuse his overall wellbeing and happiness with his desire for a girlfriend, and he has been doing this for years. It's going to be extremely hard for him to undo 17 years of subconscious hard-wiring, especially when he believes in his own way that he is right.

I think it's somehow connected to my parents divorce and being raised by a single mother and the things she did.

 

And yes, this feeling has been like this for many years and never getting removed because I was never able to get a Gf.

The worst part is that he thinks getting a girlfriend will solve all his problems, but that will just be one part sorted out. What happens afterwards? When he ties up his happiness with that girl. That's a lot of pressure for both of them, when he has so much at stake. If, god forbid, it wouldn't last, what would that do to him?

It would be absolutely fantastic for me. Want to know why?

 

Because it would give confirmation that I actually am datable, that I do have value as a man and that if it happened before, it can happen again. I have no disillusion that my first relationship will last long at all. But there is so much I can gain from the experience. There is so much I need to learn about relationships and women. Plus there is that whole sex thing.

 

This is where he has to delve into his own psyche before that happens. Although he is afraid to do so, of his own memories and bad experiences. I speculate that this is the reason why therapy hasn't worked for him thus far, and neither has PUA. To get to the root of his unhappiness, and just exactly why he has convinced himself that getting a girlfriend will cure him of all his problems, because even though he and a few misguided people in a similar position believe that it will, it won't in my opinion. His problems are internal, but is looking for an external solution. Never ends well in my observations. I've been lucky enough to figure that out pretty early. Somedude hasn't unfortunately.

Right now it's nothing but psychobabble. I'm tired of theorizing.

-----

 

One thing I am wondering, is if I should pretend that the meeting with my boss never happened when I next talk to the girl.

 

I'm also wondering what my next move should be. I don't know if it's too soon to try to see her off work.